Things I'm writing about that could possible invade or hurt people in our family according to another commenter
--mental health issues (ADHD, anxiety, depression, medication) of the girls
--my sister's sexuality
--family conflict
Summary of comments is that I'm not anonymous enough (even though nobody knows about my blog except for 3 close friends who I tell this stuff in person to anyway). It would be easy to figure out the who, what, and where of our family from our blog and this could be used to damage my family by others OR if the kids find out in the future they will feel I've invaded their privacy.
Things I'm struggling with on this:
--I don't know how to write without being totally honest and telling details of the story.
--As a family, we are very open about the girls mental health issues, especially M's ADHD and anxiety.
--My sister is gay. Everyone knows this and it's not something we hide.
--There is a lot to our family story that I don't share and that is not included in this blog.
--Despite the commenter's best intentions, I now feel horrible and guilty and that this blog, which has given me a great outlet and support system, has been selfish and despite helping me, it's something that inadvertently I have created to potentially hurt my family by invading their privacy.
I'm at a loss with this one. It all comes down to people finding out that I write a blog and then tracking it down. It's easy to do this if you are a reader and can use information from the blog to form search criteria in google, but not that easy if you don't know what you're looking for. If they google about the accident using the names "Jeanne and Mike" they can find their last name but no where in the press is my last name or the names of the girls. I honestly think it is a bit far fetched someone would use information found from my blog to hurt my family.
If in the future the kids or K find my blog and read it, I'm not sure they'd be all that upset. They lived all of this. I think they could be upset that I shared stuff they may feel is private. But again, I wasn't posting this on a billboard or all over facebook to be read by people they interact with on a daily basis or even distant acquaintances. My blog isn't read by very many people.
I feel awful and now incredibly naive and guilty. Another mark on my "I suck at this" chalkboard. I want to write. I need to write. I just don't know whether or not I'm going to be able to continue.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
A Night
Last night was senior night for E's high school swim team. It was the last time she'll swim for her school in a dual meet (when the entire team is there). She still has two more championship meets in the next two weeks for school, but this is a special night to acknowledge the seniors. We all were there including my dad, sister C and her three kids.
We made signs and completely embarrassed her. It was awesome. She was the only senior who had so much support from either team and the coach even came up to comment how cool it was.
We made signs and completely embarrassed her. It was awesome. She was the only senior who had so much support from either team and the coach even came up to comment how cool it was.
My dad put together a photo frame with pictures of her swimming each of the four strokes. It was very cool.
Afterwards, we all went out to dinner (C and her kids included) at a cool, new brick oven pizza place. The stars aligned for an ice storm last night which gave us a 2 hour delay for school today. This gave everyone a little extra sleep after a late, fun night.
It's nights like this that reminds me of how much I love our family. A reminder of how we are creating a beautiful life for all the kids despite crappy circumstances.
It's all a little bittersweet. I'm glad we were all there, but still wish it was her parents sitting in the stands cheering her on and then Jeanne calling me on her way home to tell me how it was. These moments in the girls' lives that they are missing are happy and sad all at the same time. It's not the first time and certainly not the last, but this is still one area where time hasn't been the cure all. It still hurts. A lot.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Tidbits
Bit #1. I got a weird comment (since deleted) that suggested that I'm not anonymous enough and that this will negatively affect the girls in the future. Nothing about the boys, although a reference to K's work. It has put me a bit off my writing game. I hope that the person who wrote the comment had the best intentions. I found it creepy. I guess I got my first troll. If you are reading this and are said troll, I'm sorry if this is offending you, but your suggestion that my little blog could harm the girls is pretty far-fetched. Of course, it did make me question my blog and whether or not I'm being selfish. A few days of thinking and missing writing hopefully has set me back on course. I'm not going to lie, though, I was rattled.
Bit #2. Today is M's birthday! Yay! She is 14 and such a funny, sweet kid. She has certainly gotten served a rough hand, but she gets up every day and tries. We had a joint family birthday celebration for M and D, our February birthdays, last night for the Super Bowl. The party was a blast and both birthday kids had fun. The highlight of the night was my dad giving D the crossed little league bats he made for him to commemorate his little league career (this spring will be his last little league season since he turns 12). The hand turned "D--- Slugger" bats were amazing. He even put a hook on the box holding the bats for his all-star hat. D and my dad have a tense relationship at times and it was so nice to see D give his grandfather multiple hugs throughout the night thanking him for such a great present.
Bit #3. The further and further we get away from October, November, and December, the easier things seem to be around here. The emotional toll of those months is hard on all of us. It's gotten better each year. I think that my recognition of this is actually a good step in the right direction.
Bit #4. We are going into a tornado of sports activities with the kids in the next 7 weeks. I'm not sure how we're going to get through. Swim meets, basketball playoffs, away soccer tournaments....yikes.
Bit #5. Take bit #4 and add to it science fair for two 8th graders, the state geography bee for one 6th grader and two birthday parties. Can you say stressful?
Bit #6. I talked to my therapist today about trying to admit more to myself that things are going well with all of the kids and that I need to cut myself some slack. This is hard for a bit of a control freak and perfectionist. There is always something that needs to be done around here whether it's laundry, cooking, work, cleaning, driving or just hanging with the kids. I'm not sure how to get to the place where I can be satisfied and proud of what I do get done. And, more importantly, proud of how well our family is doing in the big picture. I tell everyone all the time that our new family is still a work in progress. I need to recognize the real progress that we've made. I'm trying.
Bit #2. Today is M's birthday! Yay! She is 14 and such a funny, sweet kid. She has certainly gotten served a rough hand, but she gets up every day and tries. We had a joint family birthday celebration for M and D, our February birthdays, last night for the Super Bowl. The party was a blast and both birthday kids had fun. The highlight of the night was my dad giving D the crossed little league bats he made for him to commemorate his little league career (this spring will be his last little league season since he turns 12). The hand turned "D--- Slugger" bats were amazing. He even put a hook on the box holding the bats for his all-star hat. D and my dad have a tense relationship at times and it was so nice to see D give his grandfather multiple hugs throughout the night thanking him for such a great present.
Bit #3. The further and further we get away from October, November, and December, the easier things seem to be around here. The emotional toll of those months is hard on all of us. It's gotten better each year. I think that my recognition of this is actually a good step in the right direction.
Bit #4. We are going into a tornado of sports activities with the kids in the next 7 weeks. I'm not sure how we're going to get through. Swim meets, basketball playoffs, away soccer tournaments....yikes.
Bit #5. Take bit #4 and add to it science fair for two 8th graders, the state geography bee for one 6th grader and two birthday parties. Can you say stressful?
Bit #6. I talked to my therapist today about trying to admit more to myself that things are going well with all of the kids and that I need to cut myself some slack. This is hard for a bit of a control freak and perfectionist. There is always something that needs to be done around here whether it's laundry, cooking, work, cleaning, driving or just hanging with the kids. I'm not sure how to get to the place where I can be satisfied and proud of what I do get done. And, more importantly, proud of how well our family is doing in the big picture. I tell everyone all the time that our new family is still a work in progress. I need to recognize the real progress that we've made. I'm trying.
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Index Cards
When I was in college, I used to work on research papers using index cards. Each card represented a different topic or a source with all of the bibliographic information and facts gleaned below. When I'm tackling a really complicated project at work, I often pull out the old index cards to provide a familar comfort and tangible representation of my research and thoughts.
