Friday, April 15, 2011


It started about halfway home from driving the big kids to school today (although if I really think about it I could feel it coming last night and I forced myself to just go to bed).  My stomach began to feel nauseous but not the "I think I'm about to barf" kind of way. More like the "I'm on my way up the first hill on a roller coaster" kind of way.  I started to feel really tired and all I wanted to do is curl up in my bed and hide under the covers.  Deep breathing didn't help.  The now familiar panic and anxiety reared it's ugly head again.  It's not like a full blown anxiety attack.  I don't get the hives like I used to get the first 6-9 months after the accident.  My mind starts racing and my heart rate along with it.  No specific thing sent me down this path, but I think there may have been a few triggers...

1.  M came home yesterday wanting to work on her school project for mother's day.  It involved sending in a picture of her mom to the computer teacher and filling out a sheet with questions like "what was your favorite childhood memory" or "who do you most admire?"  She wanted to fill it out for her mom.  This eventually sent her into a crying fit in which she couldn't be comforted.  It was so sad.  Oh and the picture she picked was one with Jeanne and their dog Ripley.  Talk about a tear jerker.

2.  We started the conversation yesterday with my sisters about clearing out Jeanne and Mike's house.  We have a renter moving in June 23.  We have to clean out the whole house.  My dad is fighting us on using a management company for the lease, a moving company for the packing and moving, etc. and the cost of the storage unit.  We sisters all agree but he's fighting us.  It's all he has left to control.  If he gives the control of the house up, it's like finally admitting they're gone.  Stressful to say the least.

3.  E wants to go to a concert by the female artist with the dollar sign in her name ( I don't want to write it out or google might send one of her skanky fans my way).  The title of the tour is "Get Sleazy."  She doesn't understand why we won't let her go.  The fact that I find her music and personna disgusting isn't going very far.  I'm tired of always being the bad guy.  I know that's what parenting is all about, but the situation with her is so complicated and touchy.

4.  L was up last night until after 10pm because he "did NOT want to sleep in D's room anymore."  He also let me know that he wants E and M to move back wtih their sisters and that he doesn't like to have such a big family.  He likes our family "exacally like it was before with just us boys...oh and you too Mommy!"  It was so sad.  Rationalizing with him about why they are with us doesn't go very far with his 4 year old brain.  He misses his family.  He misses his room.  Hearing him say it out loud makes me miss it too.

5.  This weekend we have 5 soccer games, 1 cheerleading competition and 1 baseball practice.  Just typing that is exhausting.

6.  Sunday night my cousin from NY, his wife, three kids and a random niece are coming down on their way to Williamsburg for spring break.  His wife is actually the step sister of three of my friends (sisters) in my neighborhood...two of them actually live on our street!  They aren't staying with us, but the whole clan plus my family are coming over for dinner.  40 people...

So I'm thinking some of these things may have triggered the panic moment this morning.  Getting some breakfast and taking a shower helped.  Playing with a silly L helped.  But I still have this feeling of being overwhelmed with life.  I can only fill my cup so full of stress, sadness, and grief before it starts to spill over.  This usually manifests itself with these moments of intense anxiety or losing my temper with the kids or K.  It's moments like this that I start to question our decision to take the girls, worry about what we've done to the boys and crash into a terrible feeling of hopelessness.

I also fantasize about running away to a caribbean island, but I don't see that happening any time soon...


  1. Dinner for 40.... Good grief, as if there isn't enough going on that is hard to deal with. Somehow that one thing sent me over the edge just picturing it, so I can barely imagine how you feel. If my good thoughts for your sanity are any help I will send them your way.

  2. Dinner for 40 would send me into a tailspin sans all the other things you have going on. Wow.

    No advice, no words of wisdom, I'm just praying for you. As I've written so very often, grief and loss just plain SUCK.