E just posted on her facebook status that she's "in a relationship" with another swimmer on our summer swim team. When I asked her why I had to find out about this on facebook, she said, "I was going to tell you, I just didn't have time." When I asked her what this means, she just said, "I don't know."
E is so lost. The last thing she needs is a boyfriend. I worry that our naive, insecure little girl is going to make a wrong decision, looking for love and attention. Her moral compass is pretty strict and for the most part I trust her instincts, but she's lied to us multiple times in the last few weeks. Now I'm questioning all the times she said she was doing something with the swim team. E has spent the last 18 months manipulating the adults in her life. I just hope she respects us enough to be straightforward with us about this boy.
I am just not ready for this. Insta-teenager is no fun.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Vigilance
I've admitted to myself lately that I am wound pretty tight. I've discussed here about how my temper has been flaring up more regularly. I can physically feel the tension in my body. My stomach is upset often. I do this weird jaw clench thing (ironically I remember my grandmother doing the same thing) that is happening more frequently. I have always been a bit of a control freak and perfectionist about some things. K is constantly complaining about me overreacting to situations. My stress levels are extremely high. I'm on vacation in a beautiful, chill location and I'm a ball of stress.
I've also noticed, though, that I've become hyper vigilant about the boys. Since the accident, I worry about them all the time. I make L hold my hand everywhere. I need to know where they are at all times. But it spills over in other areas. I overreact when their behavior isn't ideal...D's language (calling his brothers idiots or his newest "what the hell")...A's absentmindedness...L not listening when I ask him to stop doing something. I worry that I've ruined the boys' life by taking in the girls. I worry that their innocence has been lost by the accident. I worry and worry and worry. This translates in overreaction and anxiety.
Control is at the center of all of this behavior. Just like L refuses to go to the bathroom in the potty (yes, he's still going in the diaper although he wears undies all day) as a way to gain control, my actions are probably my attempt to control things when something happened that I couldn't control. The accident changed everything. I can't control how my sisters and parents have reacted. I can't make K be more than he is. I can't bring them back. I can't take in the little girls too.
So how do I change this? How do I get off of this scary ride of tense emotions and stress? I don't know how to find the balance between letting some control go, but also being able to keep the reins on the chaos that is our life. I've thought about medication to help with the symptoms of the anxiety and stress. To be honest, I"m scared of this approach. I'm searching for something physical, spiritual and emotional to help me. I've lost way too much weight and am completely out of shape. I guess if I'm admitting it's an issue that's a step in the right direction.
All I know is that my behavior is affecting the kids. I don't want my nervousness to keep them from having fun, being carefree and not worrying themselves. There comes a point when my vigilance may keep them safe, but on the other hand it can also become suffocating and unhealthy.
I've also noticed, though, that I've become hyper vigilant about the boys. Since the accident, I worry about them all the time. I make L hold my hand everywhere. I need to know where they are at all times. But it spills over in other areas. I overreact when their behavior isn't ideal...D's language (calling his brothers idiots or his newest "what the hell")...A's absentmindedness...L not listening when I ask him to stop doing something. I worry that I've ruined the boys' life by taking in the girls. I worry that their innocence has been lost by the accident. I worry and worry and worry. This translates in overreaction and anxiety.
Control is at the center of all of this behavior. Just like L refuses to go to the bathroom in the potty (yes, he's still going in the diaper although he wears undies all day) as a way to gain control, my actions are probably my attempt to control things when something happened that I couldn't control. The accident changed everything. I can't control how my sisters and parents have reacted. I can't make K be more than he is. I can't bring them back. I can't take in the little girls too.
So how do I change this? How do I get off of this scary ride of tense emotions and stress? I don't know how to find the balance between letting some control go, but also being able to keep the reins on the chaos that is our life. I've thought about medication to help with the symptoms of the anxiety and stress. To be honest, I"m scared of this approach. I'm searching for something physical, spiritual and emotional to help me. I've lost way too much weight and am completely out of shape. I guess if I'm admitting it's an issue that's a step in the right direction.
All I know is that my behavior is affecting the kids. I don't want my nervousness to keep them from having fun, being carefree and not worrying themselves. There comes a point when my vigilance may keep them safe, but on the other hand it can also become suffocating and unhealthy.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Four Year Old Musings
Somewhere in the middle of South Carolina....
L: Are we in the middle of nowhere daddy?
K: Yup buddy, not too much around here.
