Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Grief tends to just sneak up on me.  Most of the time I just have time to worry about the kids, our craziness, work, etc.  I try not to think about Jeanne and Mike, the accident, the permanence of our loss.

C and I were just IM'ing about Jeanne.  We've both been having dreams about her.  I miss her so much.  M needs her mommy right now.  It's just not fair.  For any of us.  I tend to just focus on the girls' loss and how much has changed for them, but it's changed for all of us.  I lost my sister and brother-in-law too.

I'm sitting here at work, holding back the tears.  Taking deep breaths trying to control my emotions.  Sometimes I can just talk about it in calm, matter-of-fact ways.  But today, I feel this wave of sadness flowing over me.  I just want to stop being so sad.  The stages of grief mantra just doesn't fly with me.  I vary from day to day with anger, sadness, disbelief that the accident really happened.

I woke up this morning completely confused and not wanting to wake up and accept that they are dead and that M and E live with us now.

Grief sneaks up on me sometimes.  It's always there, a current of sadness flowing through me, but sometimes the intensity is just too much.  I need a good cry.  The office isn't exactly conducive to that, so writing it all out has helped.

It all just still sucks.

1 comment:

  1. Peg, I completely understand - grief does sneak up on us. On moments you least expect it.
    ( started at the beginning, just stumbled across your blog today.)

    I lost my Dad 2 years ago and still have MANY moments of grief, tears, breaking down. It is such a long process.

    I dont know what commenting will do, since you know all this and thispostis soold but I love how honest you are about your life and situation.