Their use has moved into our family life. The kids use them all the time at school for vocabulary words in spanish and study tools. They become shopping lists, to-do lists and notes of love and support tucked into lunches or taped to the front door for E as she leaves for swimming in the wee dark hours.
For this, our third snow day, the big kids were given online assignment #3 from one of their teachers. The 8th graders also had science fair stuff they could do to get ahead and little L had to fill out an animal report due tomorrow (so funny that he chose a spotted salamander and used as his reference "my brother Aidan"). They also had a few chores to do around the house.
Rather than spend all daybugging gently reminding them to get stuff done, I pulled out my trusty cards. Each kid got a card with their responsibilities for the day. I simply handed them out and told them I expected them to get completed by the end of the day. 15 minutes later I looked up from my laptop and saw A and M quietly working at the table. L asked me a few times how to spell something, but other than that he worked diligently on his report including a detailed drawing with body parts identified. I'm not sure how much D got complete, but he's my guy that always seems to get things done without too much harassing encouragement.
I just sent the 4 little guys off to the sled hill, while E went to a friend's house to make some cheesecakes. Korean barbecue beef is in the croc pot and the house is peacefully quiet. I promised them popcorn and hot cocoa when they get back (it's currently 21 degrees out there so not sure how long they'll last), but for now I'm enjoying the calm.
I'm giving full credit to the index card.
Their use has moved into our family life. The kids use them all the time at school for vocabulary words in spanish and study tools. They become shopping lists, to-do lists and notes of love and support tucked into lunches or taped to the front door for E as she leaves for swimming in the wee dark hours.
For this, our third snow day, the big kids were given online assignment #3 from one of their teachers. The 8th graders also had science fair stuff they could do to get ahead and little L had to fill out an animal report due tomorrow (so funny that he chose a spotted salamander and used as his reference "my brother Aidan"). They also had a few chores to do around the house.
Rather than spend all day
I just sent the 4 little guys off to the sled hill, while E went to a friend's house to make some cheesecakes. Korean barbecue beef is in the croc pot and the house is peacefully quiet. I promised them popcorn and hot cocoa when they get back (it's currently 21 degrees out there so not sure how long they'll last), but for now I'm enjoying the calm.
I'm giving full credit to the index card.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
God Help Us...
...school was just cancelled for tomorrow. Let's hope the temperatures get above 20 so I can send them outside in the snow at least for some sledding and snowboarding.
Kory...I'm thinking some cookies might be on our agenda.
Kory...I'm thinking some cookies might be on our agenda.
A Real Snow Day
I'm supposed to be working right now. Computer on my lap. Ipod in my ears. Work stacked next to me. The heavy snow falling outside, however, is incredibly distracting.
The kids are all home....AGAIN. We just had a 4.5 day weekend. They have been off school in the last month and a half more than at school it seems and this is creating a bit of tension around here. I certainly do love them all, but collectively they are driving me and each other kinda crazy. A bit of a mutual break would be nice.
I totally lost my shit yesterday when I got home from therapy and errands and nobody had eaten and nobody was ready for their respective practices and skateboard trips. This was all despite the fact that another adult was in the house and decided at that point to do some yard work rather than feed the 6 year old and remind the others to get ready. I walked in with a pile of groceries (in anticipation of the current snow storm) and they all decided at that moment to get sometime to eat and talk AT me concurrently. For some reason, I just snapped....literally. I yelled for everyone to get out of the kitchen till I was done putting things away, chastised A for not being able to figure out how to make his own lunch, and barked at E that getting out of the kitchen meant her too since she decided to continue making her lunch (IN MY WAY the entire time)...oh and then she proceeded to eat the soup I had gotten for myself.
I went upstairs after putting everything away, locked the door to my room and sat on my bed with my hands literally shaking. Not sure why I was so pissed. Misdirected anger at K? Too many days together in this house having to feed/entertain/discipline the minions? Tired? Low blood sugar? I'm just a cranky shrew?
The 4 little guys rallied from my little temper tantrum and things were back on even keel the rest of the day. E, however, has been sulking and given me the cold shoulder the last 24 hours. Teenagers sure know how to hold grudges. The irony of all of this being that the day before I had driven her all the way up to University of Maryland (an hour away) to swim one race and she decided to scratch after a bad warm up. Did I complain? Nope, I just said I'm sorry she wasn't feeling up to it and drove home.
I'm going to try to make this snow day (or two given the forecast) to see this as a time of peace and respite. A time of cozy hours on the couch. Warm dinners. Lego building. Book reading. Game playing. Good memory making.
NOT the confining, exhausting trap this house is starting to feel like with all of them home.
The kids are all home....AGAIN. We just had a 4.5 day weekend. They have been off school in the last month and a half more than at school it seems and this is creating a bit of tension around here. I certainly do love them all, but collectively they are driving me and each other kinda crazy. A bit of a mutual break would be nice.
I totally lost my shit yesterday when I got home from therapy and errands and nobody had eaten and nobody was ready for their respective practices and skateboard trips. This was all despite the fact that another adult was in the house and decided at that point to do some yard work rather than feed the 6 year old and remind the others to get ready. I walked in with a pile of groceries (in anticipation of the current snow storm) and they all decided at that moment to get sometime to eat and talk AT me concurrently. For some reason, I just snapped....literally. I yelled for everyone to get out of the kitchen till I was done putting things away, chastised A for not being able to figure out how to make his own lunch, and barked at E that getting out of the kitchen meant her too since she decided to continue making her lunch (IN MY WAY the entire time)...oh and then she proceeded to eat the soup I had gotten for myself.
I went upstairs after putting everything away, locked the door to my room and sat on my bed with my hands literally shaking. Not sure why I was so pissed. Misdirected anger at K? Too many days together in this house having to feed/entertain/discipline the minions? Tired? Low blood sugar? I'm just a cranky shrew?
The 4 little guys rallied from my little temper tantrum and things were back on even keel the rest of the day. E, however, has been sulking and given me the cold shoulder the last 24 hours. Teenagers sure know how to hold grudges. The irony of all of this being that the day before I had driven her all the way up to University of Maryland (an hour away) to swim one race and she decided to scratch after a bad warm up. Did I complain? Nope, I just said I'm sorry she wasn't feeling up to it and drove home.
I'm going to try to make this snow day (or two given the forecast) to see this as a time of peace and respite. A time of cozy hours on the couch. Warm dinners. Lego building. Book reading. Game playing. Good memory making.
NOT the confining, exhausting trap this house is starting to feel like with all of them home.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Confession
Sunday night I had an 11pm soccer game. I normally back out of these late games because the late night is hard to recover from. This time, however, our team needed bodies and I've been having fun playing the last few weeks so I decided to just suck it up and go.
The game was fun. My exhaustion the next day was not. I limped through the day on Monday, getting everyone to practices, rocking out a killer dinner for 7, helping with homework and getting some playing time with L. Even though I should have gone to bed, I even stayed up late with K on the couch last night watching a movie in the spirit of marital accord.
This morning was another tired one. I got the kids off to school and came home to eat breakfast before I started the work day.
Here's the confession...Instead of taking a shower and hopping on my laptop, I took a nap. A glorious 1.5 hour nap on the couch. I don't know why I feel guilty about this. I used this guilt to bang out a deliverable to my boss and make the long overdue call about M's admission into high school next year. I then ran to the store and got stuff for dinner tonight and tomorrow.
My therapist tells me all the time to find some time for myself during the day. It's hard. though, to add another person onto my list of people whom I'm responsible for. Even if that person is me.
