Monday, August 1, 2011

And So It Goes...

I have been writing posts in my head for days, but haven't had the time to sit and write.  More accurately, I haven't had the energy at the moments I do have time to myself to write.  As with most things in my life at this point, I only have the time or focus for small things at a time.  In that vein, here are ten things going on in no particular order or priority.

1.  We started M on her medicine (Concerta) for the ADHD.  It seems to be going okay.  I think in my optimism that this is going to solve all our problems, I've been seeing great improvements in areas where I if I'm really being honest, there really hasn't been a huge improvement.  She does seem a bit calmer and maybe more "put together."  She's still a little ball of anxiety and craving attention like crazy.  The fake illnesses and injuries are getting so old.  Then last week after fashion camp she started speaking one of the girls at camp.  It is driving all of us crazy.  I have to keep reminding myself that M is a work in progress and it may take years for her to settle.  I just wish there was something I could do to help her more, for all of our sakes.

2.  E's boyfriend situation has settled down. We're trying not to make a huge deal out of it.  He really is a nice boy and a total geek (they are a perfect match in that respect).  He's in the marching band, has a 4.1 and has been very nice and respectful.  It's nice to see her having more of a connection with our neighborhood and making friends.  She has such a hard time just chilling out and having fun, that at least for the next month when she has a break from swimming she'll have a bit of a distraction.  My radar is still up, but I'm trying not to overreact.

3.  D had a lemonade stand last Thursday to raise money for "habitat loss for reptiles and amphibians."  He raised $38 selling lemonade, brownies and cookies.  I was really proud of him.  With some help from his Aunt Katey, he organized the whole thing with signs, tables, baking etc...His little brother yelling "Flesh Lemonade!!" as cars passed by didn't hurt either.  Our big problem now is finding an actual organization that works towards protecting habitat for reptiles and amphibians. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.  He wants to write a letter and send the money post haste.

4.  A blogger that I have read regularly for years was in a car accident last week with her family and her husband was killed.  This has really affected me.  Just like with my sister, their accident was caused by another person being negligent. I can't stop thinking about it.  Her poor little boys.  Their oldest is only a few weeks younger than L.  It brought back our accident in full force.  Tragedy hits at random.  I visited Jeanne and Mike at the cemetery after I found out.  Even after almost two years, I still can't believe it happened.  It's still hard to accept they are gone.

5.  My mom spent the day today at the emergency room making it a pretty stressful day.  My mom has a rare neurological disorder called. Arnold–Chiari malformation.  Her symptoms come and go and have recently gotten pretty bad.  Talking with her can often be really frustrating and I sit there wondering if she's really listening.  She often falls asleep in her chair in the middle of the day.  My dad worried about dementia, cancer, etc...A few hours ago we got the news that it's not any of those things and it's still just the Arnold-Chiari.  Huge relief, but at the same time, we all still wonder if there is more we could do to help her.  Our family could just use a break and a little good news.  My dad also doesn't need all this stress.  He was recently diagnosed with diabetes and has had trouble coming to grips with the ensuing changes required in his diet.  It's hard to see your parents getting old.  They've been through so much in the last two years, I wish they could have some peace.

5.  Our house is still an absolute mess. I just can't seem to get a handle on things.  I have fantasies about some anonymous donor sending an organization and design expert to our house to organize our bedrooms, my office, the playroom and figure out ways to get us better organized.  I joined Pinterest and it's helping to inspire me and give my ideas.  I yearn for more time and energy for each day.  I feel like Sisyphus rolling my boulder of laundry, cooking, driving, logistics management up a huge steep hill only to start all over again each day.  I know I need to make a change.  I can't seem to make it happen.  Spending time with the boys or sometimes simply taking a nap takes priority.

6.  A got a new crested gecko last week.  His name is Cruz.  He is very, very cute.  It's made everyone really happy.  We're still trying to figure out exactly what he likes to eat, etc...but it's been fun to have a new addition to A's menagerie.  It has certainly made him happy.  Of course this new addition was tinged with a bit of sadness since it meant that his leopard gecko with gout finally died.  It was a slow and sad demise.  A was prepared for it, though, and took it pretty well.  Frankly, we've gotten pretty used to death and loss around here.

