Bit #1. I got a weird comment (since deleted) that suggested that I'm not anonymous enough and that this will negatively affect the girls in the future. Nothing about the boys, although a reference to K's work. It has put me a bit off my writing game. I hope that the person who wrote the comment had the best intentions. I found it creepy. I guess I got my first troll. If you are reading this and are said troll, I'm sorry if this is offending you, but your suggestion that my little blog could harm the girls is pretty far-fetched. Of course, it did make me question my blog and whether or not I'm being selfish. A few days of thinking and missing writing hopefully has set me back on course. I'm not going to lie, though, I was rattled.
Bit #2. Today is M's birthday! Yay! She is 14 and such a funny, sweet kid. She has certainly gotten served a rough hand, but she gets up every day and tries. We had a joint family birthday celebration for M and D, our February birthdays, last night for the Super Bowl. The party was a blast and both birthday kids had fun. The highlight of the night was my dad giving D the crossed little league bats he made for him to commemorate his little league career (this spring will be his last little league season since he turns 12). The hand turned "D--- Slugger" bats were amazing. He even put a hook on the box holding the bats for his all-star hat. D and my dad have a tense relationship at times and it was so nice to see D give his grandfather multiple hugs throughout the night thanking him for such a great present.
Bit #3. The further and further we get away from October, November, and December, the easier things seem to be around here. The emotional toll of those months is hard on all of us. It's gotten better each year. I think that my recognition of this is actually a good step in the right direction.
Bit #4. We are going into a tornado of sports activities with the kids in the next 7 weeks. I'm not sure how we're going to get through. Swim meets, basketball playoffs, away soccer tournaments....yikes.
Bit #5. Take bit #4 and add to it science fair for two 8th graders, the state geography bee for one 6th grader and two birthday parties. Can you say stressful?
Bit #6. I talked to my therapist today about trying to admit more to myself that things are going well with all of the kids and that I need to cut myself some slack. This is hard for a bit of a control freak and perfectionist. There is always something that needs to be done around here whether it's laundry, cooking, work, cleaning, driving or just hanging with the kids. I'm not sure how to get to the place where I can be satisfied and proud of what I do get done. And, more importantly, proud of how well our family is doing in the big picture. I tell everyone all the time that our new family is still a work in progress. I need to recognize the real progress that we've made. I'm trying.
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kids. Show all posts
Monday, February 3, 2014
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Index Cards
When I was in college, I used to work on research papers using index cards. Each card represented a different topic or a source with all of the bibliographic information and facts gleaned below. When I'm tackling a really complicated project at work, I often pull out the old index cards to provide a familar comfort and tangible representation of my research and thoughts.
Their use has moved into our family life. The kids use them all the time at school for vocabulary words in spanish and study tools. They become shopping lists, to-do lists and notes of love and support tucked into lunches or taped to the front door for E as she leaves for swimming in the wee dark hours.
For this, our third snow day, the big kids were given online assignment #3 from one of their teachers. The 8th graders also had science fair stuff they could do to get ahead and little L had to fill out an animal report due tomorrow (so funny that he chose a spotted salamander and used as his reference "my brother Aidan"). They also had a few chores to do around the house.
Rather than spend all daybugging gently reminding them to get stuff done, I pulled out my trusty cards. Each kid got a card with their responsibilities for the day. I simply handed them out and told them I expected them to get completed by the end of the day. 15 minutes later I looked up from my laptop and saw A and M quietly working at the table. L asked me a few times how to spell something, but other than that he worked diligently on his report including a detailed drawing with body parts identified. I'm not sure how much D got complete, but he's my guy that always seems to get things done without too much harassing encouragement.
I just sent the 4 little guys off to the sled hill, while E went to a friend's house to make some cheesecakes. Korean barbecue beef is in the croc pot and the house is peacefully quiet. I promised them popcorn and hot cocoa when they get back (it's currently 21 degrees out there so not sure how long they'll last), but for now I'm enjoying the calm.
I'm giving full credit to the index card.
Their use has moved into our family life. The kids use them all the time at school for vocabulary words in spanish and study tools. They become shopping lists, to-do lists and notes of love and support tucked into lunches or taped to the front door for E as she leaves for swimming in the wee dark hours.
For this, our third snow day, the big kids were given online assignment #3 from one of their teachers. The 8th graders also had science fair stuff they could do to get ahead and little L had to fill out an animal report due tomorrow (so funny that he chose a spotted salamander and used as his reference "my brother Aidan"). They also had a few chores to do around the house.
Rather than spend all day
I just sent the 4 little guys off to the sled hill, while E went to a friend's house to make some cheesecakes. Korean barbecue beef is in the croc pot and the house is peacefully quiet. I promised them popcorn and hot cocoa when they get back (it's currently 21 degrees out there so not sure how long they'll last), but for now I'm enjoying the calm.
I'm giving full credit to the index card.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
God Help Us...
...school was just cancelled for tomorrow. Let's hope the temperatures get above 20 so I can send them outside in the snow at least for some sledding and snowboarding.
Kory...I'm thinking some cookies might be on our agenda.
Kory...I'm thinking some cookies might be on our agenda.
A Real Snow Day
I'm supposed to be working right now. Computer on my lap. Ipod in my ears. Work stacked next to me. The heavy snow falling outside, however, is incredibly distracting.
The kids are all home....AGAIN. We just had a 4.5 day weekend. They have been off school in the last month and a half more than at school it seems and this is creating a bit of tension around here. I certainly do love them all, but collectively they are driving me and each other kinda crazy. A bit of a mutual break would be nice.
I totally lost my shit yesterday when I got home from therapy and errands and nobody had eaten and nobody was ready for their respective practices and skateboard trips. This was all despite the fact that another adult was in the house and decided at that point to do some yard work rather than feed the 6 year old and remind the others to get ready. I walked in with a pile of groceries (in anticipation of the current snow storm) and they all decided at that moment to get sometime to eat and talk AT me concurrently. For some reason, I just snapped....literally. I yelled for everyone to get out of the kitchen till I was done putting things away, chastised A for not being able to figure out how to make his own lunch, and barked at E that getting out of the kitchen meant her too since she decided to continue making her lunch (IN MY WAY the entire time)...oh and then she proceeded to eat the soup I had gotten for myself.
I went upstairs after putting everything away, locked the door to my room and sat on my bed with my hands literally shaking. Not sure why I was so pissed. Misdirected anger at K? Too many days together in this house having to feed/entertain/discipline the minions? Tired? Low blood sugar? I'm just a cranky shrew?
The 4 little guys rallied from my little temper tantrum and things were back on even keel the rest of the day. E, however, has been sulking and given me the cold shoulder the last 24 hours. Teenagers sure know how to hold grudges. The irony of all of this being that the day before I had driven her all the way up to University of Maryland (an hour away) to swim one race and she decided to scratch after a bad warm up. Did I complain? Nope, I just said I'm sorry she wasn't feeling up to it and drove home.
I'm going to try to make this snow day (or two given the forecast) to see this as a time of peace and respite. A time of cozy hours on the couch. Warm dinners. Lego building. Book reading. Game playing. Good memory making.
NOT the confining, exhausting trap this house is starting to feel like with all of them home.
The kids are all home....AGAIN. We just had a 4.5 day weekend. They have been off school in the last month and a half more than at school it seems and this is creating a bit of tension around here. I certainly do love them all, but collectively they are driving me and each other kinda crazy. A bit of a mutual break would be nice.
I totally lost my shit yesterday when I got home from therapy and errands and nobody had eaten and nobody was ready for their respective practices and skateboard trips. This was all despite the fact that another adult was in the house and decided at that point to do some yard work rather than feed the 6 year old and remind the others to get ready. I walked in with a pile of groceries (in anticipation of the current snow storm) and they all decided at that moment to get sometime to eat and talk AT me concurrently. For some reason, I just snapped....literally. I yelled for everyone to get out of the kitchen till I was done putting things away, chastised A for not being able to figure out how to make his own lunch, and barked at E that getting out of the kitchen meant her too since she decided to continue making her lunch (IN MY WAY the entire time)...oh and then she proceeded to eat the soup I had gotten for myself.
I went upstairs after putting everything away, locked the door to my room and sat on my bed with my hands literally shaking. Not sure why I was so pissed. Misdirected anger at K? Too many days together in this house having to feed/entertain/discipline the minions? Tired? Low blood sugar? I'm just a cranky shrew?
The 4 little guys rallied from my little temper tantrum and things were back on even keel the rest of the day. E, however, has been sulking and given me the cold shoulder the last 24 hours. Teenagers sure know how to hold grudges. The irony of all of this being that the day before I had driven her all the way up to University of Maryland (an hour away) to swim one race and she decided to scratch after a bad warm up. Did I complain? Nope, I just said I'm sorry she wasn't feeling up to it and drove home.
