A Night

Last night was senior night for E's high school swim team. It was the last time she'll swim for her school in a dual meet (when the entire team is there). She still has two more championship meets in the next two weeks for school, but this is a special night to acknowledge the seniors.  We all were there including my dad, sister C and her three kids.

We made signs and completely embarrassed her.  It was awesome.  She was the only senior who had so much support from either team and the coach even came up to comment how cool it was.

 

My dad put together a photo frame with pictures of her swimming each of the four strokes. It was very cool.

 

Afterwards, we all went out to dinner (C and her kids included) at a cool, new brick oven pizza place.  The stars aligned for an ice storm last night which gave us a 2 hour delay for school today.  This gave everyone a little extra sleep after a late, fun night.

 

It's nights like this that reminds me of how much I love our family.  A reminder of how we are creating a beautiful life for all the kids despite crappy circumstances. 

 

It's all a little bittersweet.  I'm glad we were all there, but still wish it was her parents sitting in the stands cheering her on and then Jeanne calling me on her way home to tell me how it was.  These moments in the girls' lives that they are missing are happy and sad all at the same time.  It's not the first time and certainly not the last, but this is still one area where time hasn't been the cure all.  It still hurts.  A lot.

At Home

I left alone, I left the world I was running,
To be by your side I was dying,
alone by your side I was flying.
I came alone, I've come a long way to get here,
The leaves they fall to my feet, at home,
They mean nothing to me

"At Home," Crystal Fighters

Dinner was done early tonight.  K is working late so it was just me and the kids.  Everyone was at the table, happily eating and joking with each other.  Things felt right.  So right, I started folding laundry and decided we needed a little impromptu sing along and dance party with the old Ipod.

We started easy with a little "Hey Ho" by the Lumineers.  This was quickly followed by "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt.  The kids all sang at the top of their lungs, inserting silly lines as I danced around the room, smiling and feeling...well, content.

M picked a little ditty by the Waterboys called "The Glastonbury Song" which has become a favorite of hers.  An oldie but goodie for me, but new to her.  She got up, singing and dancing while the boys sang along and clapped their hands.  She was at ease and happy.  The joy on her face and in her movement was precious.  Music can do that to the humans in this house.

Then she caught herself.  Overwhelmed.  She slid out of the room quietly.  That joy is still too much for the girls.  These moments of sinking into our family and feeling at home still feels like a betrayal.  I know not to push it. 

The boys and I are still jamming.  We've learned not to stop our fun all the time to accommodate their grief. 

"All I Want" by Kodaline is on.  "If you loved me, why'd you leave me...All I want is, All I need is to find somebody like you..."

All I want and what I pray for is that those feelings of joy won't feel like betrayal for E and M. That these feelings of of peace and contentment don't still surprise the boys and I when they include the girls.  I guess I just want all of us to feel at home. 

For now Franz Ferdinand "Can't Stop This Feeling" is on and I feel like getting my groove on and rocking out.

Tired

Everything K has done in the last week around the house is been prefaced with a "furlough."  He worked on his "furlough grass" and made some not that great "furlough meat loaf" one night for dinner.  We add this bit of levity to keep the kids from worrying about things, and to keep the two of us from losing it.  K is trying to pick up the slack around here since he is off of work. In some ways it is helpful. Running to the store. Making dinner a few nights last week. Driving kids to practice because he's home. Our family cadence is a bit off around here, though, as we all get used to him stepping in where I usual take charge.  Sometimes it's just easier to do it myself when I have to take so much time explaining all the why's and how's involved with keeping the family train on the tracks.

Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest.  You have been forewarned.

Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party.  D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game.  It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.

I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day.  I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible.  A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously. 

Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm.  During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about.  M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs.  She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.

Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed.  Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today.  My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.

M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it.  School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school.  It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder.  It's not just school.  Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability.  This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate.  I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress.  ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination.  I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.

All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.

I'm so tired today.  Bone tired.  The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep.  Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression.  I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight.  If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.

Stats, Furloughs, and the Month of October

I'm pretty active on Facebook.  I post funny things about the kids, pictures from vacations and, of course, all of A's videos on herpetology and skateboarding.  I especially like how this forum has allowed me to keep in touch with, and often reacquaint myself with, childhood friends and teammates.  I like Facebook.

