No, really. A didn't close the top all the way for his panther gecko (Reggae) the night before last when he was feeding him and he escaped. We've searched everywhere after he discovered Regs was gone after school. I didn't handle the situation very well. Rather than show any sympathy and understand how distraught he was, I laid into him about being irresponsible and that this was all his fault. Yes, it was his mistake, but my major mistake laying into him.
I then stormed downstairs and yelled pretty much about everything.
"D! Finish your homework! Get ready for soccer! Hurry up!"
"L! Stop hanging on me and for heaven's sake stop whining!"
I still wavering about getting meds, even with encouragement from people online, friends at home and my therapist. I ran into a good friend at soccer practice and she took one look at me and begged me to go and urged me to start exercising. She's gone through a bunch herself (terrible divorce after her husband cheated on her with her only sister-in-law when she was 6 months pregnant with their 3rd). Going on some temporary medication really helped her.
I think at the heart of my hesitation is that some pill may make me feel a bit mellower, but the source of my stress, anger, pain, etc. isn't going to go away. My sister is still dead. I miss my old life. The kids still need me. The girls are still a mess. I still feel so alone. Won't the pill just be a band-aid for what's really wrong? In the long run, I need to figure out how to accept the life I have and find the energy/motivation to tackle it with love and joy. I have no idea why, but going on medication only highlights how broken I feel. I have absolutely no qualms with anyone else medicating for mental health issues. Maybe it's pride? Scared about who I'll be on meds? A combination?
The earliest I'll be able to get to the doctor is next week. My therapist agreed that going to my primary care may be the only way I'm going to take the next step. Trying to find someone on my insurance in a timely manner has been a bridge too far.
Anyway, if you are so inclined, please send a few prayers to St. Anthony (patron saint of lost things) that we find Reggae safe and sound. And, if you've got a any left, send a few my way that I'll find the courage to choose the right path, whatever that might be.