I'm going to try to make this snow day (or two given the forecast) to see this as a time of peace and respite. A time of cozy hours on the couch. Warm dinners. Lego building. Book reading. Game playing. Good memory making.
NOT the confining, exhausting trap this house is starting to feel like with all of them home.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Things
Things that suck:
1. I am feeling pretty crappy and the person I usually look to for comfort is the one making me feel crappy.
2. My friend's little girl has a diagnosis. Very rare peripheral T-cell lymphoma. Rarely found in kids. Never found in the brain. I feel sad and paralyzed with not being able to do anything to help.
3. It's ridiculously cold (school is actually cancelled tomorrow).
4. I'm starting to get the kids' gunk and feel less than stellar but I have a huge client meeting tomorrow that I CANNOT miss.
5. Work (see number 4).
6. Teenage girls are moody, annoying and are excellent at saying mean things that make you feel so very less than.
7. Still needing to take down Christmas decorations.
8. After two weeks relatively off from school, sports, etc. we're back to our normal level of crazy.
Things that do NOT suck:
1. Winning indoor soccer games, scoring tons of goals and having your teammates send sweet emails about your play all day.
2. A kind therapist named Harriet who also thinks one's spouse is being an ass (see item #1).
3. 6 year olds.
4. Pulled pork in the croc pot so you don't have to scramble for dinner.
5. Good music.
6. Good books.
7. Internet friends.
8. Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered pretzels.
9. Funny texts from good friends.
10. Having a "things that do NOT suck" list longer than a "things that suck" list.
1. I am feeling pretty crappy and the person I usually look to for comfort is the one making me feel crappy.
2. My friend's little girl has a diagnosis. Very rare peripheral T-cell lymphoma. Rarely found in kids. Never found in the brain. I feel sad and paralyzed with not being able to do anything to help.
3. It's ridiculously cold (school is actually cancelled tomorrow).
4. I'm starting to get the kids' gunk and feel less than stellar but I have a huge client meeting tomorrow that I CANNOT miss.
5. Work (see number 4).
6. Teenage girls are moody, annoying and are excellent at saying mean things that make you feel so very less than.
7. Still needing to take down Christmas decorations.
8. After two weeks relatively off from school, sports, etc. we're back to our normal level of crazy.
Things that do NOT suck:
1. Winning indoor soccer games, scoring tons of goals and having your teammates send sweet emails about your play all day.
2. A kind therapist named Harriet who also thinks one's spouse is being an ass (see item #1).
3. 6 year olds.
4. Pulled pork in the croc pot so you don't have to scramble for dinner.
5. Good music.
6. Good books.
7. Internet friends.
8. Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered pretzels.
9. Funny texts from good friends.
10. Having a "things that do NOT suck" list longer than a "things that suck" list.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Mess
Good things about the holidays:
1. The kids had fun and we managed to get in all of the decorating, gingerbread house making, and tradition making things that make the holiday special in our house. My boys especially are creatures of habit and like to celebrate the same way and re-tell stories from years' past.
2. Everyone liked their loot for the most part and I was able to get things purchased and wrapped and under the tree by Christmas morning. Highlights included a Nook for D, DS 3DSXL's for A and L (huge sale on Thanksgiving night), the right clothes for E, and boots for M that she's been pining over. The gifts shared between the kids were also cute, particularly the Boomslang hotsauce purchased for E by A and M (she's obsessed with hot sauce and puts it on everything).
3. I pulled off another Christmas eve dinner for my side of the family and it was a nice evening.
4. Winter break has been a nice respite for everyone. Lots of movies, games, legos and Just Dance 2014 which has translated in fun all around.
5. CA let me have the little girls for a weekend. 7 kids was quite the handfull, but we made it work and everyone had fun. I'm hoping she'll allow more of this.
The bad:
1. K came home from the stupid trip and acted like nothing happened. He actually expected me to welcome him with open arms. Even the kids have kept him at a distance. His reaction has been typical and grossly immature. He blames me and had a lovely tirade on New Year's Eve which included him telling me how awful and selfish I am...all in front of the kids. I don't even know where to go with this. He's been sleeping in the basement and ignoring all of us since Tuesday. I'm just too tired and busy to know how to address this. Frankly, I'm too hurt too. Sigh.
2. The daughter of my neighborhood friend has continued to worsen without any explanation still. It's heartbreaking.
3. Everyone in the house except me and E have been sick all week. I was in urgent care with A yesterday morning thinking it was strep. Hacking cough, fevers and sore throats all around with varying degress of severity. I'm hoping the last of the fevers were last night with A and L. I felt good enough about their overall health to sneak out today to the office for a few hours. A little change of scenary didn't hurt either.
4. Holidays with the girls still stink. They struggle to settle into our family routines and lash out at me in particular when they are hurting. The boys also deesrve to have a regular Christmas and not be dragged into their grief and have their Christmas spirit held hostage by it. My family also struggles to respect boundaries during this time. My dad was realy bad with E this year, guilting her into visiting the cemetery on Christmas day when she had pretty much decided just to come to the inlaw's with us. Then there was little sister S buying M about $400 worth of presents (each of the cousins does a secret santa) including another new pair of boots. My heart sunk as she opened up present after present which outdid what Santa provided in our house (seriously, what 13 year old needs 2 $30 jcrew tshirts???). Throwing money at their guilt doesn't help anything, definitely not M.
I've wanted (needed) to write this out for a few days, but things with K especially have left me raw. Building lego sets and paper airplanes with L has taken priority. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and I certainly look forward to starting a new year. The current mess that is my life needs a fresh start.
1. The kids had fun and we managed to get in all of the decorating, gingerbread house making, and tradition making things that make the holiday special in our house. My boys especially are creatures of habit and like to celebrate the same way and re-tell stories from years' past.
2. Everyone liked their loot for the most part and I was able to get things purchased and wrapped and under the tree by Christmas morning. Highlights included a Nook for D, DS 3DSXL's for A and L (huge sale on Thanksgiving night), the right clothes for E, and boots for M that she's been pining over. The gifts shared between the kids were also cute, particularly the Boomslang hotsauce purchased for E by A and M (she's obsessed with hot sauce and puts it on everything).
3. I pulled off another Christmas eve dinner for my side of the family and it was a nice evening.
4. Winter break has been a nice respite for everyone. Lots of movies, games, legos and Just Dance 2014 which has translated in fun all around.
5. CA let me have the little girls for a weekend. 7 kids was quite the handfull, but we made it work and everyone had fun. I'm hoping she'll allow more of this.
The bad:
1. K came home from the stupid trip and acted like nothing happened. He actually expected me to welcome him with open arms. Even the kids have kept him at a distance. His reaction has been typical and grossly immature. He blames me and had a lovely tirade on New Year's Eve which included him telling me how awful and selfish I am...all in front of the kids. I don't even know where to go with this. He's been sleeping in the basement and ignoring all of us since Tuesday. I'm just too tired and busy to know how to address this. Frankly, I'm too hurt too. Sigh.
2. The daughter of my neighborhood friend has continued to worsen without any explanation still. It's heartbreaking.
3. Everyone in the house except me and E have been sick all week. I was in urgent care with A yesterday morning thinking it was strep. Hacking cough, fevers and sore throats all around with varying degress of severity. I'm hoping the last of the fevers were last night with A and L. I felt good enough about their overall health to sneak out today to the office for a few hours. A little change of scenary didn't hurt either.
4. Holidays with the girls still stink. They struggle to settle into our family routines and lash out at me in particular when they are hurting. The boys also deesrve to have a regular Christmas and not be dragged into their grief and have their Christmas spirit held hostage by it. My family also struggles to respect boundaries during this time. My dad was realy bad with E this year, guilting her into visiting the cemetery on Christmas day when she had pretty much decided just to come to the inlaw's with us. Then there was little sister S buying M about $400 worth of presents (each of the cousins does a secret santa) including another new pair of boots. My heart sunk as she opened up present after present which outdid what Santa provided in our house (seriously, what 13 year old needs 2 $30 jcrew tshirts???). Throwing money at their guilt doesn't help anything, definitely not M.
I've wanted (needed) to write this out for a few days, but things with K especially have left me raw. Building lego sets and paper airplanes with L has taken priority. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and I certainly look forward to starting a new year. The current mess that is my life needs a fresh start.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Snow Day
Snow is falling.
Laughter can be heard from outside as all five of the kids run around the house chasing each other with snowballs.
Day two of no school meant day two of pancakes made from scratch.
