Bit #1. I got a weird comment (since deleted) that suggested that I'm not anonymous enough and that this will negatively affect the girls in the future. Nothing about the boys, although a reference to K's work. It has put me a bit off my writing game. I hope that the person who wrote the comment had the best intentions. I found it creepy. I guess I got my first troll. If you are reading this and are said troll, I'm sorry if this is offending you, but your suggestion that my little blog could harm the girls is pretty far-fetched. Of course, it did make me question my blog and whether or not I'm being selfish. A few days of thinking and missing writing hopefully has set me back on course. I'm not going to lie, though, I was rattled.
Bit #2. Today is M's birthday! Yay! She is 14 and such a funny, sweet kid. She has certainly gotten served a rough hand, but she gets up every day and tries. We had a joint family birthday celebration for M and D, our February birthdays, last night for the Super Bowl. The party was a blast and both birthday kids had fun. The highlight of the night was my dad giving D the crossed little league bats he made for him to commemorate his little league career (this spring will be his last little league season since he turns 12). The hand turned "D--- Slugger" bats were amazing. He even put a hook on the box holding the bats for his all-star hat. D and my dad have a tense relationship at times and it was so nice to see D give his grandfather multiple hugs throughout the night thanking him for such a great present.
Bit #3. The further and further we get away from October, November, and December, the easier things seem to be around here. The emotional toll of those months is hard on all of us. It's gotten better each year. I think that my recognition of this is actually a good step in the right direction.
Bit #4. We are going into a tornado of sports activities with the kids in the next 7 weeks. I'm not sure how we're going to get through. Swim meets, basketball playoffs, away soccer tournaments....yikes.
Bit #5. Take bit #4 and add to it science fair for two 8th graders, the state geography bee for one 6th grader and two birthday parties. Can you say stressful?
Bit #6. I talked to my therapist today about trying to admit more to myself that things are going well with all of the kids and that I need to cut myself some slack. This is hard for a bit of a control freak and perfectionist. There is always something that needs to be done around here whether it's laundry, cooking, work, cleaning, driving or just hanging with the kids. I'm not sure how to get to the place where I can be satisfied and proud of what I do get done. And, more importantly, proud of how well our family is doing in the big picture. I tell everyone all the time that our new family is still a work in progress. I need to recognize the real progress that we've made. I'm trying.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Monday, February 3, 2014
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
A Real Snow Day
I'm supposed to be working right now. Computer on my lap. Ipod in my ears. Work stacked next to me. The heavy snow falling outside, however, is incredibly distracting.
The kids are all home....AGAIN. We just had a 4.5 day weekend. They have been off school in the last month and a half more than at school it seems and this is creating a bit of tension around here. I certainly do love them all, but collectively they are driving me and each other kinda crazy. A bit of a mutual break would be nice.
I totally lost my shit yesterday when I got home from therapy and errands and nobody had eaten and nobody was ready for their respective practices and skateboard trips. This was all despite the fact that another adult was in the house and decided at that point to do some yard work rather than feed the 6 year old and remind the others to get ready. I walked in with a pile of groceries (in anticipation of the current snow storm) and they all decided at that moment to get sometime to eat and talk AT me concurrently. For some reason, I just snapped....literally. I yelled for everyone to get out of the kitchen till I was done putting things away, chastised A for not being able to figure out how to make his own lunch, and barked at E that getting out of the kitchen meant her too since she decided to continue making her lunch (IN MY WAY the entire time)...oh and then she proceeded to eat the soup I had gotten for myself.
I went upstairs after putting everything away, locked the door to my room and sat on my bed with my hands literally shaking. Not sure why I was so pissed. Misdirected anger at K? Too many days together in this house having to feed/entertain/discipline the minions? Tired? Low blood sugar? I'm just a cranky shrew?
The 4 little guys rallied from my little temper tantrum and things were back on even keel the rest of the day. E, however, has been sulking and given me the cold shoulder the last 24 hours. Teenagers sure know how to hold grudges. The irony of all of this being that the day before I had driven her all the way up to University of Maryland (an hour away) to swim one race and she decided to scratch after a bad warm up. Did I complain? Nope, I just said I'm sorry she wasn't feeling up to it and drove home.
I'm going to try to make this snow day (or two given the forecast) to see this as a time of peace and respite. A time of cozy hours on the couch. Warm dinners. Lego building. Book reading. Game playing. Good memory making.
NOT the confining, exhausting trap this house is starting to feel like with all of them home.
The kids are all home....AGAIN. We just had a 4.5 day weekend. They have been off school in the last month and a half more than at school it seems and this is creating a bit of tension around here. I certainly do love them all, but collectively they are driving me and each other kinda crazy. A bit of a mutual break would be nice.
I totally lost my shit yesterday when I got home from therapy and errands and nobody had eaten and nobody was ready for their respective practices and skateboard trips. This was all despite the fact that another adult was in the house and decided at that point to do some yard work rather than feed the 6 year old and remind the others to get ready. I walked in with a pile of groceries (in anticipation of the current snow storm) and they all decided at that moment to get sometime to eat and talk AT me concurrently. For some reason, I just snapped....literally. I yelled for everyone to get out of the kitchen till I was done putting things away, chastised A for not being able to figure out how to make his own lunch, and barked at E that getting out of the kitchen meant her too since she decided to continue making her lunch (IN MY WAY the entire time)...oh and then she proceeded to eat the soup I had gotten for myself.
I went upstairs after putting everything away, locked the door to my room and sat on my bed with my hands literally shaking. Not sure why I was so pissed. Misdirected anger at K? Too many days together in this house having to feed/entertain/discipline the minions? Tired? Low blood sugar? I'm just a cranky shrew?
The 4 little guys rallied from my little temper tantrum and things were back on even keel the rest of the day. E, however, has been sulking and given me the cold shoulder the last 24 hours. Teenagers sure know how to hold grudges. The irony of all of this being that the day before I had driven her all the way up to University of Maryland (an hour away) to swim one race and she decided to scratch after a bad warm up. Did I complain? Nope, I just said I'm sorry she wasn't feeling up to it and drove home.
I'm going to try to make this snow day (or two given the forecast) to see this as a time of peace and respite. A time of cozy hours on the couch. Warm dinners. Lego building. Book reading. Game playing. Good memory making.
NOT the confining, exhausting trap this house is starting to feel like with all of them home.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Confession
Sunday night I had an 11pm soccer game. I normally back out of these late games because the late night is hard to recover from. This time, however, our team needed bodies and I've been having fun playing the last few weeks so I decided to just suck it up and go.
The game was fun. My exhaustion the next day was not. I limped through the day on Monday, getting everyone to practices, rocking out a killer dinner for 7, helping with homework and getting some playing time with L. Even though I should have gone to bed, I even stayed up late with K on the couch last night watching a movie in the spirit of marital accord.
This morning was another tired one. I got the kids off to school and came home to eat breakfast before I started the work day.
Here's the confession...Instead of taking a shower and hopping on my laptop, I took a nap. A glorious 1.5 hour nap on the couch. I don't know why I feel guilty about this. I used this guilt to bang out a deliverable to my boss and make the long overdue call about M's admission into high school next year. I then ran to the store and got stuff for dinner tonight and tomorrow.
My therapist tells me all the time to find some time for myself during the day. It's hard. though, to add another person onto my list of people whom I'm responsible for. Even if that person is me.
The game was fun. My exhaustion the next day was not. I limped through the day on Monday, getting everyone to practices, rocking out a killer dinner for 7, helping with homework and getting some playing time with L. Even though I should have gone to bed, I even stayed up late with K on the couch last night watching a movie in the spirit of marital accord.
This morning was another tired one. I got the kids off to school and came home to eat breakfast before I started the work day.
Here's the confession...Instead of taking a shower and hopping on my laptop, I took a nap. A glorious 1.5 hour nap on the couch. I don't know why I feel guilty about this. I used this guilt to bang out a deliverable to my boss and make the long overdue call about M's admission into high school next year. I then ran to the store and got stuff for dinner tonight and tomorrow.
My therapist tells me all the time to find some time for myself during the day. It's hard. though, to add another person onto my list of people whom I'm responsible for. Even if that person is me.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
On Marriage
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, Just Give Me A Reason
K and I have been together for over 24 years, with 18 of those as a married couple. We have actually known each other for even longer since his sister and I were friends in high school and played soccer together. I'll never forget the phone call I got from her a few months after we started dating asking increduously, "Are you dating my brother???" We really got to know each other in college where we both played on the soccer teams and happened to have a few history classes together. We clicked right away with a very similar upbringing (big family, Catholic school, etc.) and similar sense of humor, but more importantly, in my opinion, enough personality differences that we bring out the best in each other. We started our romance first as very good friends and I think it's that friendship that has sustained us over time. Outside of stress, work, parenting, etc., we really like to hang out together.
Marriage can be hard. You not only bring to this new partnership your own needs and wants, but the legacy (whether good or bad) of the marriages you each have experienced. My parents were pretty old school with my dad being the provider and overall "fixer" in the house, with my mom taking care of us, cooking dinner, carpools, school, etc. With all girls in our family, my dad defnitely "took care of us" and we depended on him heavily to help us through our transitions into adulthood. Throw in some pretty serious health issues with my mom and I was definitely provided a strong, take care of everything "husband/father" model.
