Friday, March 4, 2011

In Tune

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

--After the Storm, Mumford and Sons

For weeks after the accident I couldn't listen to music.  (I also had a hard time reading, but that's another post).  I'm a huge music fan.  I have pretty eclectic tastes.  My ipod on shuffle could bring you Johnny Clegg, James Blunt, Dixie Chicks, Billy Bragg, the Saw Doctors or the occasional Nelly or Michael Franti.  I'm not sure I could even name a favorite artist.  Each one, each song speaks to me in a different way, a different emotion or memory.  Music helps me navigate my life, a lyric and melody at a time.  I hope to install this love in my kids.  (D is a huge Franz Ferdinand fan!)

But after the accident I couldn't listen to music.  Rides in the car became silent affairs.  When I finally agreed to turn on the radio for the kids, I purposely put it on the latest pop station where it was unlikely a favorite tune would come on.  I'm not sure why this happened.

Slowly but surely I found music again in my lilfe.  Starting with Johnny Clegg  and then slowly but surely my heart could handle Peter Gabriel with the occassional Saw Doctors.  At times tears would blessedly come, allowing me to release my bottled up grief.  I found comfort again in music and these artists in particular have messages of hope but still with a tinge of sadness that I needed.  I wasn't ready for a dance party, just the need to have another's words pour over me and for a moment feel connected to something besides the accident.  More than that, songs can help me uncover the parts of myself that get buried beneath the anxiety, stress, and sadness.

A new band I discovered was Mumford and Sons.  Musically, they totally rock as their harmonies soar and accoustic instruments intrically blend.  But it's their lyrics that always hit home.  There is bitterness, sadness, grief all there.  Emotions I can totally relate to.  But at the heart of their songs is always a sense of hope, redemption, love.  After the Storm is one of those songs.  Just like in the song I hope for a time when I'm not still stuck in the storm that was the accident and our difficult life, but continue to look over the hill at the next part of our lives.  Our lives with the boys, the girls, with all of us together as a whole family.

I'm not completely there yet.  Today for the first time when this song came on my ipod I felt feelings I haven't felt in a while.  Hope and excitement for the future. Music totally rocks.

1 comment:

  1. This post I relate to, 100%. How sad/sweet is it that my 3 year old knows what songs trigger mommys tears and she asks if Grandpa played those on the guitar or reassures me not to cry again?

    Music is a powerful thing.