I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I'm struggling in so many ways, but...
I'm going to attempt to capture some of what is going on here on my blog before I completely lose my writing mojo. All I can muster is a boring list, so here goes...
--For the most part, we had a nice time in Hilton Head. The weather wasn't great, but we had more fun times than bad. Golf, beach, pool and lots of ice cream kept the little kids happy and exhausted most days. Multiple alligator sightings didn't hurt either.
--I drove down by myself with the boys. It took us close to 11 hours, but with three great movies, good tunes and a laid back attitude by all we had lots of fun. K drove the girls down later after their all-star swim meet. It ended up being a great decision. The boys got me all day without drama from the girls and the girls got a little focused time with K.
--Spending a full week with K without the distractions of work and coaching was awesome. He definitely took the pressure off me with the attention seeking from M. They get along really well. He doesn't necessarily "parent" her in terms of discipline, etc., but he relaxes her in a way that I don't and that is worth an awful lot. He also did the brunt of mini-golfing and made breakfast for the kids each morning so I could sleep in a bit.
--L is just the cutest kid ever. I love every age, but five is so much fun. He is getting more and more independent (dressing himself, getting his own ice cream, learning to swim), but is still my tenderhearted little guy. I can't wait to experience kindergarten with this special boy.
--E has been really difficult. We can never do anything right. Teenagers are so hard. Depressed teenagers are astronomically hard. I'm getting conflicting advice from my therapist and her psychiatrist on how to deal with her constant neediness while trying to be there for the other kids. I don't even really know how to articulate the confusing, exhausting, and emotionally draining nature of dealing with her.
--While on vacation, A hurt himself pretty badly skateboarding. He "credit carded" himself which necessitated a trip to the ER and four stitches in a very sensitive place for a boy. He is still bruised, swollen and sore. Everyone is calling him "numb nuts" or "split balls." It pretty much ruined the trip for him and scared me. I was calm and cool during the ordeal, but balled like a baby later that night when I thought about the terrified look on his face. 5 days later I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it.
--The swimming explosion from L was awesome. The resulting ear infection was not, especially since he was up all night the night before I had to drive him home 11 hours on my own. (K did a side trip with the middle 3 on the way home). Antibiotics for 10 days. Yuck.
--My sister-in-law's marriage has completely imploded. The kids are a mess. Neither of them will grow up and put their own issues aside and parent their hurting children. My heart goes out to K's parents who are trying to help as best they can. Both K's sister and her husband have tried to drag me into their drama. K and I are just trying to be there for the kids (especially the youngest R who is very close to our kids). I can't take on any more stress.
--Work is simply awful. I just can't be the analyst I need to be and deal with the chaos of home. I'm hoping things will get better when they all get back to school, but I'm not sure it will help. Without going into too much detail, work is causing me immense stress and requiring late nights which creates a vicious cycle of not enough sleep.
--On that note, I am simply not sleeping well. I go to sleep fine and then wake up either on my own or when L climbs into our bed sometime in the night (yes, it's still going on) and then I can't get back to sleep. My mind races non-stop about how I'm going to get everything done and worry about the kids. In a similar vein, I'm not eating well either. Bad, bad and more bad.
So. The same cast of characters with our same issues and drama.
I need to start writing again. It helps me in so many ways.
I try to remind myself to take deep breaths and find little ways to "escape" and give my mind and body a break.
I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need to try not to take everything so seriously.
Medication is becoming more of an option in my mind. I need to get over the idea that it would be a move of weakness rather than a step in the right direction.
One of my favorite albums by Peter Gabriel.
A simple word that can express your emotions in the superlative or denote utter exasperation and a loss for what to do next.
It seems to fit me right now.