A Night

Last night was senior night for E's high school swim team. It was the last time she'll swim for her school in a dual meet (when the entire team is there). She still has two more championship meets in the next two weeks for school, but this is a special night to acknowledge the seniors.  We all were there including my dad, sister C and her three kids.

We made signs and completely embarrassed her.  It was awesome.  She was the only senior who had so much support from either team and the coach even came up to comment how cool it was.

 

My dad put together a photo frame with pictures of her swimming each of the four strokes. It was very cool.

 

Afterwards, we all went out to dinner (C and her kids included) at a cool, new brick oven pizza place.  The stars aligned for an ice storm last night which gave us a 2 hour delay for school today.  This gave everyone a little extra sleep after a late, fun night.

 

It's nights like this that reminds me of how much I love our family.  A reminder of how we are creating a beautiful life for all the kids despite crappy circumstances. 

 

It's all a little bittersweet.  I'm glad we were all there, but still wish it was her parents sitting in the stands cheering her on and then Jeanne calling me on her way home to tell me how it was.  These moments in the girls' lives that they are missing are happy and sad all at the same time.  It's not the first time and certainly not the last, but this is still one area where time hasn't been the cure all.  It still hurts.  A lot.

On Marriage

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, Just Give Me A Reason

K and I have been together for over 24 years, with 18 of those as a married couple.  We have actually known each other for even longer since his sister and I were friends in high school and played soccer together.  I'll never forget the phone call I got from her a few months after we started dating asking increduously, "Are you dating my brother???"  We really got to know each other in college where we both played on the soccer teams and happened to have a few history classes together.  We clicked right away with a very similar upbringing (big family, Catholic school, etc.) and similar sense of humor, but more importantly, in my opinion, enough personality differences that we bring out the best in each other. We started our romance first as very good friends and I think it's that friendship that has sustained us over time.  Outside of stress, work, parenting, etc., we really like to hang out together.

Marriage can be hard.  You not only bring to this new partnership your own needs and wants, but the legacy (whether good or bad) of the marriages you each have experienced.  My parents were pretty old school with my dad being the provider and overall "fixer" in the house, with my mom taking care of us, cooking dinner, carpools, school, etc.  With all girls in our family, my dad defnitely "took care of us" and we depended on him heavily to help us through our transitions into adulthood.  Throw in some pretty serious health issues with my mom and I was definitely provided a strong, take care of everything "husband/father" model.

K, on the other hand, is the oldest of a very British family.  He is the eldest boy and treated a little special, but as the oldest of 9 he had to constantly stake out his independence and fight to get his needs met.  I joke all the time with my sisters about how K and each of his brothers and sisters (some more than others) are all inherently a bit selfish in order to be noticed and heard.  My mother-in-law did (and still does) everything for her kids.  My father-in-law, while a lovely person, was definitely more hands off and much better with the kids as they got older.  He travelled a lot and worked very hard in order to provide for his large family.  In some ways, K is an awful lot like his dad.  Brilliant intellectually, but not the most practical (or handy) of people and a bit clueless when it comes to noticing or understanding the needs of those around him.

My family is also a very boisterous, talkative brood with lots of both verbal and physical expressions of love.  I end most conversations with my sisters with "I love you."  I enjoy to give and receive hugs.  K comes from a stereotypical British family with no real outward signs of affection.  There is definitely a lot of love there, but it's not spoken of and expressions of feelings are kept at a minimum. 

That being said, K has certainly broken the mold in some ways.  He is very affectionate with the boys and M (E keeps him pretty much at a distance which is a entire post in and of itself).  He is much more hands on than his dad in terms of childcare.  Our life before the accident entailed a pretty good balance of efforts and, while sometimes challenging, we worked things out without too much drama.

So October 2009 happened and our life turned completely upside down.  This horrible thing occurred and it not only sent both of us in a tailspin emotionally, we found ourselves having to parent our kids through a very difficult situation, dealing with my family and struggling to take care of the girls.  It was rough.  Really rough.

In the last few days, I've been trying to step back and think about how all of this has affected K.  First, our loss in all of this is very different.  I lost my sister.  While he was and still is sad about it, there is a difference.  It's hard for him to understand my loss.  His loss is more centered around our family. He has had to watch his wife change and not for the better in many ways. As documented in this blog, I have struggled with my grief and depression while trying to be the mom I want and need to be. He has had to watch his little boys go through a pretty awful thing.  Not only losing Jeanne and Mike, and adjusting to the girls moving in, but struggling to find their footing in all the instability and trauma.

On a practical note, we also added two kids to our household.  This means a host of additional financial, logistical, emotional and parenting burdens.  They are girls, which as those of you who are parents to both boys and girls, is very different.  They are two very needy, greiving children who have lost their parents and siblings.  One of them can be considered special needs with her ADHD, learning disabilities and anxiety.  The financial responsibilities alone are huge.  All of the legal nightmares of the first year were horrific and timeconsuming.

He also almost died a year ago October.  The result has been a shock and huge lifestyle change for him.  The coumadin regimen (and constant testing), uncertainty about the causes, etc.  have been a huge stress for an active, athletic 44 year old.  He no longer can play softball, soccer, ski and other things that could risk a bleeding episode.  This has been a hard pill to take for him.  I have worried about him and depression in this last year (according to lots of websites this is very typical in his situation).

All of this for a guy who grew up not sharing feelings, not being overly affectionate, and the oldest of nine kids who pretty much took care of himself.  While we had our share of difficulties prior to the accident (miscarriage, work losses, parenting challenges), nothing prepared us for the strain of our new normal. 

