On Marriage

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, Just Give Me A Reason

K and I have been together for over 24 years, with 18 of those as a married couple.  We have actually known each other for even longer since his sister and I were friends in high school and played soccer together.  I'll never forget the phone call I got from her a few months after we started dating asking increduously, "Are you dating my brother???"  We really got to know each other in college where we both played on the soccer teams and happened to have a few history classes together.  We clicked right away with a very similar upbringing (big family, Catholic school, etc.) and similar sense of humor, but more importantly, in my opinion, enough personality differences that we bring out the best in each other. We started our romance first as very good friends and I think it's that friendship that has sustained us over time.  Outside of stress, work, parenting, etc., we really like to hang out together.

Marriage can be hard.  You not only bring to this new partnership your own needs and wants, but the legacy (whether good or bad) of the marriages you each have experienced.  My parents were pretty old school with my dad being the provider and overall "fixer" in the house, with my mom taking care of us, cooking dinner, carpools, school, etc.  With all girls in our family, my dad defnitely "took care of us" and we depended on him heavily to help us through our transitions into adulthood.  Throw in some pretty serious health issues with my mom and I was definitely provided a strong, take care of everything "husband/father" model.

K, on the other hand, is the oldest of a very British family.  He is the eldest boy and treated a little special, but as the oldest of 9 he had to constantly stake out his independence and fight to get his needs met.  I joke all the time with my sisters about how K and each of his brothers and sisters (some more than others) are all inherently a bit selfish in order to be noticed and heard.  My mother-in-law did (and still does) everything for her kids.  My father-in-law, while a lovely person, was definitely more hands off and much better with the kids as they got older.  He travelled a lot and worked very hard in order to provide for his large family.  In some ways, K is an awful lot like his dad.  Brilliant intellectually, but not the most practical (or handy) of people and a bit clueless when it comes to noticing or understanding the needs of those around him.

My family is also a very boisterous, talkative brood with lots of both verbal and physical expressions of love.  I end most conversations with my sisters with "I love you."  I enjoy to give and receive hugs.  K comes from a stereotypical British family with no real outward signs of affection.  There is definitely a lot of love there, but it's not spoken of and expressions of feelings are kept at a minimum. 

That being said, K has certainly broken the mold in some ways.  He is very affectionate with the boys and M (E keeps him pretty much at a distance which is a entire post in and of itself).  He is much more hands on than his dad in terms of childcare.  Our life before the accident entailed a pretty good balance of efforts and, while sometimes challenging, we worked things out without too much drama.

So October 2009 happened and our life turned completely upside down.  This horrible thing occurred and it not only sent both of us in a tailspin emotionally, we found ourselves having to parent our kids through a very difficult situation, dealing with my family and struggling to take care of the girls.  It was rough.  Really rough.

In the last few days, I've been trying to step back and think about how all of this has affected K.  First, our loss in all of this is very different.  I lost my sister.  While he was and still is sad about it, there is a difference.  It's hard for him to understand my loss.  His loss is more centered around our family. He has had to watch his wife change and not for the better in many ways. As documented in this blog, I have struggled with my grief and depression while trying to be the mom I want and need to be. He has had to watch his little boys go through a pretty awful thing.  Not only losing Jeanne and Mike, and adjusting to the girls moving in, but struggling to find their footing in all the instability and trauma.

On a practical note, we also added two kids to our household.  This means a host of additional financial, logistical, emotional and parenting burdens.  They are girls, which as those of you who are parents to both boys and girls, is very different.  They are two very needy, greiving children who have lost their parents and siblings.  One of them can be considered special needs with her ADHD, learning disabilities and anxiety.  The financial responsibilities alone are huge.  All of the legal nightmares of the first year were horrific and timeconsuming.

He also almost died a year ago October.  The result has been a shock and huge lifestyle change for him.  The coumadin regimen (and constant testing), uncertainty about the causes, etc.  have been a huge stress for an active, athletic 44 year old.  He no longer can play softball, soccer, ski and other things that could risk a bleeding episode.  This has been a hard pill to take for him.  I have worried about him and depression in this last year (according to lots of websites this is very typical in his situation).