The game was fun. My exhaustion the next day was not. I limped through the day on Monday, getting everyone to practices, rocking out a killer dinner for 7, helping with homework and getting some playing time with L. Even though I should have gone to bed, I even stayed up late with K on the couch last night watching a movie in the spirit of marital accord.
This morning was another tired one. I got the kids off to school and came home to eat breakfast before I started the work day.
Here's the confession...Instead of taking a shower and hopping on my laptop, I took a nap. A glorious 1.5 hour nap on the couch. I don't know why I feel guilty about this. I used this guilt to bang out a deliverable to my boss and make the long overdue call about M's admission into high school next year. I then ran to the store and got stuff for dinner tonight and tomorrow.
My therapist tells me all the time to find some time for myself during the day. It's hard. though, to add another person onto my list of people whom I'm responsible for. Even if that person is me.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
On Marriage
Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, Just Give Me A Reason
K and I have been together for over 24 years, with 18 of those as a married couple. We have actually known each other for even longer since his sister and I were friends in high school and played soccer together. I'll never forget the phone call I got from her a few months after we started dating asking increduously, "Are you dating my brother???" We really got to know each other in college where we both played on the soccer teams and happened to have a few history classes together. We clicked right away with a very similar upbringing (big family, Catholic school, etc.) and similar sense of humor, but more importantly, in my opinion, enough personality differences that we bring out the best in each other. We started our romance first as very good friends and I think it's that friendship that has sustained us over time. Outside of stress, work, parenting, etc., we really like to hang out together.
Marriage can be hard. You not only bring to this new partnership your own needs and wants, but the legacy (whether good or bad) of the marriages you each have experienced. My parents were pretty old school with my dad being the provider and overall "fixer" in the house, with my mom taking care of us, cooking dinner, carpools, school, etc. With all girls in our family, my dad defnitely "took care of us" and we depended on him heavily to help us through our transitions into adulthood. Throw in some pretty serious health issues with my mom and I was definitely provided a strong, take care of everything "husband/father" model.
K, on the other hand, is the oldest of a very British family. He is the eldest boy and treated a little special, but as the oldest of 9 he had to constantly stake out his independence and fight to get his needs met. I joke all the time with my sisters about how K and each of his brothers and sisters (some more than others) are all inherently a bit selfish in order to be noticed and heard. My mother-in-law did (and still does) everything for her kids. My father-in-law, while a lovely person, was definitely more hands off and much better with the kids as they got older. He travelled a lot and worked very hard in order to provide for his large family. In some ways, K is an awful lot like his dad. Brilliant intellectually, but not the most practical (or handy) of people and a bit clueless when it comes to noticing or understanding the needs of those around him.
My family is also a very boisterous, talkative brood with lots of both verbal and physical expressions of love. I end most conversations with my sisters with "I love you." I enjoy to give and receive hugs. K comes from a stereotypical British family with no real outward signs of affection. There is definitely a lot of love there, but it's not spoken of and expressions of feelings are kept at a minimum.
That being said, K has certainly broken the mold in some ways. He is very affectionate with the boys and M (E keeps him pretty much at a distance which is a entire post in and of itself). He is much more hands on than his dad in terms of childcare. Our life before the accident entailed a pretty good balance of efforts and, while sometimes challenging, we worked things out without too much drama.
So October 2009 happened and our life turned completely upside down. This horrible thing occurred and it not only sent both of us in a tailspin emotionally, we found ourselves having to parent our kids through a very difficult situation, dealing with my family and struggling to take care of the girls. It was rough. Really rough.
In the last few days, I've been trying to step back and think about how all of this has affected K. First, our loss in all of this is very different. I lost my sister. While he was and still is sad about it, there is a difference. It's hard for him to understand my loss. His loss is more centered around our family. He has had to watch his wife change and not for the better in many ways. As documented in this blog, I have struggled with my grief and depression while trying to be the mom I want and need to be. He has had to watch his little boys go through a pretty awful thing. Not only losing Jeanne and Mike, and adjusting to the girls moving in, but struggling to find their footing in all the instability and trauma.
On a practical note, we also added two kids to our household. This means a host of additional financial, logistical, emotional and parenting burdens. They are girls, which as those of you who are parents to both boys and girls, is very different. They are two very needy, greiving children who have lost their parents and siblings. One of them can be considered special needs with her ADHD, learning disabilities and anxiety. The financial responsibilities alone are huge. All of the legal nightmares of the first year were horrific and timeconsuming.
He also almost died a year ago October. The result has been a shock and huge lifestyle change for him. The coumadin regimen (and constant testing), uncertainty about the causes, etc. have been a huge stress for an active, athletic 44 year old. He no longer can play softball, soccer, ski and other things that could risk a bleeding episode. This has been a hard pill to take for him. I have worried about him and depression in this last year (according to lots of websites this is very typical in his situation).
All of this for a guy who grew up not sharing feelings, not being overly affectionate, and the oldest of nine kids who pretty much took care of himself. While we had our share of difficulties prior to the accident (miscarriage, work losses, parenting challenges), nothing prepared us for the strain of our new normal.
None of this excuses his behavior. It does not make my feelings invalid or take away the hurt he has caused. But it does put it in perspective. He desperately wants things to go back to normal (pre-accident) and sometimes that means for him to run off with his dorky buddies for a long weekend or a bachelor party. Or when things get tough and emotionally difficult at home between us or with the kids, he often defaults to hiding out and not wanting to deal with it, or irrationally exploding at me (his safe place).
The last few days have found us slowly working our way back to each other. It's nearly impossible not to with five minions who need us (both of us). When you love someone, understanding and forgiveness are part of the package even when doing that takes you being the bigger person. Beneath all of the layers of hurt, grief, anger, stress and fear, still sit two people who love each other. Those two college friends are still there. Sometimes it just takes a little more effort for them to find each other.
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
-Pink, Just Give Me A Reason
K and I have been together for over 24 years, with 18 of those as a married couple. We have actually known each other for even longer since his sister and I were friends in high school and played soccer together. I'll never forget the phone call I got from her a few months after we started dating asking increduously, "Are you dating my brother???" We really got to know each other in college where we both played on the soccer teams and happened to have a few history classes together. We clicked right away with a very similar upbringing (big family, Catholic school, etc.) and similar sense of humor, but more importantly, in my opinion, enough personality differences that we bring out the best in each other. We started our romance first as very good friends and I think it's that friendship that has sustained us over time. Outside of stress, work, parenting, etc., we really like to hang out together.
Marriage can be hard. You not only bring to this new partnership your own needs and wants, but the legacy (whether good or bad) of the marriages you each have experienced. My parents were pretty old school with my dad being the provider and overall "fixer" in the house, with my mom taking care of us, cooking dinner, carpools, school, etc. With all girls in our family, my dad defnitely "took care of us" and we depended on him heavily to help us through our transitions into adulthood. Throw in some pretty serious health issues with my mom and I was definitely provided a strong, take care of everything "husband/father" model.
K, on the other hand, is the oldest of a very British family. He is the eldest boy and treated a little special, but as the oldest of 9 he had to constantly stake out his independence and fight to get his needs met. I joke all the time with my sisters about how K and each of his brothers and sisters (some more than others) are all inherently a bit selfish in order to be noticed and heard. My mother-in-law did (and still does) everything for her kids. My father-in-law, while a lovely person, was definitely more hands off and much better with the kids as they got older. He travelled a lot and worked very hard in order to provide for his large family. In some ways, K is an awful lot like his dad. Brilliant intellectually, but not the most practical (or handy) of people and a bit clueless when it comes to noticing or understanding the needs of those around him.