[brief pause as I step away from the computer and this cheerful post to help whoever just came in]
That was D crying because his big brother smashed snow in his face and mulch down his back.
I yelled at A to stop playing and sit on the bench on the front porch in time out like he is 3, sent D up for a shower and insisted to L that he put his hat back on.
Meanwhile, K is outside with all of them ignoring all the fighting because it's easier.
This is the story of our life. Brief periods of peace followed by chaos. One parent prefers to stay on the sidelines and not have to be the bad guy. One parent shoulders it all, while I might add, trying to get some actual work done since the federal government closing doesn't mean I don't have to work a normal day.
I bet you can also guess who was the one that got all the snow stuff out, doled out boots, hats, gloves and snow pants that fit, and zipped up zippers and tightened boots.
Gotta love a snow day.
Laughter can be heard from outside as all five of the kids run around the house chasing each other with snowballs.
Day two of no school meant day two of pancakes made from scratch.
[brief pause as I step away from the computer and this cheerful post to help whoever just came in]
That was D crying because his big brother smashed snow in his face and mulch down his back.
I yelled at A to stop playing and sit on the bench on the front porch in time out like he is 3, sent D up for a shower and insisted to L that he put his hat back on.
Meanwhile, K is outside with all of them ignoring all the fighting because it's easier.
This is the story of our life. Brief periods of peace followed by chaos. One parent prefers to stay on the sidelines and not have to be the bad guy. One parent shoulders it all, while I might add, trying to get some actual work done since the federal government closing doesn't mean I don't have to work a normal day.
I bet you can also guess who was the one that got all the snow stuff out, doled out boots, hats, gloves and snow pants that fit, and zipped up zippers and tightened boots.
Gotta love a snow day.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Of Sorts
Sorry about the long pause. I've been out of sorts, as have many around these parts.
The current king of "out of sortness" is A. He's been battling what the doctors think is a virus for about 10 days now which initially manifested itself as hives all over his legs and arms. Then they spread to his torso. Benedryll helped a bit. We went to the doctor and because he had a slight cough they gave him a z-pac. They also tested for mono and strep which both came back negative. That night after the first two antibiotics, the hives spread all over his body and his hands swelled. Benedryll didn't help at all. He was miserable and didn't sleep a wink. We went back in the next day and they decided to stop the z-pac and start him on pregnisone. This made the hives stop almost completely and he seemed a bit better. Then this past Saturday he started feeling worse and was complaining of body aches, nausea and fatigue. This morning I couldn't get him out of bed. Back to the doctor this morning, a flu and another strep test, and the further frustration of not knowing what's going on. He slept all day and I at least got him to eat some soup and drink water. He's currently rolling around on the couch after doing some homework and studying for the geography bee he's supposed to be participating in tomorrow (against his younger brother--hilarious). I hope he feels up to going to school in the morning. I'm hoping a good night's sleep will do the trick. Crossing my fingers.
I have been really out of sorts since Jeanne's birthday and it carried over into my birthday when I passed her in years on earth. That's just all sorts of wrong. I spent the weekend with M at a soccer tournament. I just wanted to be home with my boys.
My out of sorts has led to K being particularly out of sorts. We're in a funk and are both too tired and stressed to even try to bust out of it.
E committed to William and Mary last week which has been all kinds of awesome. How she let us know, and how the other members of our family dealt with the news has been all sorts of annoying. Yet again, something that should be a happy moment for our little (okay not so little) family gets tainted by everyone trying to "own" E and cross the line. In the long run, we're just happy to get to share our alma mater with her and watch her grow in such a cool place.
M...sweet lordie M...has been all kinds of difficult. I am dreading high school. Heck, I'm dreading this week.
D has been on another one of his eating strikes. I try not to fight him on it, but it's so frustrating. He's playing travel basketball now and I worry about him having enough energy.
L is our funny little guy. He's started texting his cousin W on my phone and the conversations are priceless. They love each other very much which warms my heart.
Work is...well work. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be taking a sabbatical from work, but that's not feasible financially, so I continue to try to balance it all and feeling pretty useless on all fronts.
I need to snap out of it. I don't want to repeat the Christmas Funk of 2012.
Fa, la, freaking la.
The current king of "out of sortness" is A. He's been battling what the doctors think is a virus for about 10 days now which initially manifested itself as hives all over his legs and arms. Then they spread to his torso. Benedryll helped a bit. We went to the doctor and because he had a slight cough they gave him a z-pac. They also tested for mono and strep which both came back negative. That night after the first two antibiotics, the hives spread all over his body and his hands swelled. Benedryll didn't help at all. He was miserable and didn't sleep a wink. We went back in the next day and they decided to stop the z-pac and start him on pregnisone. This made the hives stop almost completely and he seemed a bit better. Then this past Saturday he started feeling worse and was complaining of body aches, nausea and fatigue. This morning I couldn't get him out of bed. Back to the doctor this morning, a flu and another strep test, and the further frustration of not knowing what's going on. He slept all day and I at least got him to eat some soup and drink water. He's currently rolling around on the couch after doing some homework and studying for the geography bee he's supposed to be participating in tomorrow (against his younger brother--hilarious). I hope he feels up to going to school in the morning. I'm hoping a good night's sleep will do the trick. Crossing my fingers.
I have been really out of sorts since Jeanne's birthday and it carried over into my birthday when I passed her in years on earth. That's just all sorts of wrong. I spent the weekend with M at a soccer tournament. I just wanted to be home with my boys.
My out of sorts has led to K being particularly out of sorts. We're in a funk and are both too tired and stressed to even try to bust out of it.
E committed to William and Mary last week which has been all kinds of awesome. How she let us know, and how the other members of our family dealt with the news has been all sorts of annoying. Yet again, something that should be a happy moment for our little (okay not so little) family gets tainted by everyone trying to "own" E and cross the line. In the long run, we're just happy to get to share our alma mater with her and watch her grow in such a cool place.
M...sweet lordie M...has been all kinds of difficult. I am dreading high school. Heck, I'm dreading this week.
D has been on another one of his eating strikes. I try not to fight him on it, but it's so frustrating. He's playing travel basketball now and I worry about him having enough energy.
L is our funny little guy. He's started texting his cousin W on my phone and the conversations are priceless. They love each other very much which warms my heart.
Work is...well work. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be taking a sabbatical from work, but that's not feasible financially, so I continue to try to balance it all and feeling pretty useless on all fronts.
I need to snap out of it. I don't want to repeat the Christmas Funk of 2012.
Fa, la, freaking la.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Profound
Profound. (adjective) having or showing great knowledge or understanding; difficult to understand requiring deep thought or wisdom; very strongly felt.
The past week has been an onslaught of profundity. I felt feelings so strong that my body has been wracked with sobs. I have felt feelings of such love my body has felt flush with warmth. I've been intellectually pushed trying to tackle a tough problem at work. I've once again been faced with questions of why and struggled with ways to take pain away from those I love.
This has left me tired. My brain is sludgy. The world seems a bit fuzzy and my bed sounds lovely (ironically this is kinda how the meds made me feel). Given this state, this post is going to have to be a list of randoms who have really nothing in common other that the intensity of the emotions they aroused.
1. Jeanne's birthday this year was really hard. I was on the verge of crying pretty much constantly the day before, the actual day and the day after. The four years since her death are for some reason becoming very real. Next week I'll be older than she was when she died. Sigh.
2. The girls had a rough week too. Poor M finally broke down Wednesday night and cried for about 45 minutes. It upset the entire family. My sweet boys and her loving uncle finally pulled her out of it. E couldn't handle it and proceeded to complain about not having socks and the low sodium ham I bought. Her modus operandi tends to be complaining about laundry, food and mysterious ailments when she can't deal with the heavy emotions coming her way. At least she's consistent.
3. I worked for four straight days (Frid to Mon) all day and till very late at night trying to get a deliverable done. It was really hard work and the response from my boss was less than enthusiastic and we've yet to hear from the client. At least I was working with C on this and I hunkered down on my bed for a change of scenary (and I can close the door). K and A were at a soccer tourney down in Richmond (yay! they won!) so at least I didn't have that distraction.
4. Our 18th anniversary was Monday. See item #3 and you'll understand how our day went. The kids were off from school so he schlepped the boys around to get haircuts, mowed the lawn and brought home pizza for dinner. It sucked. But at the end of the day, this funny, kind and smart guy is still around and we love each other very much. We may not always be able to show each other given the craziness of our life, but I know he will always be there.