I've mentioned it a few times around here about how the girls get significantly more attention in comparison to the boys.  My parents are the worst in this area.  I'm getting used to my parents first asking about the girls and then the boys get an inquiry almost as an afterthought or something they know they are "supposed" to do.  C and S think I'm exaggerating about this, but they too cross this line and, frankly, have absolutely no idea what it's like for our family.  I think at this point the boys blow it off and shrug their shoulders, simply accepting that grandma and grandpa go to all of M's games and E gets special dinners.  I can't tell you how many times a day I get the dreaded question, "How ARE the girls?" It gets so old.  It still hurts my feelings.

On Facebook, however, the stats are right there.  If I post anything about the girls (which I do just as much as the boys), I get quadruple the amount of likes.  People who don't even know the girls add comments and light up that blue thumbs up.  I don't know why it bothers me.  Am I secretly still harboring sibling rivalry with my dead sister?  Is my frustration colored by the experiences with my family?  Am I jealous for the boys? Why do I have a problem with the attention the girls get?  Their story is undoubtedly sad and tragic.  I think maybe some of these feelings stem from my need to get people to understand that yes, the girls lost their parents, but they have a family and we're taking care of them. I don't want them or us as a family to continue to be defined by tragedy.  We have five kids and work hard everyday to treat them the same even when everyone outside of this house doesn't.

Or maybe this is all in my head.  As Chris Rock once said, though, "You can't argue math.  Everything else is debatable."  In this case, the stats don't lie.

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If I see one more post or comment from people about "essential" federal employees, blah, blah, blah, I'm going to scream.  These are real people with real families and mortgages, bills and expenses.  My husband works really hard and is very good at what he does.  He hasn't had a raise in years.  He works in the public sector because he wants his job to have a purpose. He is now sitting up in bed reading sports news on his nook.  One day not getting paid, probably no big deal.  Weeks not getting paid...we could have issues.

Congress passed a law.  The Supreme Court upheld it.  An idiot group within Congress is attempting to thwart our legislative process and is willing to have the government shutdown.  Obamacare has NOTHING to do with the budget (it's an insidious law that actually makes sure EVERYONE in the country has access to health insurance...egads!).  In my day, we called this being poor sports.  It makes me absolutely sick.  In the meantime, I'm going to continue to work my butt off just in case I have to be the sole breadwinner in the house.

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I hate the month of October.  The accident was in October.  This month last year K almost died. C and I were talking yesterday that we question everything we do during the month of October thinking that it's colored by our feelings at this time. This will be four years since the accident.  It still feels like it was yesterday.  It still feels that in 23 days we'll have to relive it all over again.

Between a Rock...

We are starting to come to head with CA with issues with the little girls.  Sister C and I have been talking on the phone and in person in the last 2 days about our worries about MG (age 7), in particular, but the girls' overall well-being.

According to CA, MG is being referred to a psychiatrist because her therapist she was seeing says she can't do anything else for her.  We got this information from my dad, and none of it makes sense.  She is supposedly having huge meltdowns and "spiralling out of control" since my grandfather died in April and father's day.  None of this makes logical sense.  She supposedly has no issues in school and whenever we see her, which isn't that often, she seems completely fine.  The "fits" CA describes sound exactly like a 7 year old tantrum when she doesn't get her way.

What is most disconcerting is that we get no information from CA about MG.  I think she feels so defensive about sharing with us, that we are left in the complete dark.  Unfortunately, though, what she does share with us just doesn't make any sense.  C and I are both raising kids the exact same age AND I've gone through that age 2 other times. None of the anecdotes make sense and at times it appears that she is projecting adult feelings and reactions to a kid.

The strange thing also is that we never hear anything about KT, whose social behavior with the other cousins is often unsettling. 

My mind at 3am starts running down explanations for what is really going on.  Is she having issues?  Why is she still having such severe problems when her original therapist (someone we trust implicitly) graduated her from therapy over 2 years ago.  Is something going on at home that we don't know about?  What about the creepy nanny that we all can't stand?  Is all of this just a bunch of lies from CA in order to get attention and sympathy from all of us? 

The big problem is that we (C, S and I) feel completely paralyzed.  If we try to approach CA about it, we all worry it's going to backfire again and she'll pull the girls further away.  I can't afford to do this again for E and M's sake.  My parents are absolutely no help at all.  C got screamed at by both my parents last night when she mentioned to them her doubts about CA's explanations.  My mom's mental health right now is so fragile that she wants to live in la la land and not want anything to be wrong.

I could stick my head in the sand with a perfectly reasonable excuse of having too much on my plate.

