Bigger

Last night L and I got home about 7:30 after his soccer practice and I was immediately barraged by the 15 year olds.  A's foot is sore with a little bit of tendinitis and he's worried about his run on Saturday (side note: based on when he's running, he can come to balloons!!).  He's buying a tiger salamander and since the last pieces of the habitat he's making arrived yesterday he wanted to know when we could order it.  M on the other hand wanted to give me a detailed explanation of why their biology lab report was going to suck and how it's not her fault and she thinks one of the girls is faking a concussion to get out of doing the work.  She also needed a hug.  And then another.  And then for good measure just hang on me with her head on my shoulder.  L meanwhile needed to get his gear off and was hungry.  Simultaneously E was texting me from school NOT to come to the meet tomorrow because "her body is completely nonfunctional in the water" and I should just come down to bring her to dinner.  This was all after my dad called me on the way home to say, "Take it or leave it, but I think M might be in a funk and I wasn't sure you noticed."  Really grandpa?  You think? Thank goodness D was at soccer practice.


As all their needs were pelting me, I had this sudden feeling that I need to be bigger than myself this week.  An image of myself as Baymax from the movie Big Hero 6 popped into my head.  Blowing myself up to be their cushion and comfort. Expanding myself to be more than I really feel like being this week.


What I'd like to do is stay under the covers all week.  Watch mindless tv.  Listen to songs that trigger some good therapeutic cries. Do lots of nothing.  Sit and be little sister Peg who lost her big sister and wants nothing more than to be able to talk her one more time.  Hear her laugh again. Give her one more hug.


But that Peg can't be in the cards much this week.  The kids need me to be present and let them know everything is ok.  My parents need me to show them we are all alright.  My sisters need me to be the rock.  


So here's a pep talk to big Peg: We'll get through this week. You got this.  You've done it before and you'll do it again.


I believe in this road we’re on, but grace going nearly gone,
Days are quick and these nights getting long
I see you wonder if you will sit alone, my heart’s always with you but I fail with my skin and bones
Great lights in darkness have been shown
I hear you laughing still, oh conquer worlds we will
Warmer waters are waiting near for us, but leave right now my dear we must
For I fear our love grows cold, but if we go we will save our weary souls
Oh cling to me promise you will, as we travel through these valleys and hills
When all is said and done I will seek your name still
For love is no grandstand nor a pocket piece, when my hands are not dirty it shakes me to my knees
And all the world sees, that it’s gone from me
My heart and my soul are home in your eyes, so bring just yourself leave the rest behind
This body of mine oh it would move a mountain for that body of yours shining in the ocean
I hear you laughing still, conquer worlds we will
--Save Our Weary Souls, The J Band