Wednesday, March 21, 2012

A Break

When she was 12, E was Michael Phelps for Halloween...she used a bunch of her own medals.

E is away for a week a Junior Nationals in Orlando.  It's US Swimming's national championship meet for kids under 18.  She made it last year at age 14 and was 17th out of 175 swimmers in 100 butterfly.  She had a phenomenal meet.  I went down for 2 days, along with S's husband, and her grandfather (her dad's dad).  She had a great time.

This year she went down by herself although I think her grandfather may go for a bit since he lives down there during the winter.

She has not had a good year swimming.  Her times haven't just plateaued, they have gotten worse...in some events by a lot.  She is still a great swimmer in the grand scheme of things, but it is not on the same trajectory that she and her parents thought she was on in the picture above.

Natural events have taken place.  She's added weight (weight needed to become a women) and unfortunately she is in a sport in which added weight makes a difference (buoyancy and all that).  She works harder than ever, but the results are just not there.  We've tried to work with her and with her coach to find the right balance of training, food and sleep/rest and I definitely don't think we've achieved it.  She also carries a tons of emotional strain and stress.  The main problem is that she isn't going to get taller and there aren't many Olympic swimmers at 5 foot 4 inches.

The bigger issue is that this is a little girl since age of 9 has been told that she is the best swimmer ever and, as a result, it defines her as a person (that and straight A's).  Her parents (particularly her father) did not do a very good job at giving her any perspective.  They were planning for her college scholarships at the age of 11.  In her mind, she has to be the best in every race at every meet. 

As I've mentioned before, K and I were both Division 1 college athletes.  We have both achieved a lot before, during and after college in sports.  One thing, however, that we have worked hard at, is not letting sports (or achievement in sports) define who are kids are.  You lose a game, okay,  let's get a slurpee and it's all over.  We have never wanted to put any sort of pressure on our kids.  I think we've done a pretty good job of setting the right perspective and, in turn, our kids enjoy playing and developmentally have progressed exactly where they need to be.  This runs counter to many, many parents in our area (and on our kids' teams) and definitely counter to Jeanne and Mike's philosophy.  I actually don't think they really meant to do it, but they got swept up in E's achievements early on and reliving past glory or lack of glory in their own childhood sports.  I regularly rolled my eyes and shook my head at how they put such a high priority on E's swimming.

Now we have inherited that attitude with E and M.  It is really hard to deal with.  M particularly feels the pressure, thinking she needs to be as good as E, and at the same time not being able to deal with a loss.  It gets so old listening to excuses from her about the terrible referees and mean players on the other team.  I try to explain that sometimes your team just loses and that's okay, but she'll hear nothing of it.

Swimming is also a sport that is so different from my experiences in team sports.  It is so black and white.  On the soccer field, I have multiple times throughout the game to fail and succeed.  Have a bad pass?  Do it better next time.  Your team loses?  Well, maybe you played well or can think of good plays you had.  You play terrible?  Well, at least maybe your team wins.  In swimming, it's all on you, winning or losing.  She puts so many hours in the water practicing, for sometimes less than a minute of success or failure.  There is not gray area and the clock doesn't lie.  I did run track in high school, but it was more about keeping fit for soccer and having fun with my friends.  I was good at it, but I had lots of other eggs in the basket with soccer and basketball.  E has one basket and one egg.    I'm sure there are lots of other psychological factors at play too in trying to honor her dead parents, etc.  With her swimming, I never know if I'm making the right decisions or saying the right things.  I depend on her coach and basically let her figure things out on her own.  By downplaying her swimming a bit, we hope that she'll gain the perspective she desperately needs.  We support her, but not with the same single minded purpose that she had with her parents.  In practical terms, we just can't do it with all of the other kids' needs.

So it's nice having a break from E and her swimming.  I miss her jokes and funny stories, but multiple texts a day from her have filled that void.  M has been more relaxed.  Honestly, we've all been more relaxed.  It is easier with one less kid, but it's her intensity that I don't miss.  Our whole house is palpably less tense.

14 comments:

  1. I cannot imagine the pressure the child puts on herself. I cannot imagine being defined by what I accomplished and that being my only identity.

    I feel sorry for her because first she lost her parents and now she's losing who she identifies herself to be.

    There is nothing wrong with filling out and maturing, it's just a shame it's having an impact on her swimming. I hope she IS able to pull back and take it easier.

    I'm glad you all have some breathing room. A little break every once in a while is definitely needed.

    Hugs!

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    1. I guiltily have loved the breathing room. I just wish the poor thing could catch a break. Life has not dealt her a very good hand of late :(

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  2. I think this is the hardest lesson for a young athlete to learn - that sometimes practice and devotion are not enough. It's not fair, but talent and natural ability never are.

