I apologize to my regular readers who might get a bit squeamish about this post, but I'm going to talk about sex in this one. Using euphemisms, of course, because at heart I'm still that 14 year old girl in my Catholic school uniform, but I've found myself thinking about K and I in that arena this morning on the way into the office and thought I'd drop a few thoughts down on the old blog.
While K and I often get offline when it comes to logistics, family stuff, etc., we tend to stay on track, if you will, in the bedroom. I found long ago that when he's happy in that area, he tends to help out a lot more around the house and with the kids. We also tend to be much more connected emotionally when we connect at that more primal level.
K is certainly not a hand holder or overly romantic kind of guy. He does however like to linger over hugs, though, and simple moments of affection often turn into a grope or need for more on his end. Lately, this drives me bonkers. Especially if it's when the kids are still up, or when they've all gone to bed and I finally have some physical distance from them. At this time, I NEED NO ONE TO TOUCH, TALK OR GO ANYWHERE NEAR ME. I capitalized these last words, because that is often the level of desperation I'm at to have a break from EVERYONE IN OUR FAMILY.
Unfortunately, this includes an often horny, just trying to get a little something, something 44 year old guy. I totally get that biological need and probably emotional need that he has, but seriously it is usually the exact opposite of what I'm feeling and my response is often not very nice. When it is nice, it's usually just a promise of "later, after I make lunches, clean the kitchen, fold laundry, get some work done." By the time my laundry list of stuff gets done, which most times includes watching some escapism tv and reading, I'm physically exhausted. Even if sex was on my radar, I'm too tired to even roll over.
When I do garner enough energy, I'm always happy I did. After almost 18 years of marriage that is definitely something we have perfected. I don't want to be an ice queen who often gets to the point that any human touch might send me over the proverbial edge. And I certainly know the benefits of keeping him happy...the dishwasher gets emptied without asking, dishes get done, his whole demeanor is better. My focus is most days is on being a good mother, and often my role as wife falls to the bottom of the list. Sex is a great stress release, but I'm usually too stressed to have sex (if that makes any sense at all).
As I was typing this up, he just sent me a few flirty emails. Silly stuff, but the first sign in knowing what's coming down the pike later tonight. Frankly, all I want to do tonight is watch Greys Anatomy and switch off between Elementary and Parenthood while folding laundry.
Wait, isn't there Thursday night football on? Maybe I'm off the hook :).
Oh, I just wish I didn't relate to this as well as I do! Frustrating when sex seems to wind up on the list of things you should do rather than want to make time for, but there are limits. And that "everybody stop touching me!" feeling I know all too well.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I'm too tired and it's just something else on my to-do list to keep someone else happy some days.
ReplyDeletede-lurking to say that while I'm not currently married (divorced & engaged), I have a suggestion or two. One is that being emotionally and intimately separated from my first husband was part of why we got divorced. That and his craziness and becoming a controlling abuser.
ReplyDeleteMy other thought is that when my kids want me to do something for them, but I have 16,000 chores to do, I tell them if they can free up my time by doing some of those chores, then I will do what they want. That might work for you and K, too. If he helps you with the after-kids-are-in-bed chores, you'll be less resentful and have more energy for him. If it doesn't work, at least you got some help!
You are singing my song!! I KNOW Brien needs it to feel close and love and connected, but at the end of a really long and busy day, some nights it's just one more chore I have to check off. I always have a great time if we do, but some nights I just want to be NOT TOUCHED and go to sleep. I SO get this.
ReplyDeleteAs an aside, it WAS a great game last night, wasn't it? :o)
Girl, were you reading my mind when you wrote this post ? My husband is easily a full 50% partner with household and parenting stuff and doesn't really have many hobbies or buy stuff for himself. But the man likes sex - sometimes I joke that sex is his hobby and it'a a great hobby because it's free. Having sex regularly makes him happy and by gosh, it's a super easy way to make him happy so I'm all for it.
ReplyDeleteEven during our darkest times and the hardest moments in our marriage and when I was furious at him over something, I still turned to him in bed to offer that reassurance that I knew he needed.
I feel connected to him by whispered reminders of love and by him paying attention to me, and he feels connected by having sex. It's just the way that men and women are.
I also wonder that when everything in your life is so complex and hard, this is an easy thing that you and K. can do for each other. You're really very lucky that things are good in that department !
Me, too, sister. I wish I didn't relate to this, but I do.
ReplyDelete