5. Tuesday brought parent teacher conferences for the little (or not so little) kids. All four got great report cards for them. M is holding her own somehow and the consistent message I got from her teachers is that she is trying and engaged in the classroom. She tests terribly, but our hope for her to get an education and the grades in the end don't really matter. The tough conference for some reason was little L's. He's doing great in school, but she commented that he seems tired and gets weepy sometimes when things seem hard. She also said we need to read with him more at home. So first my mommy guilt went into overdrive because I don't read to and with him as much as I should. Then I looked at her and explained that he doesn't always get the best sleep. He's in our bed most nights around three. On Sunday night he couldn't get to sleep because he doesn't want to go to heaven. She looked at me blankly. I thought most teachers at the small school we go to knew our whole story. I tried to explain that he still has a lot of anxiety and that the changes in our house still make it hard for him. "Oh, the girls live with you all the time? I thought you shared them or something." Good lord. She quickly said something about him telling the whole class about the balloons and we moved on. It reminded me that while we still live with tragedy everyday, other people just see us as a normal family. This is strangely good and bad.
6. A little girl in our neighborhood was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm friends with her mom and it is rocking out little neighborhood. Surgery was this morning and it went well. We're waiting to hear the results. So sad. So very very sad.
So instead of working for my annoying client I'm sitting her writing a blog post. I wish I had some profound insight into the above list. A nugget of wisdom like those pictures one sees tagged on facebook or pinterest. I got nothing.
The past week has been an onslaught of profundity. I felt feelings so strong that my body has been wracked with sobs. I have felt feelings of such love my body has felt flush with warmth. I've been intellectually pushed trying to tackle a tough problem at work. I've once again been faced with questions of why and struggled with ways to take pain away from those I love.
This has left me tired. My brain is sludgy. The world seems a bit fuzzy and my bed sounds lovely (ironically this is kinda how the meds made me feel). Given this state, this post is going to have to be a list of randoms who have really nothing in common other that the intensity of the emotions they aroused.
1. Jeanne's birthday this year was really hard. I was on the verge of crying pretty much constantly the day before, the actual day and the day after. The four years since her death are for some reason becoming very real. Next week I'll be older than she was when she died. Sigh.
2. The girls had a rough week too. Poor M finally broke down Wednesday night and cried for about 45 minutes. It upset the entire family. My sweet boys and her loving uncle finally pulled her out of it. E couldn't handle it and proceeded to complain about not having socks and the low sodium ham I bought. Her modus operandi tends to be complaining about laundry, food and mysterious ailments when she can't deal with the heavy emotions coming her way. At least she's consistent.
3. I worked for four straight days (Frid to Mon) all day and till very late at night trying to get a deliverable done. It was really hard work and the response from my boss was less than enthusiastic and we've yet to hear from the client. At least I was working with C on this and I hunkered down on my bed for a change of scenary (and I can close the door). K and A were at a soccer tourney down in Richmond (yay! they won!) so at least I didn't have that distraction.
4. Our 18th anniversary was Monday. See item #3 and you'll understand how our day went. The kids were off from school so he schlepped the boys around to get haircuts, mowed the lawn and brought home pizza for dinner. It sucked. But at the end of the day, this funny, kind and smart guy is still around and we love each other very much. We may not always be able to show each other given the craziness of our life, but I know he will always be there.
5. Tuesday brought parent teacher conferences for the little (or not so little) kids. All four got great report cards for them. M is holding her own somehow and the consistent message I got from her teachers is that she is trying and engaged in the classroom. She tests terribly, but our hope for her to get an education and the grades in the end don't really matter. The tough conference for some reason was little L's. He's doing great in school, but she commented that he seems tired and gets weepy sometimes when things seem hard. She also said we need to read with him more at home. So first my mommy guilt went into overdrive because I don't read to and with him as much as I should. Then I looked at her and explained that he doesn't always get the best sleep. He's in our bed most nights around three. On Sunday night he couldn't get to sleep because he doesn't want to go to heaven. She looked at me blankly. I thought most teachers at the small school we go to knew our whole story. I tried to explain that he still has a lot of anxiety and that the changes in our house still make it hard for him. "Oh, the girls live with you all the time? I thought you shared them or something." Good lord. She quickly said something about him telling the whole class about the balloons and we moved on. It reminded me that while we still live with tragedy everyday, other people just see us as a normal family. This is strangely good and bad.
6. A little girl in our neighborhood was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm friends with her mom and it is rocking out little neighborhood. Surgery was this morning and it went well. We're waiting to hear the results. So sad. So very very sad.
So instead of working for my annoying client I'm sitting her writing a blog post. I wish I had some profound insight into the above list. A nugget of wisdom like those pictures one sees tagged on facebook or pinterest. I got nothing.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
October 24, 2013
It came. It was hard. Kids were great, for the most part. I'll explain some of the drama in a later post, but here are some pictures from the day. I think they are some of my best.
Four years. Twenty balloons. And still lots and lots of love
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Dread and Acceptance
The week of dread is upon us.
Thursday is the four year anniversary of the accident. It seems like just yesterday, unimaginable that it's been that long.
The kids are a bit off. We all are. They love the morning when we meet at a local park, eat breakfast. play on the playground and send our balloon messages to heaven. Everyone seems to put all of the underlying tensions aside and just enjoy being together and remembering Jeanne and Mike. I actually look forward to the morning. I spend the morning behind the lens of my camera capturing the day and the love our family holds for each other.
For me, for whatever reason, it's the night before that gets me. As bizarre as this sounds, it feels like the accident is going to happen all over again. The horror and shock.
In my head, I run through all of the images that encapsulate that night and the days and week following. Telling E and M their parents were dead. Holding KT in my arms and picking out the glass from her hair. Coming home to K and sobbing. Scenes from the funeral. Seeing E walk into her parent's room, falling face down on their bed and sobbing...the first time I saw her cry about it. Sitting on the floor outside of 18 month old KT's room listening to her cry for her mommy and not being able to do anything.
The questions come flooding in as well. Did she know what was happening? Why couldn't Mike stay on his side of the road? Was she ever in pain? Does she know we have the girls? Does she know we're doing the best we can? Does she know how often I think of her and how they are never forgotten? Not even for a day. Does she know how much I love her?
Why them? Why us?
There is a bit of a difference this year. I feel the dread, but I know that it will be over soon. I know that we just need to remember and get through. Maybe this is the first step towards acceptance? Acceptance that the accident really happened and that they aren"t coming back. This is it. This is our life.
Strangely this insight makes me feel better like I'm moving the boulder called grief further down the road.
Thursday is the four year anniversary of the accident. It seems like just yesterday, unimaginable that it's been that long.
The kids are a bit off. We all are. They love the morning when we meet at a local park, eat breakfast. play on the playground and send our balloon messages to heaven. Everyone seems to put all of the underlying tensions aside and just enjoy being together and remembering Jeanne and Mike. I actually look forward to the morning. I spend the morning behind the lens of my camera capturing the day and the love our family holds for each other.
For me, for whatever reason, it's the night before that gets me. As bizarre as this sounds, it feels like the accident is going to happen all over again. The horror and shock.
In my head, I run through all of the images that encapsulate that night and the days and week following. Telling E and M their parents were dead. Holding KT in my arms and picking out the glass from her hair. Coming home to K and sobbing. Scenes from the funeral. Seeing E walk into her parent's room, falling face down on their bed and sobbing...the first time I saw her cry about it. Sitting on the floor outside of 18 month old KT's room listening to her cry for her mommy and not being able to do anything.
The questions come flooding in as well. Did she know what was happening? Why couldn't Mike stay on his side of the road? Was she ever in pain? Does she know we have the girls? Does she know we're doing the best we can? Does she know how often I think of her and how they are never forgotten? Not even for a day. Does she know how much I love her?
Why them? Why us?
There is a bit of a difference this year. I feel the dread, but I know that it will be over soon. I know that we just need to remember and get through. Maybe this is the first step towards acceptance? Acceptance that the accident really happened and that they aren"t coming back. This is it. This is our life.
Strangely this insight makes me feel better like I'm moving the boulder called grief further down the road.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Tired
Everything K has done in the last week around the house is been prefaced with a "furlough." He worked on his "furlough grass" and made some not that great "furlough meat loaf" one night for dinner. We add this bit of levity to keep the kids from worrying about things, and to keep the two of us from losing it. K is trying to pick up the slack around here since he is off of work. In some ways it is helpful. Running to the store. Making dinner a few nights last week. Driving kids to practice because he's home. Our family cadence is a bit off around here, though, as we all get used to him stepping in where I usual take charge. Sometimes it's just easier to do it myself when I have to take so much time explaining all the why's and how's involved with keeping the family train on the tracks.
Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest. You have been forewarned.
Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party. D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game. It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.
I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day. I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible. A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously.
Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm. During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about. M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs. She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.
Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed. Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today. My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.
