A Letter

Dear Zhea-
I talk to you in my head all the time so I thought putting it down in words might help...

I miss you so much.  I catch myself sometimes wanting to call you to tell you something going on with the kids, especially on the way to work, our normal chat time.  I try to remember your voice and your laugh.  You had a great laugh.  I think a lot about that day at the beach the last time we were in the Outer Banks and you walked us to the car, doing dance moves on the porch.  I try not to think about you the last moments of your life.  Whether you were scared.  Whether you knew what was happening.  Whether you were in pain.  Whether you knew the girls were going to be okay.  I don't like to think about you scared or hurting. 

The girls are doing fine.  Fine, but they need you so much.  E and M need their mommy and daddy.  I don't like to think about how much of you the little girls are missing.  None of us feel like they should be with CA.  We know you wouldn't want it, but there was no other choice.  K and I just couldn't do it, at least not then.  My heart is still open to maybe one day.  It's awful to have the girls apart, but they are just so needy.  I can only focus on E and M and the boys.  I'm doing my best and I hope you know that and it's enough.

M started cheer leading this year, just like you.  She's still playing soccer and is going to swim this summer for our swim team.  She's really struggling in school but we're getting her tested and hope it will give us an  idea how we can help her.  She's still such a funny, sweet kid, but she feels anxious a lot and very emotional.  She's really having a hard time with E. 

E is doing great in so many ways.  She's doing amazing in school.  She made junior nationals in swimming and did awesome.  She was the MVP of the swim team as a freshman.  Most importantly, she's made some great friends and seems to socially be doing really well.  She has really struggled feeling part of our family.  E has a hard time having fun with us, like it's a betrayal of you guys and your family.  I'm doing better not letting it hurt my feelings but at times it's still hard when she says such hurtful things.  She's become very manipulative trying to play all of us aunts against each other and trying to keep M from settling into our family.  I'm hoping with time she'll accept us or at least stop fighting it so much.   She deserves to be happy.  We all deserve to be happy.

You'd be really proud of the boys.  They are growing up so fast and this past year has added a level of maturity that surprises me, especially A.  They have worked so hard to accept the girls in our lives.  D and L still have the most issues.  It's hard sometimes to see how hard this has been for them and know that in some ways I did this to them.  I hope that in the long run they know that we did this out of a place of love and they learn from it.  Again, I'm hoping with time we'll be okay.

I still sometimes feel angry at you and Mike.  I know it sounds awful, but I feel like I'm living with some of your bad decisions.  No will.  No life insurance.  No college funds for the girls.  Living beyond your means.  Instilling in the girls judgemental and prejudice opinions.  Placing too much pressure on them to achieve in sports and school.  Focusing too much on E and not M.  Leaving them.  Leaving us.  Some of the anger is irrational, but it's there.

I don't want to be mad at you.  I never have.  In life, it was somehow easier to ignore these annoyances.  Mostly, I feel so sorry for you.  You were just getting in your stride with the 4 kids.  Since the little ones were born you didn't seem happy, but in the last months you seem more relaxed.  I feel so bad that your life was cut so short.  Seeing the girls grow up, graduate, get married, have their own babies.  Growing old with Mike.  I am so sorry.

So, we're all doing okay.  We're doing the best we can.  I think everyone is still in shock and are waiting for you to walk back in our lives.  I had a dream last week that I found you in a room at the beach house and you we're sleeping.  I shook you awake and held you in my arms.  It felt so awesome.  I could feel your hug, smell your scent and hear your voice.  And then I woke up.  You were gone.  Our nightmare was still real.

I hope you're okay and looking out for us.  I hope your proud of me and K.  We love the girls and are trying to make them feel that love and know they are safe.

I miss you Zhea.  I love you.

Your little sister,
Peg