Sad and Glad

This Saturday the girls and I are going with my mother-in-law and niece to a Sound of Music sing along at a local amphitheater.  It's this awesome place where people picnic on the lawn (although we got seats in the covered area too just in case it rains).  Sound of Music is one of my favorite movies of all time and we regularly sing the songs around our house inserting our own lyrics.  One of our favorites: "How do you solve a problem like D!"

Inspired by our outing on Saturday, here are a list of things that are currently making me sad and glad (with pictures)...

Sad
1.  Syria, chemical weapons, and the prospect of military intervention.
2.  Cancer diagnosis for one of sister S's good friends who has two small children.
3.  L having a hard time this week talking tons about himself dying and people he loves dying.
4.  Sister CA continues to make ridiculous decisions which pull the little girls away from our family and their sisters.
5.  Having frank conversations about #4 with E and M.
6.  Passing the cemetery 8 times in the last 2 days and just wanting to pick up the phone and call my big sister.

Glad
1.  We had a pretty good summer.

 

 

2.  Casts are off, bones are healed and somebody is back to skateboarding.

 

 



3.  School started this week and the transition was a lot smoother than I anticipated (left to right...D in 6th, L in 1st and A and M in 8th).

4.  Six year olds totally rock. Nuff said.

 

5.  Eleven year olds also have their moments too.

 

 

 

6. I have really great friends who showed up at our house at 9:15 last night after a trip to Williamsburg with a jar of house dressing and two bags of bread ends.

 

7. New books by some of my favorite authors who provide exactly the kind of break I need each night.

 

8.  New music by some of my favorite bands (yay the new Franz Ferdinand came out!!) which never ceases to give me the pick me up I need to get through our chaotic day.

 

I really can't wait for Sound of Music on Saturday.  I'll be "high on a hill was a lonely goatherd" with the rest of the crowd and will try my best not to embarrass the girls by getting teared up on Edelweiss.



Console

Mother's day in this house sucks.  Father's day does too for that matter.

We tiptoe around the girls, and everyone, boys included, try to downplay the entire day.

At one point, M was laying prostrate on the basement stairs moaning.  This after I asked her what she wanted for lunch.

E and I actually cracked jokes about her plans to visit the cemetery at some point during the day.

We went to a barbecue at my in-laws and I had to remind my sister-in-law why the girls seemed a little "off."

I do their laundry.  I feed them.  I make the appointments and help with homework.  I cheer from the sidelines and poolside.  I console them when they need me, whether they admit their need or not.  I set boundaries and praise them for good behavior.  I love them.

But.

I am not their mother.  They miss their mommy.  I miss their mom.  I wouldn't want it any other way.  I never want Jeanne to be forgotten.  I am not a substitute.

What sucks is how this reality impacts the boys and our family as a whole.  Mother's day should be a day when I get to chill a bit and get a bit of a break.  It's days like yesterday when the girls need me the most. I'd be lying if I wasn't jealous by the facebook posts of the other moms celebrating with their families.

My brain says it's just another day and the girls miss their parents everyday.

My heart hurts for them as the rest of the world highlights what they don't have.

Names, Herps and Funerals

We've hit a tough spot with the girls in their grief.  This one is completely out of my hands and it's actually a feeling we can share.

Last weekend KM (not my sister CA) asked to talk to me about something with MG's therapy.  She was weird about it and didn't want to talk to me in person.  Turns out that when the girls were together (without adults around) over spring break, E and M talked to KT and MG about how CA and KM are not their mommy.  This all came up because the big sisters discovered that their little sisters refer to their parents as Jeanne and Mr. Mike. 

Neither of the little girls call my sister or KM mommy.  In fact, KT doesn't even include "aunt" in front of their names, which is my opinion is disrespectful.  But KM and CA (and I guess MG's therapist), think that the word "mom" is confusing for the little girls.

As KM recounted this to me, it was apparent that it wasn't something that bothered the little girls but that it upset CA and KM.  It's like they are erasing Jeanne and Mike for the little girls.  It makes me sick to my stomach.  I have no problem with others referring to them as their "moms."  I get that all the times with E and M.  But to chastise the big girls for wanting to acknowledge their mom and dad and the connection the sisters have with each other is awful. I understand that the girls are each in different places developmentally, but how can it be healthy to have their parents disappear from their lives completely?

Jeanne and Mike are their mommy and daddy.  That is fact.  Mr. Mike?  Really?  How is it good for any of the kids to not accept the reality?  In a way it's stealing away the little girls' story from them.  I can't imagine any therapist would agree that not talking about or even using the names mommy and daddy can be good for their long term mental health.  CA and KM are so insecure in their role as parents with KT and MG.  In the discussion with KM, I was also patronized and given ridiculous lectures on child development despite the fact that I have been raising three children and HAVE A SIX YEAR OLD!!  Not once in this discussion did they show any empathy or concern for E and M and their feelings.  As K pointed out last night as we talked about it, CA and KM makes things so much harder on themselves when they wrap themselves in their lies.

