I am wound so tight tonight. I can feel the tension from the top of my head through my jaws and into the pit of my stomach. I'm not really sure why I'm so out of sorts.
On Friday, just minutes before he was to compete in his only skateboarding contest of the year, A landed wrong on one of his signature tricks and sprained his ankle. He was devastated and seeing him so upset brought tears to my own eyes. He works so hard at his skating and once we decided he couldn't compete, watching boys skate who aren't even close to him in skill made it even worse. We took his sock off when we got home to ice it and immediately decided a trip to the ER was in order as his ankle was the size of a grapefruit. 3.5 hours later we left with crutches and a cast with instructions to visit the orthopedist in a few days. Typical A, he was all doom and gloom at first since we leave for the beach in a week and stay next to a skate park. By today, he was researching herping spots at the beach and thinking about other fun stuff to do. We see the ortho in the morning, so I'm hopeful the cast will come off and he'll only have to wear a brace.
CA, KM and the little girls were at the skatefest. I invited them to come to support A and spend some time together in a neutral place. It was strange and awful all wrapped into one. KT told me aunt C was CA's favorite sister and asked was I a sister? Then CA told A some ridiculous lie about being once being sponsored by a skateboard company. The cherry on top was CA screeching at MG at one point that was awkward and cringe worthy. Sigh. I don't have the words.
I also got to play soccer this weekend in a local tournament. It was so much fun. I was out of the house both days for several hours and although kids didn't get fed and a certain 17 year old was mad at me for (God forbid) making her go to the used book sale by herself, it was totally worth it. My dad even came to my afternoon game on Saturday and the final on Sunday. I was seriously rusty and out of shape, but had so much fun. In between games, there were great talks and laughs and doing something I know I do well, with people I like was awesome. I can barely move today and my feet are killing me because I haven't worn cleats in months. The pain, though, is a gentle reminder of the old Peg. Somehow I need to find her more often.
The girls have been an absolute handful all weekend. When E is hurting she lashes out on all of us, even little L. When M is hurting, she gets manic and difficult and just plain weird. It's often hard to know what is going on with them. Not enough attention? Too much attention on A or one of the other boys? Who knows? It's like getting slowly beaten to death by marshmallows every day. The little annoyances aren't that bad individually, but together they are crushing me. Crushing us.
The new project at work is also going to be pretty stressful. Interesting, and maybe even a little fun, but tons of work which makes me really nervous about how I'm going to make everything click at home and in the office.
I don't know where I'm going with this post. Maybe I thought typing the words on the screen would take away the pressure. I think it's coming off more like a bit of a pity party. Is it possible to love your life and want to change it all at the same time?