Thursday, September 20, 2012

There's a gecko loose in the house...

No, really.  A didn't close the top all the way for his panther gecko (Reggae) the night before last when he was feeding him and he escaped.  We've searched everywhere after he discovered Regs was gone after school.  I didn't handle the situation very well.  Rather than show any sympathy and understand how distraught he was, I laid into him about being irresponsible and that this was all his fault.  Yes, it was his mistake, but my major mistake laying into him.

I then stormed downstairs and yelled pretty much about everything.

"D! Finish your homework!  Get ready for soccer!  Hurry up!"

"L!  Stop hanging on me and for heaven's sake stop whining!"

Medication anyone?

I still wavering about getting meds, even with encouragement from people online, friends at home and my therapist.  I ran into a good friend at soccer practice and she took one look at me and begged me to go and urged me to start exercising.  She's gone through a bunch herself (terrible divorce after her husband cheated on her with her only sister-in-law when she was 6 months pregnant with their 3rd). Going on some temporary medication really helped her.

I think at the heart of my hesitation is that some pill may make me feel a bit mellower, but the source of my stress, anger, pain, etc. isn't going to go away.  My sister is still dead.  I miss my old life.  The kids still need me.  The girls are still a mess.  I still feel so alone.  Won't the pill just be a band-aid for what's really wrong?  In the long run, I need to figure out how to accept the life I have and find the energy/motivation to tackle it with love and joy.  I have no idea why, but going on medication only highlights how broken I feel.  I have absolutely no qualms with anyone else medicating for mental health issues.  Maybe it's pride?  Scared about who I'll be on meds?  A combination?

The earliest I'll be able to get to the doctor is next week.  My therapist agreed that going to my primary care may be the only way I'm going to take the next step.  Trying to find someone on my insurance in a timely manner has been a bridge too far.

Anyway, if you are so inclined, please send a few prayers to St. Anthony (patron saint of lost things) that we find Reggae safe and sound.  And, if you've got a any left, send a few my way that I'll find the courage to choose the right path, whatever that might be.


  1. If it makes you feel any better, chances are I would have laid into Lily had we lost a pet through her carelessness. It's that knee-jerk reaction. I hate it, but there it is. We're only human, cut yourself some slack over that one. I mean, come ON, there's a gecko loose in your house! I would say that is freak-worthy. (Prayers to St. Anthony being said right now, btw.)

    I think meds would take the edge off for you. Sure, you can look at is a band aid that is just masking the problem, OR, you can look at it as a tool to help you better cope with those problems as they arise.

    Sleep, exercise and medicine--I don't think that's a bad combination for helping deal with all the chaos and stress that is happening. Meds aren't a crutch, they are a stabilizer of sorts that will help you deal with all the crap that is going on. No, not the most eloquent way to put it, but you know what I mean, right?

    You are never far from my prayers--your situation is truly difficult and I figure the more prayers the better.

    Keep us posted about Reggae, huh? Good luck with that...:oS

  2. The medication isn't there as a bandaid or make any of the stuff you're dealing with go away (even briefly). It's there to help you be able to deal with it all better - maybe mellow you a bit, maybe help you focus a bit, maybe help you give yourself a little more grace - something to aid in positive coping. It's a tool, and using it with other tools (your therapy, exercise, sleep, etc...) I hope will help you climb out and feel more like yourself.

    Sending those prayers for you!