L: But I can see houses, we must be in the middle of yeswhere!
I love that kid!
L: Are we in the middle of nowhere daddy?
K: Yup buddy, not too much around here.
L: But I can see houses, we must be in the middle of yeswhere!
I love that kid!
A Break
I'm currently sitting in our lovely master bedroom in Hilton Head, SC. We drove down yesterday (11 hours baby!) after the girls' swim meet. The trip was relatively easy with only 3 bathroom breaks, 3 gas fill ups and one dinner break. We only had a slight breakdown from L with about 20 minutes left when he woke up and was confused. Today was a great day. Beautiful weather with a nature walk in the morning, afternoon beach and pool, and mini golf in the evening.
The only thing missing from the equation is E. She didn't want to come. We didn't know what to do. We gave her the option of coming down for part of the time and then flying her home, but she chose to stay. She's spending part of the days at home so she can coach, lifeguard and swim (and take care of the animals) and then her nights at either C's or S's depending on who is doing her early morning swim the next day.
It felt so wrong to leave on Saturday without her. Our family vacation should be the entire family and even though she doesn't feel like part of our family, we feel her absence. L has been very worried about her and has talked a lot about her being lonely at home. All the kids are confused about why she isn't here. I don't think we did a very good job at explaining it to them. M seems happy her sister isn't here. M came on the trip last year with us and had a great time. A declared tonight that he misses Oreo our cat, but not E. D hasn't talked about her at all. I tried to explain that she had swimming and wanted to work, but they're too smart to buy it anymore. They know she doesn't want to be with us.
To be perfectly honest, it's nice to have a break from E. Our last two weeks have had some real tense moments. For the first time in a while, I've said no to her and shown my frustration at her behavior. Twice she's been openly defiant, including not answering her cell phone and not coming home when she was supposed to. Not during any of these times, did I raise my voice, but I did act normal with her and reacted to her behavior. At the time, it actually felt good to deal with E like a normal parent and not treat her with kid gloves.
Then I got the bombshell from her therapist. E requested that I talk to Lynne her therapist one-on-one without E. I went to her normal session on Thursday and heard an earful. E told Lynne that she was confused by my anger at her and presented me as someone getting mad at her for no reason. The example she gave, actually, only gave part of the story without me going up to E afterwards and calmly explaining why I was angry. E has presented her home life to Lynne as isolated and with no attention for her. I was dumbfounded. I calmly explained to Lynne what our days really are like. How E and M are constantly demanding attention and all of the things I do for E on a daily basis, including fielding constant texts and commentary on every aspect of her day. Lynne was very surprised. I have to admit it really hurt my feelings that she was telling Lynne these things. We talked a lot about why E is doing this. We figure it was almost like E was trying to get me in trouble rather than deal with the hard things. Maybe her confusion with me was that I was finally treating her normally and not walking on eggshells. Maybe she's deflecting attention away from the stuff really going on. We rented the house. Father's day. Missing her little sisters. Missing her neighborhood swim team. She's also working herself too hard and not getting enough sleep. All of this creates a toxic combination.
She continues to push us away. She has these moments, like in Florida, where she settles and seems happy with us. I got cocky, though, and thought we had turned a corner. I've worked really hard not to take it personally. I understand why she acts this way, but it doesn't make it any less annoying and hurtful. I love E so much, but at times it still feels like a stranger in living in our house.
She did text us all day yesterday while we were driving. She looked sad and uncomfortable that we were leaving without her. I didn't talk to her today, but got a few texts. Part of me misses her, but part of me is happy for this break. Her constant neediness is exhausting.
So, we're all trying to have a good time. It still feels like to me that something is missing. But maybe what's missing other than E, is a bit of the tension and stress she brings with her. I hope the break is good for all of us.
The only thing missing from the equation is E. She didn't want to come. We didn't know what to do. We gave her the option of coming down for part of the time and then flying her home, but she chose to stay. She's spending part of the days at home so she can coach, lifeguard and swim (and take care of the animals) and then her nights at either C's or S's depending on who is doing her early morning swim the next day.
It felt so wrong to leave on Saturday without her. Our family vacation should be the entire family and even though she doesn't feel like part of our family, we feel her absence. L has been very worried about her and has talked a lot about her being lonely at home. All the kids are confused about why she isn't here. I don't think we did a very good job at explaining it to them. M seems happy her sister isn't here. M came on the trip last year with us and had a great time. A declared tonight that he misses Oreo our cat, but not E. D hasn't talked about her at all. I tried to explain that she had swimming and wanted to work, but they're too smart to buy it anymore. They know she doesn't want to be with us.
