Friday, January 22, 2016


A snow storm of historic proportions just started.  As the flakes peacefully fall from the sky, our family is prepped and ready for an extended hunkering down with plenty of food, games, firewood, and non-stop watching of the weather channel (that's all D our resident meteorologist).  It feels a bit like Christmas Eve, with the anticipation of something momentous to come.

I haven't written in a long time.  A really long time.  There are lots of reasons for this fact.  Busy with family stuff.  A horrible work situation where I had to request to be taken off of the project I had been running due to a hostile work environment.  A pretty awful 20th wedding anniversary and further marital woes. The holidays.  A vacation to FL after Christmas with the kids (car broke down on way, I threw up the whole time, with a flat tire the day after we got there).  Fatigue on my part both physically and emotionally that limits my urges to write in this space.  This laundry list, though, doesn't seem that much different from my usual venting about the stress that is my life.

This extended writing break seems different.  My life in the last few months hasn't been bad as much as it hasn't been good.  This distinction based on the consistency of the normal bad things, but my inability to find as much good on a daily basis.

I have not been feeling very well on all counts.  I've had a hard time shifting out of the sadness from October. Totally disconnected from those around me and struggling to simply get all the stuff done I need to in order to keep our family afloat.  I have tried to be normal mom for the kids, but I think they have noticed.  A especially often tells me how much he loves me and expressing his thanks for doing basic things.  Physically, I've lost weight (not good) and am so very tired all the time.  I wake up most mornings with awful anxiety and dread for the day ahead.

Maybe my writing avoidance is my inability to admit how bad it really is.

I have been trying to change the tide.  I've been going to therapy and at least admitting to her how badly I've been feeling.  I've tried to make sure I get to my indoor soccer game once a week.  Power naps during the day to restart my engine and clear the brain.  Reading before I go to bed to settle my thoughts.  I'm trying, but it feels like I'm trying to swim out of a rip current and not making much process.

Not sure where I'm going with this post.  I'm sorry for not writing as much, and sorry to my blogging friends for my lack of comments. I've been reading, just not finding the time to comment.  A difficult time connecting with those in my real life, is exponentially harder in the blogosphere.

This blizzard has provided the gift of uninterrupted time.  Its weekend occurrence allowing me the freedom from work demands and kid logistics.  D is currently making cookies.  L wants to play a game.  I may indulge this with a quick dice game and then maybe take a nap. 

I hope everyone being affected by the blizzard stays safe and warm. As long as we don't lose power, I'm looking forward to this forced period of slowing down.  I definitely can use it.