But these little girls are E and M's sisters.  They are my sweet, funny nieces who didn't deserve any of this and do deserve and happy, fun-filled childhood.

They are Jeanne's babies.

The one thing I do know is that I'm sick of worrying and complaining.  Something needs to be done and I hope we have the courage as a family to address it.

The Squeeze

"That was so much fun mom.  It was like we were a family again."

These words came out of A's mouth as we pulled away from the golf course on Monday night.  M was at soccer camp with her team (5 days of a M break was nice) and E was at the beach for the day with the swim team. 

I came up with the idea coming out of a pretty good therapy session.  A family golf night at our local par 3 followed by dinner at Friendly's.  I haven't touched a golf club in 14 years (since before pregnant with A), but the boys play with their dad regularly.  We figured the four of us would play, and L could walk the course and putt for me.

We had an amazing time.  The weather was gorgeous.  The boys were relaxed and shocked that their mom could actually play golf.  We laughed and simply enjoyed being together.

Once the words came out of his mouth, I could tell A felt guilty.  He tried to cover it up by saying he meant it felt like old times and that he knew we were still a family.  L jumped in with, "We used to be a family of 5, but now we have 7.  We are still a family A!  We just now have girls."  I didn't want him to feel guilty (I have enough of that by myself), so I jumped in and said, "I know what you mean buddy.  That was lots of fun.  We should do it again."  A is such a quiet, even keel kind of guy, that his words hit me like a ton of bricks.  I felt that the best I could do was acknowledge his feelings.

I thought about that night a lot this week.

Living with grieving children is really hard.  Not only do they miss their parents, but their family was broken apart.  I know this isn't our fault.  At times, however, the girls treat the five of us like it is.  Their profound grief squeezes the rest of our grief out of the way like we don't have the right to grieve or miss our old life.

I lost my sister and brother-in-law.

A, D and L lost their aunt and uncle who they loved very much.

K lost his sister and brother-in-law.

The 5 of us lost of a part of our family identity.

Family relationships have been severed, re-built, and strained.

The five of us try to hide these losses.  The girls' behavior makes us feel like we're in some sort of grief competition and they win by default, and with no mercy rule.

When they aren't around, we all feel our losses as a nuclear family.  We notice how much less tension and stress there is between us and around us. I don't mean to blame the girls in any way (can you say more guilt).  This is our reality, though, and it feels good to say it even if it's only on my blog.

I know we did the right thing taking the girls.  I just wish the boys didn't have to feel the effects as much.

Brain Dump

I've been a bit absent on the blog of late due to many reasons.  The main one being life.  It's mostly the good kinda busy.  Paid work, family work and sprinklings of fun.  To catch everyone up, here's a list:

1.  We went to the beach.  It was mostly fun.  Weather was bad.  K and D missed most of it due to all-star baseball.  That kinda sucked.  I missed both of them and single parenting at the beach was tough.  To make up for D missing the beach, K is bringing the big boys to a "boys" weekend.  Good for them, but I'll miss them.  I don't like the split vacations and it's another reminder that without the girls we wouldn't be doing it.

2.  A got his cast off yesterday.  Yay!  He's walking funny still and has to do some therapy, but we're hoping he'll be back to normal activities in a few weeks.  Hopefully good as new by our vacation in Hilton Head and back on the soccer field in mid-August.

3.  The girls are, well, the girls.  My new easy breezy approach is helping a bit.  I'm starting to come to the realization that my ability to to teach, shape or mold their lives may be limited.  In lots of ways, they came to us already formed and while those personalities often clash with our family, accepting it's not our fault feels better.  A little less guilt is always a good thing.

4.  I hate swim team.  It does not gel with our family.  But the girls swim and it's been a great way for them to make friends and become part of our neighborhood.  I'm trying to help when I can, but in general I find it one step too far.  Only 3 weeks left including divisionals and all-stars so I see the end in sight.

5.  K's relationship with M has really been going well.  His relationship with E has pretty much stayed the same.  They speak to each other only when necessary and it's usually prompted by him with 2-3 words responses from E.  He has never tried to replace her dad.  It's sad to see how she keeps him at such a distance.

6.  The neurologist does not think my mom has Parkinson's.  My dad sounded upset by this since I think he wanted a magic pill to make things better. She goes for more tests this week.  I feel really bad for her.  I feel really bad for both of them.

7.  I helped sister C with her twins' 7th birthday party last weekend.  It was a beach theme and loads of fun.  I didn't have the time to help, but doing it made me feel good.  L had an awesome time at the party.  The highlight was giving them their "very own" chess set after he taught both of them to play last week.  I love cousin love.