To be perfectly honest, it's nice to have a break from E. Our last two weeks have had some real tense moments. For the first time in a while, I've said no to her and shown my frustration at her behavior. Twice she's been openly defiant, including not answering her cell phone and not coming home when she was supposed to. Not during any of these times, did I raise my voice, but I did act normal with her and reacted to her behavior. At the time, it actually felt good to deal with E like a normal parent and not treat her with kid gloves.
Then I got the bombshell from her therapist. E requested that I talk to Lynne her therapist one-on-one without E. I went to her normal session on Thursday and heard an earful. E told Lynne that she was confused by my anger at her and presented me as someone getting mad at her for no reason. The example she gave, actually, only gave part of the story without me going up to E afterwards and calmly explaining why I was angry. E has presented her home life to Lynne as isolated and with no attention for her. I was dumbfounded. I calmly explained to Lynne what our days really are like. How E and M are constantly demanding attention and all of the things I do for E on a daily basis, including fielding constant texts and commentary on every aspect of her day. Lynne was very surprised. I have to admit it really hurt my feelings that she was telling Lynne these things. We talked a lot about why E is doing this. We figure it was almost like E was trying to get me in trouble rather than deal with the hard things. Maybe her confusion with me was that I was finally treating her normally and not walking on eggshells. Maybe she's deflecting attention away from the stuff really going on. We rented the house. Father's day. Missing her little sisters. Missing her neighborhood swim team. She's also working herself too hard and not getting enough sleep. All of this creates a toxic combination.
She continues to push us away. She has these moments, like in Florida, where she settles and seems happy with us. I got cocky, though, and thought we had turned a corner. I've worked really hard not to take it personally. I understand why she acts this way, but it doesn't make it any less annoying and hurtful. I love E so much, but at times it still feels like a stranger in living in our house.
She did text us all day yesterday while we were driving. She looked sad and uncomfortable that we were leaving without her. I didn't talk to her today, but got a few texts. Part of me misses her, but part of me is happy for this break. Her constant neediness is exhausting.
So, we're all trying to have a good time. It still feels like to me that something is missing. But maybe what's missing other than E, is a bit of the tension and stress she brings with her. I hope the break is good for all of us.
Monday, June 27, 2011
A Diagnosis
We met with the specialist last Thursday with M to get the results of her testing. We were all anxious. M was especially scared. She thought she was going to finally be told she was stupid. A feeling she's had for a very long time. Instead....
...we found out that M is a very bright girl. Something we've always thought. Nobody could have such a quick, funny sense of humor and be of below intelligence. Turns out, M's above average in all four areas of IQ that were tested. Strangely, also, they were all relatively even, which the doctor said is pretty rare.
What we did find out, though, was that M has a pretty pronounced learning disability in math. From doing homework with her, I was relieved to see that I wasn't crazy in my belief that she really didn't "get math." She is going to get special accommodations at school and extra help. Yeah! The doctor was also really good at explaining it to M so she understood what it meant and that it did not mean she was stupid.
Now for the tricky part. The doctor was on the fence about the ADHD. She wanted to talk more with us about what might be going on. Everybody, including M, marked her in the range for an attention issue. All the adults, however, also highlighted anxiety, emotional issues. It's hard to know what is causing the attention issues. We just don't have the history with M and have only parented traumatized M. We only have a few anecdotal data points from friends of the family and things I remember. The TOVA test, a computer-based assessment, definitely had her in the ADHD range. So after a lengthy discussion with us and M, the doctor decided to give her an ADHD not other specified (NOS) diagnosis. From her perspective, it doesn't really matter why M is inattentive, the help she'll get at school will be the same. She also recommended we try medication to help with her attention.
I'm relieved. M looked absolutely relieved. She knows she's been struggling. She's been dealing with this her whole life. I don't think this is something that resulted from her parents death. If anything, the accident has just highlighted the issues that would have probably been ignored. Who knows what would have happened to M? I can only try to help her now and that means doing what the experts recommend, doing research and going with my gut.
