At Home

I left alone, I left the world I was running,
To be by your side I was dying,
alone by your side I was flying.
I came alone, I've come a long way to get here,
The leaves they fall to my feet, at home,
They mean nothing to me

"At Home," Crystal Fighters

Dinner was done early tonight.  K is working late so it was just me and the kids.  Everyone was at the table, happily eating and joking with each other.  Things felt right.  So right, I started folding laundry and decided we needed a little impromptu sing along and dance party with the old Ipod.

We started easy with a little "Hey Ho" by the Lumineers.  This was quickly followed by "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt.  The kids all sang at the top of their lungs, inserting silly lines as I danced around the room, smiling and feeling...well, content.

M picked a little ditty by the Waterboys called "The Glastonbury Song" which has become a favorite of hers.  An oldie but goodie for me, but new to her.  She got up, singing and dancing while the boys sang along and clapped their hands.  She was at ease and happy.  The joy on her face and in her movement was precious.  Music can do that to the humans in this house.

Then she caught herself.  Overwhelmed.  She slid out of the room quietly.  That joy is still too much for the girls.  These moments of sinking into our family and feeling at home still feels like a betrayal.  I know not to push it. 

The boys and I are still jamming.  We've learned not to stop our fun all the time to accommodate their grief. 

"All I Want" by Kodaline is on.  "If you loved me, why'd you leave me...All I want is, All I need is to find somebody like you..."

All I want and what I pray for is that those feelings of joy won't feel like betrayal for E and M. That these feelings of of peace and contentment don't still surprise the boys and I when they include the girls.  I guess I just want all of us to feel at home. 

For now Franz Ferdinand "Can't Stop This Feeling" is on and I feel like getting my groove on and rocking out.