None of this excuses his behavior.  It does not make my feelings invalid or take away the hurt he has caused. But it does put it in perspective. He desperately wants things to go back to normal (pre-accident) and sometimes that means for him to run off with his dorky buddies for a long weekend or a bachelor party.  Or when things get tough and emotionally difficult at home between us or with the kids, he often defaults to hiding out and not wanting to deal with it, or irrationally exploding at me (his safe place).

The last few days have found us slowly working our way back to each other.  It's nearly impossible not to with five minions who need us (both of us).  When you love someone, understanding and forgiveness are part of the package even when doing that takes you being the bigger person.  Beneath all of the layers of hurt, grief, anger, stress and fear, still sit two people who love each other.  Those two college friends are still there.  Sometimes it just takes a little more effort for them to find each other.

 

p.s. thank you so much for all of the messages of love, support, and insight for the past few posts.  You have no idea how much they help.  This blog has been a space for me to get a lot of stuff out, but it certainly has turned into something where I get a lot in return.  So thank you.  Really, really thank you.

Mess

Good things about the holidays:
1.  The kids had fun and we managed to get in all of the decorating, gingerbread house making, and tradition making things that make the holiday special in our house.  My boys especially are creatures of habit and like to celebrate the same way and re-tell stories from years' past.
2.  Everyone liked their loot for the most part and I was able to get things purchased and wrapped and under the tree by Christmas morning. Highlights included a Nook for D, DS 3DSXL's for A and L (huge sale on Thanksgiving night), the right clothes for E, and boots for M that she's been pining over.  The gifts shared between the kids were also cute, particularly the Boomslang hotsauce purchased for E by A and M (she's obsessed with hot sauce and puts it on everything).
3.  I pulled off another Christmas eve dinner for my side of the family and it was a nice evening.
4.  Winter break has been a nice respite for everyone.  Lots of movies, games, legos and Just Dance 2014 which has translated in fun all around.
5.  CA let me have the little girls for a weekend.  7 kids was quite the handfull, but we made it work and everyone had fun.  I'm hoping she'll allow more of this.

The bad:
1.  K came home from the stupid trip and acted like nothing happened.  He actually expected me to welcome him with open arms.  Even the kids have kept him at a distance.  His reaction has been typical and grossly immature.  He blames me and had a lovely tirade on New Year's Eve which included him telling me how awful and selfish I am...all in front of the kids.  I don't even know where to go with this.  He's been sleeping in the basement and ignoring all of us since Tuesday.  I'm just too tired and busy to know how to address this.  Frankly, I'm too hurt too.  Sigh.
2. The daughter of my neighborhood friend has continued to worsen without any explanation still.  It's heartbreaking.
3. Everyone in the house except me and E have been sick all week.  I was in urgent care with A yesterday morning thinking it was strep.  Hacking cough, fevers and sore throats all around with varying degress of severity. I'm hoping the last of the fevers were last night with A and L.  I felt good enough about their overall health to sneak out today to the office for a few hours.  A little change of scenary didn't hurt either.
4.  Holidays with the girls still stink.  They struggle to settle into our family routines and lash out at me in particular when they are hurting.  The boys also deesrve to have a regular Christmas and not be dragged into their grief and have their Christmas spirit held hostage by it.  My family also struggles to respect boundaries during this time.  My dad was realy bad with E this year, guilting her into visiting the cemetery on Christmas day when she had pretty much decided just to come to the inlaw's with us.  Then there was little sister S buying M about $400 worth of presents  (each of the cousins does a secret santa) including another new pair of boots.  My heart sunk as she opened up present after present which outdid what Santa provided in our house (seriously, what 13 year old needs 2 $30 jcrew tshirts???).  Throwing money at their guilt doesn't help anything, definitely not M.

I've wanted (needed) to write this out for a few days, but things with K especially have left me raw.  Building lego sets and paper airplanes with L has taken priority.  I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and I certainly look forward to starting a new year.  The current mess that is my life needs a fresh start.

Of Sorts

Sorry about the long pause.  I've been out of sorts, as have many around these parts.

The current king of "out of sortness" is A.  He's been battling what the doctors think is a virus for about 10 days now which initially manifested itself as hives all over his legs and arms.  Then they spread to his torso.  Benedryll helped a bit.  We went to the doctor and because he had a slight cough they gave him a z-pac.  They also tested for mono and strep which both came back negative.  That night after the first two antibiotics, the hives spread all over his body and his hands swelled.  Benedryll didn't help at all. He was miserable and didn't sleep a wink.  We went back in the next day and they decided to stop the z-pac and start him on pregnisone.  This made the hives stop almost completely and he seemed a bit better.  Then this past Saturday he started feeling worse and was complaining of body aches, nausea and fatigue.  This morning I couldn't get him out of bed.  Back to the doctor this morning, a flu and another strep test, and the further frustration of not knowing what's going on.  He slept all day and I at least got him to eat some soup and drink water.  He's currently rolling around on the couch after doing some homework and studying for the geography bee he's supposed to be participating in tomorrow (against his younger brother--hilarious).  I hope he feels up to going to school in the morning.  I'm hoping a good night's sleep will do the trick.  Crossing my fingers.

I have been really out of sorts since Jeanne's birthday and it carried over into my birthday when I passed her in years on earth.  That's just all sorts of wrong.  I spent the weekend with M at a soccer tournament.  I just wanted to be home with my boys.

My out of sorts has led to K being particularly out of sorts.  We're in a funk and are both too tired and stressed to even try to bust out of it.