K, on the other hand, is the oldest of a very British family. He is the eldest boy and treated a little special, but as the oldest of 9 he had to constantly stake out his independence and fight to get his needs met. I joke all the time with my sisters about how K and each of his brothers and sisters (some more than others) are all inherently a bit selfish in order to be noticed and heard. My mother-in-law did (and still does) everything for her kids. My father-in-law, while a lovely person, was definitely more hands off and much better with the kids as they got older. He travelled a lot and worked very hard in order to provide for his large family. In some ways, K is an awful lot like his dad. Brilliant intellectually, but not the most practical (or handy) of people and a bit clueless when it comes to noticing or understanding the needs of those around him.
My family is also a very boisterous, talkative brood with lots of both verbal and physical expressions of love. I end most conversations with my sisters with "I love you." I enjoy to give and receive hugs. K comes from a stereotypical British family with no real outward signs of affection. There is definitely a lot of love there, but it's not spoken of and expressions of feelings are kept at a minimum.
That being said, K has certainly broken the mold in some ways. He is very affectionate with the boys and M (E keeps him pretty much at a distance which is a entire post in and of itself). He is much more hands on than his dad in terms of childcare. Our life before the accident entailed a pretty good balance of efforts and, while sometimes challenging, we worked things out without too much drama.
So October 2009 happened and our life turned completely upside down. This horrible thing occurred and it not only sent both of us in a tailspin emotionally, we found ourselves having to parent our kids through a very difficult situation, dealing with my family and struggling to take care of the girls. It was rough. Really rough.
In the last few days, I've been trying to step back and think about how all of this has affected K. First, our loss in all of this is very different. I lost my sister. While he was and still is sad about it, there is a difference. It's hard for him to understand my loss. His loss is more centered around our family. He has had to watch his wife change and not for the better in many ways. As documented in this blog, I have struggled with my grief and depression while trying to be the mom I want and need to be. He has had to watch his little boys go through a pretty awful thing. Not only losing Jeanne and Mike, and adjusting to the girls moving in, but struggling to find their footing in all the instability and trauma.
On a practical note, we also added two kids to our household. This means a host of additional financial, logistical, emotional and parenting burdens. They are girls, which as those of you who are parents to both boys and girls, is very different. They are two very needy, greiving children who have lost their parents and siblings. One of them can be considered special needs with her ADHD, learning disabilities and anxiety. The financial responsibilities alone are huge. All of the legal nightmares of the first year were horrific and timeconsuming.
He also almost died a year ago October. The result has been a shock and huge lifestyle change for him. The coumadin regimen (and constant testing), uncertainty about the causes, etc. have been a huge stress for an active, athletic 44 year old. He no longer can play softball, soccer, ski and other things that could risk a bleeding episode. This has been a hard pill to take for him. I have worried about him and depression in this last year (according to lots of websites this is very typical in his situation).
All of this for a guy who grew up not sharing feelings, not being overly affectionate, and the oldest of nine kids who pretty much took care of himself. While we had our share of difficulties prior to the accident (miscarriage, work losses, parenting challenges), nothing prepared us for the strain of our new normal.
None of this excuses his behavior. It does not make my feelings invalid or take away the hurt he has caused. But it does put it in perspective. He desperately wants things to go back to normal (pre-accident) and sometimes that means for him to run off with his dorky buddies for a long weekend or a bachelor party. Or when things get tough and emotionally difficult at home between us or with the kids, he often defaults to hiding out and not wanting to deal with it, or irrationally exploding at me (his safe place).
The last few days have found us slowly working our way back to each other. It's nearly impossible not to with five minions who need us (both of us). When you love someone, understanding and forgiveness are part of the package even when doing that takes you being the bigger person. Beneath all of the layers of hurt, grief, anger, stress and fear, still sit two people who love each other. Those two college friends are still there. Sometimes it just takes a little more effort for them to find each other.
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, Just Give Me A Reason
K and I have been together for over 24 years, with 18 of those as a married couple. We have actually known each other for even longer since his sister and I were friends in high school and played soccer together. I'll never forget the phone call I got from her a few months after we started dating asking increduously, "Are you dating my brother???" We really got to know each other in college where we both played on the soccer teams and happened to have a few history classes together. We clicked right away with a very similar upbringing (big family, Catholic school, etc.) and similar sense of humor, but more importantly, in my opinion, enough personality differences that we bring out the best in each other. We started our romance first as very good friends and I think it's that friendship that has sustained us over time. Outside of stress, work, parenting, etc., we really like to hang out together.
Marriage can be hard. You not only bring to this new partnership your own needs and wants, but the legacy (whether good or bad) of the marriages you each have experienced. My parents were pretty old school with my dad being the provider and overall "fixer" in the house, with my mom taking care of us, cooking dinner, carpools, school, etc. With all girls in our family, my dad defnitely "took care of us" and we depended on him heavily to help us through our transitions into adulthood. Throw in some pretty serious health issues with my mom and I was definitely provided a strong, take care of everything "husband/father" model.
K, on the other hand, is the oldest of a very British family. He is the eldest boy and treated a little special, but as the oldest of 9 he had to constantly stake out his independence and fight to get his needs met. I joke all the time with my sisters about how K and each of his brothers and sisters (some more than others) are all inherently a bit selfish in order to be noticed and heard. My mother-in-law did (and still does) everything for her kids. My father-in-law, while a lovely person, was definitely more hands off and much better with the kids as they got older. He travelled a lot and worked very hard in order to provide for his large family. In some ways, K is an awful lot like his dad. Brilliant intellectually, but not the most practical (or handy) of people and a bit clueless when it comes to noticing or understanding the needs of those around him.
My family is also a very boisterous, talkative brood with lots of both verbal and physical expressions of love. I end most conversations with my sisters with "I love you." I enjoy to give and receive hugs. K comes from a stereotypical British family with no real outward signs of affection. There is definitely a lot of love there, but it's not spoken of and expressions of feelings are kept at a minimum.
That being said, K has certainly broken the mold in some ways. He is very affectionate with the boys and M (E keeps him pretty much at a distance which is a entire post in and of itself). He is much more hands on than his dad in terms of childcare. Our life before the accident entailed a pretty good balance of efforts and, while sometimes challenging, we worked things out without too much drama.
So October 2009 happened and our life turned completely upside down. This horrible thing occurred and it not only sent both of us in a tailspin emotionally, we found ourselves having to parent our kids through a very difficult situation, dealing with my family and struggling to take care of the girls. It was rough. Really rough.
In the last few days, I've been trying to step back and think about how all of this has affected K. First, our loss in all of this is very different. I lost my sister. While he was and still is sad about it, there is a difference. It's hard for him to understand my loss. His loss is more centered around our family. He has had to watch his wife change and not for the better in many ways. As documented in this blog, I have struggled with my grief and depression while trying to be the mom I want and need to be. He has had to watch his little boys go through a pretty awful thing. Not only losing Jeanne and Mike, and adjusting to the girls moving in, but struggling to find their footing in all the instability and trauma.
On a practical note, we also added two kids to our household. This means a host of additional financial, logistical, emotional and parenting burdens. They are girls, which as those of you who are parents to both boys and girls, is very different. They are two very needy, greiving children who have lost their parents and siblings. One of them can be considered special needs with her ADHD, learning disabilities and anxiety. The financial responsibilities alone are huge. All of the legal nightmares of the first year were horrific and timeconsuming.
He also almost died a year ago October. The result has been a shock and huge lifestyle change for him. The coumadin regimen (and constant testing), uncertainty about the causes, etc. have been a huge stress for an active, athletic 44 year old. He no longer can play softball, soccer, ski and other things that could risk a bleeding episode. This has been a hard pill to take for him. I have worried about him and depression in this last year (according to lots of websites this is very typical in his situation).
All of this for a guy who grew up not sharing feelings, not being overly affectionate, and the oldest of nine kids who pretty much took care of himself. While we had our share of difficulties prior to the accident (miscarriage, work losses, parenting challenges), nothing prepared us for the strain of our new normal.
None of this excuses his behavior. It does not make my feelings invalid or take away the hurt he has caused. But it does put it in perspective. He desperately wants things to go back to normal (pre-accident) and sometimes that means for him to run off with his dorky buddies for a long weekend or a bachelor party. Or when things get tough and emotionally difficult at home between us or with the kids, he often defaults to hiding out and not wanting to deal with it, or irrationally exploding at me (his safe place).
The last few days have found us slowly working our way back to each other. It's nearly impossible not to with five minions who need us (both of us). When you love someone, understanding and forgiveness are part of the package even when doing that takes you being the bigger person. Beneath all of the layers of hurt, grief, anger, stress and fear, still sit two people who love each other. Those two college friends are still there. Sometimes it just takes a little more effort for them to find each other.
p.s. thank you so much for all of the messages of love, support, and insight for the past few posts. You have no idea how much they help. This blog has been a space for me to get a lot of stuff out, but it certainly has turned into something where I get a lot in return. So thank you. Really, really thank you.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Things
Things that suck:
1. I am feeling pretty crappy and the person I usually look to for comfort is the one making me feel crappy.
2. My friend's little girl has a diagnosis. Very rare peripheral T-cell lymphoma. Rarely found in kids. Never found in the brain. I feel sad and paralyzed with not being able to do anything to help.
3. It's ridiculously cold (school is actually cancelled tomorrow).
4. I'm starting to get the kids' gunk and feel less than stellar but I have a huge client meeting tomorrow that I CANNOT miss.
5. Work (see number 4).
6. Teenage girls are moody, annoying and are excellent at saying mean things that make you feel so very less than.
7. Still needing to take down Christmas decorations.
8. After two weeks relatively off from school, sports, etc. we're back to our normal level of crazy.
Things that do NOT suck:
1. Winning indoor soccer games, scoring tons of goals and having your teammates send sweet emails about your play all day.
