Monday, August 8, 2011

Moving in the Right Direction

I'm slowing but surely feeling better.  Today has been a good enough day on the UTI front that I drank a diet coke this afternoon.  For the first time in days, I felt hungry at dinner and ate pretty well.  By yesterday I was feeling at about 40% and I'd give today about 75%.  As my "tired of picking up the slack" husband put it yesterday, "40% of Peg is better than none!"  Today I tackled our laundry situation and was able to finally put away clean clothes that have been sitting in baskets for weeks and I feel a bit accomplished having gotten it all done when not feeling my best.  I think these past few days have been a wake up call for how unhealthy I've become when a simple UTI floors me. 

Yesterday was my Grandpa's 95th birthday.  We had a barbecue at my parents and two of my cousins and my aunt from New York came down.  It was nice to see them and we all had a nice time.  We got the usual "how are the girls doing" in hushed tones, but at this point I'm so used to it I simply declare they are fine and try to change the subject.  I usually try to talk about the boys at that point because it still really bothers me that all everybody ever worries about is the girls.  It really gets old after a while.

E and M continue to be so trying.  It's one thing to deal with their grief and anxiety issues in a direct fashion.  It would actually be refreshing to talk about their parents and have a little cry.  But it's quite another to deal with their constant need for attention and getting their way.  On Saturday, when I was at my worst, M actually starting coming up with fake ailments to compete with me as to who was more sick.  E's latest gripe is that I haven't made an appointment with a dermatologist to get a mole removed.  I've tried to explain to her that it just really isn't high on my priority list and that I'll get to it when I get to it.  It is on her shoulder in a location that most people wouldn't even notice.  It is not that big, but it's become a source of irritation since little kids this summer at the pool supposedly asked her what it was.  I know it's tough being a 15 year old girl.  The problem is that she's just one out of 5 kids and dentist appointments, the ADHD medication update and eye appointments have simply taken priority.  There is only one of me and I can't do it all.  As I was writing this actually E just asked me if she could play rec-league basketball or lacrosse this year.  Huh?  When I tried to explain to her that her swimming commitment is about as much as she and our family could handle, I got the sad face and argument about how all these other people get to do all these other sports.  Sigh.

Then there are the boys.  A continues to get his summer reading done, drawing and talking about reptiles and amphibians.  D continues to bother everyone in the house (especially A and M) to get attention.  I had to tell him last night to stay at least 4 feet away from everyone or he was going to be grounded.  L continues to be the cutest 4 year old in the world (just a little bias).

I talked to the boys individually today, at the suggestion of my therapist, about what they thought about this first year with the girls (it's been a year yesterday).  D declared that it's been terrible and it would be much better if I got them to stop bothering him.  He did admit that having M around was fun, but that she mostly wanted to be with A (an astute observation).  He was playing wii at the time so I didn't have his full attention, but he response pretty much reflected his behavior.  A said he felt the year was "medium" and that he thought that it seemed like they'd lived with us forever but he still remembers life without them.  When I asked him if there was anything we could do to make things better he said, "do more herping!" (herping = observing and catching reptiles and amphibians in the wild).  Classic A response.

All in all I have to hope that we're moving in the right direction.  I can only do the best I can each day.  Some days that's going to mean getting lots of housework done and making a great meal, but other days I guess I need to be satisfied with spending quality time with the boys.


  1. Hooray for feeling even a modicum better! :o) Meds are a WONDERFUL thing!

    I was chuckling today as I looked at my clean living room and kitchen and said to Brien, "You can tell I did my chores today because it looks like I've done nothing." Because, of course, the minute I *don't* clean up, it's blatantly obvious.

    I don't know that E will EVER be happy or content. :oS She appears to be an angst riddled teenage girl who added a heaping dose of drama to her already drama-filled life. And then, there's M. She seriously tried to compete? UGH!

    I feel for your family as you are all still in a state of flux and adjustment. The first year is done, though, so here's hoping year two will be filled with far fewer surprises and less drama.

  2. New reader and wanted to send a word of encouragement. I just finished reading all of your posts. You're doing everything you can for each of the 5 kids. Really, I am amazed and impressed with what you are taking on here. It's so healthy that you're seeking therapy for yourself and thinking about getting back to exercise. Coming from a completely different but still difficult situation, I know that it's imperative to take care of yourself at least a little when under so much stress. You'll totally run yourself into the ground if you don't. Remember the little engine, I think I can I think I can! Hang in there.