M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it. School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school. It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder. It's not just school. Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability. This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate. I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress. ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination. I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.
All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.
I'm so tired today. Bone tired. The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep. Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression. I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight. If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.
Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest. You have been forewarned.
Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party. D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game. It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.
I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day. I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible. A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously.
Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm. During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about. M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs. She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.
Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed. Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today. My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.
M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it. School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school. It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder. It's not just school. Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability. This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate. I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress. ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination. I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.
All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.
I'm so tired today. Bone tired. The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep. Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression. I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight. If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Sad and Glad
This Saturday the girls and I are going with my mother-in-law and niece to a Sound of Music sing along at a local amphitheater. It's this awesome place where people picnic on the lawn (although we got seats in the covered area too just in case it rains). Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies of all time and we regularly sing the songs around our house inserting our own lyrics. One of our favorites: "How do you solve a problem like D!"
Inspired by our outing on Saturday, here are a list of things that are currently making me sad and glad (with pictures)...
Sad
1. Syria, chemical weapons, and the prospect of military intervention.
2. Cancer diagnosis for one of sister S's good friends who has two small children.
3. L having a hard time this week talking tons about himself dying and people he loves dying.
4. Sister CA continues to make ridiculous decisions which pull the little girls away from our family and their sisters.
5. Having frank conversations about #4 with E and M.
6. Passing the cemetery 8 times in the last 2 days and just wanting to pick up the phone and call my big sister.
Glad
1. We had a pretty good summer.
3. School started this week and the transition was a lot smoother than I anticipated (left to right...D in 6th, L in 1st and A and M in 8th).
4. Six year olds totally rock. Nuff said.
Inspired by our outing on Saturday, here are a list of things that are currently making me sad and glad (with pictures)...
Sad
1. Syria, chemical weapons, and the prospect of military intervention.
2. Cancer diagnosis for one of sister S's good friends who has two small children.
3. L having a hard time this week talking tons about himself dying and people he loves dying.
4. Sister CA continues to make ridiculous decisions which pull the little girls away from our family and their sisters.
5. Having frank conversations about #4 with E and M.
6. Passing the cemetery 8 times in the last 2 days and just wanting to pick up the phone and call my big sister.
Glad
1. We had a pretty good summer.
2. Casts are off, bones are healed and somebody is back to skateboarding.
3. School started this week and the transition was a lot smoother than I anticipated (left to right...D in 6th, L in 1st and A and M in 8th).
4. Six year olds totally rock. Nuff said.
5. Eleven year olds also have their moments too.
6. I have really great friends who showed up at our house at 9:15 last night after a trip to Williamsburg with a jar of house dressing and two bags of bread ends.
7. New books by some of my favorite authors who provide exactly the kind of break I need each night.
8. New music by some of my favorite bands (yay the new Franz Ferdinand came out!!) which never ceases to give me the pick me up I need to get through our chaotic day.
I really can't wait for Sound of Music on Saturday. I'll be "high on a hill was a lonely goatherd" with the rest of the crowd and will try my best not to embarrass the girls by getting teared up on Edelweiss.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Whew!
This post is not to brag or intended to be a whine fest about how much we had going on in this house the last two days. However, I would like to document somewhere the feat that was accomplished this weekend.
(drum roll)
We had 11 soccer games this weekend...6 on Saturday, and 5 on Sunday. Saturday included one 8am game and Sunday include three 8am games. For each of these games, the kids had to be there 45 minutes early for warm ups.
Throughout all of this, kids needed to be fed and hydrated and on Saturday night three uniforms and one coaching uniform needed to be washed. A certain 17 year old had to be given loads of attention because she wasn't the focus this weekend. A certain 6 year old had to be entertained and convinced that 6 hours on a soccer field was fun and exciting. The same child also needed to constantly be supplied with snacks and drinks to maintain the enthusiasm. Two sets of grandparents also had to be coordinated with so they knew when and where all the games were.
Oh, and on Friday night I had to make a pasta dish (whipped up my pesto and penne with grilled chicken, tomatoes and artichokes) for a pot luck for M's new team AND sit around for 3 hours making small talk with parents and explain to them how I'm M's aunt and we have two 13 year olds and NO they are not twins.
AND on Saturday night K and I went to Jimmy Buffet. Was this the smartest thing to do? No, but we agreed to go with a bunch of friends months ago. Do I really like Buffet and did I want to go? Not really, but K really wanted to go and it was nice to see friends--even if they were ridiculously drunk. There is definitely nothing like being one of a few sober people amongst thousands and wishing fervently that I was home in bed with my book. I was proud of myself for faking it, though, and trying to have a good time.
Oh, and we did make it to 5pm mass yesterday. And I washed and folded three loads of laundry.
Did I mention I was on a soccer field at 7:15 am Sunday morning?
Applause may now commence. I am still standing in disbelief that we actually made it through.
(drum roll)
We had 11 soccer games this weekend...6 on Saturday, and 5 on Sunday. Saturday included one 8am game and Sunday include three 8am games. For each of these games, the kids had to be there 45 minutes early for warm ups.
Throughout all of this, kids needed to be fed and hydrated and on Saturday night three uniforms and one coaching uniform needed to be washed. A certain 17 year old had to be given loads of attention because she wasn't the focus this weekend. A certain 6 year old had to be entertained and convinced that 6 hours on a soccer field was fun and exciting. The same child also needed to constantly be supplied with snacks and drinks to maintain the enthusiasm. Two sets of grandparents also had to be coordinated with so they knew when and where all the games were.
Oh, and on Friday night I had to make a pasta dish (whipped up my pesto and penne with grilled chicken, tomatoes and artichokes) for a pot luck for M's new team AND sit around for 3 hours making small talk with parents and explain to them how I'm M's aunt and we have two 13 year olds and NO they are not twins.
AND on Saturday night K and I went to Jimmy Buffet. Was this the smartest thing to do? No, but we agreed to go with a bunch of friends months ago. Do I really like Buffet and did I want to go? Not really, but K really wanted to go and it was nice to see friends--even if they were ridiculously drunk. There is definitely nothing like being one of a few sober people amongst thousands and wishing fervently that I was home in bed with my book. I was proud of myself for faking it, though, and trying to have a good time.
Oh, and we did make it to 5pm mass yesterday. And I washed and folded three loads of laundry.
Did I mention I was on a soccer field at 7:15 am Sunday morning?
Applause may now commence. I am still standing in disbelief that we actually made it through.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Well...
...where have I been? I want to write. I need to write. I just haven't gotten the right time or mental space to put words to paper (or screen). In many respects, life around these parts has been "the same 'ole, same 'ole" mish mash of drama, normal, busy everyday life stuff for a family of 7. Here are some brief snippets:
1. Last week we went to Hilton Head, SC for a family vacation (just the 7 of us). It was a great week. The weather was gorgeous. The kids all had a blast (even E). We went to Savannah for the first time. It was fun to explore a new city together. Lots of gator spotting, turtle and anole catching and most importantly for all of us...good eating. K and I worked hard to make sure the kids knew this was a vacation for us too and tried to sleep in and not stress to much about how or when to feed the minions. He and I had a great week as a couple, reconnecting and having fun away from the normal stress. D got a pretty nasty jellyfish sting, which is still pretty inflamed a week later, but thank goodness this year we made it through injury free. I'll post pictures when I get a chance to download them off the camera.
2. School starts for our kids on August 26th. All of them are in pretty important grades this year. E being a senior and A and M in 8th grade, which is the last year at our school. D starts middle school and L will be in first grade. It's going to be an interesting juggling act to make sure they are all getting the attention they need. We are certainly not ready to go back, but I still have some time.
3. L has his first baseball practice today. He is soooo excited. It was the first thing he told the dentist yesterday. He is actually going to be on his cousin W's team with my brother-in-law (C's husband) as an assistant. We can walk to practice from our house and the head coach and one other player actually live on our street. Logistically this very easy, even though we're adding another practice to our schedule (he also plays soccer). We practiced last night with his new glove and I was once again reminded what an athletic little guy he is.
4. We went to CA's cabin in West Virginia for the day before the HH trip with everyone but M (who was at soccer camp). It was a really nice day for the most part. CA is much more relaxed in her own element. The boys had a great time--swimming in the lake, catching newts (a new species for A) and fence lizards, and smores. E was quiet and pretty moody. I just ignored it and tried not to let it effect the rest of us. In many ways I don't blame her...none of us really like her sisters with CA. Sigh.
5. Speaking of soccer camp, M went for 5 days with her new soccer team (we moved her to one closer to us--same club as boys). It was a much needed break for the rest of us. The boys were so cute dropping her off. D even gave her a hug and told her he loved her. L wouldn't let go of her legs. There were also bit of a celebration when she got home with lots of "I missed you so much" getting tossed around. I need to remind them all of this when they are at each other's throats in the future.
