Tuesday, December 13, 2011


So I've been a bit silent here.  It's not that I don't have lots of things to write about.  I still write posts in my head throughout the day and think about how I might present this thought or that.  My mantra of not enough time continues.  Stress permeates my every pore.  It is the Christmas season and my need to fake my way through this period of fa la la for the kids is difficult.  Without a clever way to dump all this bah humbug out of my head, here's a boring, broken record list...

1.  Work.  I don't talk about work too much in this space.  It's one place in my life (other than soccer) that I still pretty much feel like myself.  I'm good at what I do and work really hard despite my unconventional work methods (two days in office, three days at home and working lots of late nights).  I've been working more or less in this capacity for over 11 years.  The last 5 days at work have been ridiculously stressful.  A task lead on my project (young, inexperienced) and my division manager (new since August) basically questioned my ability to get something written 10 days before its due and culminated with a cut in my hours.  I was absolutely shocked and sick to my stomach.  Then, magically after putting me through unbelievable amounts of stress, my hours were returned and apologies by at least the task lead followed.  Needless to say, I'm switching divisions.  I finished the paper 4 days early and all weekend K and I have been calling it my f-you paper.  I've saved all emails (electronic and print) and have been told my multiple co-workers that what happened was basic workplace harassment.  It has been awful.

2.  Marriage.  K and I continue to struggle.  He asked to go to Park City with our friends in February and I agreed, but with the understanding that he needs to pick it up around here and re-engage with the family.  That lasted about a week.  It still comes down to me being completely responsible for the girls.  I'm trying so hard to get through to him.  I'm trying to be the wife he deserves and needs.  I could use some sign that things are moving in the right direction.  I love him too much to except anything less.

3.  The Big Girls.  This is a really tough time of year for the girls.  As much as we love them and have enveloped them into our family, we aren't their "family." They miss their sisters.  They obviously miss their parents.  Our Christmas traditions, although they overlap, are not theirs.  What makes it complicated is that the boys need and deserve to go through our family traditions.  We haven't truly "merged" two family together. That sounds too simplistic and wrong.  They participate.  They may even have a little fun, but you can tell in their eyes what they're missing.  It's really sad.

4.  The Little Girls.  I wish with all of my heart I was able to take in the little girls.  We just can't.  It is not what is best for my boys.  I doubt I could handle it.  CA continues to make decisions and do things that make me question our decision.  In my heart, I know we made the wrong choice, but I couldn't make C and S take them.  Jeanne and Mike would hate this.  I hate this.  It's been a year, and I still don't feel right about it.  Those little girls deserve more.

5.  Grief.  Sometimes I think that I'm starting to forget them.  Other days I can hear their voices in my head like they were sitting next to me.  Last weekend I was cleaning up some things and found Mike's cd's.  It was both wonderful  and painful.  He was bigger than life and it is still so unbelievable that such a vibrant life force is gone.  I miss them so much.  I could use my big sister.

6.  Christmas.  I used to love Christmas.  I do it up big.  Decorations, cookies, carols jamming on my ipod.  I just don't have it in me anymore.  I'm trying to fake it for the kids and help us prepare as a family. (D is the lead in the school play!)  It just all seems so much now.  It still is hard to celebrate when there is a giant crater in our family.  We'll buy the presents (if anyone has a lead on a LeapPad let me know--it's L's number one wish and they are nowhere to be found).  We'll go to mass as a family.  The spirit just isn't in me anymore.

In conclusion...work sucks, my husband continues to hide, the girls are a challenge and I miss my sister.  Merry Christmas?


  1. Hi, I have been following since I read a very nice comment that you made on another woman's blog months ago. My heart is with you, as you share these very difficult life struggles. I just finished reading today's post, I then felt a strong 'thought', suggesting that you ask your sister to let the little girls have a week's Christmas vacation at your house. I have read about how your sister is... but maybe......

  2. I'm sorry things are so hard. I wish I were your neighbor so I could offer you a hand once in a while so maybe things wouldn't seem so dark.

  3. My mantra the first two years after we lost Hannah was "fake it 'til you make it". I faked so many things, but we made it.

    I sincerely wish there were some way I could help you, to ease your burdens a bit.

    Would you and K be able to attend some marriage counseling together? Would he be willing to see a counselor on his own? He obviously has issues he needs to work through as well.

    As always, many prayers for you and big hugs.

  4. I'm also functioing under the "fake it til you make it" mantra right now. Not sure how good I'm faking it, or when (if?!) we'll make it, but - for right now - it's the best I can do. Sending prayers for you, the kids, and K to all find your way back to each other. ((hugs))

  5. I read through your archives a little while ago and have been following steadily since. You have a very large heart. I have a question, if you don't mind - where is the other side of the family with this? The family of your sister's husband? I know I read they live away, but I have wondered if they have any contact with the children or are able to offer any respite, or a place for the girls to be together on a vacation? I hope this isn't a nosy question (please feel free to delete if so), but having read through the archives in one sitting it just immediately popped to mind. Peace to you this season.

  6. Interesting question about Mike's family. They live out of state and have shown limited interest in the girls. Their grandfather has visited twice and their aunt (mike's only sister) once. They are nice, but out of sight, out of mind seems to be the current state of affairs. I should write a post just about that. Thanks for the support and comment!