Friday, April 22, 2011

Hippity Hoppity

Today the little girls, MG and KT came over to color eggs and have some lunch.  Most importantly, they came to spend time with their big sisters.  This little party was supposed to be a replacement for Easter Sunday.  My sister CA made the unilateral decision that they weren't going to be at my parents for Easter.  They own a cabin in West Virginia and decided that is where they were going to spend Easter and spring break.  It's going to be the first time the girls aren't together for a holiday.  It's awful.  Jeanne loved Easter, planning an Easter egg hunt in their back yard every year and inviting everyone for brunch before we had dinner at my folks.  It's always a laid back affair at Grandma and Grandpa's and the kids all enjoy playing colored eggs in the front yard or playing catch with the uncles.  But this year, they'll be no MG and KT.  It's heartbreaking.  E is so upset.

I just don't understand why CA and KM are making a point about not being with us this holiday.  I know that KM is having a really hard time with taking the girls.  She was visibly upset at Christmas and it was obvious she didn't want to be with our family.  Going back over the years, it has been quite clear that they don't like to be at family events.  There definitely is a history of them not feeling totally accepted as a couple.  Jeanne and Mike completely rejected KM being a true member of the family.  CA actually has only openly talked about being gay with my parents and the family since the accident.  She finally told my mom after it was decided she was going to take all four girls. While we all had concerns about how the fact that they are lesbians would effect the girls in their conservative, close-minded community, we felt that it was more important that they stay together.  K and I have always been nothing but supportive including attending their wedding, always having our children refer to KM as "aunt" and hosting birthday parties for both.

I'm assuming that this feeling of not being part of the family is at the core of this, but now that they are totally out and have been given the ultimate sign of acceptance by having them be guardians to the girls, it just doesn't make sense.  I get that they are trying to establish new traditions as a family and asserting themselves as an autonomous unit.  I totally get that.  What I don't understand is why they don't want to be with us.  They always complain about coming to family events.  Seriously, we are not a bad family.  We are fun and enjoy being together.  And in this case, the most important thing should be the kids.  Why would it ever be in the best interest of the girls to not be with their family and, moreover not be together, especially this early in the game?

Of course, when I tried to talk to CA about this, she got defensive and went back to her normal lying ways.  She claims she already told E (lie).  She said that changing things up on MG would be disastrous (again lie).  I asked if they could go to the cabin on Sunday night or Monday morning and again she said that just wouldn't work.  They are making some sort of statement, about what I just don't know  The hard thing is that she made this decision without even talking to me about it.  I actually innocently sent her a text asking how she wanted to handle Sunday to see if we could get the girls some more time together when she dropped the bomb. 

As usual, I got to be the one to tell E and M the bad news and deal with the aftermath.  I tried to make it into something positive and asked CA if they could at least come to our house before they left for the cabin and spend time together.  I whipped together a little party, egg hunt, boiled eggs, and make lunch for everyone.  Did I feel like doing this?  No.  Did I really have time to do this?  No.  But it was what was best for the girls.  CA and KM just haven't gotten there yet as parents and in some ways are using the girls as pawns to make a point.  I wish they would embrace this holiday and start fresh leaving the baggage of the past and starting new relationships from a point of honesty and love.

I'm really going to miss seeing MG and KT on Easter Sunday.  I hope this isn't a growing trend and that slowly but surely CA won't remove the girls from our lives.  I don't want E and M to only see KT and MG as cousins.  They are sisters.  They are their own family and we are ALL the guardians of that family.  I think in the future I have to work harder to protect their little family and make sure they stay close.  Great, another thing to worry about.


  1. :o(

    I can only imagine how difficult it must be to be a lesbian couple in a conservative area. However, you and your family have embraced and accepted KM, so I'm uncertain as to where this bad feeling comes from. Is it a fear that Jeanne and Mike passed on their condemnation to E and M and that they will reject them and their relationship as their parents did? I don't know. :oS

    I'm very concerned for these little girls (for even E as a teenager is still a little girl in this situation) and the upheaval they have already had in their lives. The preservation of some traditions wouldn't hurt anyone and would surely be a good thing for them.

    This just makes me sad for them. :o(

    My prayers for you all as you approach this new milestone.

    Hugs to you.

  2. I really don't know what is going on with CA and KM. I know they are struggling as a couple with taking the girls. CA has at least been open about that. Actually, Jeanne and Mike didn't accept CA being gay, but got to the point that KM was always accepted in their home and included in family events at their house. The kids certainly have never called KM aunt like our kids, but over the years they were at least civil and welcoming. I think CA given her situation has always felt on the outside and just can't let go of it. The sessions with Dr. L revealed a lot of that. I also think she must feel just as judged as we do but even more so since they weren't already parents (the only difference being they don't have E the "golden child")

    My dad has especially tried to make this easier for them (using the trust to buy them a mini-van, redoing their floors, building a patio and other home improvements, and giving CA $10K because she wasn't emotionally able to go back to work last year but she stayed with the girls). He's also tried to help KM get a better job.

    Talking with C today we think we need to be more direct with CA and try to get her to see our perspective. She needs to try to break her cycle of pulling away from us and the lying. I can honestly say that I've tried to keep her in our lives. At some point she has to take responsibility of her estrangement and put the girls first. The girls lost their parents, they can't lose each other. This whole situation with Easter has seriously made me consider how we might take all four girls. It is just so sad. All of us together as a larger family can be a consistent in all of their lives (and all the kids) that they can depend on. I just can't help worrying about them. This is definitely not what Jeanne and Mike would want.

    Also, Rach, enjoy this weekend! Welcome to the Church. I hope it is a blessed and wonderful time for you! :)

  3. Thank you so much, Peg!

    I hope you all have a happy Easter as well!

    Your situation with CA and KM just has me shaking my head. I so wish there were something I could do to help, some ideas I could give. :sigh:

  4. Egads, families can be so weird sometimes. There are moments in mine where I just want to throw up my hands and ask everyone to simply act like adults. I think if it were me I would try to just be persistent with creating opportunities for the sisters to all get together, regardless of how many opportunities to do so are rejected by your sister. I bet they will come around. They are probably just overwhelmed. I can't imagine being thrown into parenthood in that manner. What a shock!

    Hope you enjoyed your Easter despite the wrinkle in the plan.