But you can
Walk away, all alone
Spend all your time
Thinking about the way things used to be
If love feels right
You work it out
You don't give it up
- Bridges, Tracy Chapman
The past few days have reminded me over and over again why I blog. First, I needed to get out all of the emotion, frustration and pain from the conversation with CA and the overall situation. Writing it down forced me be a little more objective and admit my role in the situation.
Then the comments started coming in. Support, advice, understanding, and insight. Boy, do I love you guys.
Add an hour of therapy on Monday with Harriet that reinforced many of the comments left, and I'm feeling a bit better. I think just like I'm working on talking more about Jeanne and the accident in therapy to diminish the impact of the trauma, I think CA and I getting some of this out is in some way positive. I'm a pretty direct, and honest person and holding some of my issues with her wasn't helping anyone. I could have done it in a better way, but I'm done beating myself up over it. Thank for helping me get there.
I love my sister. I don't understand her, but I don't want her to feel any worse than she already does about everything. If E and M weren't living with me, I think it would be a lot easier for me to take CA and her parenting. Maybe I can try to understand her a bit more and in turn she'll see how her decisions with the little girls often have a detrimental impact on my family. The little girls are loved and that is going to have to be enough.
I am constantly being reminded that nothing about this situation is conventional. There are no simple answers.
I think it still all comes down to acceptance. It may sound strange, but I still can't believe Jeanne and Mike are gone and their four children are separated and two of them are living with us. Two years out and it still feels like a dream. How can this have happened to my family? I'm not sure when the switch of acceptance turns on in someone. Will I know when it has happened? Intellectually, I know the accident happened, but emotionally I stand disbelief. Maybe it will be when the feelings of guilt, sadness, shock, anger and grief are no longer tangled together inside me, but distinct entities that I recognize and embrace as part of the new Peg.
I need to stop being stuck in remembering how things used to be and working towards being comfortable with the way things are and how wonderful they still can be.