6. We finally have a diagnosis I think for my mom. She's actually meeting with the neurosurgeon as I'm writing this. They think her shunt system for her arnold chiari (put in 20 years ago) isn't working properly and is draining away too much spinal fluid, decreasing the amount around her brain. The doctors are pretty confident they can fix it. Crossing my fingers, but I'm really hoping to get normal mom back. She is understandably really nervous.
7. We are trying some new things with M this fall to deal with her anxiety and ADHD. It sounds counterintuitive, but we're actually reducing her therapy to every other week and dropping her tutoring to an "as needed" basis. The extra time after school was really stressing everyone, especially her out. I am going to really press school for better test taking accomodations for her. Both her therapist and tutur think it's a good idea, so we'll see. I'm hoping things with her will get better emotionally. We've been dealing with a lot of fake illnesses and injuries again. It's very tiring and the boys are starting to call her out on it, which isn't good.
8. How am I? I don't really know. I'm been having problems sleeping again, even on vacation, when I wake up in the middle of the night with major anxiety about all of our family issues--head racing, major butterflies in stomach and nausea. I'm trying hard to be more patient with the kids and K. I'm tired all the time and aren't necessarily eating well again. I still think about the accident and Jeanne a lot. My grief is still filled with anger, despair, pain and confusion. I still find myself crying during songs in the car. I miss my sister.
On the positive, though, I continue to get through life. We are still functioning as a family and for the most part, our house is filled with laughter and love. This is our life. This is my life. I just have to deal with everything the best I can.
1. Last week we went to Hilton Head, SC for a family vacation (just the 7 of us). It was a great week. The weather was gorgeous. The kids all had a blast (even E). We went to Savannah for the first time. It was fun to explore a new city together. Lots of gator spotting, turtle and anole catching and most importantly for all of us...good eating. K and I worked hard to make sure the kids knew this was a vacation for us too and tried to sleep in and not stress to much about how or when to feed the minions. He and I had a great week as a couple, reconnecting and having fun away from the normal stress. D got a pretty nasty jellyfish sting, which is still pretty inflamed a week later, but thank goodness this year we made it through injury free. I'll post pictures when I get a chance to download them off the camera.
2. School starts for our kids on August 26th. All of them are in pretty important grades this year. E being a senior and A and M in 8th grade, which is the last year at our school. D starts middle school and L will be in first grade. It's going to be an interesting juggling act to make sure they are all getting the attention they need. We are certainly not ready to go back, but I still have some time.
3. L has his first baseball practice today. He is soooo excited. It was the first thing he told the dentist yesterday. He is actually going to be on his cousin W's team with my brother-in-law (C's husband) as an assistant. We can walk to practice from our house and the head coach and one other player actually live on our street. Logistically this very easy, even though we're adding another practice to our schedule (he also plays soccer). We practiced last night with his new glove and I was once again reminded what an athletic little guy he is.
4. We went to CA's cabin in West Virginia for the day before the HH trip with everyone but M (who was at soccer camp). It was a really nice day for the most part. CA is much more relaxed in her own element. The boys had a great time--swimming in the lake, catching newts (a new species for A) and fence lizards, and smores. E was quiet and pretty moody. I just ignored it and tried not to let it effect the rest of us. In many ways I don't blame her...none of us really like her sisters with CA. Sigh.
5. Speaking of soccer camp, M went for 5 days with her new soccer team (we moved her to one closer to us--same club as boys). It was a much needed break for the rest of us. The boys were so cute dropping her off. D even gave her a hug and told her he loved her. L wouldn't let go of her legs. There were also bit of a celebration when she got home with lots of "I missed you so much" getting tossed around. I need to remind them all of this when they are at each other's throats in the future.
6. We finally have a diagnosis I think for my mom. She's actually meeting with the neurosurgeon as I'm writing this. They think her shunt system for her arnold chiari (put in 20 years ago) isn't working properly and is draining away too much spinal fluid, decreasing the amount around her brain. The doctors are pretty confident they can fix it. Crossing my fingers, but I'm really hoping to get normal mom back. She is understandably really nervous.
7. We are trying some new things with M this fall to deal with her anxiety and ADHD. It sounds counterintuitive, but we're actually reducing her therapy to every other week and dropping her tutoring to an "as needed" basis. The extra time after school was really stressing everyone, especially her out. I am going to really press school for better test taking accomodations for her. Both her therapist and tutur think it's a good idea, so we'll see. I'm hoping things with her will get better emotionally. We've been dealing with a lot of fake illnesses and injuries again. It's very tiring and the boys are starting to call her out on it, which isn't good.
8. How am I? I don't really know. I'm been having problems sleeping again, even on vacation, when I wake up in the middle of the night with major anxiety about all of our family issues--head racing, major butterflies in stomach and nausea. I'm trying hard to be more patient with the kids and K. I'm tired all the time and aren't necessarily eating well again. I still think about the accident and Jeanne a lot. My grief is still filled with anger, despair, pain and confusion. I still find myself crying during songs in the car. I miss my sister.
On the positive, though, I continue to get through life. We are still functioning as a family and for the most part, our house is filled with laughter and love. This is our life. This is my life. I just have to deal with everything the best I can.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Brain Dump
I've been a bit absent on the blog of late due to many reasons. The main one being life. It's mostly the good kinda busy. Paid work, family work and sprinklings of fun. To catch everyone up, here's a list:
1. We went to the beach. It was mostly fun. Weather was bad. K and D missed most of it due to all-star baseball. That kinda sucked. I missed both of them and single parenting at the beach was tough. To make up for D missing the beach, K is bringing the big boys to a "boys" weekend. Good for them, but I'll miss them. I don't like the split vacations and it's another reminder that without the girls we wouldn't be doing it.
2. A got his cast off yesterday. Yay! He's walking funny still and has to do some therapy, but we're hoping he'll be back to normal activities in a few weeks. Hopefully good as new by our vacation in Hilton Head and back on the soccer field in mid-August.
3. The girls are, well, the girls. My new easy breezy approach is helping a bit. I'm starting to come to the realization that my ability to to teach, shape or mold their lives may be limited. In lots of ways, they came to us already formed and while those personalities often clash with our family, accepting it's not our fault feels better. A little less guilt is always a good thing.
4. I hate swim team. It does not gel with our family. But the girls swim and it's been a great way for them to make friends and become part of our neighborhood. I'm trying to help when I can, but in general I find it one step too far. Only 3 weeks left including divisionals and all-stars so I see the end in sight.
5. K's relationship with M has really been going well. His relationship with E has pretty much stayed the same. They speak to each other only when necessary and it's usually prompted by him with 2-3 words responses from E. He has never tried to replace her dad. It's sad to see how she keeps him at such a distance.
6. The neurologist does not think my mom has Parkinson's. My dad sounded upset by this since I think he wanted a magic pill to make things better. She goes for more tests this week. I feel really bad for her. I feel really bad for both of them.
7. I helped sister C with her twins' 7th birthday party last weekend. It was a beach theme and loads of fun. I didn't have the time to help, but doing it made me feel good. L had an awesome time at the party. The highlight was giving them their "very own" chess set after he taught both of them to play last week. I love cousin love.
8. Last week L and D walked directly into a wasp nest during one of our "herping with A" outings. One sting for L and about 15 for D. It was really scary and painful for both of them. A seemed more concerned that he missed getting the two ring-necked snakes he had caught on film. Love the brotherly love.
9. It's finally nice and hot in these parts so we spent lots of time at the pool the last two days. L's swimming is coming right along. C's and her kids came with us yesterday and the cousin peer pressure enticed all the kids to up their swimming prowess.
10. Lots of college stuff going on with E. Coaches are calling which is really cool. Her leading schools so far are William and Mary, Bucknell, Rice and still Navy. Class rankings just came out, so with her number one ranking, awesome SAT scores, five 5's on her AP exams and her grades, the sky is the limit. The trick is finding the academic fit with someplace she can swim. At times the thought of her going away to college is overwhelming. At other times it's freeing. Complicated feelings to say the least.
1. We went to the beach. It was mostly fun. Weather was bad. K and D missed most of it due to all-star baseball. That kinda sucked. I missed both of them and single parenting at the beach was tough. To make up for D missing the beach, K is bringing the big boys to a "boys" weekend. Good for them, but I'll miss them. I don't like the split vacations and it's another reminder that without the girls we wouldn't be doing it.
