Searching

I've tried to do lots of things to help myself feel better in the last two weeks...

--I've been in desperate need for a hair color for months.  The kids were in the habit of calling me grandma.  I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me.  I'd normally go to my hairdresser (the lovely Lan) but I just haven't had the time.  C and I were hosting a baby shower for S and I couldn't face the 30-something set feeling like an old lady.  I called my friend Jess down the street, bought a hair color kit, and we colored and straightened my hair.   I also went and got my brows done...yay!  Combined with a cute new outfit, I got lots of compliments at the party about how great I looked.  It was a lovely night.

--I got myself and the boys to the dentist and even got the follow-up ortho appointments for the boys.  I am ashamed to say that we hadn't been to the dentist since 2 weeks after the accident.  For some reason, the dentist just fell off the radar.  I'm glad I finally got us in.  I know this is something for the kids too, but it's been hanging over my head and having it done makes me feel better.

--While at the beach, I tried to stay technology-free.   I didn't check email,  facebook or blogs.  I rarely checked my phone.  It was a nice break.  I also spent an entire afternoon on the last day by myself at the beach reading.  Everyone else went jet skiing.  I could have gone to watch, but decided to take the time for myself. 

--A few nights ago, A and I finally went and saw Harry Potter together.  I loved it.  The tears that flowed down my cheeks multiple times during the movie were very cathartic.  Hanging with my sweet, funny A was also great.

--Yesterday K booked our trip to Montana in a few weeks to a friend's wedding.  We have been waffling about whether or not we should leave the kids.  I am so excited.  We are actually going a day earlier than expected so we can join in on a whitewater rafting trip and big dinner the night before the wedding.

--Last night I played soccer for the first time in many months.  I was almost giddy as I pulled up my socks over my shinguards and laced up my copas (my Adidas cleat of choice).  Being on the field was wonderful.  Running, sprinting, receiving and delivering passes, dribbling with ease through the opposing team, all combined for an almost meditative quality.  I know that sounds strange, but for me, I've always been happiest in the purest sense while playing.  I got a blister.  My right hamstring is sore today and will most likely be worse tomorrow, but it was completely worth it.

A great list, right?  Lots of things that I did just for me.  I actively did things to feel more like myself. 

So why don't I feel better?  Why have I woken up every morning this week with that all too familiar pit in my stomach?  Why haven't I been able to eat?  Why has my anger been particularly bad?  I woke up Wednesday morning and I was simply furious at the world.

I feel so profoundly alone in this struggle, but at times I just want everyone to go away. 

I'm tired of talking about everything that is our complicated life.  I'm tired of feeling like such a failure and whiner. I'm tired of being in such a funk.  I'm tired of grief sneaking up on me and forcing me to hide my tears from my 4 year old.  I'm tired of my 4 year old worrying about death and everyone leaving him.  I am tired of dealing with 2 traumatized girls.  I am just plain physically and emotionally exhausted.

I am still searching for something to help.  I'm still trying to find my equilibrium again.  I have faith it will happen again someday.  I wish I had more clarity about when that day might come.  I wish I had more control about making it happen myself.