All of this for a guy who grew up not sharing feelings, not being overly affectionate, and the oldest of nine kids who pretty much took care of himself.  While we had our share of difficulties prior to the accident (miscarriage, work losses, parenting challenges), nothing prepared us for the strain of our new normal. 

None of this excuses his behavior.  It does not make my feelings invalid or take away the hurt he has caused. But it does put it in perspective. He desperately wants things to go back to normal (pre-accident) and sometimes that means for him to run off with his dorky buddies for a long weekend or a bachelor party.  Or when things get tough and emotionally difficult at home between us or with the kids, he often defaults to hiding out and not wanting to deal with it, or irrationally exploding at me (his safe place).

The last few days have found us slowly working our way back to each other.  It's nearly impossible not to with five minions who need us (both of us).  When you love someone, understanding and forgiveness are part of the package even when doing that takes you being the bigger person.  Beneath all of the layers of hurt, grief, anger, stress and fear, still sit two people who love each other.  Those two college friends are still there.  Sometimes it just takes a little more effort for them to find each other.

 

p.s. thank you so much for all of the messages of love, support, and insight for the past few posts.  You have no idea how much they help.  This blog has been a space for me to get a lot of stuff out, but it certainly has turned into something where I get a lot in return.  So thank you.  Really, really thank you.

Things

Things that suck:
1.  I am feeling pretty crappy and the person I usually look to for comfort is the one making me feel crappy.
2.  My friend's little girl has a diagnosis.  Very rare peripheral T-cell lymphoma.  Rarely found in kids.  Never found in the brain.  I feel sad and paralyzed with not being able to do anything to help.
3.  It's ridiculously cold (school is actually cancelled tomorrow).
4.  I'm starting to get the kids' gunk and feel less than stellar but I have a huge client meeting tomorrow that I CANNOT miss.
5.  Work (see number 4).
6.  Teenage girls are moody, annoying and are excellent at saying mean things that make you feel so very less than.
7.  Still needing to take down Christmas decorations.
8.  After two weeks relatively off from school, sports, etc. we're back to our normal level of crazy.

Things that do NOT suck:
1.  Winning indoor soccer games, scoring tons of goals and having your teammates send sweet emails about your play all day.
2.  A kind therapist named Harriet who also thinks one's spouse is being an ass (see item #1).
3.  6 year olds.
4.  Pulled pork in the croc pot so you don't have to scramble for dinner.
5.  Good music.
6.  Good books.
7.  Internet friends.
8.  Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered pretzels.
9.  Funny texts from good friends.
10.  Having a "things that do NOT suck" list longer than a "things that suck" list.

Mess

Good things about the holidays:
1.  The kids had fun and we managed to get in all of the decorating, gingerbread house making, and tradition making things that make the holiday special in our house.  My boys especially are creatures of habit and like to celebrate the same way and re-tell stories from years' past.
2.  Everyone liked their loot for the most part and I was able to get things purchased and wrapped and under the tree by Christmas morning. Highlights included a Nook for D, DS 3DSXL's for A and L (huge sale on Thanksgiving night), the right clothes for E, and boots for M that she's been pining over.  The gifts shared between the kids were also cute, particularly the Boomslang hotsauce purchased for E by A and M (she's obsessed with hot sauce and puts it on everything).
3.  I pulled off another Christmas eve dinner for my side of the family and it was a nice evening.
4.  Winter break has been a nice respite for everyone.  Lots of movies, games, legos and Just Dance 2014 which has translated in fun all around.
5.  CA let me have the little girls for a weekend.  7 kids was quite the handfull, but we made it work and everyone had fun.  I'm hoping she'll allow more of this.