2. A got his cast off yesterday. Yay! He's walking funny still and has to do some therapy, but we're hoping he'll be back to normal activities in a few weeks. Hopefully good as new by our vacation in Hilton Head and back on the soccer field in mid-August.
3. The girls are, well, the girls. My new easy breezy approach is helping a bit. I'm starting to come to the realization that my ability to to teach, shape or mold their lives may be limited. In lots of ways, they came to us already formed and while those personalities often clash with our family, accepting it's not our fault feels better. A little less guilt is always a good thing.
4. I hate swim team. It does not gel with our family. But the girls swim and it's been a great way for them to make friends and become part of our neighborhood. I'm trying to help when I can, but in general I find it one step too far. Only 3 weeks left including divisionals and all-stars so I see the end in sight.
5. K's relationship with M has really been going well. His relationship with E has pretty much stayed the same. They speak to each other only when necessary and it's usually prompted by him with 2-3 words responses from E. He has never tried to replace her dad. It's sad to see how she keeps him at such a distance.
6. The neurologist does not think my mom has Parkinson's. My dad sounded upset by this since I think he wanted a magic pill to make things better. She goes for more tests this week. I feel really bad for her. I feel really bad for both of them.
7. I helped sister C with her twins' 7th birthday party last weekend. It was a beach theme and loads of fun. I didn't have the time to help, but doing it made me feel good. L had an awesome time at the party. The highlight was giving them their "very own" chess set after he taught both of them to play last week. I love cousin love.
8. Last week L and D walked directly into a wasp nest during one of our "herping with A" outings. One sting for L and about 15 for D. It was really scary and painful for both of them. A seemed more concerned that he missed getting the two ring-necked snakes he had caught on film. Love the brotherly love.
9. It's finally nice and hot in these parts so we spent lots of time at the pool the last two days. L's swimming is coming right along. C's and her kids came with us yesterday and the cousin peer pressure enticed all the kids to up their swimming prowess.
10. Lots of college stuff going on with E. Coaches are calling which is really cool. Her leading schools so far are William and Mary, Bucknell, Rice and still Navy. Class rankings just came out, so with her number one ranking, awesome SAT scores, five 5's on her AP exams and her grades, the sky is the limit. The trick is finding the academic fit with someplace she can swim. At times the thought of her going away to college is overwhelming. At other times it's freeing. Complicated feelings to say the least.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Keep on Trucking
He may have a broken ankle,but A is still cranking out some awesome videos. I love that he's still trying to be creative even though he can't get on a board. Check it out!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S5IHyXEcwM
On other fronts:
--D hit his first home run at baseball practice the other night. He was thrilled. It was so cute watching one of his friends run over, jump the fence and retrieve the ball for him. It's signed, dated, and sitting on his desk.
--We leave for the beach tomorrow. Mixed feelings about the trip. Good to be at beach, but it often brings out the worst in the girls. We'll see.
--I had major meltdown last night trying to keep a handle on everything I have on my plate. Swim team volunteering is killing me. I know I need to let it go, but the guilt being slung at me from the girls and the head of the team is driving me insane.
--I think I have to give up my therapist. K is giving me a hard time about the expense of it since it's not covered by insurance. Arguing about this was the beginning of the meltdown.
--My mom is not doing well at all. My dad is convinced it's Parkinson's now. She fell yesterday. I feel numb by it all. I just can't let myself go there yet. She sees a neurologist on July 11. My dad is feeling very anxious lately (without admitting it of course) and it driving all of us crazy. Yesterday he told E she can't go far away for college because K and I aren't going to be able to go to parent's weekend so he'll have to go. I kept my cool, but felt like dropping a giant expletive in his direction.
--I guess I'm just feeling a bit adrift. I went to bed feeling awful and woke up feeling awful. I just can't seem to get a handle of everything and balls are dropping. I think I need to take a lesson from my awesome rock star A and try to keep on trucking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4S5IHyXEcwM
On other fronts:
--D hit his first home run at baseball practice the other night. He was thrilled. It was so cute watching one of his friends run over, jump the fence and retrieve the ball for him. It's signed, dated, and sitting on his desk.
--We leave for the beach tomorrow. Mixed feelings about the trip. Good to be at beach, but it often brings out the worst in the girls. We'll see.
--I had major meltdown last night trying to keep a handle on everything I have on my plate. Swim team volunteering is killing me. I know I need to let it go, but the guilt being slung at me from the girls and the head of the team is driving me insane.
--I think I have to give up my therapist. K is giving me a hard time about the expense of it since it's not covered by insurance. Arguing about this was the beginning of the meltdown.
--My mom is not doing well at all. My dad is convinced it's Parkinson's now. She fell yesterday. I feel numb by it all. I just can't let myself go there yet. She sees a neurologist on July 11. My dad is feeling very anxious lately (without admitting it of course) and it driving all of us crazy. Yesterday he told E she can't go far away for college because K and I aren't going to be able to go to parent's weekend so he'll have to go. I kept my cool, but felt like dropping a giant expletive in his direction.
--I guess I'm just feeling a bit adrift. I went to bed feeling awful and woke up feeling awful. I just can't seem to get a handle of everything and balls are dropping. I think I need to take a lesson from my awesome rock star A and try to keep on trucking.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Wound
I am wound so tight tonight. I can feel the tension from the top of my head through my jaws and into the pit of my stomach. I'm not really sure why I'm so out of sorts.
On Friday, just minutes before he was to compete in his only skateboarding contest of the year, A landed wrong on one of his signature tricks and sprained his ankle. He was devastated and seeing him so upset brought tears to my own eyes. He works so hard at his skating and once we decided he couldn't compete, watching boys skate who aren't even close to him in skill made it even worse. We took his sock off when we got home to ice it and immediately decided a trip to the ER was in order as his ankle was the size of a grapefruit. 3.5 hours later we left with crutches and a cast with instructions to visit the orthopedist in a few days. Typical A, he was all doom and gloom at first since we leave for the beach in a week and stay next to a skate park. By today, he was researching herping spots at the beach and thinking about other fun stuff to do. We see the ortho in the morning, so I'm hopeful the cast will come off and he'll only have to wear a brace.
CA, KM and the little girls were at the skatefest. I invited them to come to support A and spend some time together in a neutral place. It was strange and awful all wrapped into one. KT told me aunt C was CA's favorite sister and asked was I a sister? Then CA told A some ridiculous lie about being once being sponsored by a skateboard company. The cherry on top was CA screeching at MG at one point that was awkward and cringe worthy. Sigh. I don't have the words.
I also got to play soccer this weekend in a local tournament. It was so much fun. I was out of the house both days for several hours and although kids didn't get fed and a certain 17 year old was mad at me for (God forbid) making her go to the used book sale by herself, it was totally worth it. My dad even came to my afternoon game on Saturday and the final on Sunday. I was seriously rusty and out of shape, but had so much fun. In between games, there were great talks and laughs and doing something I know I do well, with people I like was awesome. I can barely move today and my feet are killing me because I haven't worn cleats in months. The pain, though, is a gentle reminder of the old Peg. Somehow I need to find her more often.
The girls have been an absolute handful all weekend. When E is hurting she lashes out on all of us, even little L. When M is hurting, she gets manic and difficult and just plain weird. It's often hard to know what is going on with them. Not enough attention? Too much attention on A or one of the other boys? Who knows? It's like getting slowly beaten to death by marshmallows every day. The little annoyances aren't that bad individually, but together they are crushing me. Crushing us.
The new project at work is also going to be pretty stressful. Interesting, and maybe even a little fun, but tons of work which makes me really nervous about how I'm going to make everything click at home and in the office.
I don't know where I'm going with this post. Maybe I thought typing the words on the screen would take away the pressure. I think it's coming off more like a bit of a pity party. Is it possible to love your life and want to change it all at the same time?
On Friday, just minutes before he was to compete in his only skateboarding contest of the year, A landed wrong on one of his signature tricks and sprained his ankle. He was devastated and seeing him so upset brought tears to my own eyes. He works so hard at his skating and once we decided he couldn't compete, watching boys skate who aren't even close to him in skill made it even worse. We took his sock off when we got home to ice it and immediately decided a trip to the ER was in order as his ankle was the size of a grapefruit. 3.5 hours later we left with crutches and a cast with instructions to visit the orthopedist in a few days. Typical A, he was all doom and gloom at first since we leave for the beach in a week and stay next to a skate park. By today, he was researching herping spots at the beach and thinking about other fun stuff to do. We see the ortho in the morning, so I'm hopeful the cast will come off and he'll only have to wear a brace.
