Humbug

So I've been a bit silent here.  It's not that I don't have lots of things to write about.  I still write posts in my head throughout the day and think about how I might present this thought or that.  My mantra of not enough time continues.  Stress permeates my every pore.  It is the Christmas season and my need to fake my way through this period of fa la la for the kids is difficult.  Without a clever way to dump all this bah humbug out of my head, here's a boring, broken record list...

1.  Work.  I don't talk about work too much in this space.  It's one place in my life (other than soccer) that I still pretty much feel like myself.  I'm good at what I do and work really hard despite my unconventional work methods (two days in office, three days at home and working lots of late nights).  I've been working more or less in this capacity for over 11 years.  The last 5 days at work have been ridiculously stressful.  A task lead on my project (young, inexperienced) and my division manager (new since August) basically questioned my ability to get something written 10 days before its due and culminated with a cut in my hours.  I was absolutely shocked and sick to my stomach.  Then, magically after putting me through unbelievable amounts of stress, my hours were returned and apologies by at least the task lead followed.  Needless to say, I'm switching divisions.  I finished the paper 4 days early and all weekend K and I have been calling it my f-you paper.  I've saved all emails (electronic and print) and have been told my multiple co-workers that what happened was basic workplace harassment.  It has been awful.

2.  Marriage.  K and I continue to struggle.  He asked to go to Park City with our friends in February and I agreed, but with the understanding that he needs to pick it up around here and re-engage with the family.  That lasted about a week.  It still comes down to me being completely responsible for the girls.  I'm trying so hard to get through to him.  I'm trying to be the wife he deserves and needs.  I could use some sign that things are moving in the right direction.  I love him too much to except anything less.

3.  The Big Girls.  This is a really tough time of year for the girls.  As much as we love them and have enveloped them into our family, we aren't their "family." They miss their sisters.  They obviously miss their parents.  Our Christmas traditions, although they overlap, are not theirs.  What makes it complicated is that the boys need and deserve to go through our family traditions.  We haven't truly "merged" two family together. That sounds too simplistic and wrong.  They participate.  They may even have a little fun, but you can tell in their eyes what they're missing.  It's really sad.

4.  The Little Girls.  I wish with all of my heart I was able to take in the little girls.  We just can't.  It is not what is best for my boys.  I doubt I could handle it.  CA continues to make decisions and do things that make me question our decision.  In my heart, I know we made the wrong choice, but I couldn't make C and S take them.  Jeanne and Mike would hate this.  I hate this.  It's been a year, and I still don't feel right about it.  Those little girls deserve more.

5.  Grief.  Sometimes I think that I'm starting to forget them.  Other days I can hear their voices in my head like they were sitting next to me.  Last weekend I was cleaning up some things and found Mike's cd's.  It was both wonderful  and painful.  He was bigger than life and it is still so unbelievable that such a vibrant life force is gone.  I miss them so much.  I could use my big sister.

6.  Christmas.  I used to love Christmas.  I do it up big.  Decorations, cookies, carols jamming on my ipod.  I just don't have it in me anymore.  I'm trying to fake it for the kids and help us prepare as a family. (D is the lead in the school play!)  It just all seems so much now.  It still is hard to celebrate when there is a giant crater in our family.  We'll buy the presents (if anyone has a lead on a LeapPad let me know--it's L's number one wish and they are nowhere to be found).  We'll go to mass as a family.  The spirit just isn't in me anymore.

In conclusion...work sucks, my husband continues to hide, the girls are a challenge and I miss my sister.  Merry Christmas?