Surprisingly to me, I feel really good about the meeting with E and the psychiatrist today.
E feels sad and alone. She feels responsible for her little sisters (especially MG and KT) and worries about them.
Yes, she is depressed. This has been caused by a nasty combination of grief and attachment difficulties. To quote E, she is "afraid to love us." She is starting to forget her parents and connecting to us makes her feel like they'll go away forever in her memory. My poor, sweet little E.
We'll start on a very small does of Zol*ft tomorrow. The psychiatrist emphasized that the biggest help is going to come from therapy. We're also doing some blood work to rule any other problems out.
I feel good about the situation because the doctor was empathetic, but very rational and analytic. Rather than wondering what's really going on in her head, I have a clearer understanding of how she feels.
I know in my mind that E's depression isn't my fault. I have secretly been feeling, though, that it is. She emphasized that we need to continue to do exactly what we've been doing. Continue to let her know that we're here and that we love her. "Keeping the door open" for her to know that she can talk to us.
I feel hopeful. It seems like a long time since I've felt that way.
It's so hard when something makes total sense but you still wish it didn't have to be. The idea of E being afraid and maybe feeling disloyal when it comes to expressing love for you makes heartbreaking sense. And yet it would be nice if it could be another way.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you feel hopeful.
Peg, please feel free to ignore this but I stumbled on your blog and I knew this girl in college who was in a similiar situation to E and M and I'm gonna just pass on what she told me. That the best thing her aunt and uncle did for her was to tell her that they viewed parenting as a one way street. That they loved her and felt for her and would always do for her everything they would do and feel for their other childern. But that this did not obligate her to feel the same way. She didn't have to love them like her parents in order for them to love her like their child. They adored her and always would. Period. But they understood her ambivelence and anxiety about returning those feelings and it was totally ok.
ReplyDeleteWow...I haven't been by in a few weeks. And wow. Lots of huge milestones going on for you. You do a great job taking care of all of the people in your life. Please, remember to take a moment to take of yourself! And by the way, you are doing an amazing job.
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