Thursday, April 26, 2012

My Shadow

I have a shadow who follows me around everywhere rain or shine, night or day.  His favorite move is to hide behind me with one arm wrapped around my leg at crotch level (lovely).  If I have to bring someone to practice, rather than stay home with E, he always chooses to come with me.  I have to sit next to him at the dinner table.  If we have guests, God forbid they sit in my seat accidentally.  At some point in the night he comes into our bed.  His little body pressed up against mine looking for reassurance that I'm still there and some nocturnal cozy time.

I love him dearly.  I understand why he's doing this.  At times, though, it is soooo annoying.  I know there will be a day not too far in the future that I'll remember these times longingly wishing my dependent little boy was back by my side.  The physical hanging on is getting really old.  My patience is not on the thick side these days and there are times when I need him to give me a break.  The kicking in my back at night or cheek-to-cheek sleeping is not cute, or endearing, or in any way comfortable.

This morning at pre-school drop-off he all of the sudden refused to go in the classroom and starting throwing a fit.  I eventually got him in and sitting down at circle time, but when I got up to leave he started sobbing in his hands miserably. Talk about heart string pulls.  I'm sure he pulled himself together within a few minutes.  They were talking about pond life and frogs and turtles which is something he can talk about for hours.  I just wish the separation from me wasn't still so hard on him (and me).


  1. Lily was SO attached to me (still is, but in a different, less clingy sort of way) for so long after Hannah died. I had forgotten how scared she was to let us out of her sight until just the other day. She too would cling to me like a sock to pantyhose, wrapped around me so I could barely move.

    Although I understood what drove her, it still irritated the ever living daylights out of me once she got to be four and five (and even some days still). She has this need to touch and waller and it drives me batty because I *crave* my personal space.

    I too try to remember this is just a fleeting moment and I'll desperately wish she were clinging to me once more. I remind myself I would give anything to have Hannah clinging to me still and I should be grateful, but somehow, I'm human and my need to NOT be touched at that moment is greater than those reminders. I think it's what makes us human.

    Hang in there. If he follows Bitty's example, he'll wean himself off you by slow degrees and you'll find yourself physically attached to him less and less.

  2. Isn't that the craziest feeling, to know that the thing that's driving you crazy now you will miss later? Quinn is my shadow. He likes to be pressed up against my side or flopped across my lap and he makes me nuts, but whenever I can afford to just stop what I'm doing and look into that little face I just feel so in love it's almost embarrassing.

    But when Ian was deployed and I never got a break it was much less adorable. Now when I'm at work I miss my little guy and I take the snuggles when I can get them when I'm home.

  3. I've been thinking about this. Between this and asking about heaven, I wonder if he is now old enough to start processing all that has happened. Although he lived through it a couple years ago, he wasn't necessarily old enough to process then. Does he do any pretend play with little people, action figures, etc ? I wonder if it might be helpful during your 1:1 time with him (either at home or at a sibling's practice/game time) if you could show him how to role play the figures as your family. It will help him process and give you a clue as to what's going on in his little head !