2. A kind therapist named Harriet who also thinks one's spouse is being an ass (see item #1).
3. 6 year olds.
4. Pulled pork in the croc pot so you don't have to scramble for dinner.
5. Good music.
6. Good books.
7. Internet friends.
8. Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered pretzels.
9. Funny texts from good friends.
10. Having a "things that do NOT suck" list longer than a "things that suck" list.
1. I am feeling pretty crappy and the person I usually look to for comfort is the one making me feel crappy.
2. My friend's little girl has a diagnosis. Very rare peripheral T-cell lymphoma. Rarely found in kids. Never found in the brain. I feel sad and paralyzed with not being able to do anything to help.
3. It's ridiculously cold (school is actually cancelled tomorrow).
4. I'm starting to get the kids' gunk and feel less than stellar but I have a huge client meeting tomorrow that I CANNOT miss.
5. Work (see number 4).
6. Teenage girls are moody, annoying and are excellent at saying mean things that make you feel so very less than.
7. Still needing to take down Christmas decorations.
8. After two weeks relatively off from school, sports, etc. we're back to our normal level of crazy.
Things that do NOT suck:
1. Winning indoor soccer games, scoring tons of goals and having your teammates send sweet emails about your play all day.
2. A kind therapist named Harriet who also thinks one's spouse is being an ass (see item #1).
3. 6 year olds.
4. Pulled pork in the croc pot so you don't have to scramble for dinner.
5. Good music.
6. Good books.
7. Internet friends.
8. Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered pretzels.
9. Funny texts from good friends.
10. Having a "things that do NOT suck" list longer than a "things that suck" list.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Lost
Feeling lost today.
K left last night on a 4 day bachelor party for a friend that I can't stand (next door neighbor growing up who is 6 years younger and a jerk).
I thought he was leaving on Friday and back Sunday. He let me know via email yesterday at noon that he was leaving directly after work in order to make it easier on the groom since EVERYONE was going on that flight.
Seems I was also the only one who didn't know it was a cruise to the Bahamas.
My first reaction...anger. Second reaction...I hope he brought his medicine. Did he remember block?
He just called and I couldn't even properly articulate how pissed and hurt I am. I am at work so I can't really cry and scream like I want to. At least it's behavior I'm used to. Whenever he knows what he is doing is wrong and selfish, silence is usually his tactic. Better than having to NOT do what he really wants. Heck, I want to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, but I could never do that in a million years.
In his heart, I know he is a good man. He is just sometimes so selfish and never seems to put me first. He knows I always will get things done and eventually my anger will subside. I hate being mad at him. In so many ways, he is just like his dad. Doing his own thing and always assuming all the fires at the homefront are covered.
Throw into the mix holiday blues with the girls, continued scariness with our neighborhood friend's daughter, stress about getting everything done for Christmas (no shopping done for cousins AT ALL), and K's timing is perfect.
I don't have therapy till Monday and I've found my usual in person outlets absent. I just needed to get this out and guess what internet friends? You get my pitiful venting.
I'm tired. I'm sad. I just feel so alone.
K left last night on a 4 day bachelor party for a friend that I can't stand (next door neighbor growing up who is 6 years younger and a jerk).
I thought he was leaving on Friday and back Sunday. He let me know via email yesterday at noon that he was leaving directly after work in order to make it easier on the groom since EVERYONE was going on that flight.
Seems I was also the only one who didn't know it was a cruise to the Bahamas.
My first reaction...anger. Second reaction...I hope he brought his medicine. Did he remember block?
He just called and I couldn't even properly articulate how pissed and hurt I am. I am at work so I can't really cry and scream like I want to. At least it's behavior I'm used to. Whenever he knows what he is doing is wrong and selfish, silence is usually his tactic. Better than having to NOT do what he really wants. Heck, I want to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, but I could never do that in a million years.
In his heart, I know he is a good man. He is just sometimes so selfish and never seems to put me first. He knows I always will get things done and eventually my anger will subside. I hate being mad at him. In so many ways, he is just like his dad. Doing his own thing and always assuming all the fires at the homefront are covered.
Throw into the mix holiday blues with the girls, continued scariness with our neighborhood friend's daughter, stress about getting everything done for Christmas (no shopping done for cousins AT ALL), and K's timing is perfect.
I don't have therapy till Monday and I've found my usual in person outlets absent. I just needed to get this out and guess what internet friends? You get my pitiful venting.
I'm tired. I'm sad. I just feel so alone.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Of Sorts
Sorry about the long pause. I've been out of sorts, as have many around these parts.
The current king of "out of sortness" is A. He's been battling what the doctors think is a virus for about 10 days now which initially manifested itself as hives all over his legs and arms. Then they spread to his torso. Benedryll helped a bit. We went to the doctor and because he had a slight cough they gave him a z-pac. They also tested for mono and strep which both came back negative. That night after the first two antibiotics, the hives spread all over his body and his hands swelled. Benedryll didn't help at all. He was miserable and didn't sleep a wink. We went back in the next day and they decided to stop the z-pac and start him on pregnisone. This made the hives stop almost completely and he seemed a bit better. Then this past Saturday he started feeling worse and was complaining of body aches, nausea and fatigue. This morning I couldn't get him out of bed. Back to the doctor this morning, a flu and another strep test, and the further frustration of not knowing what's going on. He slept all day and I at least got him to eat some soup and drink water. He's currently rolling around on the couch after doing some homework and studying for the geography bee he's supposed to be participating in tomorrow (against his younger brother--hilarious). I hope he feels up to going to school in the morning. I'm hoping a good night's sleep will do the trick. Crossing my fingers.
I have been really out of sorts since Jeanne's birthday and it carried over into my birthday when I passed her in years on earth. That's just all sorts of wrong. I spent the weekend with M at a soccer tournament. I just wanted to be home with my boys.
My out of sorts has led to K being particularly out of sorts. We're in a funk and are both too tired and stressed to even try to bust out of it.
E committed to William and Mary last week which has been all kinds of awesome. How she let us know, and how the other members of our family dealt with the news has been all sorts of annoying. Yet again, something that should be a happy moment for our little (okay not so little) family gets tainted by everyone trying to "own" E and cross the line. In the long run, we're just happy to get to share our alma mater with her and watch her grow in such a cool place.
M...sweet lordie M...has been all kinds of difficult. I am dreading high school. Heck, I'm dreading this week.
D has been on another one of his eating strikes. I try not to fight him on it, but it's so frustrating. He's playing travel basketball now and I worry about him having enough energy.
L is our funny little guy. He's started texting his cousin W on my phone and the conversations are priceless. They love each other very much which warms my heart.
Work is...well work. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be taking a sabbatical from work, but that's not feasible financially, so I continue to try to balance it all and feeling pretty useless on all fronts.
I need to snap out of it. I don't want to repeat the Christmas Funk of 2012.
Fa, la, freaking la.
The current king of "out of sortness" is A. He's been battling what the doctors think is a virus for about 10 days now which initially manifested itself as hives all over his legs and arms. Then they spread to his torso. Benedryll helped a bit. We went to the doctor and because he had a slight cough they gave him a z-pac. They also tested for mono and strep which both came back negative. That night after the first two antibiotics, the hives spread all over his body and his hands swelled. Benedryll didn't help at all. He was miserable and didn't sleep a wink. We went back in the next day and they decided to stop the z-pac and start him on pregnisone. This made the hives stop almost completely and he seemed a bit better. Then this past Saturday he started feeling worse and was complaining of body aches, nausea and fatigue. This morning I couldn't get him out of bed. Back to the doctor this morning, a flu and another strep test, and the further frustration of not knowing what's going on. He slept all day and I at least got him to eat some soup and drink water. He's currently rolling around on the couch after doing some homework and studying for the geography bee he's supposed to be participating in tomorrow (against his younger brother--hilarious). I hope he feels up to going to school in the morning. I'm hoping a good night's sleep will do the trick. Crossing my fingers.
I have been really out of sorts since Jeanne's birthday and it carried over into my birthday when I passed her in years on earth. That's just all sorts of wrong. I spent the weekend with M at a soccer tournament. I just wanted to be home with my boys.
My out of sorts has led to K being particularly out of sorts. We're in a funk and are both too tired and stressed to even try to bust out of it.
E committed to William and Mary last week which has been all kinds of awesome. How she let us know, and how the other members of our family dealt with the news has been all sorts of annoying. Yet again, something that should be a happy moment for our little (okay not so little) family gets tainted by everyone trying to "own" E and cross the line. In the long run, we're just happy to get to share our alma mater with her and watch her grow in such a cool place.
M...sweet lordie M...has been all kinds of difficult. I am dreading high school. Heck, I'm dreading this week.
D has been on another one of his eating strikes. I try not to fight him on it, but it's so frustrating. He's playing travel basketball now and I worry about him having enough energy.
L is our funny little guy. He's started texting his cousin W on my phone and the conversations are priceless. They love each other very much which warms my heart.
Work is...well work. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be taking a sabbatical from work, but that's not feasible financially, so I continue to try to balance it all and feeling pretty useless on all fronts.
I need to snap out of it. I don't want to repeat the Christmas Funk of 2012.
Fa, la, freaking la.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Profound
Profound. (adjective) having or showing great knowledge or understanding; difficult to understand requiring deep thought or wisdom; very strongly felt.
The past week has been an onslaught of profundity. I felt feelings so strong that my body has been wracked with sobs. I have felt feelings of such love my body has felt flush with warmth. I've been intellectually pushed trying to tackle a tough problem at work. I've once again been faced with questions of why and struggled with ways to take pain away from those I love.
