Winter Storm Thor is currently blowing outside. The snow is mounting at a brisk rate.
Kids are all playing/working quietly. D just made chocolate chip cookies. I'm up in my room trying to work. Distracted by the white flakes steadily falling outside and the 8th birthday party list being compiled next to me. We're having a science themed party and will make slime, erupt a volcano, create a tornado in a bottle, build a marble run contraption and have a guest appearance by big brother's crested gecko. The kid party will be followed two hours later by the family party and a taco bar request from the guest of honor.
Lots to do, but it's a fun kind of busy. Still waiting on possible cancellation of soccer tournament this weekend for D which, if cancelled, simplifies life (and party prep) significantly and means he can play in his rescheduled play-off basketball game.
E comes home tomorrow for spring break. A very happy E who swam out of her head in the end of season championship meet (3 personal bests and 3 finals) and who is really enjoying school. Everyone (except maybe her sister) is happy she's coming home.
Although we really haven't found a rhythm in terms of schedule since school started back up after winter break, having a day of hunkering down, chilling out, and just watching the snow fall is nice.
But....there always seems to be a but.
I've been feeling down lately. A "is this really my life??" kind of down. A wake up in the middle of the night and struggle to fall asleep kind of down. I think part of it is the weather and uncertain schedules with the kids. I think part of it is stuff with K. Stress never helps anything and my family continues to make things hard. Part of it is also the cycle of grief that seems to taint my life now--loss of my sister, loss of what I thought our family was and its impact on our kids. I worry I'll also be stuck on this loop forever and never really feel totally at peace with my life.
Is this really my life? Is this it? Why can't I simply be happy with all the joy in my life and be content? Are content and happy synonymous?
Today I'm gonna watch the snow. Maybe take a nap. Pretend to be working while letting my mind wander and make plans for birthday parties. A day to slow down, and maybe not reflect too much on life and instead live in the present moment.
A moment of quiet. Calm. A perfect snow day.