The bad:
1.  K came home from the stupid trip and acted like nothing happened.  He actually expected me to welcome him with open arms.  Even the kids have kept him at a distance.  His reaction has been typical and grossly immature.  He blames me and had a lovely tirade on New Year's Eve which included him telling me how awful and selfish I am...all in front of the kids.  I don't even know where to go with this.  He's been sleeping in the basement and ignoring all of us since Tuesday.  I'm just too tired and busy to know how to address this.  Frankly, I'm too hurt too.  Sigh.
2. The daughter of my neighborhood friend has continued to worsen without any explanation still.  It's heartbreaking.
3. Everyone in the house except me and E have been sick all week.  I was in urgent care with A yesterday morning thinking it was strep.  Hacking cough, fevers and sore throats all around with varying degress of severity. I'm hoping the last of the fevers were last night with A and L.  I felt good enough about their overall health to sneak out today to the office for a few hours.  A little change of scenary didn't hurt either.
4.  Holidays with the girls still stink.  They struggle to settle into our family routines and lash out at me in particular when they are hurting.  The boys also deesrve to have a regular Christmas and not be dragged into their grief and have their Christmas spirit held hostage by it.  My family also struggles to respect boundaries during this time.  My dad was realy bad with E this year, guilting her into visiting the cemetery on Christmas day when she had pretty much decided just to come to the inlaw's with us.  Then there was little sister S buying M about $400 worth of presents  (each of the cousins does a secret santa) including another new pair of boots.  My heart sunk as she opened up present after present which outdid what Santa provided in our house (seriously, what 13 year old needs 2 $30 jcrew tshirts???).  Throwing money at their guilt doesn't help anything, definitely not M.

I've wanted (needed) to write this out for a few days, but things with K especially have left me raw.  Building lego sets and paper airplanes with L has taken priority.  I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and I certainly look forward to starting a new year.  The current mess that is my life needs a fresh start.

Lost

Feeling lost today.

K left last night on a 4 day bachelor party for a friend that I can't stand (next door neighbor growing up who is 6 years younger and a jerk).

I thought he was leaving on Friday and back Sunday.  He let me know via email yesterday at noon that he was leaving directly after work in order to make it easier on the groom since EVERYONE was going on that flight.

Seems I was also the only one who didn't know it was a cruise to the Bahamas.

My first reaction...anger.  Second reaction...I hope he brought his medicine.  Did he remember block?

He just called and I couldn't even properly articulate how pissed and hurt I am.  I am at work so I can't really cry and scream like I want to.  At least it's behavior I'm used to.  Whenever he knows what he is doing is wrong and selfish, silence is usually his tactic.  Better than having to NOT do what he really wants.  Heck, I want to go on a cruise to the Bahamas, but I could never do that in a million years.

In his heart, I know he is a good man.  He is just sometimes so selfish and never seems to put me first.  He knows I always will get things done and eventually my anger will subside.  I hate being mad at him.  In so many ways, he is just like his dad.  Doing his own thing and always assuming all the fires at the homefront are covered.

Throw into the mix holiday blues with the girls, continued scariness with our neighborhood friend's daughter, stress about getting everything done for Christmas (no shopping done for cousins AT ALL), and K's timing is perfect.

I don't have therapy till Monday and I've found my usual in person outlets absent.  I just needed to get this out and guess what internet friends?  You get my pitiful venting.

I'm tired. I'm sad. I just feel so alone.

Snow Day

Snow is falling.

Laughter can be heard from outside as all five of the kids run around the house chasing each other with snowballs.

Day two of no school meant day two of pancakes made from scratch.

[brief pause as I step away from the computer and this cheerful post to help whoever just came in]

That was D crying because his big brother smashed snow in his face and mulch down his back.

I yelled at A to stop playing and sit on the bench on the front porch in time out like he is 3, sent D up for a shower and insisted to L that he put his hat back on.

Meanwhile, K is outside with all of them ignoring all the fighting because it's easier.

This is the story of our life.  Brief periods of peace followed by chaos.  One parent prefers to stay on the sidelines and not have to be the bad guy.  One parent shoulders it all, while I might add, trying to get some actual work done since the federal government closing doesn't mean I don't have to work a  normal day.

I bet you can also guess who was the one that got all the snow stuff out, doled out boots, hats, gloves and snow pants that fit, and zipped up zippers and tightened boots.

Gotta love a snow day.

The Positive Side of Life

A list of a few positives from the furlough:
1.  K is home when the kids get home from school and he has not only been able to see first hand how hard it is to balance homework help and overall kid management at that time AND he has been able to help the kids with fun subjects life math and science (not my strong suits).

2.  E hit a deer this morning on the way to swim practice (she is fine) and did $3k worth of damage to the car.  Since he was home, K was able to get on the phone quickly to the insurance company and we dropped it off at the garage this morning.

