Thursday, August 27, 2015


Song lyrics mean a lot to me.  When I was in high school and college I was a big doodler (I still am actually).  When I was really bored in class, I would fill notebook pages of song lyric excerpts.  Sometimes I'd have a theme.  In college, they tended to be romantic in nature and in my heart I was writing these little messages to K. Since the accident, song lyrics have often been the catalyst for a good session of grief tears. Words are important to me.  I've always been an avid reader and drawn to those books that have an author who takes care over their words.  The kind where I'll re-read a section or paragraph to savor each sentence.

I also like to talk to people. I'm not sure if I'm a total extrovert, because I do need my alone time during the day, but I like to chat with the checkout guys at Target or ask another parent on the sideline how their kids are doing.  I like to share my thoughts with good friends and get the good feelings from telling a funny story and getting another person's laughter.

Words. Sharing. Connecting.


I guess that's part of why I've been struggling so much lately.  I don't feel like sharing as much.  I'm not really talking to the person/people that I really need to be sharing with.  Issues with CA, my other sisters, parents and in-laws have stayed bottled up inside. Logistics, benign pleasantries, FB posts, etc.  are what I'm mustering.  I'm okay mostly when I'm in mom mode.  I've been working hard to be normal mom/Aunt Peg for the kids.

Mostly not having the guts to tell K exactly how I'm feeling.  Worried how he'll react or what he'll say?  Worried how I'll deliver the words?  Sometimes just not having the energy to muster up the courage to confess how lost I feel.


This afternoon, I was driving back from dropping A off at school to catch the bus for cross country and one of my favorite Vance Joy songs came on, Best That I Can.

I'm sick of leaving things half done
things half said
I am, I am trying
the best that I can
I am, I am trying

I suddenly thought of myself scribbling these words out in a notebook.  As I sang them, I thought of all my responsibilities and how overwhelming it has become knowing all I have to do and can't get done.  I'm tired of falling asleep quietly next to someone wanting to talk and connect and instead rolling over and willing sleep to come.  Or waking up in the morning with awful feelings of anxiety and instead of telling him how I feel, I silently crawl out of bed and begrudgingly start the day.


My words to my husband that I'm not saying...

I love you.

I need you to be a teammate in all this not just another person I have to manage.

I am drowning in the day to day demands of work and kids.

I need to you to love me and sometimes put me first. 

I need romance and need to feel wanted.

I am trying the best that I can.

I am, I am trying.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

End of Summer

This is our last week of summer vacation.  We moved E into her apartment last weekend.  The kids are definitely relishing in the last few days of freedom.  Still procrastinating a bit on summer work (although overall in much better shape than last year).  Sleeping in and staying up a bit later.  Practices are ramping up with A starting cross country, M doing both varsity soccer and playing for her club team, and both D and L on their respective travel soccer teams...oh yeah and L plays baseball but has only been to a few clinics.

As a family, I think we've had a good summer.  The kids had a good balance of free time, day trips and one pretty awesome family trip (I am so missing AZ).  We've had lots of laughs.  Time with family on both sides including cousin trips to the pool, sleepovers, an epic lip sync battle, and women's world cup victories to celebrate. 

E being home was mostly good.  She and M fight a lot still and her early morning swimming makes her grumpy and irritable.  Fortunately, she stopped the morning practices for the last several weeks and that helped tons.  Better sleep is always good for her mood and it effects everyone in the house.

Sedona was the highlight of my summer.  The rest of the summer has been punctuated by what I can only describe as feelings of stress, disconnection and being lost.  I'm struggling to focus at work.  I'm trying to keep things going with the kids and the household.  Hopeless isn't exactly the right word, but I wonder sometimes how much longer I can keep up with all that I'm responsible for and not be buried by it.  On most days, staying positive and remembering to be grateful is just too much effort. 

I'm hoping the new school year will bring back some structure to my days.  I'm hoping this brings me more peace and energy.  At minimum, I'll have some more hours during the day of time to myself.

A few glimpses at this summer...

The summer started with a cousin baseball championship.

A snake at a skate park is heaven for A.

Nobody makes M laugh like Uncle K.

D won a big soccer tourney on father's day.

The WWC games were a highlight of the summer.

A won lots of free stuff this summer skateboarding.

D loves to herp just like his big brother.

Best friends.

Working together on a rainy summer day.

E and A remain close and get along so well.

Our boys at the trailhead.

L swimming at our pool with the little sisters/cousins.

Me and M.

Little L got his skate on lots this summer too.

Monday, August 10, 2015


A few weeks back we brought the kids to a family trip to Sedona, AZ.  As some of you may know, Sedona is an area with lots of vortex activity.  Vortexes are "spiritual energy whirlpools" and are know for healing, great meditation spots, and overall spiritual transcendence.  Our house, in particular, was advertised as having strong vortex spots.

I don't really believe in any of that, but I was in such a bad spot emotionally going into the trip that I was game for any sort of relief from the constant feelings of anxiety and stress.

Best. Vacation. Ever.

We hiked about 25 miles over 8 different trails.  Each of them were different and amazing.  We hit the Grand Canyon.  Cliff jumps and natural water slides were taken on. We ate well.  We skateboarded and golfed.  Our house was wonderful.  K was so happy and relaxed.
Coming back to reality has been hard.  Work is especially stressful right now and as we rush towards the school year start my anxiety has once again hit full force.
When things have been really bad, I've been trying to close my eyes and think about Sedona.  Imagine the vortexes healing my stress and pain.  Remember how much fun we had as a family.  Remember how good I felt getting wonderful daily exercise and only having to focus on where my next footstep was going for large chunks of the day.

Not sure if we have any vortexes around here,  but having these great memories is healing in it's own way.