This has left me tired. My brain is sludgy. The world seems a bit fuzzy and my bed sounds lovely (ironically this is kinda how the meds made me feel). Given this state, this post is going to have to be a list of randoms who have really nothing in common other that the intensity of the emotions they aroused.
1. Jeanne's birthday this year was really hard. I was on the verge of crying pretty much constantly the day before, the actual day and the day after. The four years since her death are for some reason becoming very real. Next week I'll be older than she was when she died. Sigh.
2. The girls had a rough week too. Poor M finally broke down Wednesday night and cried for about 45 minutes. It upset the entire family. My sweet boys and her loving uncle finally pulled her out of it. E couldn't handle it and proceeded to complain about not having socks and the low sodium ham I bought. Her modus operandi tends to be complaining about laundry, food and mysterious ailments when she can't deal with the heavy emotions coming her way. At least she's consistent.
3. I worked for four straight days (Frid to Mon) all day and till very late at night trying to get a deliverable done. It was really hard work and the response from my boss was less than enthusiastic and we've yet to hear from the client. At least I was working with C on this and I hunkered down on my bed for a change of scenary (and I can close the door). K and A were at a soccer tourney down in Richmond (yay! they won!) so at least I didn't have that distraction.
4. Our 18th anniversary was Monday. See item #3 and you'll understand how our day went. The kids were off from school so he schlepped the boys around to get haircuts, mowed the lawn and brought home pizza for dinner. It sucked. But at the end of the day, this funny, kind and smart guy is still around and we love each other very much. We may not always be able to show each other given the craziness of our life, but I know he will always be there.
5. Tuesday brought parent teacher conferences for the little (or not so little) kids. All four got great report cards for them. M is holding her own somehow and the consistent message I got from her teachers is that she is trying and engaged in the classroom. She tests terribly, but our hope for her to get an education and the grades in the end don't really matter. The tough conference for some reason was little L's. He's doing great in school, but she commented that he seems tired and gets weepy sometimes when things seem hard. She also said we need to read with him more at home. So first my mommy guilt went into overdrive because I don't read to and with him as much as I should. Then I looked at her and explained that he doesn't always get the best sleep. He's in our bed most nights around three. On Sunday night he couldn't get to sleep because he doesn't want to go to heaven. She looked at me blankly. I thought most teachers at the small school we go to knew our whole story. I tried to explain that he still has a lot of anxiety and that the changes in our house still make it hard for him. "Oh, the girls live with you all the time? I thought you shared them or something." Good lord. She quickly said something about him telling the whole class about the balloons and we moved on. It reminded me that while we still live with tragedy everyday, other people just see us as a normal family. This is strangely good and bad.
6. A little girl in our neighborhood was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm friends with her mom and it is rocking out little neighborhood. Surgery was this morning and it went well. We're waiting to hear the results. So sad. So very very sad.
So instead of working for my annoying client I'm sitting her writing a blog post. I wish I had some profound insight into the above list. A nugget of wisdom like those pictures one sees tagged on facebook or pinterest. I got nothing.
The past week has been an onslaught of profundity. I felt feelings so strong that my body has been wracked with sobs. I have felt feelings of such love my body has felt flush with warmth. I've been intellectually pushed trying to tackle a tough problem at work. I've once again been faced with questions of why and struggled with ways to take pain away from those I love.
This has left me tired. My brain is sludgy. The world seems a bit fuzzy and my bed sounds lovely (ironically this is kinda how the meds made me feel). Given this state, this post is going to have to be a list of randoms who have really nothing in common other that the intensity of the emotions they aroused.
1. Jeanne's birthday this year was really hard. I was on the verge of crying pretty much constantly the day before, the actual day and the day after. The four years since her death are for some reason becoming very real. Next week I'll be older than she was when she died. Sigh.
2. The girls had a rough week too. Poor M finally broke down Wednesday night and cried for about 45 minutes. It upset the entire family. My sweet boys and her loving uncle finally pulled her out of it. E couldn't handle it and proceeded to complain about not having socks and the low sodium ham I bought. Her modus operandi tends to be complaining about laundry, food and mysterious ailments when she can't deal with the heavy emotions coming her way. At least she's consistent.
3. I worked for four straight days (Frid to Mon) all day and till very late at night trying to get a deliverable done. It was really hard work and the response from my boss was less than enthusiastic and we've yet to hear from the client. At least I was working with C on this and I hunkered down on my bed for a change of scenary (and I can close the door). K and A were at a soccer tourney down in Richmond (yay! they won!) so at least I didn't have that distraction.
4. Our 18th anniversary was Monday. See item #3 and you'll understand how our day went. The kids were off from school so he schlepped the boys around to get haircuts, mowed the lawn and brought home pizza for dinner. It sucked. But at the end of the day, this funny, kind and smart guy is still around and we love each other very much. We may not always be able to show each other given the craziness of our life, but I know he will always be there.
5. Tuesday brought parent teacher conferences for the little (or not so little) kids. All four got great report cards for them. M is holding her own somehow and the consistent message I got from her teachers is that she is trying and engaged in the classroom. She tests terribly, but our hope for her to get an education and the grades in the end don't really matter. The tough conference for some reason was little L's. He's doing great in school, but she commented that he seems tired and gets weepy sometimes when things seem hard. She also said we need to read with him more at home. So first my mommy guilt went into overdrive because I don't read to and with him as much as I should. Then I looked at her and explained that he doesn't always get the best sleep. He's in our bed most nights around three. On Sunday night he couldn't get to sleep because he doesn't want to go to heaven. She looked at me blankly. I thought most teachers at the small school we go to knew our whole story. I tried to explain that he still has a lot of anxiety and that the changes in our house still make it hard for him. "Oh, the girls live with you all the time? I thought you shared them or something." Good lord. She quickly said something about him telling the whole class about the balloons and we moved on. It reminded me that while we still live with tragedy everyday, other people just see us as a normal family. This is strangely good and bad.
6. A little girl in our neighborhood was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm friends with her mom and it is rocking out little neighborhood. Surgery was this morning and it went well. We're waiting to hear the results. So sad. So very very sad.
So instead of working for my annoying client I'm sitting her writing a blog post. I wish I had some profound insight into the above list. A nugget of wisdom like those pictures one sees tagged on facebook or pinterest. I got nothing.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
The Positive Side of Life
A list of a few positives from the furlough:
1. K is home when the kids get home from school and he has not only been able to see first hand how hard it is to balance homework help and overall kid management at that time AND he has been able to help the kids with fun subjects life math and science (not my strong suits).
2. E hit a deer this morning on the way to swim practice (she is fine) and did $3k worth of damage to the car. Since he was home, K was able to get on the phone quickly to the insurance company and we dropped it off at the garage this morning.
3. He's been a lot more involved with the kids in general (see #1) and taken a bit of the "I need attention NOW" off of my shoulders. This has especially been great for L who is often slightly off his dad's radar.
4. We've talked and laughed tons this week which is good for both of us. K is a really funny guy and since he's around more his humor has definitely lightened the mood up around here.
5. Today there were no kids in the house and I had a break before I had to be somewhere and do something and I actually had the energy to fulfill those often neglected wifely duties. Again good for both of us (wink, wink).
6. He has gotten a bunch of little stuff done for me that has made my life a little easier in terms of logistics. In this list, was research on financial aid stuff for E which took a little bit of stress off of her shoulders since she thought she was broke and couldn't pay for college--it is seriously the exact opposite of that. Overall, he has done an exceptional job handling the girls' money and, once again, proved that he (we) made the right decisions with how we are dealing with their finances.
7. K and D played 18 holes of golf yesterday. The kids had a half day at school so they took advantage of some nice weather and hit the links. D needs that extra attention and his dad being home filled that void.
8. He's been running a few times and I think the exercise has been good for his overall mood.
Don't get me wrong, this is still a pretty stressful situation. While we don't live paycheck to paycheck, NOT getting paid isn't an ideal situation. Although we have hope that federal employees will get back pay, it is certainly not a guarantee. We're both trying, however, to think of this in a positive light and take advantage of at least one of us getting a work break and lowering the stress around here a bit.
I hate to admit it, but I'm secretly hoping there isn't a miracle deal struck tonight downtown...I've got a few more things on my furlough list that I need to get done.
1. K is home when the kids get home from school and he has not only been able to see first hand how hard it is to balance homework help and overall kid management at that time AND he has been able to help the kids with fun subjects life math and science (not my strong suits).
2. E hit a deer this morning on the way to swim practice (she is fine) and did $3k worth of damage to the car. Since he was home, K was able to get on the phone quickly to the insurance company and we dropped it off at the garage this morning.
3. He's been a lot more involved with the kids in general (see #1) and taken a bit of the "I need attention NOW" off of my shoulders. This has especially been great for L who is often slightly off his dad's radar.
4. We've talked and laughed tons this week which is good for both of us. K is a really funny guy and since he's around more his humor has definitely lightened the mood up around here.
5. Today there were no kids in the house and I had a break before I had to be somewhere and do something and I actually had the energy to fulfill those often neglected wifely duties. Again good for both of us (wink, wink).
6. He has gotten a bunch of little stuff done for me that has made my life a little easier in terms of logistics. In this list, was research on financial aid stuff for E which took a little bit of stress off of her shoulders since she thought she was broke and couldn't pay for college--it is seriously the exact opposite of that. Overall, he has done an exceptional job handling the girls' money and, once again, proved that he (we) made the right decisions with how we are dealing with their finances.