My sisters S and C did not have the same reaction. S questioned the diagnosis. Questioned whether or not our school can handle her issues. She made statements like, "maybe she just had a really bad math teacher in 2nd grade." She pronounced on it, because she's a teacher and has a degree in special ed. It was like she was questioning my ability or judgement to raise M and do what's best for her. Coming from S, it was annoying, infuriating and downright crappy. Oh, and she asked what I was going to do about the boys, so they won't "tease her." My sweet boys, who deal with M and her grades and frustrations everyday (especially my tenderhearted A) would never tease M. Now, her sister is another story, but my mommy bristles came up hearing her assume my boys were going to make M feel bad.
C declared, "that is so sad...poor M." Huh? Sad? Yes, M is going to have some more challenges academically, but she's been dealing with this for a long time. She is finally going to get help. She was told how bright and smart she is. She was told she isn't stupid. Her brain just isn't wired the same as other people. We can do things to help her. Medication isn't the end of the world. C caught herself at one point, but not before she brought up horror stories of kids on medication. We haven't even been to her pediatrician yet, and our judgement is being questioned. Frankly, it sucked.
All I know is we are going to do what we think is best for M. We stood up for her. My sisters didn't. We are her family and all of us, including the boys, are going to help M. I didn't think of this as a step backwards, but a step in the right direction.
...we found out that M is a very bright girl. Something we've always thought. Nobody could have such a quick, funny sense of humor and be of below intelligence. Turns out, M's above average in all four areas of IQ that were tested. Strangely, also, they were all relatively even, which the doctor said is pretty rare.
What we did find out, though, was that M has a pretty pronounced learning disability in math. From doing homework with her, I was relieved to see that I wasn't crazy in my belief that she really didn't "get math." She is going to get special accommodations at school and extra help. Yeah! The doctor was also really good at explaining it to M so she understood what it meant and that it did not mean she was stupid.
Now for the tricky part. The doctor was on the fence about the ADHD. She wanted to talk more with us about what might be going on. Everybody, including M, marked her in the range for an attention issue. All the adults, however, also highlighted anxiety, emotional issues. It's hard to know what is causing the attention issues. We just don't have the history with M and have only parented traumatized M. We only have a few anecdotal data points from friends of the family and things I remember. The TOVA test, a computer-based assessment, definitely had her in the ADHD range. So after a lengthy discussion with us and M, the doctor decided to give her an ADHD not other specified (NOS) diagnosis. From her perspective, it doesn't really matter why M is inattentive, the help she'll get at school will be the same. She also recommended we try medication to help with her attention.
I'm relieved. M looked absolutely relieved. She knows she's been struggling. She's been dealing with this her whole life. I don't think this is something that resulted from her parents death. If anything, the accident has just highlighted the issues that would have probably been ignored. Who knows what would have happened to M? I can only try to help her now and that means doing what the experts recommend, doing research and going with my gut.
My sisters S and C did not have the same reaction. S questioned the diagnosis. Questioned whether or not our school can handle her issues. She made statements like, "maybe she just had a really bad math teacher in 2nd grade." She pronounced on it, because she's a teacher and has a degree in special ed. It was like she was questioning my ability or judgement to raise M and do what's best for her. Coming from S, it was annoying, infuriating and downright crappy. Oh, and she asked what I was going to do about the boys, so they won't "tease her." My sweet boys, who deal with M and her grades and frustrations everyday (especially my tenderhearted A) would never tease M. Now, her sister is another story, but my mommy bristles came up hearing her assume my boys were going to make M feel bad.
C declared, "that is so sad...poor M." Huh? Sad? Yes, M is going to have some more challenges academically, but she's been dealing with this for a long time. She is finally going to get help. She was told how bright and smart she is. She was told she isn't stupid. Her brain just isn't wired the same as other people. We can do things to help her. Medication isn't the end of the world. C caught herself at one point, but not before she brought up horror stories of kids on medication. We haven't even been to her pediatrician yet, and our judgement is being questioned. Frankly, it sucked.
All I know is we are going to do what we think is best for M. We stood up for her. My sisters didn't. We are her family and all of us, including the boys, are going to help M. I didn't think of this as a step backwards, but a step in the right direction.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Too Much
Today has been a day of too much. Too much work. Too much whining. Too much responsibility. Just plain too much. Today should have been an easy day on paper in comparison to what we've been dealing with logistically in the last few months. But it became a day of short tempers complaints from E, fake ailments from M with their accompanying whines, the boys getting ignored, and me completely overwhelmed by the demands of the girls. They have been completely awful today. Of course there is an explanation. Father's day was Sunday. Moreover, we had their sisters and CA over this morning for a play date. It's hard on me seeing them with CA. I can only imagine what it must be like for E and M.