7.  The kids officially started their summer reading today.  A had actually already finished one of the books, but M and D hadn't started yet.  In retrospect, we should have started M a bit earlier but I just couldn't get my act together.  Today we hit both our closing Borders and Barnes and Noble to get books off the list.  Yes, I know we should have gone to the library, but that would mean having to remember to return the books and renew them.  Yes, I can do all of that online, but I have a problem with remembering to do just that.  Of course, this also meant new books for L.  I couldn't resist the discounts at Borders.  A also got the first two books of a series he's been wanting to start (The Ranger's Apprentice?).  I love that he loves books like me and am a sucker for feeding his reading habit.

8.  After a bit of an improvement after our trip to Hilton Head, K and I seem to be back in our funk.  I've noticed that is definitely coincides with periods of what I like to call "too much girls."  At times, the girls require the work for 4 kids not 2.  In the past week, the girls have been very needy in addition to meetings with the bank, letter from the commissioner of accounts concerning our first guardianship accounting, and lot of swim team things.  The boys have not gotten the attention they normally get and I know it bothers K.  I have to have faith that in the long run, the boys are going to be fine, but it's hard not to think about how this is not the life I wanted for them or us.  I'm not the mom or wife that I was and I'm not sure if I'll ever find my way back. It sucks.

9.  After getting sucked into the series on HBO with K, I've become a bit addicted to George Martin's Game of Thrones book series.  I finished book 2 last night and couldn't resist getting book 3 today at Target.  I've always had an affinity for fantasy books, but I wouldn't say that it's a genre that I've read often as an adult.  Of course I've read all of the Harry Potter books several times and have enjoyed reading the Rick Riordan Lightning Thief and Kane Chronicle books with A.  This series has completely pulled me in and has been a lovely escape.  I really don't know what I'd do without books in my life.  They have literally (no pun) kept me sane this last year.

10.  I really want to try to make more of a effort with this blog.  It helps so much to get the words out and process what's going on in my life in a way that's sometimes better than therapy.  I find myself reading and re-reading posts I've written to remember, reflect and find encouragement.  Some comments have brought me to tears, while others give me the courage for action.  This blog helps me feel not so alone in this new life.  I'm not sure how to find the time to do this, but I'm going to work on it.


  1. After Hannah died in was in such a state of confusion and flux I didn't know where I was and what I was doing. My blog was the only thing I had that grounded me, so I made that a priority. My house fell to shambles and we had pizza more nights than we didn't, but I made the time to get on my blog and write.

    I'm better now. I'm more organized, I spend time with both girls, we have home cooked meals more often than not, but I STILL make time for my blog because it is so therapeutic for me.

    Oh lordy, reading over that, it sounds so preachy. I'm not trying to preach. I guess I'm saying if you have found something that helps you cope, go with it. I realize I only had one kid and you've got five, and that certainly makes a difference. Ultimately, do what you can to take care of YOU. YOU are the one holding it all together, so YOU need to be in a good place--or the best place you can be.

    Is Concerta one of those drugs that needs to build up in the system? I know there are some like that, as I've taught children with ADD/AD/HD and if they are off their meds, it takes a while for them to recalibrate once they're on again.

    Brien was a band geek. He was a geek geek too. He was a good guy and just what I needed in HS. I'm glad E's guy isn't a punk or worse. Whew.

    Hooray for A and the gecko! I'm also in love with D and his lemonade stand. What a guy! I wonder if some Amazonian rainforest charities might be a good fit for saving reptilian and amphibian homes.

    My prayers for your mother and the blogger who lost her husband so suddenly. My heart aches for her and her family.

    Hugs to you, friend. My prayers for your relationship with K as well.

  2. It's just amazing how many balls you have in the air at once. It sounds like things are going pretty well, though. I just hope that you and K can get back in tune sometime soon.