7. K and D played 18 holes of golf yesterday. The kids had a half day at school so they took advantage of some nice weather and hit the links. D needs that extra attention and his dad being home filled that void.
8. He's been running a few times and I think the exercise has been good for his overall mood.
Don't get me wrong, this is still a pretty stressful situation. While we don't live paycheck to paycheck, NOT getting paid isn't an ideal situation. Although we have hope that federal employees will get back pay, it is certainly not a guarantee. We're both trying, however, to think of this in a positive light and take advantage of at least one of us getting a work break and lowering the stress around here a bit.
I hate to admit it, but I'm secretly hoping there isn't a miracle deal struck tonight downtown...I've got a few more things on my furlough list that I need to get done.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Tired
Everything K has done in the last week around the house is been prefaced with a "furlough." He worked on his "furlough grass" and made some not that great "furlough meat loaf" one night for dinner. We add this bit of levity to keep the kids from worrying about things, and to keep the two of us from losing it. K is trying to pick up the slack around here since he is off of work. In some ways it is helpful. Running to the store. Making dinner a few nights last week. Driving kids to practice because he's home. Our family cadence is a bit off around here, though, as we all get used to him stepping in where I usual take charge. Sometimes it's just easier to do it myself when I have to take so much time explaining all the why's and how's involved with keeping the family train on the tracks.
Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest. You have been forewarned.
Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party. D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game. It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.
I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day. I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible. A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously.
Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm. During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about. M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs. She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.
Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed. Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today. My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.
M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it. School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school. It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder. It's not just school. Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability. This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate. I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress. ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination. I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.
All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.
I'm so tired today. Bone tired. The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep. Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression. I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight. If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.
Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest. You have been forewarned.
Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party. D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game. It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.
I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day. I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible. A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously.
Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm. During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about. M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs. She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.
Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed. Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today. My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.
M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it. School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school. It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder. It's not just school. Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability. This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate. I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress. ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination. I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.
All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.
I'm so tired today. Bone tired. The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep. Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression. I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight. If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Bow Chica Bow Whatever...
I apologize to my regular readers who might get a bit squeamish about this post, but I'm going to talk about sex in this one. Using euphemisms, of course, because at heart I'm still that 14 year old girl in my Catholic school uniform, but I've found myself thinking about K and I in that arena this morning on the way into the office and thought I'd drop a few thoughts down on the old blog.
While K and I often get offline when it comes to logistics, family stuff, etc., we tend to stay on track, if you will, in the bedroom. I found long ago that when he's happy in that area, he tends to help out a lot more around the house and with the kids. We also tend to be much more connected emotionally when we connect at that more primal level.
K is certainly not a hand holder or overly romantic kind of guy. He does however like to linger over hugs, though, and simple moments of affection often turn into a grope or need for more on his end. Lately, this drives me bonkers. Especially if it's when the kids are still up, or when they've all gone to bed and I finally have some physical distance from them. At this time, I NEED NO ONE TO TOUCH, TALK OR GO ANYWHERE NEAR ME. I capitalized these last words, because that is often the level of desperation I'm at to have a break from EVERYONE IN OUR FAMILY.
Unfortunately, this includes an often horny, just trying to get a little something, something 44 year old guy. I totally get that biological need and probably emotional need that he has, but seriously it is usually the exact opposite of what I'm feeling and my response is often not very nice. When it is nice, it's usually just a promise of "later, after I make lunches, clean the kitchen, fold laundry, get some work done." By the time my laundry list of stuff gets done, which most times includes watching some escapism tv and reading, I'm physically exhausted. Even if sex was on my radar, I'm too tired to even roll over.
When I do garner enough energy, I'm always happy I did. After almost 18 years of marriage that is definitely something we have perfected. I don't want to be an ice queen who often gets to the point that any human touch might send me over the proverbial edge. And I certainly know the benefits of keeping him happy...the dishwasher gets emptied without asking, dishes get done, his whole demeanor is better. My focus is most days is on being a good mother, and often my role as wife falls to the bottom of the list. Sex is a great stress release, but I'm usually too stressed to have sex (if that makes any sense at all).
As I was typing this up, he just sent me a few flirty emails. Silly stuff, but the first sign in knowing what's coming down the pike later tonight. Frankly, all I want to do tonight is watch Greys Anatomy and switch off between Elementary and Parenthood while folding laundry.
Wait, isn't there Thursday night football on? Maybe I'm off the hook :).
While K and I often get offline when it comes to logistics, family stuff, etc., we tend to stay on track, if you will, in the bedroom. I found long ago that when he's happy in that area, he tends to help out a lot more around the house and with the kids. We also tend to be much more connected emotionally when we connect at that more primal level.
K is certainly not a hand holder or overly romantic kind of guy. He does however like to linger over hugs, though, and simple moments of affection often turn into a grope or need for more on his end. Lately, this drives me bonkers. Especially if it's when the kids are still up, or when they've all gone to bed and I finally have some physical distance from them. At this time, I NEED NO ONE TO TOUCH, TALK OR GO ANYWHERE NEAR ME. I capitalized these last words, because that is often the level of desperation I'm at to have a break from EVERYONE IN OUR FAMILY.
Unfortunately, this includes an often horny, just trying to get a little something, something 44 year old guy. I totally get that biological need and probably emotional need that he has, but seriously it is usually the exact opposite of what I'm feeling and my response is often not very nice. When it is nice, it's usually just a promise of "later, after I make lunches, clean the kitchen, fold laundry, get some work done." By the time my laundry list of stuff gets done, which most times includes watching some escapism tv and reading, I'm physically exhausted. Even if sex was on my radar, I'm too tired to even roll over.
When I do garner enough energy, I'm always happy I did. After almost 18 years of marriage that is definitely something we have perfected. I don't want to be an ice queen who often gets to the point that any human touch might send me over the proverbial edge. And I certainly know the benefits of keeping him happy...the dishwasher gets emptied without asking, dishes get done, his whole demeanor is better. My focus is most days is on being a good mother, and often my role as wife falls to the bottom of the list. Sex is a great stress release, but I'm usually too stressed to have sex (if that makes any sense at all).
As I was typing this up, he just sent me a few flirty emails. Silly stuff, but the first sign in knowing what's coming down the pike later tonight. Frankly, all I want to do tonight is watch Greys Anatomy and switch off between Elementary and Parenthood while folding laundry.
Wait, isn't there Thursday night football on? Maybe I'm off the hook :).
Monday, August 19, 2013
Whew!
This post is not to brag or intended to be a whine fest about how much we had going on in this house the last two days. However, I would like to document somewhere the feat that was accomplished this weekend.
(drum roll)
We had 11 soccer games this weekend...6 on Saturday, and 5 on Sunday. Saturday included one 8am game and Sunday include three 8am games. For each of these games, the kids had to be there 45 minutes early for warm ups.
Throughout all of this, kids needed to be fed and hydrated and on Saturday night three uniforms and one coaching uniform needed to be washed. A certain 17 year old had to be given loads of attention because she wasn't the focus this weekend. A certain 6 year old had to be entertained and convinced that 6 hours on a soccer field was fun and exciting. The same child also needed to constantly be supplied with snacks and drinks to maintain the enthusiasm. Two sets of grandparents also had to be coordinated with so they knew when and where all the games were.
Oh, and on Friday night I had to make a pasta dish (whipped up my pesto and penne with grilled chicken, tomatoes and artichokes) for a pot luck for M's new team AND sit around for 3 hours making small talk with parents and explain to them how I'm M's aunt and we have two 13 year olds and NO they are not twins.
AND on Saturday night K and I went to Jimmy Buffet. Was this the smartest thing to do? No, but we agreed to go with a bunch of friends months ago. Do I really like Buffet and did I want to go? Not really, but K really wanted to go and it was nice to see friends--even if they were ridiculously drunk. There is definitely nothing like being one of a few sober people amongst thousands and wishing fervently that I was home in bed with my book. I was proud of myself for faking it, though, and trying to have a good time.
Oh, and we did make it to 5pm mass yesterday. And I washed and folded three loads of laundry.
Did I mention I was on a soccer field at 7:15 am Sunday morning?
Applause may now commence. I am still standing in disbelief that we actually made it through.
(drum roll)
We had 11 soccer games this weekend...6 on Saturday, and 5 on Sunday. Saturday included one 8am game and Sunday include three 8am games. For each of these games, the kids had to be there 45 minutes early for warm ups.
Throughout all of this, kids needed to be fed and hydrated and on Saturday night three uniforms and one coaching uniform needed to be washed. A certain 17 year old had to be given loads of attention because she wasn't the focus this weekend. A certain 6 year old had to be entertained and convinced that 6 hours on a soccer field was fun and exciting. The same child also needed to constantly be supplied with snacks and drinks to maintain the enthusiasm. Two sets of grandparents also had to be coordinated with so they knew when and where all the games were.
Oh, and on Friday night I had to make a pasta dish (whipped up my pesto and penne with grilled chicken, tomatoes and artichokes) for a pot luck for M's new team AND sit around for 3 hours making small talk with parents and explain to them how I'm M's aunt and we have two 13 year olds and NO they are not twins.
AND on Saturday night K and I went to Jimmy Buffet. Was this the smartest thing to do? No, but we agreed to go with a bunch of friends months ago. Do I really like Buffet and did I want to go? Not really, but K really wanted to go and it was nice to see friends--even if they were ridiculously drunk. There is definitely nothing like being one of a few sober people amongst thousands and wishing fervently that I was home in bed with my book. I was proud of myself for faking it, though, and trying to have a good time.
Oh, and we did make it to 5pm mass yesterday. And I washed and folded three loads of laundry.