My family is also a very boisterous, talkative brood with lots of both verbal and physical expressions of love. I end most conversations with my sisters with "I love you." I enjoy to give and receive hugs. K comes from a stereotypical British family with no real outward signs of affection. There is definitely a lot of love there, but it's not spoken of and expressions of feelings are kept at a minimum.
That being said, K has certainly broken the mold in some ways. He is very affectionate with the boys and M (E keeps him pretty much at a distance which is a entire post in and of itself). He is much more hands on than his dad in terms of childcare. Our life before the accident entailed a pretty good balance of efforts and, while sometimes challenging, we worked things out without too much drama.
So October 2009 happened and our life turned completely upside down. This horrible thing occurred and it not only sent both of us in a tailspin emotionally, we found ourselves having to parent our kids through a very difficult situation, dealing with my family and struggling to take care of the girls. It was rough. Really rough.
In the last few days, I've been trying to step back and think about how all of this has affected K. First, our loss in all of this is very different. I lost my sister. While he was and still is sad about it, there is a difference. It's hard for him to understand my loss. His loss is more centered around our family. He has had to watch his wife change and not for the better in many ways. As documented in this blog, I have struggled with my grief and depression while trying to be the mom I want and need to be. He has had to watch his little boys go through a pretty awful thing. Not only losing Jeanne and Mike, and adjusting to the girls moving in, but struggling to find their footing in all the instability and trauma.
On a practical note, we also added two kids to our household. This means a host of additional financial, logistical, emotional and parenting burdens. They are girls, which as those of you who are parents to both boys and girls, is very different. They are two very needy, greiving children who have lost their parents and siblings. One of them can be considered special needs with her ADHD, learning disabilities and anxiety. The financial responsibilities alone are huge. All of the legal nightmares of the first year were horrific and timeconsuming.
He also almost died a year ago October. The result has been a shock and huge lifestyle change for him. The coumadin regimen (and constant testing), uncertainty about the causes, etc. have been a huge stress for an active, athletic 44 year old. He no longer can play softball, soccer, ski and other things that could risk a bleeding episode. This has been a hard pill to take for him. I have worried about him and depression in this last year (according to lots of websites this is very typical in his situation).
All of this for a guy who grew up not sharing feelings, not being overly affectionate, and the oldest of nine kids who pretty much took care of himself. While we had our share of difficulties prior to the accident (miscarriage, work losses, parenting challenges), nothing prepared us for the strain of our new normal.
None of this excuses his behavior. It does not make my feelings invalid or take away the hurt he has caused. But it does put it in perspective. He desperately wants things to go back to normal (pre-accident) and sometimes that means for him to run off with his dorky buddies for a long weekend or a bachelor party. Or when things get tough and emotionally difficult at home between us or with the kids, he often defaults to hiding out and not wanting to deal with it, or irrationally exploding at me (his safe place).
The last few days have found us slowly working our way back to each other. It's nearly impossible not to with five minions who need us (both of us). When you love someone, understanding and forgiveness are part of the package even when doing that takes you being the bigger person. Beneath all of the layers of hurt, grief, anger, stress and fear, still sit two people who love each other. Those two college friends are still there. Sometimes it just takes a little more effort for them to find each other.
p.s. thank you so much for all of the messages of love, support, and insight for the past few posts. You have no idea how much they help. This blog has been a space for me to get a lot of stuff out, but it certainly has turned into something where I get a lot in return. So thank you. Really, really thank you.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Things
Things that suck:
1. I am feeling pretty crappy and the person I usually look to for comfort is the one making me feel crappy.
2. My friend's little girl has a diagnosis. Very rare peripheral T-cell lymphoma. Rarely found in kids. Never found in the brain. I feel sad and paralyzed with not being able to do anything to help.
3. It's ridiculously cold (school is actually cancelled tomorrow).
4. I'm starting to get the kids' gunk and feel less than stellar but I have a huge client meeting tomorrow that I CANNOT miss.
5. Work (see number 4).
6. Teenage girls are moody, annoying and are excellent at saying mean things that make you feel so very less than.
7. Still needing to take down Christmas decorations.
8. After two weeks relatively off from school, sports, etc. we're back to our normal level of crazy.
Things that do NOT suck:
1. Winning indoor soccer games, scoring tons of goals and having your teammates send sweet emails about your play all day.
2. A kind therapist named Harriet who also thinks one's spouse is being an ass (see item #1).
3. 6 year olds.
4. Pulled pork in the croc pot so you don't have to scramble for dinner.
5. Good music.
6. Good books.
7. Internet friends.
8. Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered pretzels.
9. Funny texts from good friends.
10. Having a "things that do NOT suck" list longer than a "things that suck" list.
1. I am feeling pretty crappy and the person I usually look to for comfort is the one making me feel crappy.
2. My friend's little girl has a diagnosis. Very rare peripheral T-cell lymphoma. Rarely found in kids. Never found in the brain. I feel sad and paralyzed with not being able to do anything to help.
3. It's ridiculously cold (school is actually cancelled tomorrow).
4. I'm starting to get the kids' gunk and feel less than stellar but I have a huge client meeting tomorrow that I CANNOT miss.
5. Work (see number 4).
6. Teenage girls are moody, annoying and are excellent at saying mean things that make you feel so very less than.
7. Still needing to take down Christmas decorations.
8. After two weeks relatively off from school, sports, etc. we're back to our normal level of crazy.
Things that do NOT suck:
1. Winning indoor soccer games, scoring tons of goals and having your teammates send sweet emails about your play all day.
2. A kind therapist named Harriet who also thinks one's spouse is being an ass (see item #1).
3. 6 year olds.
4. Pulled pork in the croc pot so you don't have to scramble for dinner.
5. Good music.
6. Good books.
7. Internet friends.
8. Trader Joe's dark chocolate covered pretzels.
9. Funny texts from good friends.
10. Having a "things that do NOT suck" list longer than a "things that suck" list.
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Mess
Good things about the holidays:
1. The kids had fun and we managed to get in all of the decorating, gingerbread house making, and tradition making things that make the holiday special in our house. My boys especially are creatures of habit and like to celebrate the same way and re-tell stories from years' past.
2. Everyone liked their loot for the most part and I was able to get things purchased and wrapped and under the tree by Christmas morning. Highlights included a Nook for D, DS 3DSXL's for A and L (huge sale on Thanksgiving night), the right clothes for E, and boots for M that she's been pining over. The gifts shared between the kids were also cute, particularly the Boomslang hotsauce purchased for E by A and M (she's obsessed with hot sauce and puts it on everything).
3. I pulled off another Christmas eve dinner for my side of the family and it was a nice evening.
4. Winter break has been a nice respite for everyone. Lots of movies, games, legos and Just Dance 2014 which has translated in fun all around.
5. CA let me have the little girls for a weekend. 7 kids was quite the handfull, but we made it work and everyone had fun. I'm hoping she'll allow more of this.
The bad:
1. K came home from the stupid trip and acted like nothing happened. He actually expected me to welcome him with open arms. Even the kids have kept him at a distance. His reaction has been typical and grossly immature. He blames me and had a lovely tirade on New Year's Eve which included him telling me how awful and selfish I am...all in front of the kids. I don't even know where to go with this. He's been sleeping in the basement and ignoring all of us since Tuesday. I'm just too tired and busy to know how to address this. Frankly, I'm too hurt too. Sigh.