E committed to William and Mary last week which has been all kinds of awesome.  How she let us know, and how the other members of our family dealt with the news has been all sorts of annoying.  Yet again, something that should be a happy moment for our little (okay not so little) family gets tainted by everyone trying to "own" E and cross the line.  In the long run, we're just happy to get to share our alma mater with her and watch her grow in such a cool place.

M...sweet lordie M...has been all kinds of difficult.  I am dreading high school.  Heck, I'm dreading this week.

D has been on another one of his eating strikes.  I try not to fight him on it, but it's so frustrating.  He's playing travel basketball now and I worry about him having enough energy.

L is our funny little guy.  He's started texting his cousin W on my phone and the conversations are priceless.  They love each other very much which warms my heart.

Work is...well work.  If I could change one thing in my life, it would be taking a sabbatical from work, but that's not feasible financially, so I continue to try to balance it all and feeling pretty useless on all fronts.

I need to snap out of it.  I don't want to repeat the Christmas Funk of 2012.

Fa, la, freaking la.

Profound

Profound.  (adjective) having or showing great knowledge or understanding; difficult to understand requiring deep thought or wisdom; very strongly felt.

The past week has been an onslaught of profundity. I felt feelings so strong that my body has been wracked with sobs.  I have felt feelings of such love my body has felt flush with warmth.  I've been intellectually pushed trying to tackle a tough problem at work.  I've once again been faced with questions of why and struggled with ways to take pain away from those I love.

This has left me tired.  My brain is sludgy.  The world seems a bit fuzzy and my bed sounds lovely (ironically this is kinda how the meds made me feel).  Given this state, this post is going to have to be a list of randoms who have really nothing in common other that the intensity of the emotions they aroused.

1.  Jeanne's birthday this year was really hard.  I was on the verge of crying pretty much constantly the day before, the actual day and the day after.   The four years since her death are for some reason becoming very real.  Next week I'll be older than she was when she died.  Sigh.

2.  The girls had a rough week too.  Poor M finally broke down Wednesday night and cried for about 45 minutes.  It upset the entire family.  My sweet boys and her loving uncle finally pulled her out of it.  E couldn't handle it and proceeded to complain about not having socks and the low sodium ham I bought.  Her modus operandi tends to be complaining about laundry, food and mysterious ailments when she can't deal with the heavy emotions coming her way.  At least she's consistent.

3. I worked for four straight days (Frid to Mon) all day and till very late at night trying to get a deliverable done.  It was really hard work and the response from my boss was less than enthusiastic and we've yet to hear from the client.  At least I was working with C on this and I hunkered down on my bed for a change of scenary (and I can close the door).  K and A were at a soccer tourney down in Richmond (yay!  they won!) so at least I didn't have that distraction.

4.  Our 18th anniversary was Monday.  See item #3 and you'll understand how our day went.  The kids were off from school so he schlepped the boys around to get haircuts, mowed the lawn and brought home pizza for dinner.  It sucked.  But at the end of the day, this funny, kind and smart guy is still around and we love each other very much.  We may not always be able to show each other given the craziness of our life, but I know he will always be there.

5. Tuesday brought parent teacher conferences for the little (or not so little) kids.  All four got great report cards for them.  M is holding her own somehow and the consistent message I got from her teachers is that she is trying and engaged in the classroom.  She tests terribly, but our hope for her to get an education and the grades in the end don't really matter.  The tough conference for some reason was little L's.  He's doing great in school, but she commented that he seems tired and gets weepy sometimes when things seem hard.  She also said we need to read with him more at home.  So first my mommy guilt went into overdrive because I don't read to and with him as much as I should.  Then I looked at her and explained that he doesn't always get the best sleep.  He's in our bed most nights around three.  On Sunday night he couldn't get to sleep because he doesn't want to go to heaven.  She looked at me blankly.  I thought most teachers at the small school we go to knew our whole story.  I tried to explain that he still has a lot of anxiety and that the changes in our house still make it hard for him.  "Oh, the girls live with you all the time? I thought you shared them or something."  Good lord. She quickly said something about him telling the whole class about the balloons and we moved on.  It reminded me that while we still live with tragedy everyday, other people just see us as a normal family. This is strangely good and bad.

6.  A little girl in our neighborhood was just diagnosed with a brain tumor.  I'm friends with her mom and it is rocking out little neighborhood.  Surgery was this morning and it went well.  We're waiting to hear the results.  So sad.  So very very sad.

So instead of working for my annoying client I'm sitting her writing a blog post.  I wish I had some profound insight into the above list.  A nugget of wisdom like those pictures one sees tagged on facebook or pinterest.  I got nothing.

47

Today she would have been 47.

My big sister.

We are four years apart, so when I graduated from 8th grade, she graduated from high school.  When I graduated from high school, she graduated from college.

We share November for our birthdays.

We share November for our anniversaries.  The same weekend 3 years apart at the same hotel.  We shared the same wedding dress.

We are now share the raising of these two great kids.

I want to pick up the phone and wish her a happy birthday.  I want to give her a hug.

I just want my sister back.

Happy Birthday Zhea.  Love you, love you, love you.

At Home

I left alone, I left the world I was running,
To be by your side I was dying,
alone by your side I was flying.
I came alone, I've come a long way to get here,
The leaves they fall to my feet, at home,
They mean nothing to me

"At Home," Crystal Fighters

Dinner was done early tonight.  K is working late so it was just me and the kids.  Everyone was at the table, happily eating and joking with each other.  Things felt right.  So right, I started folding laundry and decided we needed a little impromptu sing along and dance party with the old Ipod.