Did I mention I was on a soccer field at 7:15 am Sunday morning?
Applause may now commence. I am still standing in disbelief that we actually made it through.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Well...
...where have I been? I want to write. I need to write. I just haven't gotten the right time or mental space to put words to paper (or screen). In many respects, life around these parts has been "the same 'ole, same 'ole" mish mash of drama, normal, busy everyday life stuff for a family of 7. Here are some brief snippets:
1. Last week we went to Hilton Head, SC for a family vacation (just the 7 of us). It was a great week. The weather was gorgeous. The kids all had a blast (even E). We went to Savannah for the first time. It was fun to explore a new city together. Lots of gator spotting, turtle and anole catching and most importantly for all of us...good eating. K and I worked hard to make sure the kids knew this was a vacation for us too and tried to sleep in and not stress to much about how or when to feed the minions. He and I had a great week as a couple, reconnecting and having fun away from the normal stress. D got a pretty nasty jellyfish sting, which is still pretty inflamed a week later, but thank goodness this year we made it through injury free. I'll post pictures when I get a chance to download them off the camera.
2. School starts for our kids on August 26th. All of them are in pretty important grades this year. E being a senior and A and M in 8th grade, which is the last year at our school. D starts middle school and L will be in first grade. It's going to be an interesting juggling act to make sure they are all getting the attention they need. We are certainly not ready to go back, but I still have some time.
3. L has his first baseball practice today. He is soooo excited. It was the first thing he told the dentist yesterday. He is actually going to be on his cousin W's team with my brother-in-law (C's husband) as an assistant. We can walk to practice from our house and the head coach and one other player actually live on our street. Logistically this very easy, even though we're adding another practice to our schedule (he also plays soccer). We practiced last night with his new glove and I was once again reminded what an athletic little guy he is.
4. We went to CA's cabin in West Virginia for the day before the HH trip with everyone but M (who was at soccer camp). It was a really nice day for the most part. CA is much more relaxed in her own element. The boys had a great time--swimming in the lake, catching newts (a new species for A) and fence lizards, and smores. E was quiet and pretty moody. I just ignored it and tried not to let it effect the rest of us. In many ways I don't blame her...none of us really like her sisters with CA. Sigh.
5. Speaking of soccer camp, M went for 5 days with her new soccer team (we moved her to one closer to us--same club as boys). It was a much needed break for the rest of us. The boys were so cute dropping her off. D even gave her a hug and told her he loved her. L wouldn't let go of her legs. There were also bit of a celebration when she got home with lots of "I missed you so much" getting tossed around. I need to remind them all of this when they are at each other's throats in the future.
6. We finally have a diagnosis I think for my mom. She's actually meeting with the neurosurgeon as I'm writing this. They think her shunt system for her arnold chiari (put in 20 years ago) isn't working properly and is draining away too much spinal fluid, decreasing the amount around her brain. The doctors are pretty confident they can fix it. Crossing my fingers, but I'm really hoping to get normal mom back. She is understandably really nervous.
7. We are trying some new things with M this fall to deal with her anxiety and ADHD. It sounds counterintuitive, but we're actually reducing her therapy to every other week and dropping her tutoring to an "as needed" basis. The extra time after school was really stressing everyone, especially her out. I am going to really press school for better test taking accomodations for her. Both her therapist and tutur think it's a good idea, so we'll see. I'm hoping things with her will get better emotionally. We've been dealing with a lot of fake illnesses and injuries again. It's very tiring and the boys are starting to call her out on it, which isn't good.
8. How am I? I don't really know. I'm been having problems sleeping again, even on vacation, when I wake up in the middle of the night with major anxiety about all of our family issues--head racing, major butterflies in stomach and nausea. I'm trying hard to be more patient with the kids and K. I'm tired all the time and aren't necessarily eating well again. I still think about the accident and Jeanne a lot. My grief is still filled with anger, despair, pain and confusion. I still find myself crying during songs in the car. I miss my sister.
On the positive, though, I continue to get through life. We are still functioning as a family and for the most part, our house is filled with laughter and love. This is our life. This is my life. I just have to deal with everything the best I can.
1. Last week we went to Hilton Head, SC for a family vacation (just the 7 of us). It was a great week. The weather was gorgeous. The kids all had a blast (even E). We went to Savannah for the first time. It was fun to explore a new city together. Lots of gator spotting, turtle and anole catching and most importantly for all of us...good eating. K and I worked hard to make sure the kids knew this was a vacation for us too and tried to sleep in and not stress to much about how or when to feed the minions. He and I had a great week as a couple, reconnecting and having fun away from the normal stress. D got a pretty nasty jellyfish sting, which is still pretty inflamed a week later, but thank goodness this year we made it through injury free. I'll post pictures when I get a chance to download them off the camera.
2. School starts for our kids on August 26th. All of them are in pretty important grades this year. E being a senior and A and M in 8th grade, which is the last year at our school. D starts middle school and L will be in first grade. It's going to be an interesting juggling act to make sure they are all getting the attention they need. We are certainly not ready to go back, but I still have some time.
3. L has his first baseball practice today. He is soooo excited. It was the first thing he told the dentist yesterday. He is actually going to be on his cousin W's team with my brother-in-law (C's husband) as an assistant. We can walk to practice from our house and the head coach and one other player actually live on our street. Logistically this very easy, even though we're adding another practice to our schedule (he also plays soccer). We practiced last night with his new glove and I was once again reminded what an athletic little guy he is.
4. We went to CA's cabin in West Virginia for the day before the HH trip with everyone but M (who was at soccer camp). It was a really nice day for the most part. CA is much more relaxed in her own element. The boys had a great time--swimming in the lake, catching newts (a new species for A) and fence lizards, and smores. E was quiet and pretty moody. I just ignored it and tried not to let it effect the rest of us. In many ways I don't blame her...none of us really like her sisters with CA. Sigh.
5. Speaking of soccer camp, M went for 5 days with her new soccer team (we moved her to one closer to us--same club as boys). It was a much needed break for the rest of us. The boys were so cute dropping her off. D even gave her a hug and told her he loved her. L wouldn't let go of her legs. There were also bit of a celebration when she got home with lots of "I missed you so much" getting tossed around. I need to remind them all of this when they are at each other's throats in the future.
6. We finally have a diagnosis I think for my mom. She's actually meeting with the neurosurgeon as I'm writing this. They think her shunt system for her arnold chiari (put in 20 years ago) isn't working properly and is draining away too much spinal fluid, decreasing the amount around her brain. The doctors are pretty confident they can fix it. Crossing my fingers, but I'm really hoping to get normal mom back. She is understandably really nervous.
7. We are trying some new things with M this fall to deal with her anxiety and ADHD. It sounds counterintuitive, but we're actually reducing her therapy to every other week and dropping her tutoring to an "as needed" basis. The extra time after school was really stressing everyone, especially her out. I am going to really press school for better test taking accomodations for her. Both her therapist and tutur think it's a good idea, so we'll see. I'm hoping things with her will get better emotionally. We've been dealing with a lot of fake illnesses and injuries again. It's very tiring and the boys are starting to call her out on it, which isn't good.
8. How am I? I don't really know. I'm been having problems sleeping again, even on vacation, when I wake up in the middle of the night with major anxiety about all of our family issues--head racing, major butterflies in stomach and nausea. I'm trying hard to be more patient with the kids and K. I'm tired all the time and aren't necessarily eating well again. I still think about the accident and Jeanne a lot. My grief is still filled with anger, despair, pain and confusion. I still find myself crying during songs in the car. I miss my sister.
On the positive, though, I continue to get through life. We are still functioning as a family and for the most part, our house is filled with laughter and love. This is our life. This is my life. I just have to deal with everything the best I can.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Hide and Seek
"Just a second honey, I need to finish up this work"
"Who are those people Mommy? Where is that?"
I often sit on the couch working on my laptop in the afternoons and evenings. It's a central place, where I'm accessible to the kids and, to be frank, is more comfortable than my office.
It's also my best hiding place. I know I should be working, but the lure of the blogs is too strong. I hide from my own life of drama and stress into the lives of others. I love to read of the rhythms of their every day lives. Snapshots of their families and stories. I get wrapped up in their sorrows and joys, while at the same time trying to escape mine. I've made friends in this secret hiding place. Sometimes it feels like the only comfort in my day.
I often feel guilty about this secret life and the amount of time I spend reading. I haven't told many people in my real life about my blog, although I often mention to others about the blogs I read. I don't think any of them understand how much I rely on those blogs to help me get through the day. Little moments of inspiration or thoughtfulness to give my life some perspective.
My blog reading isn't just about hiding. I know it's also a manifestation of my need to seek some meaning in my life. Trying to find vestiges of the old Peg who walked surefooted through her days of motherhood, marriage and family. Seeking friendship and support. Looking for the means to walk upright in my life that has been completely turned upside down.
My kids love to play hide and seek. Little do they know, the master is sitting right beside them on the couch.
"Who are those people Mommy? Where is that?"
I often sit on the couch working on my laptop in the afternoons and evenings. It's a central place, where I'm accessible to the kids and, to be frank, is more comfortable than my office.
It's also my best hiding place. I know I should be working, but the lure of the blogs is too strong. I hide from my own life of drama and stress into the lives of others. I love to read of the rhythms of their every day lives. Snapshots of their families and stories. I get wrapped up in their sorrows and joys, while at the same time trying to escape mine. I've made friends in this secret hiding place. Sometimes it feels like the only comfort in my day.
