"That was so much fun mom. It was like we were a family again."
These words came out of A's mouth as we pulled away from the golf course on Monday night. M was at soccer camp with her team (5 days of a M break was nice) and E was at the beach for the day with the swim team.
I came up with the idea coming out of a pretty good therapy session. A family golf night at our local par 3 followed by dinner at Friendly's. I haven't touched a golf club in 14 years (since before pregnant with A), but the boys play with their dad regularly. We figured the four of us would play, and L could walk the course and putt for me.
We had an amazing time. The weather was gorgeous. The boys were relaxed and shocked that their mom could actually play golf. We laughed and simply enjoyed being together.
Once the words came out of his mouth, I could tell A felt guilty. He tried to cover it up by saying he meant it felt like old times and that he knew we were still a family. L jumped in with, "We used to be a family of 5, but now we have 7. We are still a family A! We just now have girls." I didn't want him to feel guilty (I have enough of that by myself), so I jumped in and said, "I know what you mean buddy. That was lots of fun. We should do it again." A is such a quiet, even keel kind of guy, that his words hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt that the best I could do was acknowledge his feelings.
I thought about that night a lot this week.
Living with grieving children is really hard. Not only do they miss their parents, but their family was broken apart. I know this isn't our fault. At times, however, the girls treat the five of us like it is. Their profound grief squeezes the rest of our grief out of the way like we don't have the right to grieve or miss our old life.
I lost my sister and brother-in-law.
A, D and L lost their aunt and uncle who they loved very much.
K lost his sister and brother-in-law.
The 5 of us lost of a part of our family identity.
Family relationships have been severed, re-built, and strained.
The five of us try to hide these losses. The girls' behavior makes us feel like we're in some sort of grief competition and they win by default, and with no mercy rule.
When they aren't around, we all feel our losses as a nuclear family. We notice how much less tension and stress there is between us and around us. I don't mean to blame the girls in any way (can you say more guilt). This is our reality, though, and it feels good to say it even if it's only on my blog.
I know we did the right thing taking the girls. I just wish the boys didn't have to feel the effects as much.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Crossing the Line
I had a really annoying conversation with C this morning that has stuck with me as the day has gone on. It reiterated once more to me that while K and I have the respsonsibility of taking care of these two girls and put up with all of their crap, at the same time trying to give our boys the life we wanted for them, nobody in our family really sees us as full parents to the girls.
I get this. Sorta.
Backstory is required on this one. So, last week E got her SAT scores back and they are really good (2230 good). This with her grades, extracurriculars and overall story, opens doors to lots of choices for her for college. Pretty much anywhere she wants to go. She is still talking about the Naval Academy, but we don't want her to go there and since she is way behind on the application process, I don't really think she wants to go there, but has this glossed over image of what being in the Navy will be like. Her dad was a Navy pilot briefly and I suspect she thinks this will honor his memory in some way. If she eventually wants to join the Navy, we can't stop her, but I don't think she has the emotional maturity at this time to make a career decision. There are tons of other reasons why I don't want her to go to Navy, but that's the biggie.
C and I were discussing this and as the conversation turned to some of the other schools she's looking at (Northwestern, Princeton, Bucknell, William and Mary) I made the big mistake of mentioning the cost of some of these out-of-state schools and whether or not $62K per year is worth it, when she can go to W&M (in-state school) and get a great education AND swim there (which is what she wants to do). I also don't think E really wants to be too far from home. Too far away from her family (her immediate family, her sisters, or the rest of the gang). Her issues with attachment make this especially true.
The line then got crossed over. C told me that SHE didn't think E would be enjoy William and Mary despite how much we loved it. I mentioned that some of the Ivy League schools are really expensive and while we're looking into all the financial aid stuff, she also wouldn't be able to swim there. She said, "Peggy you need to get over this William and Mary thing. I really don't think she'll do well there. I want a fresh start for her and going to the same place we went doesn't do that."
She went on to lecture me how Jeanne and Mike had the plan for swimming to pay her way through school, but since money isn't an option any more she should go to the best academic school which will set her up for life (i.e., the Harvards, etc.). I said that E wants to swim in college. She wants the whole package, academics and swimming, which W&M and Bucknell will give her. I also explained that K is looking in to all of the finance aspect of this to make sure she has all of these options (scholarships, financial aid, etc.) and we would never keep her from going where she wants, but at this point we're still in the preliminary stages. There are still tons of schools out there we need to investigate.
