E, M, Jeanne and KT the Easter before the accident.
Recognize. Restart. Refresh.
I have been on edge the last two days. Grumpy mommy doesn't even touch it. I actually thought it might be PMS (way early). Irrational. Prickly. Angry. Seeing only the bad. Craving my bed, bad t.v. and my book to escape the feeling of tension seeping out my pores. Unfortunately D has taken much of the brunt with his talking back and not following directions.
I haven't been able to put my finger on it, until this evening as I put out the Easter baskets for the kids. It's a holiday. Another family event without Jeanne and Mike. Another holiday where the girls celebrate apart, then together, then apart again. Jeanne loved Easter. Although, we never went (K's family stuff), she hosted a brunch and Easter egg hunt for the rest of the family. The girls always had the best outfits and she took tons of pictures around their great back yard.
When I think of Easter, I think of Jeanne. I miss her so much.
I'm thinking about apologizing to each of the kids for my behavior the last two days. I want to explain to them in a way they can understand about how much I miss their mom and Aunt Jeanne. How sometimes I'm sad and it makes it hard for me to be patient. It's not an excuse for my behavior, but I don't want them to think that this is who I am or who want to be.
Tomorrow is a day about new beginnings. It's also another holiday under our belt in our new normal. I'm going to try to have a good night's sleep and start with a clean slate tomorrow. Feed off of the excitement and joy of the kids. It's supposed to be a nice day and maybe the sunshine will help brighten my mood.
I wish everyone a happy Easter. If you don't celebrate it, I hope you at least have a happy spring day tomorrow.
Here's to a fresh start.
Remember to breath. Take it minute by minute. You will get through it.
ReplyDeleteI'm a big fan of apologizing to kids. I'm emotional and I never want my kids to think that my emotion is because of them. If I yell or cry or retreat, it's never because of them. It's because I choose not to control my actions although there may be reason for that.
ReplyDeleteHi Peg, I hope you were able to enjoy Easter. Easter was always my sisters holiday too so I acutely feel her absence and at times that affects my mood. It's good that you recognize it and I think apologizing to your kids and explaining what's going on is a great idea. They all certainly miss how Easter used to be as well. Hopefully this year you all made some good memories and next year you'll make more and eventually it won't be so painful. Sometimes you gotta fake it till you make it, you know?
ReplyDeleteI will apologize to the girls when I've been particularly prickly (read: bitchy) because they need to know I'm human and I make mistakes, and that it's not them. Grown-ups are allowed to make bad choices too, you know. :oP
ReplyDeleteI understand the pain and the anger and the sorrow. Holidays suck when you've lost someone. Plain and simple.
I hope your Easter was special in its own way and that you and your family enjoyed it and made new traditions of your own.
Hang in there and I second everyone--remember to breathe.
Hugs.
I always apologize to my kids when I think I've been irrational or emotionally unfair with them. I want them to be able to do the same with me (and others), and I can't expect that if I don't model it myself. Plus it makes you feel like the grown up again.
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