Turns out that it's really been bothering the big girls and they brought it up with me last night.  The discussion also brought out all kinds of insecurities with M who admitted that she still worries that we'll send her away.  It was really sad and a hard discussion.  I had to make sure I didn't throw CA under the bus, but show the girls I understand how they feel.

We talked about writing a book (sister C's idea) with pictures for the little sisters to help tell their family story and show their entire family including aunts, uncles, cousins, parents and grandparents who all love and adore them.  I tried to show that we should try to deal with this in a positive way rather than attack CA and KM.

As we prove every day in this house, family is about love not names or labels like "aunt," "uncle," or "cousin." 

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For A's 13th birthday, I made "Herping with A****" shirts to support his YouTube channel on herpetology.  I made shirts for the entire family.  It was so funny and the kind of spontaneous, goofy sort of thing the old Peg loved to do.  He was so cute when he first saw them, saying, "Mom, I've got a brand!"

Me and the birthday boy sporting our shirts.

The whole family.

E, my mom and dad.

M and her beautiful smile.

We love Herping with A****!!

 



If you can see it, the picture on the shirt is a photo A took of a timber rattlesnake last summer.  It was so much fun celebrating my smart, quirky little boy turn into a teenager.

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My grandfather's funeral is on May 29th.  He died on April 17th.

It makes me so sad.  My cousins couldn't fit it in their schedule and my dad bowed to their wishes.

D is going to do a reading.  Sister C is doing a eulogy. 

We've talked a lot about death these past days and weeks.  More than usual, which says a lot.  There's nothing like having the tough conversations to make you realize how challenging parenting can be. 

I've realized though that it's these difficult conversations that help you earn those parenting badges that you can be proud of...although I have to say I really love those shirts.

Caregiver

I was talking to little sister C yesterday on the phone and stating with disbelief that CA had gone to Brunei (yes you heard that right) for 10 days, leaving the girls with the au pair and KM.  She did not have to go on this trip.  It is not work related (she is a high school history teacher). But she wanted to go and so she did.  Leaving, knowing that her wife has been struggling with her role in parenting (doesn't really like kids) and had just started a new job after almost 2 years without work.  Purposely missing Easter with the girls and with our family.

During my ramblings of disbelief, C finally interjected and said, "Peg, we just have to come to terms with the fact that CA sees her role as a caregiver not a mom.  We can't possibly understand her decisions because we parent and she sees herself as merely a caregiver.  The family needed her to take the girls and she did, but this sacrifice isn't going to keep her from doing what she wants to do.  In her mind, she took the girls so she deserves to go away and get a break.  In her mind, she is leaving the girls with two other caregivers so what does it matter.  We have to face facts that KT and MG are being taken care of, but not mothered in the way Jeanne or the rest of us would.  That completely sucks, but that's just the way it is."

Yes, it completely sucks.  It really sucks for KT and MG who are getting adequately cared for (at times still debatable), but not getting an intimate relationship with their parents.  Even the latest au pair has the personality of a brick and there doesn't appear to be any real affection between her and the girls. This is the third au pair the girls have had in two years with the first one being let go after consistent partying and the second one leaving before her contract was done without saying goodbye to the girls.  CA and KM have consistently pick au pairs that they can get along with without considering how they'll interact with a 5 and 6 year old. All of this for two children who have lost their parents, been in three different living situations since the accident and not living with their biological siblings. As a result, the girls behavior at times is atrocious. They often hit, bite,and destroy their way through family get togethers.  MG in particular is withdrawn, and throws killer temper tantrums when she doesn't get her way.

Unfortunately, this also carries over to our house.  We've gotten used to "sister hangovers" from M after she spends any time with them.  She worries about her little sisters and sees the obvious differences between our two families. "Is KT happy?"  "Are they going to be okay?" "Why can't Aunt CA just dress them in clothes that fit and aren't dirty or make them look like boys?"

E asked me yesterday what our plans for Easter were.  I explained our normal schedule and then mentioned that I was hoping to have KT and MG overnight at some point.  I told her that I still had to talk to KM.  "Why aren't you asking Aunt CA?" she questioned, "Isn't she going to be around for Easter?"  I had to explain to her about the random trip to Brunei.  "This is just so wrong Aunt Peg, it always has been and it always will."

How do I respond to that?  I simply stated, "I know honey and I'm really sorry.  I'll do my best to make sure you're with your sisters this weekend."

