The Old Man Was Snoring...

Well, thanks to some torrential downpours on Saturday all five soccer games were cancelled this weekend.  I was so relieved.  Now we still had the cheer exhibition on Saturday (M and her team were awesome!!), a trip to the mall and the movies with the four little guys, but I did get the time to get ready for the barbecue on Sunday and it all worked out great.  We all had so much fun and everyone had a lovely evening.  People stayed way too late for a school night, but with an early to bed night tonight I hope they'll all recover.

But just like everything around here, the ride was not as smooth as I would like. Both girls had very difficult weekends emotionally.  For M, I think she's really starting to push her boundaries with me and I had finally had enough.  After a day at her cheer thing and dragging poor L through the mall so she could use a gift card and E get a birthday present for her best friend, I just couldn't take her whining.  It was like dealing with a  3 year old.  My therapist today said she thinks M has a problem "deregulating" and keeping her emotions in check.  I'm not sure exactly what triggered it, but I think my disciplining her started the ball rolling.  I have to start treating her like a regular kid for ALL of the kids sakes, but I'm starting to worry the future with her as puberty sinks in.  Her talking back and eye rolling are maddening.  It seems too early for her to be acting like this.  She can be so difficult and my patience gets tested to the brink. 

Then there's poor E.  On the way home from her best friend's house on Sunday the car in front of them smashed into an 80 year old woman who didn't look and just pulled out in front of them.  They swerved out of the way, E had to call 911, while Kathleen sat with the woman until the ambulance came.  E was visibly shaken at the scene.  Tears in her eyes.  She called me and sounded so little and scared.  Kathleen said she talked about her accident on the way to our house.  My poor E.  She doesn't talk about the accident.  When I think about it (several times a day sometimes) I feel so sick to my stomach.   I can only imagine how she feels.  I wonder sometimes if she'll ever be able to deal with it.  I wonder whether any of us will.

It is all just so exhausting.  I think sometimes about how much we can all really take...how much I can take.  Losing Jeanne and Mike was horrible.  Sometimes, in a weird way though, I wish we could go back to those early days.  While we were all still in such shock, it felt like we were in a bubble with our grief.  I didn't really have to navigate the real world.  My grief was all consuming and the only thing I had left was focused on the boys, the funeral and immediate needs of the girls.  Sometimes I think it's harder to start living again in the real world....back to work and school, the schedules, the emotional fallout, the trauma for the girls, raising all these children whose innocence is forever changed, dealing with our new family, struggling in our marriage as we face new challenges, and handling my sisters and parents.  It's been well over a year now and I still cannot believe it happened and this is our life.  I feel like such a failure most days.

Just typing that sounds like such a broken record.  It's just all so hard.  I wish I had more energy, courage and confidence.  I try so hard every day to find the joy and appreciate what we have. Other people in this world have it so much worse.  At least sometimes it rains when I need it to.  At least sometimes I pull it off and on the surface all looks happy around here.  Heck, when push comes to shove, I still can throw a damn good party.