2. The daughter of my neighborhood friend has continued to worsen without any explanation still. It's heartbreaking.
3. Everyone in the house except me and E have been sick all week. I was in urgent care with A yesterday morning thinking it was strep. Hacking cough, fevers and sore throats all around with varying degress of severity. I'm hoping the last of the fevers were last night with A and L. I felt good enough about their overall health to sneak out today to the office for a few hours. A little change of scenary didn't hurt either.
4. Holidays with the girls still stink. They struggle to settle into our family routines and lash out at me in particular when they are hurting. The boys also deesrve to have a regular Christmas and not be dragged into their grief and have their Christmas spirit held hostage by it. My family also struggles to respect boundaries during this time. My dad was realy bad with E this year, guilting her into visiting the cemetery on Christmas day when she had pretty much decided just to come to the inlaw's with us. Then there was little sister S buying M about $400 worth of presents (each of the cousins does a secret santa) including another new pair of boots. My heart sunk as she opened up present after present which outdid what Santa provided in our house (seriously, what 13 year old needs 2 $30 jcrew tshirts???). Throwing money at their guilt doesn't help anything, definitely not M.
I've wanted (needed) to write this out for a few days, but things with K especially have left me raw. Building lego sets and paper airplanes with L has taken priority. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and I certainly look forward to starting a new year. The current mess that is my life needs a fresh start.
1. The kids had fun and we managed to get in all of the decorating, gingerbread house making, and tradition making things that make the holiday special in our house. My boys especially are creatures of habit and like to celebrate the same way and re-tell stories from years' past.
2. Everyone liked their loot for the most part and I was able to get things purchased and wrapped and under the tree by Christmas morning. Highlights included a Nook for D, DS 3DSXL's for A and L (huge sale on Thanksgiving night), the right clothes for E, and boots for M that she's been pining over. The gifts shared between the kids were also cute, particularly the Boomslang hotsauce purchased for E by A and M (she's obsessed with hot sauce and puts it on everything).
3. I pulled off another Christmas eve dinner for my side of the family and it was a nice evening.
4. Winter break has been a nice respite for everyone. Lots of movies, games, legos and Just Dance 2014 which has translated in fun all around.
5. CA let me have the little girls for a weekend. 7 kids was quite the handfull, but we made it work and everyone had fun. I'm hoping she'll allow more of this.
The bad:
1. K came home from the stupid trip and acted like nothing happened. He actually expected me to welcome him with open arms. Even the kids have kept him at a distance. His reaction has been typical and grossly immature. He blames me and had a lovely tirade on New Year's Eve which included him telling me how awful and selfish I am...all in front of the kids. I don't even know where to go with this. He's been sleeping in the basement and ignoring all of us since Tuesday. I'm just too tired and busy to know how to address this. Frankly, I'm too hurt too. Sigh.
2. The daughter of my neighborhood friend has continued to worsen without any explanation still. It's heartbreaking.
3. Everyone in the house except me and E have been sick all week. I was in urgent care with A yesterday morning thinking it was strep. Hacking cough, fevers and sore throats all around with varying degress of severity. I'm hoping the last of the fevers were last night with A and L. I felt good enough about their overall health to sneak out today to the office for a few hours. A little change of scenary didn't hurt either.
4. Holidays with the girls still stink. They struggle to settle into our family routines and lash out at me in particular when they are hurting. The boys also deesrve to have a regular Christmas and not be dragged into their grief and have their Christmas spirit held hostage by it. My family also struggles to respect boundaries during this time. My dad was realy bad with E this year, guilting her into visiting the cemetery on Christmas day when she had pretty much decided just to come to the inlaw's with us. Then there was little sister S buying M about $400 worth of presents (each of the cousins does a secret santa) including another new pair of boots. My heart sunk as she opened up present after present which outdid what Santa provided in our house (seriously, what 13 year old needs 2 $30 jcrew tshirts???). Throwing money at their guilt doesn't help anything, definitely not M.
I've wanted (needed) to write this out for a few days, but things with K especially have left me raw. Building lego sets and paper airplanes with L has taken priority. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday season and I certainly look forward to starting a new year. The current mess that is my life needs a fresh start.
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Snow Day
Snow is falling.
Laughter can be heard from outside as all five of the kids run around the house chasing each other with snowballs.
Day two of no school meant day two of pancakes made from scratch.
[brief pause as I step away from the computer and this cheerful post to help whoever just came in]
That was D crying because his big brother smashed snow in his face and mulch down his back.
I yelled at A to stop playing and sit on the bench on the front porch in time out like he is 3, sent D up for a shower and insisted to L that he put his hat back on.
Meanwhile, K is outside with all of them ignoring all the fighting because it's easier.
This is the story of our life. Brief periods of peace followed by chaos. One parent prefers to stay on the sidelines and not have to be the bad guy. One parent shoulders it all, while I might add, trying to get some actual work done since the federal government closing doesn't mean I don't have to work a normal day.
I bet you can also guess who was the one that got all the snow stuff out, doled out boots, hats, gloves and snow pants that fit, and zipped up zippers and tightened boots.
Gotta love a snow day.
Laughter can be heard from outside as all five of the kids run around the house chasing each other with snowballs.
Day two of no school meant day two of pancakes made from scratch.
[brief pause as I step away from the computer and this cheerful post to help whoever just came in]
That was D crying because his big brother smashed snow in his face and mulch down his back.
I yelled at A to stop playing and sit on the bench on the front porch in time out like he is 3, sent D up for a shower and insisted to L that he put his hat back on.
Meanwhile, K is outside with all of them ignoring all the fighting because it's easier.
This is the story of our life. Brief periods of peace followed by chaos. One parent prefers to stay on the sidelines and not have to be the bad guy. One parent shoulders it all, while I might add, trying to get some actual work done since the federal government closing doesn't mean I don't have to work a normal day.
I bet you can also guess who was the one that got all the snow stuff out, doled out boots, hats, gloves and snow pants that fit, and zipped up zippers and tightened boots.
Gotta love a snow day.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Of Sorts
Sorry about the long pause. I've been out of sorts, as have many around these parts.
The current king of "out of sortness" is A. He's been battling what the doctors think is a virus for about 10 days now which initially manifested itself as hives all over his legs and arms. Then they spread to his torso. Benedryll helped a bit. We went to the doctor and because he had a slight cough they gave him a z-pac. They also tested for mono and strep which both came back negative. That night after the first two antibiotics, the hives spread all over his body and his hands swelled. Benedryll didn't help at all. He was miserable and didn't sleep a wink. We went back in the next day and they decided to stop the z-pac and start him on pregnisone. This made the hives stop almost completely and he seemed a bit better. Then this past Saturday he started feeling worse and was complaining of body aches, nausea and fatigue. This morning I couldn't get him out of bed. Back to the doctor this morning, a flu and another strep test, and the further frustration of not knowing what's going on. He slept all day and I at least got him to eat some soup and drink water. He's currently rolling around on the couch after doing some homework and studying for the geography bee he's supposed to be participating in tomorrow (against his younger brother--hilarious). I hope he feels up to going to school in the morning. I'm hoping a good night's sleep will do the trick. Crossing my fingers.
I have been really out of sorts since Jeanne's birthday and it carried over into my birthday when I passed her in years on earth. That's just all sorts of wrong. I spent the weekend with M at a soccer tournament. I just wanted to be home with my boys.