It wasn't really what she said that bothered me, but the tone of her voice. Her attitude that she could "tell" me what I "had" to do without the pretense of friendly advice or "in my opinion" tones. I know she loves E and wants what is best for her, but she crossed the line and I actually think she knows it. I was talking to her about E and college choices as a way to share and vent a little. She certainly wouldn't talk to me in that manner if it was one of the boys. What was hard too, was that she also made statements like "it's her decision not yours and when she turns 18 you have no more say." Of course it's E's decision, but as her parents now we want to help her make the right decision and just because we adopted her later in her childhood doesn't mean that we don't get a say or that we don't care like we would with the other kids. Moreover, we don't stop being her parents when she turns 18. We don't stop being her family.
The underlying feeling from the conversation was that in her eyes we aren't E's parents. It struck me as funny since she complains all the time that CA is just acting as a caregiver for the little girls, but at the same time in her heart merely sees K and I as caregivers for the big girls. I know there are confusing feelings since they tried to parent them and gave up. They chose not to parent these kids. I don't want to discount her feelings. I wanted to scream into the phone, however, "keep those feelings to yourself! This isn't helping me!!" At the end, I felt that C's aunt relationship E trumps our sister relationship. I know it's more complicated than that, but in the aftermath of a pretty uncomfortable conversation, that's how I feel.
I'll stay on my side of the line and won't call her out on it. I'll contiue to do the best I can for all of our kids. C definitely has some stuff to sort out with regards to the girls and the accident. I wish it didn't have to sometimes be at my emotional expense.
I get this. Sorta.
Backstory is required on this one. So, last week E got her SAT scores back and they are really good (2230 good). This with her grades, extracurriculars and overall story, opens doors to lots of choices for her for college. Pretty much anywhere she wants to go. She is still talking about the Naval Academy, but we don't want her to go there and since she is way behind on the application process, I don't really think she wants to go there, but has this glossed over image of what being in the Navy will be like. Her dad was a Navy pilot briefly and I suspect she thinks this will honor his memory in some way. If she eventually wants to join the Navy, we can't stop her, but I don't think she has the emotional maturity at this time to make a career decision. There are tons of other reasons why I don't want her to go to Navy, but that's the biggie.
C and I were discussing this and as the conversation turned to some of the other schools she's looking at (Northwestern, Princeton, Bucknell, William and Mary) I made the big mistake of mentioning the cost of some of these out-of-state schools and whether or not $62K per year is worth it, when she can go to W&M (in-state school) and get a great education AND swim there (which is what she wants to do). I also don't think E really wants to be too far from home. Too far away from her family (her immediate family, her sisters, or the rest of the gang). Her issues with attachment make this especially true.
The line then got crossed over. C told me that SHE didn't think E would be enjoy William and Mary despite how much we loved it. I mentioned that some of the Ivy League schools are really expensive and while we're looking into all the financial aid stuff, she also wouldn't be able to swim there. She said, "Peggy you need to get over this William and Mary thing. I really don't think she'll do well there. I want a fresh start for her and going to the same place we went doesn't do that."
She went on to lecture me how Jeanne and Mike had the plan for swimming to pay her way through school, but since money isn't an option any more she should go to the best academic school which will set her up for life (i.e., the Harvards, etc.). I said that E wants to swim in college. She wants the whole package, academics and swimming, which W&M and Bucknell will give her. I also explained that K is looking in to all of the finance aspect of this to make sure she has all of these options (scholarships, financial aid, etc.) and we would never keep her from going where she wants, but at this point we're still in the preliminary stages. There are still tons of schools out there we need to investigate.
It wasn't really what she said that bothered me, but the tone of her voice. Her attitude that she could "tell" me what I "had" to do without the pretense of friendly advice or "in my opinion" tones. I know she loves E and wants what is best for her, but she crossed the line and I actually think she knows it. I was talking to her about E and college choices as a way to share and vent a little. She certainly wouldn't talk to me in that manner if it was one of the boys. What was hard too, was that she also made statements like "it's her decision not yours and when she turns 18 you have no more say." Of course it's E's decision, but as her parents now we want to help her make the right decision and just because we adopted her later in her childhood doesn't mean that we don't get a say or that we don't care like we would with the other kids. Moreover, we don't stop being her parents when she turns 18. We don't stop being her family.