8.  Last week L and D walked directly into a wasp nest during one of our "herping with A" outings.  One sting for L and about 15 for D.  It was really scary and painful for both of them.  A seemed more concerned that he missed getting the two ring-necked snakes he had caught on film.  Love the brotherly love.

9.  It's finally nice and hot in these parts so we spent lots of time at the pool the last two days.  L's swimming is coming right along.  C's and her kids came with us yesterday and the cousin peer pressure enticed all the kids to up their swimming prowess.

10.  Lots of college stuff going on with E.  Coaches are calling which is really cool.  Her leading schools so far are William and Mary, Bucknell, Rice and still Navy.  Class rankings just came out, so with her number one ranking, awesome SAT scores, five 5's on her AP exams and her grades, the sky is the limit.  The trick is finding the academic fit with someplace she can swim.  At times the thought of her going away to college is overwhelming.  At other times it's freeing.  Complicated feelings to say the least.

Crossing the Line

I had a really annoying conversation with C this morning that has stuck with me as the day has gone on.  It reiterated once more to me that while K and I have the respsonsibility of taking care of these two girls and put up with all of their crap, at the same time trying to give our boys the life we wanted for them, nobody in our family really sees us as full parents to the girls.

I get this.  Sorta.

Backstory is required on this one.  So, last week E got her SAT scores back and they are really good (2230 good).  This with her grades, extracurriculars and overall story, opens doors to lots of choices for her for college.  Pretty much anywhere she wants to go.  She is still talking about the Naval Academy, but we don't want her to go there and since she is way behind on the application process, I don't really think she wants to go there, but has this glossed over image of what being in the Navy will be like. Her dad was a Navy pilot briefly and I suspect she thinks this will honor his memory in some way.  If she eventually wants to join the Navy, we can't stop her, but I don't think she has the emotional maturity at this time to make a career decision.  There are tons of other reasons why I don't want her to go to Navy, but that's the biggie. 

C and I were discussing this and as the conversation turned to some of the other schools she's looking at (Northwestern, Princeton, Bucknell, William and Mary) I made the big mistake of mentioning the cost of some of these out-of-state schools and whether or not $62K per year is worth it, when she can go to W&M (in-state school) and get a great education AND swim there (which is what she wants to do).  I also don't think E really wants to be too far from home.  Too far away from her family (her immediate family, her sisters, or the rest of the gang).  Her issues with attachment make this especially true.

The line then got crossed over. C told me that SHE didn't think E would be enjoy William and Mary despite how much we loved it.  I mentioned that some of the Ivy League schools are really expensive and while we're looking into all the financial aid stuff, she also wouldn't be able to swim there.  She said, "Peggy you need to get over this William and Mary thing.  I really don't think she'll do well there. I want a fresh start for her and going to the same place we went doesn't do that."

She went on to lecture me how Jeanne and Mike had the plan for swimming to pay her way through school, but since money isn't an option any more she should go to the best academic school which will set her up for life (i.e., the Harvards, etc.).  I said that E wants to swim in college.  She wants the whole package, academics and swimming, which W&M and Bucknell will give her.  I also explained that K is looking in to all of the finance aspect of this to make sure she has all of these options (scholarships, financial aid, etc.) and we would never keep her from going where she wants, but at this point we're still in the preliminary stages.  There are still tons of schools out there we need to investigate.

It wasn't really what she said that bothered me, but the tone of her voice.  Her attitude that she could "tell" me what I "had" to do without the pretense of friendly advice or "in my opinion" tones. I know she loves E and wants what is best for her, but she crossed the line and I actually think she knows it.  I was talking to her about E and college choices as a way to share and vent a little.  She certainly wouldn't talk to me in that manner if it was one of the boys.  What was hard too, was that she also made statements like "it's her decision not yours and when she turns 18 you have no more say."  Of course it's E's decision, but as her parents now we want to help her make the right decision and just because we adopted her later in her childhood doesn't mean that we don't get a say or that we don't care like we would with the other kids.  Moreover, we don't stop being her parents when she turns 18.  We don't stop being her family.