We started easy with a little "Hey Ho" by the Lumineers.  This was quickly followed by "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt.  The kids all sang at the top of their lungs, inserting silly lines as I danced around the room, smiling and feeling...well, content.

M picked a little ditty by the Waterboys called "The Glastonbury Song" which has become a favorite of hers.  An oldie but goodie for me, but new to her.  She got up, singing and dancing while the boys sang along and clapped their hands.  She was at ease and happy.  The joy on her face and in her movement was precious.  Music can do that to the humans in this house.

Then she caught herself.  Overwhelmed.  She slid out of the room quietly.  That joy is still too much for the girls.  These moments of sinking into our family and feeling at home still feels like a betrayal.  I know not to push it. 

The boys and I are still jamming.  We've learned not to stop our fun all the time to accommodate their grief. 

"All I Want" by Kodaline is on.  "If you loved me, why'd you leave me...All I want is, All I need is to find somebody like you..."

All I want and what I pray for is that those feelings of joy won't feel like betrayal for E and M. That these feelings of of peace and contentment don't still surprise the boys and I when they include the girls.  I guess I just want all of us to feel at home. 

For now Franz Ferdinand "Can't Stop This Feeling" is on and I feel like getting my groove on and rocking out.

October 24, 2013

It came.  It was hard.  Kids were great, for the most part.  I'll explain some of the drama in a later post, but here are some pictures from the day.  I think they are some of my best.

 

Four years.  Twenty balloons.  And still lots and lots of love

Dread and Acceptance

The week of dread is upon us.

Thursday is the four year anniversary of the accident.  It seems like just yesterday, unimaginable that it's been that long.

The kids are a bit off.  We all are. They love the morning when we meet at a local park, eat breakfast. play on the playground and send our balloon messages to heaven.  Everyone seems to put all of the underlying tensions aside and just enjoy being together and remembering Jeanne and Mike.  I actually look forward to the morning.  I spend the morning behind the lens of my camera capturing the day and the love our family holds for each other.

For me, for whatever reason, it's the night before that gets me.  As bizarre as this sounds, it feels like the accident is going to happen all over again.  The horror and shock. 

In my head, I run through all of the images that encapsulate that night and the days and week following.  Telling E and M their parents were dead.  Holding KT in my arms and picking out the glass from her hair.  Coming home to K and sobbing.  Scenes from the funeral.  Seeing E walk into her parent's room, falling face down on their bed and sobbing...the first time I saw her cry about it.  Sitting on the floor outside of 18 month old KT's room listening to her cry for her mommy and not being able to do anything.

The questions come flooding in as well.  Did she know what was happening?  Why couldn't Mike stay on his side of the road?  Was she ever in pain?  Does she know we have the girls?  Does she know we're doing the best we can?  Does she know how often I think of her and how they are never forgotten?  Not even for a day.  Does she know how much I love her?

Why them?  Why us?

There is a bit of a difference this year.  I feel the dread, but I know that it will be over soon.  I know that we just need to remember and get through.  Maybe this is the first step towards acceptance? Acceptance that the accident really happened and that they aren"t coming back.  This is it.  This is our life.

Strangely this insight makes me feel better like I'm moving the boulder called grief further down the road.

Tired

Everything K has done in the last week around the house is been prefaced with a "furlough."  He worked on his "furlough grass" and made some not that great "furlough meat loaf" one night for dinner.  We add this bit of levity to keep the kids from worrying about things, and to keep the two of us from losing it.  K is trying to pick up the slack around here since he is off of work. In some ways it is helpful. Running to the store. Making dinner a few nights last week. Driving kids to practice because he's home. Our family cadence is a bit off around here, though, as we all get used to him stepping in where I usual take charge.  Sometimes it's just easier to do it myself when I have to take so much time explaining all the why's and how's involved with keeping the family train on the tracks.

Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest.  You have been forewarned.

Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party.  D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game.  It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.

I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day.  I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible.  A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously. 

Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm.  During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about.  M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs.  She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.

Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed.  Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today.  My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.

M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it.  School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school.  It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder.  It's not just school.  Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability.  This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate.  I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress.  ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination.  I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.

All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.

I'm so tired today.  Bone tired.  The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep.  Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression.  I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight.  If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.

There is no manual

I tend to write a significant amount on this blog about my challenges with parenting the girls.  When I talk about the boys, it's usually a quick snippet of pride or cuteness or vacation smiles.

This will not be that post.

I am really struggling with our 11 year old D.  Outside of our house, he is the perfect child. At school, all we hear about from his teachers and peers is how kind he is, what a good student he is, how responsible and well-behaved he is.  On the sports field, we get constant feedback on what a great player he is, not because of his natural athletic ability, but his work ethic and what a great teammate he is.  He's got wonderful friends.  He loves his little cousins and goes out of his way to teach all of them his "fist bump" or high fives.  He's funny and interesting and silly.

Within the four walls of our house (or in the car on the way home), however, it is a different story.  In short, he is driving me crazy. He doesn't listen...EVER.  I have to repeat myself twelve times to get him to do what I ask.  Most of these things are simple tasks.  Go to bed.  Eat your breakfast, lunch, dinner. Stop leaving your baseball, soccer, (name another sport) stuff by the front door, family room floor, or kitchen floor instead of on your designated shelf.  Get out of the shower (after 30 minutes).  Go to bed.  Stop reading the paper, playing your itouch, checking scores on the computer and get in the car, got to bed, eat your dinner, or do your homework.  You see the pattern.