My out of sorts has led to K being particularly out of sorts. We're in a funk and are both too tired and stressed to even try to bust out of it.
E committed to William and Mary last week which has been all kinds of awesome. How she let us know, and how the other members of our family dealt with the news has been all sorts of annoying. Yet again, something that should be a happy moment for our little (okay not so little) family gets tainted by everyone trying to "own" E and cross the line. In the long run, we're just happy to get to share our alma mater with her and watch her grow in such a cool place.
M...sweet lordie M...has been all kinds of difficult. I am dreading high school. Heck, I'm dreading this week.
D has been on another one of his eating strikes. I try not to fight him on it, but it's so frustrating. He's playing travel basketball now and I worry about him having enough energy.
L is our funny little guy. He's started texting his cousin W on my phone and the conversations are priceless. They love each other very much which warms my heart.
Work is...well work. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be taking a sabbatical from work, but that's not feasible financially, so I continue to try to balance it all and feeling pretty useless on all fronts.
I need to snap out of it. I don't want to repeat the Christmas Funk of 2012.
Fa, la, freaking la.
The current king of "out of sortness" is A. He's been battling what the doctors think is a virus for about 10 days now which initially manifested itself as hives all over his legs and arms. Then they spread to his torso. Benedryll helped a bit. We went to the doctor and because he had a slight cough they gave him a z-pac. They also tested for mono and strep which both came back negative. That night after the first two antibiotics, the hives spread all over his body and his hands swelled. Benedryll didn't help at all. He was miserable and didn't sleep a wink. We went back in the next day and they decided to stop the z-pac and start him on pregnisone. This made the hives stop almost completely and he seemed a bit better. Then this past Saturday he started feeling worse and was complaining of body aches, nausea and fatigue. This morning I couldn't get him out of bed. Back to the doctor this morning, a flu and another strep test, and the further frustration of not knowing what's going on. He slept all day and I at least got him to eat some soup and drink water. He's currently rolling around on the couch after doing some homework and studying for the geography bee he's supposed to be participating in tomorrow (against his younger brother--hilarious). I hope he feels up to going to school in the morning. I'm hoping a good night's sleep will do the trick. Crossing my fingers.
I have been really out of sorts since Jeanne's birthday and it carried over into my birthday when I passed her in years on earth. That's just all sorts of wrong. I spent the weekend with M at a soccer tournament. I just wanted to be home with my boys.
My out of sorts has led to K being particularly out of sorts. We're in a funk and are both too tired and stressed to even try to bust out of it.
E committed to William and Mary last week which has been all kinds of awesome. How she let us know, and how the other members of our family dealt with the news has been all sorts of annoying. Yet again, something that should be a happy moment for our little (okay not so little) family gets tainted by everyone trying to "own" E and cross the line. In the long run, we're just happy to get to share our alma mater with her and watch her grow in such a cool place.
M...sweet lordie M...has been all kinds of difficult. I am dreading high school. Heck, I'm dreading this week.
D has been on another one of his eating strikes. I try not to fight him on it, but it's so frustrating. He's playing travel basketball now and I worry about him having enough energy.
L is our funny little guy. He's started texting his cousin W on my phone and the conversations are priceless. They love each other very much which warms my heart.
Work is...well work. If I could change one thing in my life, it would be taking a sabbatical from work, but that's not feasible financially, so I continue to try to balance it all and feeling pretty useless on all fronts.
I need to snap out of it. I don't want to repeat the Christmas Funk of 2012.
Fa, la, freaking la.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Profound
Profound. (adjective) having or showing great knowledge or understanding; difficult to understand requiring deep thought or wisdom; very strongly felt.
The past week has been an onslaught of profundity. I felt feelings so strong that my body has been wracked with sobs. I have felt feelings of such love my body has felt flush with warmth. I've been intellectually pushed trying to tackle a tough problem at work. I've once again been faced with questions of why and struggled with ways to take pain away from those I love.
This has left me tired. My brain is sludgy. The world seems a bit fuzzy and my bed sounds lovely (ironically this is kinda how the meds made me feel). Given this state, this post is going to have to be a list of randoms who have really nothing in common other that the intensity of the emotions they aroused.
1. Jeanne's birthday this year was really hard. I was on the verge of crying pretty much constantly the day before, the actual day and the day after. The four years since her death are for some reason becoming very real. Next week I'll be older than she was when she died. Sigh.
2. The girls had a rough week too. Poor M finally broke down Wednesday night and cried for about 45 minutes. It upset the entire family. My sweet boys and her loving uncle finally pulled her out of it. E couldn't handle it and proceeded to complain about not having socks and the low sodium ham I bought. Her modus operandi tends to be complaining about laundry, food and mysterious ailments when she can't deal with the heavy emotions coming her way. At least she's consistent.
3. I worked for four straight days (Frid to Mon) all day and till very late at night trying to get a deliverable done. It was really hard work and the response from my boss was less than enthusiastic and we've yet to hear from the client. At least I was working with C on this and I hunkered down on my bed for a change of scenary (and I can close the door). K and A were at a soccer tourney down in Richmond (yay! they won!) so at least I didn't have that distraction.
4. Our 18th anniversary was Monday. See item #3 and you'll understand how our day went. The kids were off from school so he schlepped the boys around to get haircuts, mowed the lawn and brought home pizza for dinner. It sucked. But at the end of the day, this funny, kind and smart guy is still around and we love each other very much. We may not always be able to show each other given the craziness of our life, but I know he will always be there.
5. Tuesday brought parent teacher conferences for the little (or not so little) kids. All four got great report cards for them. M is holding her own somehow and the consistent message I got from her teachers is that she is trying and engaged in the classroom. She tests terribly, but our hope for her to get an education and the grades in the end don't really matter. The tough conference for some reason was little L's. He's doing great in school, but she commented that he seems tired and gets weepy sometimes when things seem hard. She also said we need to read with him more at home. So first my mommy guilt went into overdrive because I don't read to and with him as much as I should. Then I looked at her and explained that he doesn't always get the best sleep. He's in our bed most nights around three. On Sunday night he couldn't get to sleep because he doesn't want to go to heaven. She looked at me blankly. I thought most teachers at the small school we go to knew our whole story. I tried to explain that he still has a lot of anxiety and that the changes in our house still make it hard for him. "Oh, the girls live with you all the time? I thought you shared them or something." Good lord. She quickly said something about him telling the whole class about the balloons and we moved on. It reminded me that while we still live with tragedy everyday, other people just see us as a normal family. This is strangely good and bad.
6. A little girl in our neighborhood was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm friends with her mom and it is rocking out little neighborhood. Surgery was this morning and it went well. We're waiting to hear the results. So sad. So very very sad.
So instead of working for my annoying client I'm sitting her writing a blog post. I wish I had some profound insight into the above list. A nugget of wisdom like those pictures one sees tagged on facebook or pinterest. I got nothing.
The past week has been an onslaught of profundity. I felt feelings so strong that my body has been wracked with sobs. I have felt feelings of such love my body has felt flush with warmth. I've been intellectually pushed trying to tackle a tough problem at work. I've once again been faced with questions of why and struggled with ways to take pain away from those I love.
This has left me tired. My brain is sludgy. The world seems a bit fuzzy and my bed sounds lovely (ironically this is kinda how the meds made me feel). Given this state, this post is going to have to be a list of randoms who have really nothing in common other that the intensity of the emotions they aroused.
