Thursday, September 22, 2011

Deep Breath

Today was a day that needed lots of deep breaths.  Too many times my mind started racing ahead to the future and I started to panic.  I worry and worry and worry.  I worked hard today to not get too anxious about the long term, but focus on what I could do today to make things work.

My post about M's academic issues has been weighing on me.  I'm always trying to find little signs that things are getting better.  Progress on all fronts seems to be moving at a glacial pace.  I guess I just thought that all the decisions and steps we took this summer would result in immediate progress with M.  Naive on my part I suppose.  My rational brain knows that there is not going to be a sudden fix with M.  Her issues are too complex.  So I'm thinking that my need to find something positive in this quagmire that is our life, was putting all my eggs in M's academic basket.  It's still just so hard.  I think what makes it more difficult is that the outside world seems to have lost it patience for our issues.  We all should be over this.  The kids should be adjusted by now.  Life just doesn't work that way.

My issues with my siblings and parents also continue.  Sometimes I just want to scream at all of them that we are bearing the brunt of our family tragedy.  Today was another example.  At lunch I was discussing with C about how when E gets her license next year, it doesn't automatically mean that we are going to let E drive to swimming in the morning.  She doesn't get enough sleep and its makes us uncomfortable.  C's reaction was that her husband D and S's husband aren't going to be able to keep up the swimming help.  She said, "it's killing D and who knows what is going to happen when S has the baby."  I wanted to yell at her and say, "But they promised to help!!!"  This was part of the deal.  Moreover, C and D said they'd take the girls.  It got too hard and they bailed.  Driving for swimming two mornings a week is getting too hard.  They want to bail.  They get to do that.  The girls aren't their responsibility.  As their guilt over not taking the girls goes away so does their commitment to help. 

Slowly but surely I still feel that everyone is stepping away.  The crisis is over for everyone else, but continues for us.  I'm just tired and continue to feel so alone.  Tired and alone.

I don't want to end this on a negative....some good things...

1.  We had the meeting with E's swim coach this evening.  Talking about her swimming is pretty cool.  She is an exceptional swimmer.  In 4 years, she could swim in the Olympics.  She is that good.  I need to try to start focusing on how to help her reach that goal rather than seeing her swimming as a hardship on our family. 

2.  L is doing really well in pre-school.  He seems really happy and comes home with good stories.  I am very proud of him.

3.  The uncles on both sides of the family did a fantasy football draft with D tonight.  It means nothing in terms of money, but means the world to D.  He has been talking about nothing else for the past week.  Our biggest problem was trying to convince him that drafting only Hokies was a bad idea.

4.  I watched A skate from the front porch before dinner tonight.  He is getting so good and the joy on his face filled me up.

5.  Our little Montana honeymoon has continued.  The past few days K and I have sent each other silly emails during the day loaded with innuendos.  I love him.  I get annoyed at him, but I do love him so and it's nice to have a little romantic spice to the day.

6.  At work yesterday, during a presentation by our CEO I made an intelligent comment  that she agreed with.  I felt smart and professional.  It was nice to be reminded that I'm good at what I do.

I need to remember these positive points and not worry too much about the future.  It will all work out or it won't.  I can't imagine it getting any harder so I might as well just be satisfied with the little positives I can find in each day.


  1. One of the biggest things I had to do for myself after we lost Hannah was give myself permission to NOT look to the future. The future absolutely traumatized me and I would have massive anxiety attacks just thinking about it.

    Now, I'm a planner, so this was insanely difficult for me, but it saved me. It saved my sanity. I took it moment by moment, day by day. I might look a month out for planning purposes, but I didn't go much further than that. No need to borrow trouble. :oS

    I also started my sparklies so I could look at the positives in my day and know there was still good in my world. I think you're on the right track looking at those positives. Even on my crappiest days I tried to find good moments. They're there, I just had to stop and think--and you know what, reflecting on the good in my day helped. (I'm not coming across preachy, I hope!)

    I've been thinking about M and her struggles. She was only recently diagnosed, so she's been living with the bad habits for YEARS. It's going to take quite a while to establish new habits. She is pretty down on herself and her abilities, I'm sure, so she needs to start focusing on her successes as well. I can't imagine it's easy being E's sister, either. :oS

    I actually laughed out loud at D's Fantasy Football. As much as I love and adore my Hokies, I wouldn't draft all of them for one team. :oP

    How amazing E has such talent! That is definitely something to be celebrated. I could see how getting bogged down in the daily life of it, though could be hard. I'm sorry your family continues to bail on you. You all are still striving to find your new "normal" and trying to do that with little personalities that are continually evolving and changing is hard. Your family's input and help (or lack thereof) certainly doesn't help.

    I'm happy to read you and K are still on the honeymoon. That brought a big smile to my face. May it continue to be so.


  2. Rach, your comments always come exactly when I need them and are so thoughtful. Thanks for sharing and making me not feel so alone. :) hugs right back!