This is going to be another random post. Lots of things are percolating in my head for longer posts, but I don't want my lack of time to keep me from writing and using this space. Here are a few little nuggets...
Grief. Loss is a common experience that all human beings will face. Knowing that at some point in your life someone you love is going to die doesn't make it any easier. My sister is dead. My Zhea is dead. I still don't really believe it happened. Just thinking about her physically in the ground all alone makes me nauseous. I miss Mike too at times, but it's not the same intensity and gut wrenching feeling. Human tragedy happens everyday all over the world. I don't know why I thought that our family would be immune to this kind of suffering. I am reminded of our loss everyday because of the girls living with us. Before they moved in, I felt at times that our little family could hide from it and return to some sense of normalcy. It's almost been a year, but it still feels strange and new having the girls in our family. As with everything I hope that time helps us all.
Health. I am in terrible shape. I need to get a little exercise before the soccer season starts or I'm going to get injured which would be awful all around. I want to feel better. I want to have more energy. I just can't seem to find the time. I need to find some inner strength to just bite the bullet and go run a mile. I am an athlete. It is so much a part of who I am. Maybe if I find that inner athlete in me again it will have ripple effects elsewhere (eating, sleep, energy levels). I was so tired today I felt sick to my stomach this afternoon. When I got home from work at 4, the kids were just starting a movie. I laid down on the hardwood floors with a pillow and fell dead asleep. Uncomfortable, but I felt much better when I woke up.
Stress. My tense jaw/tic thing is getting worse. I'm doing it right now while I'm typing. I hate when I do it, but it makes me feel better. The hives are back although not as bad. They get worse at night. I'm trying hard not to take the stress and tension out on the kids. As usual, D and his not listening, misbehaving little self is getting the brunt of things. I don't know how to get him to listen and at the same time I can't control the events causing my stress levels to hit such high levels. Somehow I need to break the cycle.
Organization. I'm trying to gets some inspiration in this area from Pinterest. Just the visual cues are helping my attitude about things. I also did a little google research on hiring a professional organizer. I don't think we'll ever actually go down that route due to the cost, but it's been interesting seeing the before and after pictures to give me some ideas. If I could get a handle on things before school starts at the end of the month, I know we'd start the school year on a better footing. From what I've been reading, it would be really good for M and her ADHD issues.
Marriage. I'm trying really hard on this. Some of the work involves a little extra attention in the bedroom. Some of it is just laughing at his jokes and enjoying the time we do have together at night after the kids get to bed. I have to remember what a good man he is and how many men wouldn't have agreed to take the girls. We're going to a wedding in Montana in September just the two of us. I think it will be a good way for us to reconnect and start off the school year and all the kids' activities in a positive frame of mind.
Well, not many profound thoughts going on tonight, but I do feel good about getting it out. One step at a time. Right?
Hi Peg,
ReplyDeleteI saw a comment of yours on Julie's (A Little Bit Pregnant) and wondered about your story, so came here and read your blog. I am overwhelmed by your story and the changes you and your family have gone through. As a total stranger I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you to hang in there. It sounds so very very hard but you are doing your absolute best and struggling through. This is perhaps one of the most enormous life changes you could have to process and adapt to. But one day you will find that things are easier more often than hard, and some day all the children will have a better understanding of the fine line you're having to walk to parent everyone.
You wrote that it felt strange and undeserved when Dr. L said there was a special corner of heaven for you. I think maybe this is the same feeling that parents of special needs children have when others make similar compliments ("you must have had that child because God knew you could handle it"). In truth we do what we have to do, even if we don't feel equipped to handle it. But I hope you also know that you are doing something amazing, even if you don't always feel like you are doing it as well as you would like. Really, how could anyone do this as well as they would like?
So--thank you for doing your best parenting five children in a very difficult time.
And I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and her husband.
Grief sucks. I had thought getting past the first year and all those "first" milestones would make year two easier. Year two for me was almost worse than year one, FYI. You've passed all those milestones, so now what? Just more of the same. :sigh:
ReplyDeleteI think if you begin working out again, it will help with your stress levels which in turn will help you with D. Lil is riding on my every last nerve these days. I do believe much of it is just the dog days of summer, you know?
It also took me over a year to really get to the point where I could even begin to focus on organization. As I mentioned before, I think if you work in one small space at a time, and meet with success there, you'll feel better about the rest of it and before you know it, have it all done. Pinterest is FULL of excellent ideas. :o)
Mike is a good guy, and this is rough for him too. I do believe the trip in September may be just what you guys need to reconnect. It's just so hard when you give and give and give all day long and you are all "gived" out and then need to be there for your hubby. I understand.