1. Jeanne's birthday this year was really hard. I was on the verge of crying pretty much constantly the day before, the actual day and the day after. The four years since her death are for some reason becoming very real. Next week I'll be older than she was when she died. Sigh.
2. The girls had a rough week too. Poor M finally broke down Wednesday night and cried for about 45 minutes. It upset the entire family. My sweet boys and her loving uncle finally pulled her out of it. E couldn't handle it and proceeded to complain about not having socks and the low sodium ham I bought. Her modus operandi tends to be complaining about laundry, food and mysterious ailments when she can't deal with the heavy emotions coming her way. At least she's consistent.
3. I worked for four straight days (Frid to Mon) all day and till very late at night trying to get a deliverable done. It was really hard work and the response from my boss was less than enthusiastic and we've yet to hear from the client. At least I was working with C on this and I hunkered down on my bed for a change of scenary (and I can close the door). K and A were at a soccer tourney down in Richmond (yay! they won!) so at least I didn't have that distraction.
4. Our 18th anniversary was Monday. See item #3 and you'll understand how our day went. The kids were off from school so he schlepped the boys around to get haircuts, mowed the lawn and brought home pizza for dinner. It sucked. But at the end of the day, this funny, kind and smart guy is still around and we love each other very much. We may not always be able to show each other given the craziness of our life, but I know he will always be there.
5. Tuesday brought parent teacher conferences for the little (or not so little) kids. All four got great report cards for them. M is holding her own somehow and the consistent message I got from her teachers is that she is trying and engaged in the classroom. She tests terribly, but our hope for her to get an education and the grades in the end don't really matter. The tough conference for some reason was little L's. He's doing great in school, but she commented that he seems tired and gets weepy sometimes when things seem hard. She also said we need to read with him more at home. So first my mommy guilt went into overdrive because I don't read to and with him as much as I should. Then I looked at her and explained that he doesn't always get the best sleep. He's in our bed most nights around three. On Sunday night he couldn't get to sleep because he doesn't want to go to heaven. She looked at me blankly. I thought most teachers at the small school we go to knew our whole story. I tried to explain that he still has a lot of anxiety and that the changes in our house still make it hard for him. "Oh, the girls live with you all the time? I thought you shared them or something." Good lord. She quickly said something about him telling the whole class about the balloons and we moved on. It reminded me that while we still live with tragedy everyday, other people just see us as a normal family. This is strangely good and bad.
6. A little girl in our neighborhood was just diagnosed with a brain tumor. I'm friends with her mom and it is rocking out little neighborhood. Surgery was this morning and it went well. We're waiting to hear the results. So sad. So very very sad.
So instead of working for my annoying client I'm sitting her writing a blog post. I wish I had some profound insight into the above list. A nugget of wisdom like those pictures one sees tagged on facebook or pinterest. I got nothing.
Monday, November 4, 2013
At Home
I left alone, I left the world I was running,
To be by your side I was dying,
alone by your side I was flying.
I came alone, I've come a long way to get here,
The leaves they fall to my feet, at home,
They mean nothing to me
"At Home," Crystal Fighters
Dinner was done early tonight. K is working late so it was just me and the kids. Everyone was at the table, happily eating and joking with each other. Things felt right. So right, I started folding laundry and decided we needed a little impromptu sing along and dance party with the old Ipod.
We started easy with a little "Hey Ho" by the Lumineers. This was quickly followed by "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt. The kids all sang at the top of their lungs, inserting silly lines as I danced around the room, smiling and feeling...well, content.
M picked a little ditty by the Waterboys called "The Glastonbury Song" which has become a favorite of hers. An oldie but goodie for me, but new to her. She got up, singing and dancing while the boys sang along and clapped their hands. She was at ease and happy. The joy on her face and in her movement was precious. Music can do that to the humans in this house.
Then she caught herself. Overwhelmed. She slid out of the room quietly. That joy is still too much for the girls. These moments of sinking into our family and feeling at home still feels like a betrayal. I know not to push it.
The boys and I are still jamming. We've learned not to stop our fun all the time to accommodate their grief.
"All I Want" by Kodaline is on. "If you loved me, why'd you leave me...All I want is, All I need is to find somebody like you..."
All I want and what I pray for is that those feelings of joy won't feel like betrayal for E and M. That these feelings of of peace and contentment don't still surprise the boys and I when they include the girls. I guess I just want all of us to feel at home.
For now Franz Ferdinand "Can't Stop This Feeling" is on and I feel like getting my groove on and rocking out.
To be by your side I was dying,
alone by your side I was flying.
I came alone, I've come a long way to get here,
The leaves they fall to my feet, at home,
They mean nothing to me
"At Home," Crystal Fighters
Dinner was done early tonight. K is working late so it was just me and the kids. Everyone was at the table, happily eating and joking with each other. Things felt right. So right, I started folding laundry and decided we needed a little impromptu sing along and dance party with the old Ipod.
We started easy with a little "Hey Ho" by the Lumineers. This was quickly followed by "Bonfire Heart" by James Blunt. The kids all sang at the top of their lungs, inserting silly lines as I danced around the room, smiling and feeling...well, content.
M picked a little ditty by the Waterboys called "The Glastonbury Song" which has become a favorite of hers. An oldie but goodie for me, but new to her. She got up, singing and dancing while the boys sang along and clapped their hands. She was at ease and happy. The joy on her face and in her movement was precious. Music can do that to the humans in this house.
Then she caught herself. Overwhelmed. She slid out of the room quietly. That joy is still too much for the girls. These moments of sinking into our family and feeling at home still feels like a betrayal. I know not to push it.
The boys and I are still jamming. We've learned not to stop our fun all the time to accommodate their grief.
"All I Want" by Kodaline is on. "If you loved me, why'd you leave me...All I want is, All I need is to find somebody like you..."
All I want and what I pray for is that those feelings of joy won't feel like betrayal for E and M. That these feelings of of peace and contentment don't still surprise the boys and I when they include the girls. I guess I just want all of us to feel at home.
For now Franz Ferdinand "Can't Stop This Feeling" is on and I feel like getting my groove on and rocking out.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
October 24, 2013
It came. It was hard. Kids were great, for the most part. I'll explain some of the drama in a later post, but here are some pictures from the day. I think they are some of my best.
Four years. Twenty balloons. And still lots and lots of love
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Dread and Acceptance
The week of dread is upon us.
Thursday is the four year anniversary of the accident. It seems like just yesterday, unimaginable that it's been that long.
The kids are a bit off. We all are. They love the morning when we meet at a local park, eat breakfast. play on the playground and send our balloon messages to heaven. Everyone seems to put all of the underlying tensions aside and just enjoy being together and remembering Jeanne and Mike. I actually look forward to the morning. I spend the morning behind the lens of my camera capturing the day and the love our family holds for each other.
For me, for whatever reason, it's the night before that gets me. As bizarre as this sounds, it feels like the accident is going to happen all over again. The horror and shock.
In my head, I run through all of the images that encapsulate that night and the days and week following. Telling E and M their parents were dead. Holding KT in my arms and picking out the glass from her hair. Coming home to K and sobbing. Scenes from the funeral. Seeing E walk into her parent's room, falling face down on their bed and sobbing...the first time I saw her cry about it. Sitting on the floor outside of 18 month old KT's room listening to her cry for her mommy and not being able to do anything.