I often feel guilty about this secret life and the amount of time I spend reading. I haven't told many people in my real life about my blog, although I often mention to others about the blogs I read. I don't think any of them understand how much I rely on those blogs to help me get through the day. Little moments of inspiration or thoughtfulness to give my life some perspective.
My blog reading isn't just about hiding. I know it's also a manifestation of my need to seek some meaning in my life. Trying to find vestiges of the old Peg who walked surefooted through her days of motherhood, marriage and family. Seeking friendship and support. Looking for the means to walk upright in my life that has been completely turned upside down.
My kids love to play hide and seek. Little do they know, the master is sitting right beside them on the couch.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Keep on Trucking
He may have a broken ankle,but A is still cranking out some awesome videos. I love that he's still trying to be creative even though he can't get on a board. Check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S5IHyXEcwM
On other fronts:
--D hit his first home run at baseball practice the other night. He was thrilled. It was so cute watching one of his friends run over, jump the fence and retrieve the ball for him. It's signed, dated, and sitting on his desk.
--We leave for the beach tomorrow. Mixed feelings about the trip. Good to be at beach, but it often brings out the worst in the girls. We'll see.
--I had major meltdown last night trying to keep a handle on everything I have on my plate. Swim team volunteering is killing me. I know I need to let it go, but the guilt being slung at me from the girls and the head of the team is driving me insane.
--I think I have to give up my therapist. K is giving me a hard time about the expense of it since it's not covered by insurance. Arguing about this was the beginning of the meltdown.
--My mom is not doing well at all. My dad is convinced it's Parkinson's now. She fell yesterday. I feel numb by it all. I just can't let myself go there yet. She sees a neurologist on July 11. My dad is feeling very anxious lately (without admitting it of course) and it driving all of us crazy. Yesterday he told E she can't go far away for college because K and I aren't going to be able to go to parent's weekend so he'll have to go. I kept my cool, but felt like dropping a giant expletive in his direction.
--I guess I'm just feeling a bit adrift. I went to bed feeling awful and woke up feeling awful. I just can't seem to get a handle of everything and balls are dropping. I think I need to take a lesson from my awesome rock star A and try to keep on trucking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S5IHyXEcwM
On other fronts:
--D hit his first home run at baseball practice the other night. He was thrilled. It was so cute watching one of his friends run over, jump the fence and retrieve the ball for him. It's signed, dated, and sitting on his desk.
--We leave for the beach tomorrow. Mixed feelings about the trip. Good to be at beach, but it often brings out the worst in the girls. We'll see.
--I had major meltdown last night trying to keep a handle on everything I have on my plate. Swim team volunteering is killing me. I know I need to let it go, but the guilt being slung at me from the girls and the head of the team is driving me insane.
--I think I have to give up my therapist. K is giving me a hard time about the expense of it since it's not covered by insurance. Arguing about this was the beginning of the meltdown.
--My mom is not doing well at all. My dad is convinced it's Parkinson's now. She fell yesterday. I feel numb by it all. I just can't let myself go there yet. She sees a neurologist on July 11. My dad is feeling very anxious lately (without admitting it of course) and it driving all of us crazy. Yesterday he told E she can't go far away for college because K and I aren't going to be able to go to parent's weekend so he'll have to go. I kept my cool, but felt like dropping a giant expletive in his direction.
--I guess I'm just feeling a bit adrift. I went to bed feeling awful and woke up feeling awful. I just can't seem to get a handle of everything and balls are dropping. I think I need to take a lesson from my awesome rock star A and try to keep on trucking.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Fracture
Just got back from the ortho...not good news at all. The ER misdiagnosed the ankle sprain and A's got a fracture. They put him in a walking cast and I'm currently researching waterproof cast sleeves so he can swim at the beach.
No skating all summer and hopefully he'll be back to playing soccer by middle of August. Basically his entire summer is shot.
Seriously universe. Give us a break (no pun).
No skating all summer and hopefully he'll be back to playing soccer by middle of August. Basically his entire summer is shot.
Seriously universe. Give us a break (no pun).
Monday, June 24, 2013
Wound
I am wound so tight tonight. I can feel the tension from the top of my head through my jaws and into the pit of my stomach. I'm not really sure why I'm so out of sorts.
On Friday, just minutes before he was to compete in his only skateboarding contest of the year, A landed wrong on one of his signature tricks and sprained his ankle. He was devastated and seeing him so upset brought tears to my own eyes. He works so hard at his skating and once we decided he couldn't compete, watching boys skate who aren't even close to him in skill made it even worse. We took his sock off when we got home to ice it and immediately decided a trip to the ER was in order as his ankle was the size of a grapefruit. 3.5 hours later we left with crutches and a cast with instructions to visit the orthopedist in a few days. Typical A, he was all doom and gloom at first since we leave for the beach in a week and stay next to a skate park. By today, he was researching herping spots at the beach and thinking about other fun stuff to do. We see the ortho in the morning, so I'm hopeful the cast will come off and he'll only have to wear a brace.
CA, KM and the little girls were at the skatefest. I invited them to come to support A and spend some time together in a neutral place. It was strange and awful all wrapped into one. KT told me aunt C was CA's favorite sister and asked was I a sister? Then CA told A some ridiculous lie about being once being sponsored by a skateboard company. The cherry on top was CA screeching at MG at one point that was awkward and cringe worthy. Sigh. I don't have the words.
I also got to play soccer this weekend in a local tournament. It was so much fun. I was out of the house both days for several hours and although kids didn't get fed and a certain 17 year old was mad at me for (God forbid) making her go to the used book sale by herself, it was totally worth it. My dad even came to my afternoon game on Saturday and the final on Sunday. I was seriously rusty and out of shape, but had so much fun. In between games, there were great talks and laughs and doing something I know I do well, with people I like was awesome. I can barely move today and my feet are killing me because I haven't worn cleats in months. The pain, though, is a gentle reminder of the old Peg. Somehow I need to find her more often.
The girls have been an absolute handful all weekend. When E is hurting she lashes out on all of us, even little L. When M is hurting, she gets manic and difficult and just plain weird. It's often hard to know what is going on with them. Not enough attention? Too much attention on A or one of the other boys? Who knows? It's like getting slowly beaten to death by marshmallows every day. The little annoyances aren't that bad individually, but together they are crushing me. Crushing us.
The new project at work is also going to be pretty stressful. Interesting, and maybe even a little fun, but tons of work which makes me really nervous about how I'm going to make everything click at home and in the office.
I don't know where I'm going with this post. Maybe I thought typing the words on the screen would take away the pressure. I think it's coming off more like a bit of a pity party. Is it possible to love your life and want to change it all at the same time?
On Friday, just minutes before he was to compete in his only skateboarding contest of the year, A landed wrong on one of his signature tricks and sprained his ankle. He was devastated and seeing him so upset brought tears to my own eyes. He works so hard at his skating and once we decided he couldn't compete, watching boys skate who aren't even close to him in skill made it even worse. We took his sock off when we got home to ice it and immediately decided a trip to the ER was in order as his ankle was the size of a grapefruit. 3.5 hours later we left with crutches and a cast with instructions to visit the orthopedist in a few days. Typical A, he was all doom and gloom at first since we leave for the beach in a week and stay next to a skate park. By today, he was researching herping spots at the beach and thinking about other fun stuff to do. We see the ortho in the morning, so I'm hopeful the cast will come off and he'll only have to wear a brace.
CA, KM and the little girls were at the skatefest. I invited them to come to support A and spend some time together in a neutral place. It was strange and awful all wrapped into one. KT told me aunt C was CA's favorite sister and asked was I a sister? Then CA told A some ridiculous lie about being once being sponsored by a skateboard company. The cherry on top was CA screeching at MG at one point that was awkward and cringe worthy. Sigh. I don't have the words.
I also got to play soccer this weekend in a local tournament. It was so much fun. I was out of the house both days for several hours and although kids didn't get fed and a certain 17 year old was mad at me for (God forbid) making her go to the used book sale by herself, it was totally worth it. My dad even came to my afternoon game on Saturday and the final on Sunday. I was seriously rusty and out of shape, but had so much fun. In between games, there were great talks and laughs and doing something I know I do well, with people I like was awesome. I can barely move today and my feet are killing me because I haven't worn cleats in months. The pain, though, is a gentle reminder of the old Peg. Somehow I need to find her more often.
The girls have been an absolute handful all weekend. When E is hurting she lashes out on all of us, even little L. When M is hurting, she gets manic and difficult and just plain weird. It's often hard to know what is going on with them. Not enough attention? Too much attention on A or one of the other boys? Who knows? It's like getting slowly beaten to death by marshmallows every day. The little annoyances aren't that bad individually, but together they are crushing me. Crushing us.
The new project at work is also going to be pretty stressful. Interesting, and maybe even a little fun, but tons of work which makes me really nervous about how I'm going to make everything click at home and in the office.
I don't know where I'm going with this post. Maybe I thought typing the words on the screen would take away the pressure. I think it's coming off more like a bit of a pity party. Is it possible to love your life and want to change it all at the same time?
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
A list
1. My grandfather's funeral is tomorrow. Reception here. My cousins are being annoying. My dad spelled my cousin's daughter's name wrong on the draft program. I took over and missed the wrong spelling. It's printed, folded and done. While driving down from NY he just asked if it could be changed. Good grief. Reception is here. Not ready at all, but will be. It's looking like a long night. Just trying to focus on Grandpa and trying to stay positive for him.