    I was a competitive figure skater for many years and then went through a growth spurt. So much for that center of balance. It sucked, and the only thing that got me through it was my mother agreeing that it wasn't fair, but that it was what it was.

    This is a stressful situation for you. Does her coach have experience with this kind of transition? She clearly is going to remain a fantastic swimmer, but may need to re-frame her idea of what that looks like in her future. Has she tried to branch out in her swimming any with things like triathalons or water polo? May be a fun way to experience sports where she can use her swimming skills without the pressure of being the best.

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    1. Thanks for such a thoughtful comment Kimberly. E has a great coach who is working with her on expectations which has helped. It's just tough to see her put so much pressure on herself. She's equally obsessive about school. I think triathlons are a great idea! She used to play soccer and basketball but she dropped those when swimming got more serious and she wasnt the star of the team and her parents couldn't quite stomach that...it's sad. She had a good swim this morning so her attitude is good. Not fast according to her but it felt good. Thanks again!

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  3. I love Kimberly's thought of seeing if she can use her swimming in other athletic activities. Having any 1 thing that you use to define yourself is always dangerous because all it takes it 1 little thing (i.e. a growth spurt) to devestate your belief about who you are. Poor kiddo. I hope there is a way to help her branch out a little. Also, I'm glad you're getting a bit of a break in the tension at home :)

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    1. According to E's therapist, E equates love with achievement. She got a lot of self worth from her school and swimming achievement in their family. Her swimming was a focal point. So when she doesn't perform in the pool she thinks we won't love her. This is a great combination for someone with abandonment issues. Unfortunately she's also stuck with the body she has which is beautiful and perfect but not the ideal swim body. She has serious issues with food and rewards and punishes herself with food. Good swim = maybe she'll have desert. It is very complicated. Thanks for the great comment as usual.

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    2. Oh, that food stuff scares me for her, for you all. I mean, really scares me. She could be dangerously close to developing an eating disorder. If that isn't something her therapist specifically has expertise in, I'd be even more concerned. You have such full hands, don't you mama?!

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    3. Thanks for the concern. We keep an eye on it. She used to keep a food journal which was pretty disturbing but that stopped. Since the accident food has been something she can control. She's caused problems with food in each house she's been in but has settled down in ours. This weight vs swimming thing is really hard to deal with. It is the reality of the sport though.... there are many days that I curse swimming.

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  4. Wow. What a difficult place to be in. I have always been an athlete so I completely understand the want to have your child excel athletically. However, you are absolutely right in that there has to be a balance. I can't imagine how devastated she must be, though, since this has been her entire identity. I'm sure she has a huge amount of guilt over feeling like she is letting her parents down. I just have to add that I am really glad she is seeing a therapist. I'm here for you...


    "The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself." www.themommypsychologist.com

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    1. Thanks! Any insight you have as a therapist is always greatly appreciated. Our situation is just so complicated. I feel so bad for E but at the same time don't want to overreact to her current swimming results and create further imbalance. Oh and somehow focus on the needs of the other four kids....ugh.

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  5. Thought of you when I heard this story. Keep on hanging in there. You are doing great in a very difficult situation

    http://www.npr.org/2012/03/16/148673067/after-tragedy-an-aunt-plays-a-new-role-parent

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    1. Thanks Betsy! Once I got past the first paragraph ( that poor woman) reading it game me hope , not for any appreciation from the girls but that I'll one day feel less like an aunt and more like a regular mom to them. I think since they're older than the kids in the article its a bit different but it gives me hope all the same. Thanks!!

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  6. This is such an important post for people to read. I know there are some who believe if you don't push the kids to do their best, you won't get the Tiger Woods or the Michael Phelps. Or if you don't encourage the kids who have those internal drives to put that pressure on themselves. BUT where is happiness in that equation? The ability to see the Plan Bs if you need them? We encourage the kids to play sports, but we're definitely the anomaly in that we're not trying to get the kids into the elite teams. Sometimes it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. But then I read a post like this and realize that there are a multitude of roads and one doesn't need to be "the best" in order to get a lot out of the game.

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  7. Thanks so much for the comment. I repeatedly talk to the kids about what verb they use when then partipate in whatever sport they are doing "Play" they'll say, rolling their eyes. I think it's so important to remember that sports are are play and should be fun at whatever age you're at. Yes, I am competitive and sometimes you have to work hard to achieve your goals in sports. I have done my share of painful sprints, but if ultimately the overall experience isn't fun, then really why do it? I think adults in kids sports have taken the fun out of it in many ways. Not sure how we'll be able to help E through her struggles but hopefully we'll figure it out together.

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