All of these seem like typical parental complaints.  Kids aren't little robots and expected to follow directions to 100% perfection.  I get that.  But if he would just do it 50% of the time our lives would be so much easier.  What is more difficult to handle is how he treats everyone in the family.  He simply CANNOT stop bugging everyone, especially in the car.  Touching them, teasing them, getting in everyone's personal space.  Last week, I had to tell him to sit in the car with his feet on the floor, hands folded in his lap and eyes closed so he wouldn't be tempted to tease his little brother sitting next to him or his cousins behind him.  He is exhausting.

At times he just seems so angry.  He is the middle child on steroids given our new family situation.  He just wants to be noticed and it doesn't matter if it's negative or positive.

My guilt is on serious overdrive on this one.  He was 7 when Jeanne and Mike died. He knew exactly what was happening and saw all of us fall apart.  He had diarrhea, wet the bed and clung to me whenever I was around.  I don't think I really addressed this at the time since I was trying to keep our household running while helping with the girls. I wasn't the best mom in the first 9 months after the accident, and then his cousins moved in causing all kinds of turmoil.  He was just a little boy.  He still is a little boy. Despite knowing all these things, my typical reaction to him is frustration, anger, and yelling. He knows exactly how to push all of my buttons and I let them all be pushed.  Ugh.

At back-to-school night last week, his religion teacher pointed out a project their class had on the wall.  Each student was asked to cut out three leaves from construction paper, writing an adjective to describe themselves on each of them.  A fourth leaf was created to write down a time when they knew God is with them.  I scanned the wall as the other parents filed out to the next class, trying to find D's leaves.  I noticed other students' work.  "God is with me when I take tests."  "God is with me when I play baseball." "God is with me when I try something new."  All typical, mundane 11 year old items.

I found D's first three leaves.  Adventurous.  Kind.  Hardworking.  Definitely three words I'd used to describe D.  Tears welled in my eyes as I read the fourth leaf.

"God was with me when my aunt and uncle died and when my great-grandfather died."

My sensitive boy.  When I still want to scream "Fuck you God!!  Where were you??!!" my wise pain in the ass points out that he knows God was with him at those times.  And, once again, I get the reminder of how the accident profoundly affected my kids.

I'm not sure what to do about D.  In my head, I know why he might be acting the way he is.  For some reason, though, I'm having a hard time breaking the cycle and usually my frustration wins out over reason or at least a cooler head.  Our crazy schedule and the sheer number of kids definitely doesn't help the situation. I sometimes wonder if the boys are still having delayed reactions to the trauma.  Their needs have certainly always seemed to be pushed aside to the more acute and, frankly, louder needs of the girls.  There are moments when D is especially being difficult that I can still see that little seven year old through his deep blue eyes. Scared. Angry. Sad.

I am probably the millionth blogger to write this statement: PARENTING IS HARD! There is no customized manual for each kid.  While I'm still questioning my faith in all of this, maybe I need to follow in D's steps a bit and try to feel God's presence in the times of struggle.  Maybe this recognition will give me the calm and understanding I need to tackle my difficult boy.  At this point, anything is worth a shot.

Raw

We were talking tonight at dinner about monthly family dinners my sister and I are trying to get going.  M was wondering why we're doing them and I explained that we just want to try to make sure we get together a little more often as a larger family.  E followed up with, "it would be nice to see MG and KT more than once every two months like it's been lately."  Sad, but true.

Then A said, "When are we doing the balloons again?"  A simple observation.  E explained to him that not till October 24th.  He shrugged and said, "Oh yeah. It kinda feels like that time of year though doesn't it?"

Moments later I was driving in the car to elementary back-to-school night for L with my mind starting to follow the familiar road of memories propelled by A's comment. Car crashes. Disbelief.  Pain.

Then I passed the cemetery.

At the same time "Lover's Eyes" by Mumford and Sons came on my Ipod.

But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes

I tried valiantly to hold the tears in, but finally let the floodgates open,   My body shaking and feeling my stomach drop and the physical pain of my loss.  It's still strange the way it hits me sometimes even almost 4 years later.  I pulled myself together by the time I reached the school parking lot, thankfully a few minutes early.  The release of tears breaking the physical manifestation of my raw feelings like a massage releasing a knot in your muscles.

Grief sucks.

Sad and Glad

This Saturday the girls and I are going with my mother-in-law and niece to a Sound of Music sing along at a local amphitheater.  It's this awesome place where people picnic on the lawn (although we got seats in the covered area too just in case it rains).  Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies of all time and we regularly sing the songs around our house inserting our own lyrics.  One of our favorites: "How do you solve a problem like D!"

Inspired by our outing on Saturday, here are a list of things that are currently making me sad and glad (with pictures)...

Sad
1.  Syria, chemical weapons, and the prospect of military intervention.
2.  Cancer diagnosis for one of sister S's good friends who has two small children.
3.  L having a hard time this week talking tons about himself dying and people he loves dying.
4.  Sister CA continues to make ridiculous decisions which pull the little girls away from our family and their sisters.
5.  Having frank conversations about #4 with E and M.
6.  Passing the cemetery 8 times in the last 2 days and just wanting to pick up the phone and call my big sister.

Glad
1.  We had a pretty good summer.

 

 

2.  Casts are off, bones are healed and somebody is back to skateboarding.

 

 



3.  School started this week and the transition was a lot smoother than I anticipated (left to right...D in 6th, L in 1st and A and M in 8th).

4.  Six year olds totally rock. Nuff said.

 

5.  Eleven year olds also have their moments too.

 

 

 

6. I have really great friends who showed up at our house at 9:15 last night after a trip to Williamsburg with a jar of house dressing and two bags of bread ends.