I finally got hold of KM last night and convinced her to let the little girls come home with us on Sunday night and I'll bring them home on Monday.  Their spring break doesn't coincide with ours so that's about as good as we can do. It was pretty apparent that KM isn't happy about C being gone.  During our conversation, she repeatedly excused herself to yell at MG for not finishing her dinner.  Awkward to say the least.  She seemed pretty stressed out.  I totally get that, but hearing how she talks to the girls is often so hard to stomach, since I rarely hear her talk about or to them with any real signs of affection.

What makes the whole situation harder is that CA presents such a different front to the family (especially my parents) when we get the rare occasion to see them.  Her words just don't reflect her actions.  She hides away from us and is afraid to have authentic interactions with us.  For example, KT was brought to the emergency room for burns and we heard nothing about it.  Her recent diagnosis of severe nut allergies was glossed over, but I have to listen ad nauseaum about how they are both learning Latin in school (pre-K and 1st grade??).  I get lectures about how dangerous the "princess culture" is.  I'm told not to get them books as Christmas or birthday presents because they already have too many (they have one small shelf of books that are way too young for them at this point with no early readers for MG).  I am talked down to like I haven't been parenting for almost 13 years. I know I don't see the whole picture and don't see them on a day-to-day basis.  The fact, however, that I don't really know them anymore and that CA doesn't share their family life with us is so troublesome.  The rest of us just don't operate like that.

I try to have empathy to her situation.  I try to understand how her life of growing up gay in our family has effected her behavior.  What makes it hard is seeing how it's affected the girls.  It's hard to separate my feelings of empathy with my guilt over not taking the girls ourselves.  These are Jeanne's little girls.  Up until the accident, I knew them intimately through my relationship with their mom.  For the first year after the accident, I often cared for them like I was their mom, bringing them to doctor's appointments, reading to them before bed, changing diapers and cuddling on the couch.  I am now mothering their big sisters.

C is right.  I can't make CA be a mom when she had lived 20+ years as an adult choosing not to have kids.  I can't make KM like kids.

I can try to get them over with us when we can.  I guess when you already have 5 kids, what's 7?  I can try to keep a positive relationship between the sisters and try to help my girls when they get upset.  I can continue to reach out to CA and try to model for her a positive sister relationship so we can improve our connection.

Our new family life is already hard enough and the bleed over from theirs makes things even more complicated. I just wish things were different.

Flip side

This weekend was KT's 5th birthday party.  K and I were unable to be there due to sports conflicts with the big boys.  C took L and M to the party, and we let E drive (on the beltway) to the party since she had to swim.

Immediately after the party, I got all kinds of reports from people who attended.  L had a great time and was the kid who busted open the pinata.  According to C, M and KT spent a significant amount of time together one-on-one and M was great.  C innocently told me that on the way home, M told her she asked KT about how much of their old life she remembers.  C thought this sounded sweet and M seemed fine...my red flags went up.  E showed up right as the party was ending, claiming she got out of the pool late.  She stayed 25 minutes and left.  Again, everyone thought this was great that she stayed, but she had nothing else going on that afternoon and could have stayed hours to play with her sisters.  My red flags raised slightly higher, especially after she sent me texts that it was the worst swim day of her entire career (her times did not reflect that in the least).

This weekend was a perfect example of how people see the girls and think that everything is hunky dory as long as they are smiling and seem happy.  I'm not saying they aren't generally happy kids, but their grief is often a palpable feeling in our house and there is nothing we can do to help.

Nobody wants to acknowledge that fact that we separated these 4 girls, after they already lost the two most important people in their young lives.  I know it was a reality that we tried to avoid and failed, but it doesn't make it any easier to stomach.

All day Saturday I got the happy texts from my sisters and my dad.  Party was great, girls were great, all is wonderful.

But I remember last year after KT's birthday.  M ended up in the ER.  E refused to swim claiming her heart just hurt too much.

Unfortunately, my gut won out on this.  I got home around 8:40pm after doing a switch down in Richmond with K for D's soccer tournament.  Within minutes of me getting home, M broke out in horrible hives and started acting weird. After ruling out a food reaction, I figure out it was stress hives.  My poor little girl.  A dose of Benadryl and cuddling up with me on the couch calmed her down enough so she could go to bed a little after midnight.

No hives on Sunday, but a repeat on Monday gave us a physical reminder of the girls' grief.  As we explained to the boys on Sunday afternoon...the girls miss their sisters.  We can try to ignore it, but sometimes a bout of hives drives the truth home.  It sucks, for all of us.

On the flip side, though, this year didn't result in a trip to the emergency room, and E swam great Sunday morning,  getting another personal best and junior nationals cut.  We were able to talk to M about her hives and why they happened in an honest and straightforward way, which was definitely different from last year.  K has been especially good checking in on her the last two days and giving her some extra love.

We're making strides one glacial inch at a time.  I hope for the day when everyone else's vision of our family is the true reflection. I'll take these little victories for now, though, even if my assessment is based on just different levels of suck.