As you can see by my previous post, M is driving me a bit batty. Challenging is an understatement when it comes to M these days.
I vented to K last night for 20 minutes about how hard she has been. I've been venting nonstop to sister C and a good neighbor friend the last few days. I've been a little overboard on my whining even for me.
This morning after dropping the kids off at school, I talked to C again and almost started crying expressing how bad I feel for the boys having to deal with all the crap that came with the girls. How tired I am after five years of struggling with taking care of the kids and trying to keep my own grief at bay. How it never feels like things are getting better or will ever get better. Not a very productive conversation.
After hanging up, Heavenly Day by Patty Griffin came on my Ipod. The tears came in full force.
Then I remembered.
Friday is five years.
Our balloons to heaven day.
I remembered to be kinder to myself and realize why I'm on edge a little more. Kinder to the kids who have dealt with so much as such a young age (our 3 boys and both girls). More patient with my parents who need us all to be okay so they don't fall apart.
It's all just so very sad. The kind of sad that makes you want to hide under the covers all day. Where songs on my Ipod can pull at my grief bandaid just enough to fill my eyes with tears and expose the still gaping wound. This week always makes it feel so real. Sigh.
I think you've done amazingly in the past five years. And if you need to vent, I'm glad you have places to vent. Venting means you won't blow! Sorry it's all still so hard. I hope balloon day is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteMy understanding is teenage girls can be real pains in the tukus minus all E and M have had to go through. I can honestly say I'm really not looking forward to the teen years with my two. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteAs for the venting, venting is a good thing, just as Kory said. Blowing would be a bad scene, so letting it out is good.
Oh, it's all so hard and so miserable and I'm so sorry. So very sorry. Hugs.
I'm just a stranger who has been reading your blog for a few years now, marveling at what you have done in taking the girls into your family, marveling at how you carry on through all the challenges. From what I read you are doing a wonderful job in a very difficult and challenging situation. I think you will be able to carry on if you can tell yourself that, if you can believe that in spite of your frustrations, your weariness, the never ending grief, you are doing a great job of mothering those children and keeping the family ship afloat. As I read this post I was imagining your kids as adults looking back on their childhood and marveling over how strong, how loving, how patient you were, how you were there for them. I hope this helps. And I hope balloon day goes well and somehow brings a little comfort into the hardness. Becky
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