CA, KM and the little girls were at the skatefest. I invited them to come to support A and spend some time together in a neutral place. It was strange and awful all wrapped into one. KT told me aunt C was CA's favorite sister and asked was I a sister? Then CA told A some ridiculous lie about being once being sponsored by a skateboard company. The cherry on top was CA screeching at MG at one point that was awkward and cringe worthy. Sigh. I don't have the words.
I also got to play soccer this weekend in a local tournament. It was so much fun. I was out of the house both days for several hours and although kids didn't get fed and a certain 17 year old was mad at me for (God forbid) making her go to the used book sale by herself, it was totally worth it. My dad even came to my afternoon game on Saturday and the final on Sunday. I was seriously rusty and out of shape, but had so much fun. In between games, there were great talks and laughs and doing something I know I do well, with people I like was awesome. I can barely move today and my feet are killing me because I haven't worn cleats in months. The pain, though, is a gentle reminder of the old Peg. Somehow I need to find her more often.
The girls have been an absolute handful all weekend. When E is hurting she lashes out on all of us, even little L. When M is hurting, she gets manic and difficult and just plain weird. It's often hard to know what is going on with them. Not enough attention? Too much attention on A or one of the other boys? Who knows? It's like getting slowly beaten to death by marshmallows every day. The little annoyances aren't that bad individually, but together they are crushing me. Crushing us.
The new project at work is also going to be pretty stressful. Interesting, and maybe even a little fun, but tons of work which makes me really nervous about how I'm going to make everything click at home and in the office.
I don't know where I'm going with this post. Maybe I thought typing the words on the screen would take away the pressure. I think it's coming off more like a bit of a pity party. Is it possible to love your life and want to change it all at the same time?
Monday, June 17, 2013
In the Moment
Today was our first real day of summer vacation.
I decided when I went to bed last night that I needed a refresh after a tense weekend of too many activities and a holiday that on one hand needs to be celebrated, but on the other hand is done with a whisper and sensitivity to those missing the reason for the holiday. Needless to say, it was a rough one around these parts.
I decided we'd do an afternoon hike to a local regional park which is one of A's favorites.
Within minutes of leaving the parking lot, I could feel the worries and tension leaving all of us. The start of the trail is a dried up creek bed that winds it's way down to the river. The hike down consisted of the kids alternating between skipping ahead, stopping to investigate something or laughing with each other.
I found myself trying to stop and live in those exact moments. Notice everything and just be...
A's enthusiasm in his search for lizards and amphibians.
L's non-stop conversation and insistence that he wait for me so I wouldn't "be lonely."
M acting like a kid and not worrying about life.
D running ahead as our scout and yelling happily to A when he saw a skink.
The sun filtering through the leaves and the sounds of the rushing water.
Giggles from the kids.
I loved today. I love how much fun the kids had without computers, play dates, practices, or the TV. I loved being with A and doing something he truly loves and how easily his knowledge and enthusiasm drew the other kids in. I loved how L pointed out all of the cicadas, millipedes and beetles for me and telling to me how much he wants to be an entomologist because he wants to be like his big brother, but not EXACTLY like his brother.
As we walked back up to the car, we all decided that next time we're going to pack a picnic lunch and stay longer. They decided that the little cousins should come too. I love how they all wanted to do it again soon, and wanted to share it with their cousins.
The afternoon was topped off with some ice cream at our favorite local joint in the quaint town near the park. It was a great afternoon and I look forward to more like it this summer. We certainly all needed it.
I decided when I went to bed last night that I needed a refresh after a tense weekend of too many activities and a holiday that on one hand needs to be celebrated, but on the other hand is done with a whisper and sensitivity to those missing the reason for the holiday. Needless to say, it was a rough one around these parts.
I decided we'd do an afternoon hike to a local regional park which is one of A's favorites.
Within minutes of leaving the parking lot, I could feel the worries and tension leaving all of us. The start of the trail is a dried up creek bed that winds it's way down to the river. The hike down consisted of the kids alternating between skipping ahead, stopping to investigate something or laughing with each other.
I found myself trying to stop and live in those exact moments. Notice everything and just be...
A's enthusiasm in his search for lizards and amphibians.
L's non-stop conversation and insistence that he wait for me so I wouldn't "be lonely."
M acting like a kid and not worrying about life.
D running ahead as our scout and yelling happily to A when he saw a skink.
The sun filtering through the leaves and the sounds of the rushing water.
Giggles from the kids.
I loved today. I love how much fun the kids had without computers, play dates, practices, or the TV. I loved being with A and doing something he truly loves and how easily his knowledge and enthusiasm drew the other kids in. I loved how L pointed out all of the cicadas, millipedes and beetles for me and telling to me how much he wants to be an entomologist because he wants to be like his big brother, but not EXACTLY like his brother.
As we walked back up to the car, we all decided that next time we're going to pack a picnic lunch and stay longer. They decided that the little cousins should come too. I love how they all wanted to do it again soon, and wanted to share it with their cousins.
The afternoon was topped off with some ice cream at our favorite local joint in the quaint town near the park. It was a great afternoon and I look forward to more like it this summer. We certainly all needed it.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Priorities
I'm working on a project at work that looks at decision making and how a certain federal agency measures "fuzzy" concepts and how that effects its ability to prioritize resources in a budget reduced environment. We're looking at other disciplines (psychology, sociology, conflict resolution and peace building) to see if any measurement methods could be applied. I was thinking about work this morning as I drove in and it got me thinking about how I make decisions during to day.
It is a constant struggle of prioritization.
Some decisions are easy. Feeding the kids or scrolling through facebook. Obviously the minions must be fed. Go to my own soccer game or watch D play baseball. D is going to rank on top every time.
Some are a lot trickier. Read to L or listen to E vent about her day. Fold laundry or watch A skate. Sleep or spend quality time with K. Get some work done or do dishes or help M with homework or do all of the million logistics things that come with parenting (make appointments, talk to therapists, fill out forms, make lunches, etc. etc. etc.).
Among the five kids, some of them tend to get prioritized higher. The girls and D usually win out because they are the loudest and most demanding with their needs. A is a pretty quiet kid and doesn't complain too much (especially if he is being fed---see decision number one above). He regularly puts others' needs ahead of himself. L, being the youngest, is also a pretty "go with the flow" kind of guy. He is easily distracted by his DS or legos or drawing pad so I can deal with the more pressing need. Actually, as I was writing this, it dawned on me that A and L usually gravitate to each other during the day, cosed up next to each other playing angry birds or skateboarding together.
My therapist and I have talked a lot about shifting the dynamic in our family and trying to even things out. I remember writing a while back about thinking of each of the kids as banks and trying to make a deposit each day. When I really look at it, however, I certainly spend a significant amount of time making deposits with the girls. As individuals they are so demanding and, M in particular, needs so much support and help. I know this makes sense. They both have issues with attachment and feeling secure in our family and in my love.
I'm not sure, though, about the long term impact this will have on both the girls and the boys (especially my two chill guys). I worry about this. I worry about making the right decisions and whether I'm using all the tools (methods) I have to make sure all their needs are met. There is only one of me and just like the problem we're addressing at work, there is only some much to go around.
It is a constant struggle of prioritization.
Some decisions are easy. Feeding the kids or scrolling through facebook. Obviously the minions must be fed. Go to my own soccer game or watch D play baseball. D is going to rank on top every time.
Some are a lot trickier. Read to L or listen to E vent about her day. Fold laundry or watch A skate. Sleep or spend quality time with K. Get some work done or do dishes or help M with homework or do all of the million logistics things that come with parenting (make appointments, talk to therapists, fill out forms, make lunches, etc. etc. etc.).
Among the five kids, some of them tend to get prioritized higher. The girls and D usually win out because they are the loudest and most demanding with their needs. A is a pretty quiet kid and doesn't complain too much (especially if he is being fed---see decision number one above). He regularly puts others' needs ahead of himself. L, being the youngest, is also a pretty "go with the flow" kind of guy. He is easily distracted by his DS or legos or drawing pad so I can deal with the more pressing need. Actually, as I was writing this, it dawned on me that A and L usually gravitate to each other during the day, cosed up next to each other playing angry birds or skateboarding together.
My therapist and I have talked a lot about shifting the dynamic in our family and trying to even things out. I remember writing a while back about thinking of each of the kids as banks and trying to make a deposit each day. When I really look at it, however, I certainly spend a significant amount of time making deposits with the girls. As individuals they are so demanding and, M in particular, needs so much support and help. I know this makes sense. They both have issues with attachment and feeling secure in our family and in my love.
I'm not sure, though, about the long term impact this will have on both the girls and the boys (especially my two chill guys). I worry about this. I worry about making the right decisions and whether I'm using all the tools (methods) I have to make sure all their needs are met. There is only one of me and just like the problem we're addressing at work, there is only some much to go around.
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