Thursday, August 27, 2015
Song lyrics mean a lot to me. When I was in high school and college I was a big doodler (I still am actually). When I was really bored in class, I would fill notebook pages of song lyric excerpts. Sometimes I'd have a theme. In college, they tended to be romantic in nature and in my heart I was writing these little messages to K. Since the accident, song lyrics have often been the catalyst for a good session of grief tears. Words are important to me. I've always been an avid reader and drawn to those books that have an author who takes care over their words. The kind where I'll re-read a section or paragraph to savor each sentence.
I also like to talk to people. I'm not sure if I'm a total extrovert, because I do need my alone time during the day, but I like to chat with the checkout guys at Target or ask another parent on the sideline how their kids are doing. I like to share my thoughts with good friends and get the good feelings from telling a funny story and getting another person's laughter.
Words. Sharing. Connecting.
I guess that's part of why I've been struggling so much lately. I don't feel like sharing as much. I'm not really talking to the person/people that I really need to be sharing with. Issues with CA, my other sisters, parents and in-laws have stayed bottled up inside. Logistics, benign pleasantries, FB posts, etc. are what I'm mustering. I'm okay mostly when I'm in mom mode. I've been working hard to be normal mom/Aunt Peg for the kids.
Mostly not having the guts to tell K exactly how I'm feeling. Worried how he'll react or what he'll say? Worried how I'll deliver the words? Sometimes just not having the energy to muster up the courage to confess how lost I feel.
This afternoon, I was driving back from dropping A off at school to catch the bus for cross country and one of my favorite Vance Joy songs came on, Best That I Can.
I'm sick of leaving things half done
things half said
I am, I am trying
the best that I can
I am, I am trying
I suddenly thought of myself scribbling these words out in a notebook. As I sang them, I thought of all my responsibilities and how overwhelming it has become knowing all I have to do and can't get done. I'm tired of falling asleep quietly next to someone wanting to talk and connect and instead rolling over and willing sleep to come. Or waking up in the morning with awful feelings of anxiety and instead of telling him how I feel, I silently crawl out of bed and begrudgingly start the day.
My words to my husband that I'm not saying...
I love you.
I need you to be a teammate in all this not just another person I have to manage.
I am drowning in the day to day demands of work and kids.
I need to you to love me and sometimes put me first.
I need romance and need to feel wanted.
I am trying the best that I can.
I am, I am trying.