Thursday, December 19, 2013


Feeling lost today.

K left last night on a 4 day bachelor party for a friend that I can't stand (next door neighbor growing up who is 6 years younger and a jerk).

I thought he was leaving on Friday and back Sunday.  He let me know via email yesterday at noon that he was leaving directly after work in order to make it easier on the groom since EVERYONE was going on that flight.

Seems I was also the only one who didn't know it was a cruise to the Bahamas.

My first reaction...anger.  Second reaction...I hope he brought his medicine.  Did he remember block?

He just called and I couldn't even properly articulate how pissed and hurt I am.  I am at work so I can't really cry and scream like I want to.  At least it's behavior I'm used to.  Whenever he knows what he is doing is wrong and selfish, silence is usually his tactic.  Better than having to NOT do what he really wants.  Heck, I want to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, but I could never do that in a million years.

In his heart, I know he is a good man.  He is just sometimes so selfish and never seems to put me first.  He knows I always will get things done and eventually my anger will subside.  I hate being mad at him.  In so many ways, he is just like his dad.  Doing his own thing and always assuming all the fires at the homefront are covered.

Throw into the mix holiday blues with the girls, continued scariness with our neighborhood friend's daughter, stress about getting everything done for Christmas (no shopping done for cousins AT ALL), and K's timing is perfect.

I don't have therapy till Monday and I've found my usual in person outlets absent.  I just needed to get this out and guess what internet friends?  You get my pitiful venting.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I just feel so alone.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Snow Day

Snow is falling.

Laughter can be heard from outside as all five of the kids run around the house chasing each other with snowballs.

Day two of no school meant day two of pancakes made from scratch.

[brief pause as I step away from the computer and this cheerful post to help whoever just came in]

That was D crying because his big brother smashed snow in his face and mulch down his back.

I yelled at A to stop playing and sit on the bench on the front porch in time out like he is 3, sent D up for a shower and insisted to L that he put his hat back on.

Meanwhile, K is outside with all of them ignoring all the fighting because it's easier.

This is the story of our life.  Brief periods of peace followed by chaos.  One parent prefers to stay on the sidelines and not have to be the bad guy.  One parent shoulders it all, while I might add, trying to get some actual work done since the federal government closing doesn't mean I don't have to work a  normal day.

I bet you can also guess who was the one that got all the snow stuff out, doled out boots, hats, gloves and snow pants that fit, and zipped up zippers and tightened boots.

Gotta love a snow day.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Of Sorts

Sorry about the long pause.  I've been out of sorts, as have many around these parts.

The current king of "out of sortness" is A.  He's been battling what the doctors think is a virus for about 10 days now which initially manifested itself as hives all over his legs and arms.  Then they spread to his torso.  Benedryll helped a bit.  We went to the doctor and because he had a slight cough they gave him a z-pac.  They also tested for mono and strep which both came back negative.  That night after the first two antibiotics, the hives spread all over his body and his hands swelled.  Benedryll didn't help at all. He was miserable and didn't sleep a wink.  We went back in the next day and they decided to stop the z-pac and start him on pregnisone.  This made the hives stop almost completely and he seemed a bit better.  Then this past Saturday he started feeling worse and was complaining of body aches, nausea and fatigue.  This morning I couldn't get him out of bed.  Back to the doctor this morning, a flu and another strep test, and the further frustration of not knowing what's going on.  He slept all day and I at least got him to eat some soup and drink water.  He's currently rolling around on the couch after doing some homework and studying for the geography bee he's supposed to be participating in tomorrow (against his younger brother--hilarious).  I hope he feels up to going to school in the morning.  I'm hoping a good night's sleep will do the trick.  Crossing my fingers.

I have been really out of sorts since Jeanne's birthday and it carried over into my birthday when I passed her in years on earth.  That's just all sorts of wrong.  I spent the weekend with M at a soccer tournament.  I just wanted to be home with my boys.

My out of sorts has led to K being particularly out of sorts.  We're in a funk and are both too tired and stressed to even try to bust out of it.

E committed to William and Mary last week which has been all kinds of awesome.  How she let us know, and how the other members of our family dealt with the news has been all sorts of annoying.  Yet again, something that should be a happy moment for our little (okay not so little) family gets tainted by everyone trying to "own" E and cross the line.  In the long run, we're just happy to get to share our alma mater with her and watch her grow in such a cool place.

M...sweet lordie M...has been all kinds of difficult.  I am dreading high school.  Heck, I'm dreading this week.

D has been on another one of his eating strikes.  I try not to fight him on it, but it's so frustrating.  He's playing travel basketball now and I worry about him having enough energy.

L is our funny little guy.  He's started texting his cousin W on my phone and the conversations are priceless.  They love each other very much which warms my heart.

Work is...well work.  If I could change one thing in my life, it would be taking a sabbatical from work, but that's not feasible financially, so I continue to try to balance it all and feeling pretty useless on all fronts.

I need to snap out of it.  I don't want to repeat the Christmas Funk of 2012.

Fa, la, freaking la.