A Choice

Someone once told me that marriage is about choice.  Even on the days that you can't stand the sight of your spouse, making the decision to love them and work at it.  Some days that choice is easy.  Some days that choice is hard.

My husband is angry.  I can see it in his behavior the last few weeks.  Hiding away in the basement at night watching sports and just being absent from us.  Speaking to me dismissively or with unwarranted anger.  He wants his family back.  He wants his wife back.  He still wants his freedom to pretty much do what he wants.

I understand that.  I do.  But what I don't understand is why he seems to blame it all on me.  I firmly felt we made this choice to take the girls together with our eyes open.  I hoped that we'd tackle it together.  More and more I realize that he still struggles to accept the girls' permanence in our family and what that means.

We have tons of soccer this weekend.  One tournament in Richmond with D and M is in Maryland.  A also has two makeup games (K is his coach).  For Saturday, the logical decision given the times were that I'd handle the Richmond end and K would do A's game in the morning and M's in the afternoon.  He just called me and said (yelled) that he was going to head down to Richmond after A's morning game in order to see both of D's games.  He repeated that he should be able to go to "his son's" games and M could get a ride.  When I questioned his reasons and pointed out that M should get to have one of us at her games the screaming continued.  I tried to remain calm, pointing out that we need to treat all the kids the same he screamed, "she's my niece and YOUR niece NOT our daughter and she can just get a ride."  Wow.  The conversation escalated to him yelling at me to f-off and that he'd do whatever he wanted.  Again, wow.

I hate arguing with K.  When he is in the wrong or realizes his decision or actions aren't ideal, he gets defensive and will go on the offensive, usually making me feel terrible.  Eventually he realizes he's wrong and either apologizes or tries to make up for it.

I'm at a loss.  I wish I had an equal partner in this struggle.  I need him. All the kids deserve more.  We both deserve more. But again, I think I'm wanting him to be more than he is.  I hope that  one day he'll make the choice to truly bring the girls into his heart, not just our home. 

I'm not holding my breath.  Regardless, looks like I've got to try to find a ride for M to her games.

Sigh.