2. Girls are being annoying as usual this evening. M is making everything about her. E is complaining once again about us making her go to bed at 8:30 pm at night during the summer so she can get up at 3:45 am to swim. She somehow thought we'd be more lenient. She stated tonight that she thought I was being unreasonable. She is absolutely clueless. Her inability to have fun this summer is all my fault because I make her go to bed and get less than 6 hours of sleep and get behind the wheel of a car.
3. In good news, E had a great swim meet last weekend without a bad race in the bunch and a slew of best times. She also rocked out the SATs and got the William and Mary Leadership Award this week. Very proud of her.
4. The boys are good. Surprisingly, they keep plodding on and continue to be such sweet, funny and goofy boys. A saved a snake last week that was stuck in a sticky trap in a neighbor's garage. He calmly extricated the snake (warm water and his snake hook), at the same time educating the entire family on snakes and why they shouldn't be afraid. It was too cute.
5. Summer break....yay! Summer break....ugh...This means swim team and keeping all the minions occupied while I'm trying to get work done.
6. K and I are doing okay. I'm working hard to be patient and try not to worry too much about his health.
7. I'm tired. I still have tons of things to do to get ready for tomorrow. I can feel the tension growing in my jaws. I wish I could put the kids to bed right now and get started. I've got a case of Dr. Pepper's in the garage fridge that have my name written all over them. I wish I could just focus on being sad and not have to host the reception.
2. Girls are being annoying as usual this evening. M is making everything about her. E is complaining once again about us making her go to bed at 8:30 pm at night during the summer so she can get up at 3:45 am to swim. She somehow thought we'd be more lenient. She stated tonight that she thought I was being unreasonable. She is absolutely clueless. Her inability to have fun this summer is all my fault because I make her go to bed and get less than 6 hours of sleep and get behind the wheel of a car.
3. In good news, E had a great swim meet last weekend without a bad race in the bunch and a slew of best times. She also rocked out the SATs and got the William and Mary Leadership Award this week. Very proud of her.
4. The boys are good. Surprisingly, they keep plodding on and continue to be such sweet, funny and goofy boys. A saved a snake last week that was stuck in a sticky trap in a neighbor's garage. He calmly extricated the snake (warm water and his snake hook), at the same time educating the entire family on snakes and why they shouldn't be afraid. It was too cute.
5. Summer break....yay! Summer break....ugh...This means swim team and keeping all the minions occupied while I'm trying to get work done.
6. K and I are doing okay. I'm working hard to be patient and try not to worry too much about his health.
7. I'm tired. I still have tons of things to do to get ready for tomorrow. I can feel the tension growing in my jaws. I wish I could put the kids to bed right now and get started. I've got a case of Dr. Pepper's in the garage fridge that have my name written all over them. I wish I could just focus on being sad and not have to host the reception.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Enough
To win just once would be enough
For those who've lost in life and love
For those who've lost their guile and nerve
Their innocence, their drive and verve
For those who feel they've been mistreated
Discriminated, robbed or cheated
To claim one victory inspired
To win just once is their desire
To win just once against the odds
And once be smiled on by the Gods
To race with speed along the track
Break the tape and not look back
To never have considered losing
As if to win is by your choosing
Bare you soul for all to find
An honest heart and an open mind
--To Win Just Once, The Saw Doctors
Today is starting out to be one in which I just want to yell at...God? the universe? everyone within listening distance?...that I have had enough. Enough already!
I woke up with a pit in my stomach wanting to hide under the covers and try to will the day not to start. We just have too much going on today and it's an in office day today for me so I have to smile and be professional and listen to 20-somethings complain about their terrible day because they ran out of their favorite coffee flavor in the kitchen. I have to work on a project that I think is taking the wrong direction and makes no sense, but have to keep my mouth shut and just be a team player because I need the hours and ultimately need this job.
On the way to school, I had to field the same question I've answered now 5 times to the resource teacher about standardized testing this week with M. In M's student assistance plan we have accommodations in place for extra time in certain tests. She also takes some tests in the resource classroom to avoid distractions. M has a learning disability in math, ADHD and anxiety disorder. All three of these contribute to her academic performance. These tests mean nothing for M, but obviously are important for the school. She does not want extra time and says it just stresses her out more. For some reason nobody at school likes that answer and continuously is questioning ME the person who lives with her everyday and sees how her three challenges play out. More time for her means more time to let her mind wander and lose focus. More time means missing her regular academic classes which in turn adds to her anxiety. It's just not worth it. Enough!!
K seems to have caught the flu/upper respiratory thing L had. He has been coughing for 3 weeks now. According to my research, it takes longer to recover from these types of things when you've had lung damage and pulmonary embolisms. I still think he needs to go into the doctor. He sounds terrible. I'm worried. He's in denial. Enough!!
We still have no idea when my grandfather's funeral is going to be. Why you might ask? Because my cousins in New York who have done nothing to take care of him in the last 5 years are trying to find a "convenient" time to schedule it. Really? My dad is paralyzed in this. I tried to talk to him on Monday about moving forward for the kids' sake and was told to butt out and be more patient. So I can sit vigil all night by myself and watch and listen to him die, then hold him in my arms (again by myself) as he dies, but am not allowed to inquire about when we might actually have a funeral? The kids are really anxious about the whole thing. I just want to grieve and have a funeral and show the kids a normal process. Oh, and my dad asked me to host the luncheon after the funeral at our house. Enough!!
I know I complain about this all the time, but our house is a mess and I just can't get a handle on it. I don't have the time and when I do I want to spend it being with the kids or just chill because I'm exhausted. Some days I fantasize that Nate Berkus or that British guy on the Rachel Ray show will just show up at my house and organize it from top to bottom. Laundry is never ending. Feeding the masses is never ending. Cleaning up after the minions (my new name for them) and keeping track of all the uniforms, socks, etc. is never ending. Enough!!
It all comes down to the fact that while I've had enough of all the stress and work, I continue to feel not enough. I love the comments I get here and from close friends encouraging me and telling me I'm doing the best I can, but at the end of the day someone has to get everything done and that's me. Even the word "enough" connotes the idea of just getting the bare minimum done. I'm tired of settling for the lowest standard. That's not me.
Today, I'm exhausted. I'm lonely. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad and angry. I'm all those things and simply tired of feeling not enough.
For those who've lost in life and love
For those who've lost their guile and nerve
Their innocence, their drive and verve
For those who feel they've been mistreated
Discriminated, robbed or cheated
To claim one victory inspired
To win just once is their desire
To win just once against the odds
And once be smiled on by the Gods
To race with speed along the track
Break the tape and not look back
To never have considered losing
As if to win is by your choosing
Bare you soul for all to find
An honest heart and an open mind
--To Win Just Once, The Saw Doctors
Today is starting out to be one in which I just want to yell at...God? the universe? everyone within listening distance?...that I have had enough. Enough already!
I woke up with a pit in my stomach wanting to hide under the covers and try to will the day not to start. We just have too much going on today and it's an in office day today for me so I have to smile and be professional and listen to 20-somethings complain about their terrible day because they ran out of their favorite coffee flavor in the kitchen. I have to work on a project that I think is taking the wrong direction and makes no sense, but have to keep my mouth shut and just be a team player because I need the hours and ultimately need this job.
On the way to school, I had to field the same question I've answered now 5 times to the resource teacher about standardized testing this week with M. In M's student assistance plan we have accommodations in place for extra time in certain tests. She also takes some tests in the resource classroom to avoid distractions. M has a learning disability in math, ADHD and anxiety disorder. All three of these contribute to her academic performance. These tests mean nothing for M, but obviously are important for the school. She does not want extra time and says it just stresses her out more. For some reason nobody at school likes that answer and continuously is questioning ME the person who lives with her everyday and sees how her three challenges play out. More time for her means more time to let her mind wander and lose focus. More time means missing her regular academic classes which in turn adds to her anxiety. It's just not worth it. Enough!!
K seems to have caught the flu/upper respiratory thing L had. He has been coughing for 3 weeks now. According to my research, it takes longer to recover from these types of things when you've had lung damage and pulmonary embolisms. I still think he needs to go into the doctor. He sounds terrible. I'm worried. He's in denial. Enough!!
We still have no idea when my grandfather's funeral is going to be. Why you might ask? Because my cousins in New York who have done nothing to take care of him in the last 5 years are trying to find a "convenient" time to schedule it. Really? My dad is paralyzed in this. I tried to talk to him on Monday about moving forward for the kids' sake and was told to butt out and be more patient. So I can sit vigil all night by myself and watch and listen to him die, then hold him in my arms (again by myself) as he dies, but am not allowed to inquire about when we might actually have a funeral? The kids are really anxious about the whole thing. I just want to grieve and have a funeral and show the kids a normal process. Oh, and my dad asked me to host the luncheon after the funeral at our house. Enough!!
I know I complain about this all the time, but our house is a mess and I just can't get a handle on it. I don't have the time and when I do I want to spend it being with the kids or just chill because I'm exhausted. Some days I fantasize that Nate Berkus or that British guy on the Rachel Ray show will just show up at my house and organize it from top to bottom. Laundry is never ending. Feeding the masses is never ending. Cleaning up after the minions (my new name for them) and keeping track of all the uniforms, socks, etc. is never ending. Enough!!
It all comes down to the fact that while I've had enough of all the stress and work, I continue to feel not enough. I love the comments I get here and from close friends encouraging me and telling me I'm doing the best I can, but at the end of the day someone has to get everything done and that's me. Even the word "enough" connotes the idea of just getting the bare minimum done. I'm tired of settling for the lowest standard. That's not me.
Today, I'm exhausted. I'm lonely. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad and angry. I'm all those things and simply tired of feeling not enough.
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