Wednesday, October 3, 2012

One Week

So I've been taking the medicine for one week today.  I'm still not sure what I think and, more importantly, how I feel about it.  The side effects have not been great.  My stomach is still a bit queasy and my appetite hasn't returned yet.  Yesterday the constant thirst abated a little.  Strangely, my diet coke craving hasn't been as strong. I'm tired, but in a different way, more sleepy than my normal physical tiredness.  I've had to take a nap 3 out of the last 4 days.  I feel a bit spacey at times and sometimes following a conversation has been difficult.  I had a hard time at therapy Monday trying to express what I'm feeling.

On the positive, I've been falling asleep much easier at night.  I definitely feel mellower.  Subdued is the only word I can muster to match how I feel.  The constant irritability and underlying anger seems gone.  Monday night and last night I did feel the familiar anxiety about something that needs to get done this week, but that kind of stress is an old friend.  I feel more patient.  This weekend with the boys especially we all felt a little lighter.

To be honest, I've feel like crap for so long I'm not sure what good feels like.  My therapist said I should start feeling more like myself again.  I don't who that is anymore. 

I haven't told anyone in my life about this.  My friends Lanette and Elena who encouraged me to take this step know and have been checking in on me.  I haven't told K.  He knew I was going to talk to a doctor about it.  I feel horrible not sharing this major decision with him, but at this point I'm not sure how he'll react and whether or not I can handle it if it's negative.  Why do I have no problem telling anyone that I go to therapy on Mondays, but can't admit that I'm taking an antidepressant.  I even just hesitated as I typed the "a" word instead of using the generic "medicine."

I'm going to stick with it.  If the side effects don't improve, I'll call my doctor and maybe switch to something else.  I know in my mind that this is the right decision for me and my family.  My heart just hasn't caught up yet.


  1. It's a big step, and it's new, and it's uncertain. I think you are brave to try. And if your instinct is to not tell other people yet, there's probably a good reason you're not ready to. Sounds to me like you're being smart about monitoring yourself and being prepared to switch if it doesn't work out. I hope you find the right balance soon.

  2. I'm so glad for you. The lessening of the underlying irritability and anger shows that the "medicine" is working.

    I agree with korinthia. Trust your instincts about not telling certain people, even if it is K.

  3. I respect your decision to protect your heart about this. Ultimately, it's YOUR body and YOUR feelings and YOUR happiness that are on the line, so it's your decision. If you are having problems trusting K with that information, then there is probably a good reason.

    I'm glad that you found the courage to take this important first step. Best of luck moving forward.