Monday, November 28, 2011

Easy and Hard

24 hours without the girls last week was easy...even blissful.

Dealing with their constant need for attention after they got home was really hard.

It's relatively easy to get loads into the washer and even switched over to the dryer.

It's hard to get clothes folded and put away (especially socks).

It's easy to make love to my husband when I've had plenty of rest and aren't stressed out.

It's hard to generate any sort of romantic energy on most days.

It's easy to take care of 5 kids on school vacation with no sporting events.

Managing the logistical nightmare of all the kids' sports each week is hard.

Loving all the kids is very easy.

Convincing all of them that I love each one of them on a daily basis is hard.

Remembering how much I should be thankful for every day is easy.

Remembering how much we've all lost is hard.  Painfully hard.

Telling funny stories about Jeanne and Mike is easy.

Telling funny stories about Jeanne and Mike is hard.

Wanting to be everything for everybody is easy.

Being everything for everybody is hard.

It's easy to get things done around the house when I'm by myself.

It's hard to feel so alone.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


Today is my birthday.  I bet you can guess how old I am.

My present to myself today is taking a few minutes to post on my blog.  It's been that kind of week and that kind of day.  Last year was such a stinky birthday anything was going to be better.

A few highlights of the day...

1.  My cell phone is an iphone from work.  Because of that, it's basically set up only for email and phone. So this means no fun apps.  Magically today my phone added itunes and the app store wirelessly and I can add some games.  Angry birds and Word were my first additions.  I'm currently playing scrabble with both S and C.  So fun.  This may sound silly but it's kinda made my day.  Technically I'm supposed to have any apps but I'll just delete them if I need to.

2.  D had a follow-up appointment for his bronchitis and I let him sleep in.  We brought L to preschool and then headed to dunkin donuts before the appointment.  It was fun and I know it made his day to have my full attention for a bit.

3.  I got lots of really sweet birthday wishes from my friends on facebook.

4.  C and her kids came over tonight after dinner and brought me a cake.  It was fun to see them and the cake was delicious.

5.  The best thing that happened today has to be that L peeped on the potty.  He only went once, but it's a start.  He didn't want me to tell anyone, but I could tell that he was pretty proud of himself too.

The rest of the day has been pretty normal which means stressful and difficult.  E had a meet tonight with her high school team and came in second in both races.  This, according to her, has completely ruined her entire season.  CA called me tonight about the big girls spending the night were her and the little girls tomorrow and then meeting up with us at my parents Thursday afternoon.  She didn't mention my birthday, was cold and distant and really weird.  The girls don't want to go, but it's important for them to be with their sisters.

K has pretty much ignored my birthday.  He's currently at the sixth grade boys basketball draft.  He'll probably give me a lame birthday present when he gets home.  I'm really not that picky, but he's given me basically the same present for my birthday, Christmas and anniversary for the last 3 years.  Compounded with our overall tension it just sucks.  He did apologize for the fight over the soccer tournament, but it seemed hollow.  We're in a rut.  A rut with 5 kids draining every last bit of energy out of us.

I still have to clean up the kitchen from the dinner I made and the impromptu birthday cake.

It's just a day.  Lots of good things happened (did I mention L peed on the potty!!!). 

I've got lots of things to write about (the holidays, K, tension with CA, work, etc.).  It's just been really hard to make the time.  Emotionally, I've been feeling kind of raw too and sometimes writing about what's going on helps, while other times I just want to go to bed and hit restart on my life.  Rehashing the bad can be hard...sort of like therapy I guess.  Anyway, I'm going to try to write more....even if it's just to announce each time L goes potty all by himself!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

A Choice

Someone once told me that marriage is about choice.  Even on the days that you can't stand the sight of your spouse, making the decision to love them and work at it.  Some days that choice is easy.  Some days that choice is hard.

My husband is angry.  I can see it in his behavior the last few weeks.  Hiding away in the basement at night watching sports and just being absent from us.  Speaking to me dismissively or with unwarranted anger.  He wants his family back.  He wants his wife back.  He still wants his freedom to pretty much do what he wants.

I understand that.  I do.  But what I don't understand is why he seems to blame it all on me.  I firmly felt we made this choice to take the girls together with our eyes open.  I hoped that we'd tackle it together.  More and more I realize that he still struggles to accept the girls' permanence in our family and what that means.

We have tons of soccer this weekend.  One tournament in Richmond with D and M is in Maryland.  A also has two makeup games (K is his coach).  For Saturday, the logical decision given the times were that I'd handle the Richmond end and K would do A's game in the morning and M's in the afternoon.  He just called me and said (yelled) that he was going to head down to Richmond after A's morning game in order to see both of D's games.  He repeated that he should be able to go to "his son's" games and M could get a ride.  When I questioned his reasons and pointed out that M should get to have one of us at her games the screaming continued.  I tried to remain calm, pointing out that we need to treat all the kids the same he screamed, "she's my niece and YOUR niece NOT our daughter and she can just get a ride."  Wow.  The conversation escalated to him yelling at me to f-off and that he'd do whatever he wanted.  Again, wow.

I hate arguing with K.  When he is in the wrong or realizes his decision or actions aren't ideal, he gets defensive and will go on the offensive, usually making me feel terrible.  Eventually he realizes he's wrong and either apologizes or tries to make up for it.

I'm at a loss.  I wish I had an equal partner in this struggle.  I need him. All the kids deserve more.  We both deserve more. But again, I think I'm wanting him to be more than he is.  I hope that  one day he'll make the choice to truly bring the girls into his heart, not just our home. 

I'm not holding my breath.  Regardless, looks like I've got to try to find a ride for M to her games.


Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Sorry for the silence.  I have been both busy and distracted.  The past few weeks have been harder than I thought.  I've tried to fill my days with the usual logistics, but also trying to be in the present moment with the kids and not let the anniversary blah carry over too much.  I have tons to share, I just need a little time to do it.  For now, here's a picture of the little guys from Halloween.  E handed out candy and didn't want to be in the picture.

p.s. I made the Care Bear costume (with a little help from E and M's Aunt from Indiana)...I was very proud :)