 

7. New books by some of my favorite authors who provide exactly the kind of break I need each night.

 

8.  New music by some of my favorite bands (yay the new Franz Ferdinand came out!!) which never ceases to give me the pick me up I need to get through our chaotic day.

 

I really can't wait for Sound of Music on Saturday.  I'll be "high on a hill was a lonely goatherd" with the rest of the crowd and will try my best not to embarrass the girls by getting teared up on Edelweiss.



Well...

...where have I been?  I want to write.  I need to write.  I just haven't gotten the right time or mental space to put words to paper (or screen). In many respects, life around these parts has been "the same 'ole, same 'ole" mish mash of drama, normal, busy everyday life stuff for a family of 7.  Here are some brief snippets:

1.  Last week we went to Hilton Head, SC for a family vacation (just the 7 of us).  It was a great week.  The weather was gorgeous.  The kids all had a blast (even E).  We went to Savannah for the first time.  It was fun to explore a new city together.  Lots of gator spotting, turtle and anole catching and most importantly for all of us...good eating.  K and I worked hard to make sure the kids knew this was a vacation for us too and tried to sleep in and not stress to much about how or when to feed the minions.  He and I had a great week as a couple, reconnecting and having fun away from the normal stress. D got a pretty nasty jellyfish sting, which is still pretty inflamed a week later, but thank goodness this year we made it through injury free.  I'll post pictures when I get a chance to download them off the camera.

2.  School starts for our kids on August 26th.  All of them are in pretty important grades this year.  E being a senior and A and M in 8th grade, which is the last year at our school.  D starts middle school and L will be in first grade.  It's going to be an interesting juggling act to make sure they are all getting the attention they need.  We are certainly not ready to go back, but I still have some time.

3.  L has his first baseball practice today.  He is soooo excited.  It was the first thing he told the dentist yesterday.  He is actually going to be on his cousin W's team with my brother-in-law (C's husband) as an assistant.  We can walk to practice from our house and the head coach and one other player actually live on our street.  Logistically this very easy, even though we're adding another practice to our schedule  (he also plays soccer).  We practiced last night with his new glove and I was once again reminded what an athletic little guy he is.

4.  We went to CA's cabin in West Virginia for the day before the HH trip with everyone but M (who was at soccer camp).  It was a really nice day for the most part.  CA is much more relaxed in her own element.  The boys had a great time--swimming in the lake, catching newts (a new species for A) and fence lizards, and smores.  E was quiet and pretty moody.  I just ignored it and tried not to let it effect the rest of us.  In many ways I don't blame her...none of us really like her sisters with CA.  Sigh.

5.  Speaking of soccer camp, M went for 5 days with her new soccer team (we moved her to one closer to us--same club as boys).  It was a much needed break for the rest of us.  The boys were so cute dropping her off.  D even gave her a hug and told her he loved her.  L wouldn't let go of her legs.  There were also bit of a celebration when she got home with lots of "I missed you so much" getting tossed around.  I need to remind them all of this when they are at each other's throats in the future.

6.  We finally have a diagnosis I think for my mom.  She's actually meeting with the neurosurgeon as I'm writing this.  They think her shunt system for her arnold chiari (put in 20 years ago) isn't working properly and is draining away too much spinal fluid, decreasing the amount around her brain.  The doctors are pretty confident they can fix it.  Crossing my fingers, but I'm really hoping to get normal mom back.  She is understandably really nervous.

7.  We are trying some new things with M this fall to deal with her anxiety and ADHD.  It sounds counterintuitive, but we're actually reducing her therapy to every other week and dropping her tutoring to an "as needed" basis.  The extra time after school was really stressing everyone, especially her out.  I am going to really press school for better test taking accomodations for her.  Both her therapist and tutur think it's a good idea, so we'll see.  I'm hoping things with her will get better emotionally.  We've been dealing with a lot of fake illnesses and injuries again.  It's very tiring and the boys are starting to call her out on it, which isn't good.

8.  How am I?  I don't really know.  I'm been having problems sleeping again, even on vacation, when I wake up in the middle of the night with major anxiety about all of our family issues--head racing, major butterflies in stomach and nausea.  I'm trying hard to be more patient with the kids and K.  I'm tired all the time and aren't necessarily eating well again.  I still think about the accident and Jeanne a lot.  My grief is still filled with anger, despair, pain and confusion. I still find myself crying during songs in the car.  I miss my sister. 

On the positive, though, I continue to get through life.  We are still functioning as a family and for the most part, our house is filled with laughter and love.  This is our life.  This is my life. I just have to deal with everything the best I can.

The Squeeze

"That was so much fun mom.  It was like we were a family again."

These words came out of A's mouth as we pulled away from the golf course on Monday night.  M was at soccer camp with her team (5 days of a M break was nice) and E was at the beach for the day with the swim team. 

I came up with the idea coming out of a pretty good therapy session.  A family golf night at our local par 3 followed by dinner at Friendly's.  I haven't touched a golf club in 14 years (since before pregnant with A), but the boys play with their dad regularly.  We figured the four of us would play, and L could walk the course and putt for me.

We had an amazing time.  The weather was gorgeous.  The boys were relaxed and shocked that their mom could actually play golf.  We laughed and simply enjoyed being together.

Once the words came out of his mouth, I could tell A felt guilty.  He tried to cover it up by saying he meant it felt like old times and that he knew we were still a family.  L jumped in with, "We used to be a family of 5, but now we have 7.  We are still a family A!  We just now have girls."  I didn't want him to feel guilty (I have enough of that by myself), so I jumped in and said, "I know what you mean buddy.  That was lots of fun.  We should do it again."  A is such a quiet, even keel kind of guy, that his words hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt that the best I could do was acknowledge his feelings.

