Things that suck:
1. I am feeling pretty crappy and the person I usually look to for comfort is the one making me feel crappy.
2. My friend's little girl has a diagnosis. Very rare peripheral T-cell lymphoma. Rarely found in kids. Never found in the brain. I feel sad and paralyzed with not being able to do anything to help.
3. It's ridiculously cold (school is actually cancelled tomorrow).
4. I'm starting to get the kids' gunk and feel less than stellar but I have a huge client meeting tomorrow that I CANNOT miss.
5. Work (see number 4).
6. Teenage girls are moody, annoying and are excellent at saying mean things that make you feel so very less than.
7. Still needing to take down Christmas decorations.
8. After two weeks relatively off from school, sports, etc. we're back to our normal level of crazy.
Things that do NOT suck:
1. Winning indoor soccer games, scoring tons of goals and having your teammates send sweet emails about your play all day.
2. A kind therapist named Harriet who also thinks one's spouse is being an ass (see item #1).
3. 6 year olds.
4. Pulled pork in the croc pot so you don't have to scramble for dinner.
5. Good music.
6. Good books.
7. Internet friends.
8. Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered pretzels.
9. Funny texts from good friends.
10. Having a "things that do NOT suck" list longer than a "things that suck" list.
I think it is awesome that your do NOT suck list is longer...even when it might not feel this way you are doing a great job keeping it together.
ReplyDeleteYou are always SO GOOD at keeping your perspective intact.
ReplyDeleteI've been attending Al-Anon meetings to help prepare me support a family member, and it's been really powerful to work the first few steps and realize that I am powerless over other people and their issues. I think I've commented here before that although my husband is awesome in all ways 95% of the time, the remaining 5% of the time he is a cranky moody Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde - and Al-Anon has been very helpful for me in how I relate to him. I imagine you don't have time for meetings, but maybe reading through the steps and concepts may help. http://www.al-anon.org/the-twelve-steps - I just substitute "husband's anger" for alcoholism and it makes sense to me.
Yay for the music and books and soccer success. And I wish I knew how to make pulled pork in the crock pot.
ReplyDeleteI like number ten on the not suck list. That's always a plus!
ReplyDeleteI'm not looking forward to number six on the suck list. :sigh:
I'm so glad you have a wonderful therapist. I hope you are feeling better and survive you meeting today.
Good luck!
I'm glad you're keeping things in perspective. He is being an ass and he probably knows it. He may not know how to stop being an ass without getting a cue from you.
ReplyDeleteGood luck at your meeting today. I hope the not suck list is always longer than the suck list! Sending hugs from across the way - hope they help :)
Your not suck list is excellent. I've been thinking about your situation with your husband and I think it's worth thinking things through from a dispassionate analytical point of view.
ReplyDeleteRight now, you are more unhappy and your life is worse off because you're alienated from your spouse. If you read back through the blog, you'll see that the times when you and your husband are connected, you feel better and are happier (even though he never pulls his full weight as a parent, especially in difficult situations). The ultimate outcome of extended alienation can be divorce. The consequences of a divorce would be much more unhappy for you than for your husband. He would likely move into an apartment and be awarded joint custody of the boys. In the half-time when he's not parenting, he will go out with friends, start dating, etc., and gain all the "freedom" that he appears to be pining for. You would be left picking up all the emotional pieces for the kids and half the time be alone with M (my guess is that your husband wouldn't get shared custody for M). Oh -- and financial stresses would get worse.
I think because you lose more in an alienation and potential divorce scenario, you need to be the one to end the alienation. It has nothing to do with right and wrong. It doesn't enable or condone his immature and poor decision-making and his acting like an ass. It's simply a calculated decision based on what makes YOUR life better/easier.
I also think the two of you need to reconcile emotionally and physically before you can work through issues (because it's too hard to work through issues when you're feeling hurt).
I'm just guessing at Catholic theology here, but I'm going to assume that at some point you've heard your priest talk about God as a God of love and mercy and that God extends grace and forgiveness to sinners even though they don't deserve it. I think this needs to be your attitude -- your husband doesn't "deserve" your forgiveness, he "should" be the one begging for your forgiveness. But because it's better for your life, you can choose to extend a hand in grace and mercy.
I think you do this by sending an e-mail saying that you feel sad, you miss his love and support, and you want to be friends again and inviting him back into your bedroom. I think if you two can connect physically (and yes, that means s*x), the floodgates will open, tears will be shed, and you'll be able to talk again.
(But maybe don't do this the night before an important client meeting).
Hoping you realize this is sent in support and friendship from across the wide sea of the internet.
Davidah
Davidah - that was fantastic. You wrote it for Peg but it is absolutely the advice I needed for myself. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThings that suck: the circumstances in which you sometimes find yourself.
ReplyDeleteThings that do not suck: you.
What Sara said!
ReplyDeleteHoping that list one gets shorter and list two gets longer.
ReplyDelete#10 on your 2nd list is my favorite. Though #2 on that list made me lol. Also, what Sara said.
ReplyDelete