The underlying feeling from the conversation was that in her eyes we aren't E's parents.  It struck me as funny since she complains all the time that CA is just acting as a caregiver for the little girls, but at the same time in her heart merely sees K and I as caregivers for the big girls.  I know there are confusing feelings since they tried to parent them and gave up.  They chose not to parent these kids.  I don't want to discount her feelings.  I wanted to scream into the phone, however, "keep those feelings to yourself!  This isn't helping me!!" At the end, I felt that C's aunt relationship E trumps our sister relationship.  I know it's more complicated than that, but in the aftermath of a pretty uncomfortable conversation, that's how I feel.

I'll stay on my side of the line and won't call her out on it. I'll contiue to do the best I can for all of our kids. C definitely has some stuff to sort out with regards to the girls and the accident.  I wish it didn't have to sometimes be at my emotional expense.

A list

1.  My grandfather's funeral is tomorrow.  Reception here.  My cousins are being annoying.  My dad spelled my cousin's daughter's name wrong on the draft program.  I took over and missed the wrong spelling.  It's printed, folded and done.  While driving down from NY he just asked if it could be changed.  Good grief.  Reception is here.  Not ready at all, but will be.  It's looking like a long night.  Just trying to focus on Grandpa and trying to stay positive for him. 

2.  Girls are being annoying as usual this evening.  M is making everything about her.  E is complaining once again about us making her go to bed at 8:30 pm at night during the summer so she can get up at 3:45 am to swim.  She somehow thought we'd be more lenient.  She stated tonight that she thought I was being unreasonable. She is absolutely clueless.  Her inability to have fun this summer is all my fault because I make her go to bed and get less than 6 hours of sleep and get behind the wheel of a car.

3. In good news, E had a great swim meet last weekend without a bad race in the bunch and a slew of best times.  She also rocked out the SATs and got the William and Mary Leadership Award this week.  Very proud of her.

4.  The boys are good.  Surprisingly, they keep plodding on and continue to be such sweet, funny and goofy boys.  A saved a snake last week that was stuck in a sticky trap in a neighbor's garage.  He calmly extricated the snake (warm water and his snake hook), at the same time educating the entire family on snakes and why they shouldn't be afraid.  It was too cute.

5. Summer break....yay! Summer break....ugh...This means swim team and keeping all the minions occupied while I'm trying to get work done.

6. K and I are doing okay.  I'm working hard to be patient and try not to worry too much about his health. 

7.  I'm tired.  I still have tons of things to do to get ready for tomorrow.  I can feel the tension growing in my jaws.  I wish I could put the kids to bed right now and get started.  I've got a case of Dr. Pepper's in the garage fridge that have my name written all over them.  I wish I could just focus on being sad and not have to host the reception.

Dear

Dear Zhea,

E turned 17 on Sunday.

I think you know this.

I hope you know this.

We had a great weekend with her, celebrating with the whole family on Saturday night and as the seven of us last night.  Geoff and Kathleen came to the party Saturday and we drank some of Mike's whiskey, talked about you and cried a bit.

She's grown up a lot this year.  According to her psychiatrist she's turned a corner with her depression and attachment disorder.  We're weaning her off her meds in the next month.

She still can be difficult, prickly and moody.  Some of that is being a teenager.  Some of that is her personality.  Some of that is due to the awful cards she has been dealt.

She worries about her sisters and feels responsible for them.  She fights with M incessantly, though, and really doesn't seem to understand how to help her little sister. 

She especially worries about MG and KT forgetting you.  It breaks my heart.  I'm worried about them too and each time we see them I am overwhelmed by the feeling that that are not where they are supposed to be.  Not who they are supposed to be.  The guilt is suffocating.

She misses you and Mike terribly.  I think she's spent the last 3+ years harping on all the things that have changed and what she's lost (her house, neighborhood, swim team, friends) and she's finally settling into her real grief. She needs to be here, in her loss, but I still want to protect her from the pain and any more heartache.

We talk about you all the time.  I want you to know that a day, and sometimes hour, doesn't go by that I don't think about you and the accident.

The boys are doing fine.  They love the girls and are still adjusting.  We all love them and are doing our best to give them a loving, stable family.  M and K especially are developing a really sweet bond.

As with most holidays, we went through all the motions and did what we're expected to do.  I made E her favorite red velvet cake.  We sang and she blew out the candles.  C and I caught each other's eye as the song ended with tears swelling.  You.  Should. Be. Here.  As much as this was E's day, it was yours too.

I promise to continue to do my best by the girls. I really do love them. I hope you're proud of them.  I hope you're proud of me.

Jeanne, you are forever in my heart.  It still hurts so much to think about our life before the accident and what might have been.

Love you,
Peg