I increasingly feel more and more alone. Shocking, considering I live in a house chock full of people.
But I feel completely by myself in this struggle. Alone in my grief. Alone in my stress. I more and more realize that I'm the only one that can deal with the stress of our lives. K has just checked out. I'm tired of expecting him to be more than he really is. He's giving what he can give. He coaches the boys sports, goes to work, will go to the store when I ask. He bring E to school 3 days a week. But he's really not "engaged" with the family right now. It's anoying. It's understandable. It's isolating.
When it comes down to it, I'm in charge around here. I can only get so much help. My sisters just can't help me right now. Any help they do give us with the girls is tainted with guilt, judgement, pain. Don't even get me started with my parents.
I want my sister back. I want my life back. I'm tired of feeling so helpless, overwhelmed and alone. For all of our sakes, I need to snap out of it. I just don't know if I have it in me right now.
Sorry for the depressing post, but it's what going on with me right now and it feels good to vent. Maybe sending it out into the blogging universe makes me feel a little less alone.