I know dealing with these difficult days is part of the gig. I know we are going to continue to have them for years to come. I just didn't have the energy to deal with it today. The emotional aspect of this situation is so draining. There is just one of me. Today I needed a team of nannies, cooks, therapists, house cleaners and personal assistants. Winning the lottery would also be nice. Sigh.
I know dealing with these difficult days is part of the gig. I know we are going to continue to have them for years to come. I just didn't have the energy to deal with it today. The emotional aspect of this situation is so draining. There is just one of me. Today I needed a team of nannies, cooks, therapists, house cleaners and personal assistants. Winning the lottery would also be nice. Sigh.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Can We Just Catch a Break?
So tonight C and I headed over to the Jeanne's house to say goodbye. S was supposed to come with us, but bailed at the last minute. She used the excuse that she had to finish cleaning out her classroom, but I really think she just didn't want to. Lately I feel like she just wants to move on and not think about anything sad. Understandable.
C and I left E with all eight kids happily eating dinner at our house waiting for K to come home. We randomly stopped at Chipotle for dinner because we couldn't think of anything else. We actually spent the entire ride there venting about our frustrations with CA and her care for the girls. As we pulled up to the house, both our stomachs dropped as we saw cars with NY license plates in the driveway. The renters. They weren't supposed to move in till Wednesday. Turns out the property manager walked them through the house today and gave them the keys. First, we just sat in the car in front and cried. We turned around and thought about leaving, but I couldn't. We had done too much to get things arranged with the kids to not get to say good bye. We finally walked up the driveway, their kids ran out and eventually the dad walked out and we explained with choked up voices why we were there. They couldn't have been nicer, but it was totally awkward. They left us at the house so they could walk to the pool and check out the swim meet. It was awful.
We went inside and cried and cried and walked through rooms. It was so not what I envisioned this night to be. It lasted all of 7 minutes. I wanted to sit and eat, laughing and talking about our times there. I wanted the time and peace to say goodbye. Instead we felt like strangers invading the renters home. It was just another reminder that life isn't fair and best laid plans just don't work out. Nothing in this situation is fair. We can't even say good bye on our own terms.
We ended up heading over to the lake next to their neighborhood, sitting on a bench, crying and venting more about CA. We rehashed, yet again, our decision about the little girls and what we could have done differently. Not very healthy.
So yet again, we were reminded about how awful this still is for our family and how much we sometimes feel so stuck in our grief. I just wish for once something went our way and we could have had the moment we wanted as sisters. At least a little bit of closure with the house. Oh well, sometimes life just sucks.
C and I left E with all eight kids happily eating dinner at our house waiting for K to come home. We randomly stopped at Chipotle for dinner because we couldn't think of anything else. We actually spent the entire ride there venting about our frustrations with CA and her care for the girls. As we pulled up to the house, both our stomachs dropped as we saw cars with NY license plates in the driveway. The renters. They weren't supposed to move in till Wednesday. Turns out the property manager walked them through the house today and gave them the keys. First, we just sat in the car in front and cried. We turned around and thought about leaving, but I couldn't. We had done too much to get things arranged with the kids to not get to say good bye. We finally walked up the driveway, their kids ran out and eventually the dad walked out and we explained with choked up voices why we were there. They couldn't have been nicer, but it was totally awkward. They left us at the house so they could walk to the pool and check out the swim meet. It was awful.
We went inside and cried and cried and walked through rooms. It was so not what I envisioned this night to be. It lasted all of 7 minutes. I wanted to sit and eat, laughing and talking about our times there. I wanted the time and peace to say goodbye. Instead we felt like strangers invading the renters home. It was just another reminder that life isn't fair and best laid plans just don't work out. Nothing in this situation is fair. We can't even say good bye on our own terms.
We ended up heading over to the lake next to their neighborhood, sitting on a bench, crying and venting more about CA. We rehashed, yet again, our decision about the little girls and what we could have done differently. Not very healthy.
So yet again, we were reminded about how awful this still is for our family and how much we sometimes feel so stuck in our grief. I just wish for once something went our way and we could have had the moment we wanted as sisters. At least a little bit of closure with the house. Oh well, sometimes life just sucks.
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