Raw

We were talking tonight at dinner about monthly family dinners my sister and I are trying to get going.  M was wondering why we're doing them and I explained that we just want to try to make sure we get together a little more often as a larger family.  E followed up with, "it would be nice to see MG and KT more than once every two months like it's been lately."  Sad, but true.

Then A said, "When are we doing the balloons again?"  A simple observation.  E explained to him that not till October 24th.  He shrugged and said, "Oh yeah. It kinda feels like that time of year though doesn't it?"

Moments later I was driving in the car to elementary back-to-school night for L with my mind starting to follow the familiar road of memories propelled by A's comment. Car crashes. Disbelief.  Pain.

Then I passed the cemetery.

At the same time "Lover's Eyes" by Mumford and Sons came on my Ipod.

But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes

I tried valiantly to hold the tears in, but finally let the floodgates open,   My body shaking and feeling my stomach drop and the physical pain of my loss.  It's still strange the way it hits me sometimes even almost 4 years later.  I pulled myself together by the time I reached the school parking lot, thankfully a few minutes early.  The release of tears breaking the physical manifestation of my raw feelings like a massage releasing a knot in your muscles.

Grief sucks.