Mess

Good things about the holidays:
1.  The kids had fun and we managed to get in all of the decorating, gingerbread house making, and tradition making things that make the holiday special in our house.  My boys especially are creatures of habit and like to celebrate the same way and re-tell stories from years' past.
2.  Everyone liked their loot for the most part and I was able to get things purchased and wrapped and under the tree by Christmas morning. Highlights included a Nook for D, DS 3DSXL's for A and L (huge sale on Thanksgiving night), the right clothes for E, and boots for M that she's been pining over.  The gifts shared between the kids were also cute, particularly the Boomslang hotsauce purchased for E by A and M (she's obsessed with hot sauce and puts it on everything).
3.  I pulled off another Christmas eve dinner for my side of the family and it was a nice evening.
4.  Winter break has been a nice respite for everyone.  Lots of movies, games, legos and Just Dance 2014 which has translated in fun all around.
5.  CA let me have the little girls for a weekend.  7 kids was quite the handfull, but we made it work and everyone had fun.  I'm hoping she'll allow more of this.

The bad:
1.  K came home from the stupid trip and acted like nothing happened.  He actually expected me to welcome him with open arms.  Even the kids have kept him at a distance.  His reaction has been typical and grossly immature.  He blames me and had a lovely tirade on New Year's Eve which included him telling me how awful and selfish I am...all in front of the kids.  I don't even know where to go with this.  He's been sleeping in the basement and ignoring all of us since Tuesday.  I'm just too tired and busy to know how to address this.  Frankly, I'm too hurt too.  Sigh.
2. The daughter of my neighborhood friend has continued to worsen without any explanation still.  It's heartbreaking.
3. Everyone in the house except me and E have been sick all week.  I was in urgent care with A yesterday morning thinking it was strep.  Hacking cough, fevers and sore throats all around with varying degress of severity. I'm hoping the last of the fevers were last night with A and L.  I felt good enough about their overall health to sneak out today to the office for a few hours.  A little change of scenary didn't hurt either.
4.  Holidays with the girls still stink.  They struggle to settle into our family routines and lash out at me in particular when they are hurting.  The boys also deesrve to have a regular Christmas and not be dragged into their grief and have their Christmas spirit held hostage by it.  My family also struggles to respect boundaries during this time.  My dad was realy bad with E this year, guilting her into visiting the cemetery on Christmas day when she had pretty much decided just to come to the inlaw's with us.  Then there was little sister S buying M about $400 worth of presents  (each of the cousins does a secret santa) including another new pair of boots.  My heart sunk as she opened up present after present which outdid what Santa provided in our house (seriously, what 13 year old needs 2 $30 jcrew tshirts???).  Throwing money at their guilt doesn't help anything, definitely not M.

I've wanted (needed) to write this out for a few days, but things with K especially have left me raw.  Building lego sets and paper airplanes with L has taken priority.  I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and I certainly look forward to starting a new year.  The current mess that is my life needs a fresh start.

Lost

Feeling lost today.

K left last night on a 4 day bachelor party for a friend that I can't stand (next door neighbor growing up who is 6 years younger and a jerk).

I thought he was leaving on Friday and back Sunday.  He let me know via email yesterday at noon that he was leaving directly after work in order to make it easier on the groom since EVERYONE was going on that flight.

Seems I was also the only one who didn't know it was a cruise to the Bahamas.

My first reaction...anger.  Second reaction...I hope he brought his medicine.  Did he remember block?

He just called and I couldn't even properly articulate how pissed and hurt I am.  I am at work so I can't really cry and scream like I want to.  At least it's behavior I'm used to.  Whenever he knows what he is doing is wrong and selfish, silence is usually his tactic.  Better than having to NOT do what he really wants.  Heck, I want to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, but I could never do that in a million years.

In his heart, I know he is a good man.  He is just sometimes so selfish and never seems to put me first.  He knows I always will get things done and eventually my anger will subside.  I hate being mad at him.  In so many ways, he is just like his dad.  Doing his own thing and always assuming all the fires at the homefront are covered.

Throw into the mix holiday blues with the girls, continued scariness with our neighborhood friend's daughter, stress about getting everything done for Christmas (no shopping done for cousins AT ALL), and K's timing is perfect.

I don't have therapy till Monday and I've found my usual in person outlets absent.  I just needed to get this out and guess what internet friends?  You get my pitiful venting.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I just feel so alone.

Snow Day

Snow is falling.

Laughter can be heard from outside as all five of the kids run around the house chasing each other with snowballs.

Day two of no school meant day two of pancakes made from scratch.