I thought about that night a lot this week.

Living with grieving children is really hard.  Not only do they miss their parents, but their family was broken apart.  I know this isn't our fault.  At times, however, the girls treat the five of us like it is.  Their profound grief squeezes the rest of our grief out of the way like we don't have the right to grieve or miss our old life.

I lost my sister and brother-in-law.

A, D and L lost their aunt and uncle who they loved very much.

K lost his sister and brother-in-law.

The 5 of us lost of a part of our family identity.

Family relationships have been severed, re-built, and strained.

The five of us try to hide these losses.  The girls' behavior makes us feel like we're in some sort of grief competition and they win by default, and with no mercy rule.

When they aren't around, we all feel our losses as a nuclear family.  We notice how much less tension and stress there is between us and around us. I don't mean to blame the girls in any way (can you say more guilt).  This is our reality, though, and it feels good to say it even if it's only on my blog.

I know we did the right thing taking the girls.  I just wish the boys didn't have to feel the effects as much.

Little Black Dress

I've got a thing with clothes.  I'm not in any way a fashionista, but I gain comfort and confidence from certain outfits or items.

My day-to-day mom outfit usually consists of sweats or shorts and a variety of nike or addidas, dryfit, short sleeve or long sleeve tees.  Despite my rare ability to exercise or play soccer, my inner athlete is reflected in my wardrobe.  That, and the fact that my husband pretty much gets me the same thing every holiday.

Today I had a meeting with a new client for a kick-off meeting for my new project.  13 years of Catholic school and daily uniforms has resulted in my need to put on my professional clothes if I'm going to an important work related event.  I haven't really had to interact with a client in the past few years, so I was a bit out of sorts late last night trying to figure out what I was going to wear.  The pickings were certainly limited by what was clean and what needed ironing.  I found a suit jacket that I've always liked, but the accompanying pants were wrinkled and I was too tired to make the effort.

A little black dress hangs in the back of my closet.  It's a simple, Ann Taylor number with cap sleeves.  It's hung there on its hanger for over three and a half years.  It often catches my eye and propels me back to that first and last time I wore that dress.  Jeanne and Mike's funeral.  For some reason I've never been able to  wear it again, despite multiple opportunities.  It's always seemed like an untouchable object or a portkey from Harry Potter that would magically transport me back to that day.

I made a quick decision last night in my exhaustion that this dress would be perfect with the suit jacket.  Clean lines and professional, it would be perfect.  With slight hesitation,  I pulled off my tee shirt and pulled the dress over my head.  It still fit even though I've lost a lot of weight in the last few years. I put on that jacket and, as suspected, the combo worked great.

When we were little, my favorite game to play with my sisters was what we called "big business."  Jeanne would set up a desk in the basement and from what I remember the game centered around taking notes, answering pretend phones and filling out "business" forms that we created.  As adults, my sisters and I have joked when one of us was in our "big business" mode.

I decided that rather than look at that dress and think that it was going to sink me in my grief for my sister, this little black dress was going to carry her with me today.  I don't know why today was the day.  Maybe it was because I was just too tired and being practical outweighed the feelings associated with the dress.  Maybe the rawness of my grief is softening.  Maybe I just needed my big sister today and that dress was the closest thing I could get.

Whatever the reason, I'm glad I wore it.  It gave me comfort and confidence in the stress of the day.  I think I'll wear it again.

Lessons and Lightness

I woke up this morning feeling a bit lighter.

Yesterday went well.  I'm actually really proud of how it all came together as a family and am so glad my kids got to experience death, grief, etc. in a healthy, normal manner.  M was a mess in the morning (moaning, acting weird, etc. ), but was fine as the day progressed. D did a wonderful job in the first reading.  His little voice, speaking clearly and slowly from the book of Wisdom brought tears to my eyes.  He claimed all along that he was a pro and did it all the time for school masses and we certainly all believe him now.  C and my cousin Rich gave lovely eulogies. 

My grandfather was a remarkable man.  He left home at age 16 with $8 in his pocket and hitchhiked to New York, where he met my grandmother, started his career in the music business and established his own big band orchestra where he played for presidents, kings and queens, hundreds of celebrities, and at Shea Stadium for the Mets.  What we all remembered yesterday, though, was that his greatest pride and accomplishment was his family.  He loved all of us so much and you could see how that flowed through the entire family and our relationships. He would have been so proud to see all of his great grandchildren playing together yesterday in our yard, loving each other and making life long bonds.

Grandpa's promo picture for one of his albums...love that smile.

 

Yesterday also reminded me that I can give a damn good party.  Our house looked and worked great for the reception.  I've given 5 big family parties in the last 5 months.  Whew.  My awesome neighbor (Thanks Gina!) met with the catering people while we were at mass, so all the food was ready when we got there. K is actually a great host and I thanked him profusely last night for chipping in and making the day work so smoothly.  I know I complained about having to do it, but at the end of the day I was glad to do this for my dad and was really proud how I pulled it off.  It's not often that I'm able to pause and give myself that pat on the back, so this felt pretty good.

Not everything was great.  CA decided not to bring KT and MG to the funeral or even to the reception at our house.  Layer upon layer of lies about how MG will freak out.  It was really sad since they were the only great grandchildren not there and, more importantly, it was a great way to teach the kids that funerals are sad yes, but not scary.  It's okay to cry.  It's okay to be sad and our family and faith are there to help us through.  Such a shame.  Needless to say, E and M were really upset about it.

