As you can see by my previous post, M is driving me a bit batty. Challenging is an understatement when it comes to M these days.
I vented to K last night for 20 minutes about how hard she has been. I've been venting nonstop to sister C and a good neighbor friend the last few days. I've been a little overboard on my whining even for me.
This morning after dropping the kids off at school, I talked to C again and almost started crying expressing how bad I feel for the boys having to deal with all the crap that came with the girls. How tired I am after five years of struggling with taking care of the kids and trying to keep my own grief at bay. How it never feels like things are getting better or will ever get better. Not a very productive conversation.
After hanging up, Heavenly Day by Patty Griffin came on my Ipod. The tears came in full force.
Then I remembered.
Friday is five years.
Our balloons to heaven day.
I remembered to be kinder to myself and realize why I'm on edge a little more. Kinder to the kids who have dealt with so much as such a young age (our 3 boys and both girls). More patient with my parents who need us all to be okay so they don't fall apart.
It's all just so very sad. The kind of sad that makes you want to hide under the covers all day. Where songs on my Ipod can pull at my grief bandaid just enough to fill my eyes with tears and expose the still gaping wound. This week always makes it feel so real. Sigh.