3.  He's been a lot more involved with the kids in general (see #1) and taken a bit of the "I need attention NOW" off of my shoulders.  This has especially been great for L who is often slightly off his dad's radar.

4.  We've talked and laughed tons this week which is good for both of us.  K is a really funny guy and since he's around more his humor has definitely lightened the mood up around here.

5.  Today there were no kids in the house and I had a break before I had to be somewhere and do something and I actually had the energy to fulfill those often neglected wifely duties.  Again good for both of us (wink, wink).

6.  He has gotten a bunch of little stuff done for me that has made my life a little easier in terms of logistics.  In this list, was research on financial aid stuff for E which took a little bit of stress off of her shoulders since she thought she was broke and couldn't pay for college--it is seriously the exact opposite of that. Overall, he has done an exceptional job handling the girls' money and, once again, proved that he (we) made the right decisions with how we are dealing with their finances. 

7. K and D played 18 holes of golf yesterday.  The kids had a half day at school so they took advantage of some nice weather and hit the links.  D needs that extra attention and his dad being home filled that void.

8.  He's been running a few times and I think the exercise has been good for his overall mood.

Don't get me wrong, this is still a pretty stressful situation.  While we don't live paycheck to paycheck, NOT getting paid isn't an ideal situation.  Although we have hope that federal employees will get back pay, it is certainly not a guarantee.  We're both trying, however, to think of this in a positive light and take advantage of at least one of us getting a work break and lowering the stress around here a bit. 

I hate to admit it, but I'm secretly hoping there isn't a miracle deal struck tonight downtown...I've got a few more things on my furlough list that I need to get done.

Bow Chica Bow Whatever...

I apologize to my regular readers who might get a bit squeamish about this post, but I'm going to talk about sex in this one.  Using euphemisms, of course, because at heart I'm still that 14 year old girl in my Catholic school uniform, but I've found myself thinking about K and I in that arena this morning on the way into the office and thought I'd drop a few thoughts down on the old blog.

While K and I often get offline when it comes to logistics, family stuff, etc., we tend to stay on track, if you will, in the bedroom.  I found long ago that when he's happy in that area, he tends to help out a lot more around the house and with the kids. We also tend to be much more connected emotionally when we connect at that more primal level.

K is certainly not a hand holder or overly romantic kind of guy.  He does however like to linger over hugs, though, and simple moments of affection often turn into a grope or need for more on his end. Lately, this drives me bonkers.  Especially if it's when the kids are still up, or when they've all gone to bed and I finally have some physical distance from them.  At this time, I NEED NO ONE TO TOUCH, TALK OR GO ANYWHERE NEAR ME.  I capitalized these last words, because that is often the level of desperation I'm at to have a break from EVERYONE IN OUR FAMILY.

Unfortunately, this includes an often horny, just trying to get a little something, something 44 year old guy.  I totally get that biological need and probably emotional need that he has, but seriously it is usually the exact opposite of what I'm feeling and my response is often not very nice.  When it is nice, it's usually just a promise of "later, after I make lunches, clean the kitchen, fold laundry, get some work done."  By the time my laundry list of stuff gets done, which most times includes watching some escapism tv and reading, I'm physically exhausted.  Even if sex was on my radar, I'm too tired to even roll over.

When I do garner enough energy, I'm always happy I did.  After almost 18 years of marriage that is definitely something we have perfected. I don't want to be an ice queen who often gets to the point that any human touch might send me over the proverbial edge.  And I certainly know the benefits of keeping him happy...the dishwasher gets emptied without asking, dishes get done, his whole demeanor is better.  My focus is most days is on being a good mother, and often my role as wife falls to the bottom of the list.  Sex is a great stress release, but I'm usually too stressed to have sex (if that makes any sense at all).

As I was typing this up, he just sent me a few flirty emails.  Silly stuff, but the first sign in knowing what's coming down the pike later tonight.  Frankly, all I want to do tonight is watch Greys Anatomy and switch off between Elementary and Parenthood while folding laundry.

Wait, isn't there Thursday night football on?  Maybe I'm off the hook :).