Grief tends to just sneak up on me. Most of the time I just have time to worry about the kids, our craziness, work, etc. I try not to think about Jeanne and Mike, the accident, the permanence of our loss.
C and I were just IM'ing about Jeanne. We've both been having dreams about her. I miss her so much. M needs her mommy right now. It's just not fair. For any of us. I tend to just focus on the girls' loss and how much has changed for them, but it's changed for all of us. I lost my sister and brother-in-law too.
I'm sitting here at work, holding back the tears. Taking deep breaths trying to control my emotions. Sometimes I can just talk about it in calm, matter-of-fact ways. But today, I feel this wave of sadness flowing over me. I just want to stop being so sad. The stages of grief mantra just doesn't fly with me. I vary from day to day with anger, sadness, disbelief that the accident really happened.
I woke up this morning completely confused and not wanting to wake up and accept that they are dead and that M and E live with us now.
Grief sneaks up on me sometimes. It's always there, a current of sadness flowing through me, but sometimes the intensity is just too much. I need a good cry. The office isn't exactly conducive to that, so writing it all out has helped.
It all just still sucks.