[brief pause as I step away from the computer and this cheerful post to help whoever just came in]

That was D crying because his big brother smashed snow in his face and mulch down his back.

I yelled at A to stop playing and sit on the bench on the front porch in time out like he is 3, sent D up for a shower and insisted to L that he put his hat back on.

Meanwhile, K is outside with all of them ignoring all the fighting because it's easier.

This is the story of our life.  Brief periods of peace followed by chaos.  One parent prefers to stay on the sidelines and not have to be the bad guy.  One parent shoulders it all, while I might add, trying to get some actual work done since the federal government closing doesn't mean I don't have to work a  normal day.

I bet you can also guess who was the one that got all the snow stuff out, doled out boots, hats, gloves and snow pants that fit, and zipped up zippers and tightened boots.

Gotta love a snow day.

Of Sorts

Sorry about the long pause.  I've been out of sorts, as have many around these parts.

The current king of "out of sortness" is A.  He's been battling what the doctors think is a virus for about 10 days now which initially manifested itself as hives all over his legs and arms.  Then they spread to his torso.  Benedryll helped a bit.  We went to the doctor and because he had a slight cough they gave him a z-pac.  They also tested for mono and strep which both came back negative.  That night after the first two antibiotics, the hives spread all over his body and his hands swelled.  Benedryll didn't help at all. He was miserable and didn't sleep a wink.  We went back in the next day and they decided to stop the z-pac and start him on pregnisone.  This made the hives stop almost completely and he seemed a bit better.  Then this past Saturday he started feeling worse and was complaining of body aches, nausea and fatigue.  This morning I couldn't get him out of bed.  Back to the doctor this morning, a flu and another strep test, and the further frustration of not knowing what's going on.  He slept all day and I at least got him to eat some soup and drink water.  He's currently rolling around on the couch after doing some homework and studying for the geography bee he's supposed to be participating in tomorrow (against his younger brother--hilarious).  I hope he feels up to going to school in the morning.  I'm hoping a good night's sleep will do the trick.  Crossing my fingers.

I have been really out of sorts since Jeanne's birthday and it carried over into my birthday when I passed her in years on earth.  That's just all sorts of wrong.  I spent the weekend with M at a soccer tournament.  I just wanted to be home with my boys.

My out of sorts has led to K being particularly out of sorts.  We're in a funk and are both too tired and stressed to even try to bust out of it.

E committed to William and Mary last week which has been all kinds of awesome.  How she let us know, and how the other members of our family dealt with the news has been all sorts of annoying.  Yet again, something that should be a happy moment for our little (okay not so little) family gets tainted by everyone trying to "own" E and cross the line.  In the long run, we're just happy to get to share our alma mater with her and watch her grow in such a cool place.

M...sweet lordie M...has been all kinds of difficult.  I am dreading high school.  Heck, I'm dreading this week.

D has been on another one of his eating strikes.  I try not to fight him on it, but it's so frustrating.  He's playing travel basketball now and I worry about him having enough energy.

L is our funny little guy.  He's started texting his cousin W on my phone and the conversations are priceless.  They love each other very much which warms my heart.

Work is...well work.  If I could change one thing in my life, it would be taking a sabbatical from work, but that's not feasible financially, so I continue to try to balance it all and feeling pretty useless on all fronts.

I need to snap out of it.  I don't want to repeat the Christmas Funk of 2012.

Fa, la, freaking la.

Profound

Profound.  (adjective) having or showing great knowledge or understanding; difficult to understand requiring deep thought or wisdom; very strongly felt.

The past week has been an onslaught of profundity. I felt feelings so strong that my body has been wracked with sobs.  I have felt feelings of such love my body has felt flush with warmth.  I've been intellectually pushed trying to tackle a tough problem at work.  I've once again been faced with questions of why and struggled with ways to take pain away from those I love.

This has left me tired.  My brain is sludgy.  The world seems a bit fuzzy and my bed sounds lovely (ironically this is kinda how the meds made me feel).  Given this state, this post is going to have to be a list of randoms who have really nothing in common other that the intensity of the emotions they aroused.

1.  Jeanne's birthday this year was really hard.  I was on the verge of crying pretty much constantly the day before, the actual day and the day after.   The four years since her death are for some reason becoming very real.  Next week I'll be older than she was when she died.  Sigh.

2.  The girls had a rough week too.  Poor M finally broke down Wednesday night and cried for about 45 minutes.  It upset the entire family.  My sweet boys and her loving uncle finally pulled her out of it.  E couldn't handle it and proceeded to complain about not having socks and the low sodium ham I bought.  Her modus operandi tends to be complaining about laundry, food and mysterious ailments when she can't deal with the heavy emotions coming her way.  At least she's consistent.