The underlying feeling from the conversation was that in her eyes we aren't E's parents. It struck me as funny since she complains all the time that CA is just acting as a caregiver for the little girls, but at the same time in her heart merely sees K and I as caregivers for the big girls. I know there are confusing feelings since they tried to parent them and gave up. They chose not to parent these kids. I don't want to discount her feelings. I wanted to scream into the phone, however, "keep those feelings to yourself! This isn't helping me!!" At the end, I felt that C's aunt relationship E trumps our sister relationship. I know it's more complicated than that, but in the aftermath of a pretty uncomfortable conversation, that's how I feel.
I'll stay on my side of the line and won't call her out on it. I'll contiue to do the best I can for all of our kids. C definitely has some stuff to sort out with regards to the girls and the accident. I wish it didn't have to sometimes be at my emotional expense.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Kinship
I'm a researcher and analyst by trade. This often spills into my personal life. M has ADHD, I'll do all the research I can to understand her. Weird rash, I'm all over WebMD. When D struggles with his eating I've read and re-read "How to take the fight out of food." In the past 5 months, I've done extensive research on pulmonary embolisms, DVT's, and genetic clotting disorders, not to mention prostrate cancer.
I tend to face challenges in my life by digging in and trying to find an answer, whether it's a blog, online article, book, or going to an expert in person.
When it comes to our family, as evidenced on this blog, I'm a bit stumped. I've done research on loss, grief in children, etc. Some of it helps, and some of it doesn't. There isn't much out there on loss of both parents at the same time in a car accident. There isn't much out there on helping your biological children adjust after adopting two of their cousins whose sisters are living with their lesbian aunt. Many well-meaning people have compared our situation to divorced families who have to negotiate step-parenting and step or half siblings. Nice try, but this really doesn't fit either.
In order to understand how to help both the girls and the boys adapt, I started looking at the adoption angle and I found out a category for us...sorta.
Turns out we've done a kinship adoption or are practicing kinship care. I got almost giddy when I found out about this. We have a label! There has to be tons of stuff out there on kinship adoption!
Ummm...no. Most of the support groups, advice, etc. on kinship adoptions is for grandparents adopting their grandchildren. There's lots of stuff about parenting again, after already raising your own children. I even found help for grandparents to understand the new trends in parenting.
I'd be lying if I didn't say how disappointed I was.
I'm still hoping for something or someone to help explain our family. Help for all of us in this adjustment, kids and adults alike. I'm grasping for something to make me feel less alone. An answer.
Whenever the girls are being particularly trying and make declarations that we're not really their family, K likes to joke that we were already family before the accident. We all already loved each other. I may not have raised these girls from birth, but I was right there at both of their births, and walked side-by-side with Jeanne while she parented them.
The accident, in so many ways, blew up our family. We're still struggling to figure out how all the pieces fit together. On the other hand, though, it's expanded our conceptions of family and love. That can't be a bad thing, right?
I tend to face challenges in my life by digging in and trying to find an answer, whether it's a blog, online article, book, or going to an expert in person.
When it comes to our family, as evidenced on this blog, I'm a bit stumped. I've done research on loss, grief in children, etc. Some of it helps, and some of it doesn't. There isn't much out there on loss of both parents at the same time in a car accident. There isn't much out there on helping your biological children adjust after adopting two of their cousins whose sisters are living with their lesbian aunt. Many well-meaning people have compared our situation to divorced families who have to negotiate step-parenting and step or half siblings. Nice try, but this really doesn't fit either.
In order to understand how to help both the girls and the boys adapt, I started looking at the adoption angle and I found out a category for us...sorta.
Turns out we've done a kinship adoption or are practicing kinship care. I got almost giddy when I found out about this. We have a label! There has to be tons of stuff out there on kinship adoption!
Ummm...no. Most of the support groups, advice, etc. on kinship adoptions is for grandparents adopting their grandchildren. There's lots of stuff about parenting again, after already raising your own children. I even found help for grandparents to understand the new trends in parenting.
I'd be lying if I didn't say how disappointed I was.
I'm still hoping for something or someone to help explain our family. Help for all of us in this adjustment, kids and adults alike. I'm grasping for something to make me feel less alone. An answer.
Whenever the girls are being particularly trying and make declarations that we're not really their family, K likes to joke that we were already family before the accident. We all already loved each other. I may not have raised these girls from birth, but I was right there at both of their births, and walked side-by-side with Jeanne while she parented them.
The accident, in so many ways, blew up our family. We're still struggling to figure out how all the pieces fit together. On the other hand, though, it's expanded our conceptions of family and love. That can't be a bad thing, right?
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