I'm exhausted this morning.  It's a good kind of tired though.  I'm proud of how we came together as a family, despite all the drama about the funeral logistics and CA's lunacy.  I'm proud of how I was able to teach my kids a great lesson.  I'm proud of being the "hostess with the mostess."

The weather is hot and sunny today, just the way I like it.  We have our usual crazy day of practices, school, and work today.  Seven people still need to be fed tonight and the never ending pile of laundry needs to be folded.  I feel lighter, though, and a bit more able to tackle it. 

A list

1.  My grandfather's funeral is tomorrow.  Reception here.  My cousins are being annoying.  My dad spelled my cousin's daughter's name wrong on the draft program.  I took over and missed the wrong spelling.  It's printed, folded and done.  While driving down from NY he just asked if it could be changed.  Good grief.  Reception is here.  Not ready at all, but will be.  It's looking like a long night.  Just trying to focus on Grandpa and trying to stay positive for him. 

2.  Girls are being annoying as usual this evening.  M is making everything about her.  E is complaining once again about us making her go to bed at 8:30 pm at night during the summer so she can get up at 3:45 am to swim.  She somehow thought we'd be more lenient.  She stated tonight that she thought I was being unreasonable. She is absolutely clueless.  Her inability to have fun this summer is all my fault because I make her go to bed and get less than 6 hours of sleep and get behind the wheel of a car.

3. In good news, E had a great swim meet last weekend without a bad race in the bunch and a slew of best times.  She also rocked out the SATs and got the William and Mary Leadership Award this week.  Very proud of her.

4.  The boys are good.  Surprisingly, they keep plodding on and continue to be such sweet, funny and goofy boys.  A saved a snake last week that was stuck in a sticky trap in a neighbor's garage.  He calmly extricated the snake (warm water and his snake hook), at the same time educating the entire family on snakes and why they shouldn't be afraid.  It was too cute.

5. Summer break....yay! Summer break....ugh...This means swim team and keeping all the minions occupied while I'm trying to get work done.

6. K and I are doing okay.  I'm working hard to be patient and try not to worry too much about his health. 

7.  I'm tired.  I still have tons of things to do to get ready for tomorrow.  I can feel the tension growing in my jaws.  I wish I could put the kids to bed right now and get started.  I've got a case of Dr. Pepper's in the garage fridge that have my name written all over them.  I wish I could just focus on being sad and not have to host the reception.

Dear

Dear Zhea,

E turned 17 on Sunday.

I think you know this.

I hope you know this.

We had a great weekend with her, celebrating with the whole family on Saturday night and as the seven of us last night.  Geoff and Kathleen came to the party Saturday and we drank some of Mike's whiskey, talked about you and cried a bit.

She's grown up a lot this year.  According to her psychiatrist she's turned a corner with her depression and attachment disorder.  We're weaning her off her meds in the next month.

She still can be difficult, prickly and moody.  Some of that is being a teenager.  Some of that is her personality.  Some of that is due to the awful cards she has been dealt.

She worries about her sisters and feels responsible for them.  She fights with M incessantly, though, and really doesn't seem to understand how to help her little sister. 

She especially worries about MG and KT forgetting you.  It breaks my heart.  I'm worried about them too and each time we see them I am overwhelmed by the feeling that that are not where they are supposed to be.  Not who they are supposed to be.  The guilt is suffocating.

She misses you and Mike terribly.  I think she's spent the last 3+ years harping on all the things that have changed and what she's lost (her house, neighborhood, swim team, friends) and she's finally settling into her real grief. She needs to be here, in her loss, but I still want to protect her from the pain and any more heartache.

We talk about you all the time.  I want you to know that a day, and sometimes hour, doesn't go by that I don't think about you and the accident.

The boys are doing fine.  They love the girls and are still adjusting.  We all love them and are doing our best to give them a loving, stable family.  M and K especially are developing a really sweet bond.

As with most holidays, we went through all the motions and did what we're expected to do.  I made E her favorite red velvet cake.  We sang and she blew out the candles.  C and I caught each other's eye as the song ended with tears swelling.  You.  Should. Be. Here.  As much as this was E's day, it was yours too.

I promise to continue to do my best by the girls. I really do love them. I hope you're proud of them.  I hope you're proud of me.

Jeanne, you are forever in my heart.  It still hurts so much to think about our life before the accident and what might have been.

Love you,
Peg

Console

Mother's day in this house sucks.  Father's day does too for that matter.

We tiptoe around the girls, and everyone, boys included, try to downplay the entire day.

At one point, M was laying prostrate on the basement stairs moaning.  This after I asked her what she wanted for lunch.

E and I actually cracked jokes about her plans to visit the cemetery at some point during the day.

We went to a barbecue at my in-laws and I had to remind my sister-in-law why the girls seemed a little "off."

I do their laundry.  I feed them.  I make the appointments and help with homework.  I cheer from the sidelines and poolside.  I console them when they need me, whether they admit their need or not.  I set boundaries and praise them for good behavior.  I love them.

But.

I am not their mother.  They miss their mommy.  I miss their mom.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  I never want Jeanne to be forgotten.  I am not a substitute.

What sucks is how this reality impacts the boys and our family as a whole.  Mother's day should be a day when I get to chill a bit and get a bit of a break.  It's days like yesterday when the girls need me the most. I'd be lying if I wasn't jealous by the facebook posts of the other moms celebrating with their families.

My brain says it's just another day and the girls miss their parents everyday.

My heart hurts for them as the rest of the world highlights what they don't have.