3. I worked for four straight days (Frid to Mon) all day and till very late at night trying to get a deliverable done.  It was really hard work and the response from my boss was less than enthusiastic and we've yet to hear from the client.  At least I was working with C on this and I hunkered down on my bed for a change of scenary (and I can close the door).  K and A were at a soccer tourney down in Richmond (yay!  they won!) so at least I didn't have that distraction.

4.  Our 18th anniversary was Monday.  See item #3 and you'll understand how our day went.  The kids were off from school so he schlepped the boys around to get haircuts, mowed the lawn and brought home pizza for dinner.  It sucked.  But at the end of the day, this funny, kind and smart guy is still around and we love each other very much.  We may not always be able to show each other given the craziness of our life, but I know he will always be there.

5. Tuesday brought parent teacher conferences for the little (or not so little) kids.  All four got great report cards for them.  M is holding her own somehow and the consistent message I got from her teachers is that she is trying and engaged in the classroom.  She tests terribly, but our hope for her to get an education and the grades in the end don't really matter.  The tough conference for some reason was little L's.  He's doing great in school, but she commented that he seems tired and gets weepy sometimes when things seem hard.  She also said we need to read with him more at home.  So first my mommy guilt went into overdrive because I don't read to and with him as much as I should.  Then I looked at her and explained that he doesn't always get the best sleep.  He's in our bed most nights around three.  On Sunday night he couldn't get to sleep because he doesn't want to go to heaven.  She looked at me blankly.  I thought most teachers at the small school we go to knew our whole story.  I tried to explain that he still has a lot of anxiety and that the changes in our house still make it hard for him.  "Oh, the girls live with you all the time? I thought you shared them or something."  Good lord. She quickly said something about him telling the whole class about the balloons and we moved on.  It reminded me that while we still live with tragedy everyday, other people just see us as a normal family. This is strangely good and bad.

6.  A little girl in our neighborhood was just diagnosed with a brain tumor.  I'm friends with her mom and it is rocking out little neighborhood.  Surgery was this morning and it went well.  We're waiting to hear the results.  So sad.  So very very sad.

So instead of working for my annoying client I'm sitting her writing a blog post.  I wish I had some profound insight into the above list.  A nugget of wisdom like those pictures one sees tagged on facebook or pinterest.  I got nothing.

47

Today she would have been 47.

My big sister.

We are four years apart, so when I graduated from 8th grade, she graduated from high school.  When I graduated from high school, she graduated from college.

We share November for our birthdays.

We share November for our anniversaries.  The same weekend 3 years apart at the same hotel.  We shared the same wedding dress.

We are now share the raising of these two great kids.

I want to pick up the phone and wish her a happy birthday.  I want to give her a hug.

I just want my sister back.

Happy Birthday Zhea.  Love you, love you, love you.

At Home

I left alone, I left the world I was running,
To be by your side I was dying,
alone by your side I was flying.
I came alone, I've come a long way to get here,
The leaves they fall to my feet, at home,
They mean nothing to me

"At Home," Crystal Fighters

Dinner was done early tonight.  K is working late so it was just me and the kids.  Everyone was at the table, happily eating and joking with each other.  Things felt right.  So right, I started folding laundry and decided we needed a little impromptu sing along and dance party with the old Ipod.

We started easy with a little "Hey Ho" by the Lumineers.  This was quickly followed by "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt.  The kids all sang at the top of their lungs, inserting silly lines as I danced around the room, smiling and feeling...well, content.

M picked a little ditty by the Waterboys called "The Glastonbury Song" which has become a favorite of hers.  An oldie but goodie for me, but new to her.  She got up, singing and dancing while the boys sang along and clapped their hands.  She was at ease and happy.  The joy on her face and in her movement was precious.  Music can do that to the humans in this house.

Then she caught herself.  Overwhelmed.  She slid out of the room quietly.  That joy is still too much for the girls.  These moments of sinking into our family and feeling at home still feels like a betrayal.  I know not to push it. 

The boys and I are still jamming.  We've learned not to stop our fun all the time to accommodate their grief. 

"All I Want" by Kodaline is on.  "If you loved me, why'd you leave me...All I want is, All I need is to find somebody like you..."

All I want and what I pray for is that those feelings of joy won't feel like betrayal for E and M. That these feelings of of peace and contentment don't still surprise the boys and I when they include the girls.  I guess I just want all of us to feel at home. 

For now Franz Ferdinand "Can't Stop This Feeling" is on and I feel like getting my groove on and rocking out.