To win just once would be enough
For those who've lost in life and love
For those who've lost their guile and nerve
Their innocence, their drive and verve
For those who feel they've been mistreated
Discriminated, robbed or cheated
To claim one victory inspired
To win just once is their desire
To win just once against the odds
And once be smiled on by the Gods
To race with speed along the track
Break the tape and not look back
To never have considered losing
As if to win is by your choosing
Bare you soul for all to find
An honest heart and an open mind
--To Win Just Once, The Saw Doctors
Today is starting out to be one in which I just want to yell at...God? the universe? everyone within listening distance?...that I have had enough. Enough already!
I woke up with a pit in my stomach wanting to hide under the covers and try to will the day not to start. We just have too much going on today and it's an in office day today for me so I have to smile and be professional and listen to 20-somethings complain about their terrible day because they ran out of their favorite coffee flavor in the kitchen. I have to work on a project that I think is taking the wrong direction and makes no sense, but have to keep my mouth shut and just be a team player because I need the hours and ultimately need this job.
On the way to school, I had to field the same question I've answered now 5 times to the resource teacher about standardized testing this week with M. In M's student assistance plan we have accommodations in place for extra time in certain tests. She also takes some tests in the resource classroom to avoid distractions. M has a learning disability in math, ADHD and anxiety disorder. All three of these contribute to her academic performance. These tests mean nothing for M, but obviously are important for the school. She does not want extra time and says it just stresses her out more. For some reason nobody at school likes that answer and continuously is questioning ME the person who lives with her everyday and sees how her three challenges play out. More time for her means more time to let her mind wander and lose focus. More time means missing her regular academic classes which in turn adds to her anxiety. It's just not worth it. Enough!!
K seems to have caught the flu/upper respiratory thing L had. He has been coughing for 3 weeks now. According to my research, it takes longer to recover from these types of things when you've had lung damage and pulmonary embolisms. I still think he needs to go into the doctor. He sounds terrible. I'm worried. He's in denial. Enough!!
We still have no idea when my grandfather's funeral is going to be. Why you might ask? Because my cousins in New York who have done nothing to take care of him in the last 5 years are trying to find a "convenient" time to schedule it. Really? My dad is paralyzed in this. I tried to talk to him on Monday about moving forward for the kids' sake and was told to butt out and be more patient. So I can sit vigil all night by myself and watch and listen to him die, then hold him in my arms (again by myself) as he dies, but am not allowed to inquire about when we might actually have a funeral? The kids are really anxious about the whole thing. I just want to grieve and have a funeral and show the kids a normal process. Oh, and my dad asked me to host the luncheon after the funeral at our house. Enough!!
I know I complain about this all the time, but our house is a mess and I just can't get a handle on it. I don't have the time and when I do I want to spend it being with the kids or just chill because I'm exhausted. Some days I fantasize that Nate Berkus or that British guy on the Rachel Ray show will just show up at my house and organize it from top to bottom. Laundry is never ending. Feeding the masses is never ending. Cleaning up after the minions (my new name for them) and keeping track of all the uniforms, socks, etc. is never ending. Enough!!
It all comes down to the fact that while I've had enough of all the stress and work, I continue to feel not enough. I love the comments I get here and from close friends encouraging me and telling me I'm doing the best I can, but at the end of the day someone has to get everything done and that's me. Even the word "enough" connotes the idea of just getting the bare minimum done. I'm tired of settling for the lowest standard. That's not me.
Today, I'm exhausted. I'm lonely. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad and angry. I'm all those things and simply tired of feeling not enough.