Still

I'm still here.

Life is still hard, confusing, and full.

I am rarely still and perpetually tired.

School ended, but the kids activities have still continued. And of course they are now home all day long.  We've been so busy, I haven't even had a chance to really establish a daily routine with the kids and set some new rules.  In many ways, I continue to operate each day by the seat of my pants.

We're trying to sprinkle in some family fun as much as possible.  Today I brought the kids to the movies.  My mother-in-law has done some fun things with them while I've been at work.  We went to an awesome annual party (or "palooza") on Saturday at my in-law's and everyone had a great time (M was amazing at the karaoke).  We leave for the beach on Saturday.  Lots of impromptu dance parties, gaming and soccer matches in the back yard.  I am trying really hard to be in the moment with them and be a little more laid back.

E seems a bit better on the medicine.  I've talked with her new doctor last week about trying to talk to her more about being able to express her feelings and not being worried about us not loving her. At the same time I need to explain to her that at times I'll express frustration or anger and it doesn't mean I don't love her.  It's still a struggle for me to balance the need to treat the girls normal and just like the boys, but constantly being cognizant of what I say and how I say it.  It's exhausting.

In so many ways, I feel like I've lost my mojo both physically and emotionally.  I'm going through the motions and just trying to keep all of us afloat.  I went to the doctor on Friday (clogged ears) and I've lost way, way too much weight.  It upset me to see the number, but I don't feel like I have the energy to get the exercise and my stress unfortunately curbs my appetite substantially.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this space.  I miss writing.  I'm not sure what to write.  Blog posts form in my head throughout the day.  By the time I have a moment to write late at night, the idea has often fizzled or the inspiration fades.  I'm hoping the vacation next week will give me a little respite and I'll get back my writing chops.  I hope that writing about my journey will help me, but also maybe touch somebody else going through a tough patch so they don't feel so alone.

So I still struggle to find some personal peace. I continue to bumble along and strain under the pressure.  I still hope, though, that one day I'll figure it all out.