The questions come flooding in as well. Did she know what was happening? Why couldn't Mike stay on his side of the road? Was she ever in pain? Does she know we have the girls? Does she know we're doing the best we can? Does she know how often I think of her and how they are never forgotten? Not even for a day. Does she know how much I love her?
Why them? Why us?
There is a bit of a difference this year. I feel the dread, but I know that it will be over soon. I know that we just need to remember and get through. Maybe this is the first step towards acceptance? Acceptance that the accident really happened and that they aren"t coming back. This is it. This is our life.
Strangely this insight makes me feel better like I'm moving the boulder called grief further down the road.
Thursday is the four year anniversary of the accident. It seems like just yesterday, unimaginable that it's been that long.
The kids are a bit off. We all are. They love the morning when we meet at a local park, eat breakfast. play on the playground and send our balloon messages to heaven. Everyone seems to put all of the underlying tensions aside and just enjoy being together and remembering Jeanne and Mike. I actually look forward to the morning. I spend the morning behind the lens of my camera capturing the day and the love our family holds for each other.
For me, for whatever reason, it's the night before that gets me. As bizarre as this sounds, it feels like the accident is going to happen all over again. The horror and shock.
In my head, I run through all of the images that encapsulate that night and the days and week following. Telling E and M their parents were dead. Holding KT in my arms and picking out the glass from her hair. Coming home to K and sobbing. Scenes from the funeral. Seeing E walk into her parent's room, falling face down on their bed and sobbing...the first time I saw her cry about it. Sitting on the floor outside of 18 month old KT's room listening to her cry for her mommy and not being able to do anything.
The questions come flooding in as well. Did she know what was happening? Why couldn't Mike stay on his side of the road? Was she ever in pain? Does she know we have the girls? Does she know we're doing the best we can? Does she know how often I think of her and how they are never forgotten? Not even for a day. Does she know how much I love her?
Why them? Why us?
There is a bit of a difference this year. I feel the dread, but I know that it will be over soon. I know that we just need to remember and get through. Maybe this is the first step towards acceptance? Acceptance that the accident really happened and that they aren"t coming back. This is it. This is our life.
Strangely this insight makes me feel better like I'm moving the boulder called grief further down the road.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
The Positive Side of Life
A list of a few positives from the furlough:
1. K is home when the kids get home from school and he has not only been able to see first hand how hard it is to balance homework help and overall kid management at that time AND he has been able to help the kids with fun subjects life math and science (not my strong suits).
2. E hit a deer this morning on the way to swim practice (she is fine) and did $3k worth of damage to the car. Since he was home, K was able to get on the phone quickly to the insurance company and we dropped it off at the garage this morning.
3. He's been a lot more involved with the kids in general (see #1) and taken a bit of the "I need attention NOW" off of my shoulders. This has especially been great for L who is often slightly off his dad's radar.
4. We've talked and laughed tons this week which is good for both of us. K is a really funny guy and since he's around more his humor has definitely lightened the mood up around here.
5. Today there were no kids in the house and I had a break before I had to be somewhere and do something and I actually had the energy to fulfill those often neglected wifely duties. Again good for both of us (wink, wink).
6. He has gotten a bunch of little stuff done for me that has made my life a little easier in terms of logistics. In this list, was research on financial aid stuff for E which took a little bit of stress off of her shoulders since she thought she was broke and couldn't pay for college--it is seriously the exact opposite of that. Overall, he has done an exceptional job handling the girls' money and, once again, proved that he (we) made the right decisions with how we are dealing with their finances.
7. K and D played 18 holes of golf yesterday. The kids had a half day at school so they took advantage of some nice weather and hit the links. D needs that extra attention and his dad being home filled that void.
8. He's been running a few times and I think the exercise has been good for his overall mood.
Don't get me wrong, this is still a pretty stressful situation. While we don't live paycheck to paycheck, NOT getting paid isn't an ideal situation. Although we have hope that federal employees will get back pay, it is certainly not a guarantee. We're both trying, however, to think of this in a positive light and take advantage of at least one of us getting a work break and lowering the stress around here a bit.
I hate to admit it, but I'm secretly hoping there isn't a miracle deal struck tonight downtown...I've got a few more things on my furlough list that I need to get done.
1. K is home when the kids get home from school and he has not only been able to see first hand how hard it is to balance homework help and overall kid management at that time AND he has been able to help the kids with fun subjects life math and science (not my strong suits).
2. E hit a deer this morning on the way to swim practice (she is fine) and did $3k worth of damage to the car. Since he was home, K was able to get on the phone quickly to the insurance company and we dropped it off at the garage this morning.
3. He's been a lot more involved with the kids in general (see #1) and taken a bit of the "I need attention NOW" off of my shoulders. This has especially been great for L who is often slightly off his dad's radar.
4. We've talked and laughed tons this week which is good for both of us. K is a really funny guy and since he's around more his humor has definitely lightened the mood up around here.
5. Today there were no kids in the house and I had a break before I had to be somewhere and do something and I actually had the energy to fulfill those often neglected wifely duties. Again good for both of us (wink, wink).
6. He has gotten a bunch of little stuff done for me that has made my life a little easier in terms of logistics. In this list, was research on financial aid stuff for E which took a little bit of stress off of her shoulders since she thought she was broke and couldn't pay for college--it is seriously the exact opposite of that. Overall, he has done an exceptional job handling the girls' money and, once again, proved that he (we) made the right decisions with how we are dealing with their finances.
7. K and D played 18 holes of golf yesterday. The kids had a half day at school so they took advantage of some nice weather and hit the links. D needs that extra attention and his dad being home filled that void.
8. He's been running a few times and I think the exercise has been good for his overall mood.
Don't get me wrong, this is still a pretty stressful situation. While we don't live paycheck to paycheck, NOT getting paid isn't an ideal situation. Although we have hope that federal employees will get back pay, it is certainly not a guarantee. We're both trying, however, to think of this in a positive light and take advantage of at least one of us getting a work break and lowering the stress around here a bit.
I hate to admit it, but I'm secretly hoping there isn't a miracle deal struck tonight downtown...I've got a few more things on my furlough list that I need to get done.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Tired
Everything K has done in the last week around the house is been prefaced with a "furlough." He worked on his "furlough grass" and made some not that great "furlough meat loaf" one night for dinner. We add this bit of levity to keep the kids from worrying about things, and to keep the two of us from losing it. K is trying to pick up the slack around here since he is off of work. In some ways it is helpful. Running to the store. Making dinner a few nights last week. Driving kids to practice because he's home. Our family cadence is a bit off around here, though, as we all get used to him stepping in where I usual take charge. Sometimes it's just easier to do it myself when I have to take so much time explaining all the why's and how's involved with keeping the family train on the tracks.
Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest. You have been forewarned.
Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party. D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game. It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.
I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day. I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible. A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously.
Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm. During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about. M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs. She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.
Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed. Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today. My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.
M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it. School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school. It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder. It's not just school. Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability. This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate. I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress. ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination. I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.
All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.
I'm so tired today. Bone tired. The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep. Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression. I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight. If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.
Today, however, is going to be a total whine fest. You have been forewarned.
Saturday was an absolute marathon with a crazy day for L with soccer (game and pictures), baseball and a birthday party. D also had a baseball game which actually coincided nicely with L's game. It was a long and VERY HOT day, however, and by the end of it I was spent.
I came home to M and A not having done any homework despite me reminding them Sunday was a busy day. I happened to check email and realize that D missed a call with two classmates to write a group project rap on the Prophetic Books of the bible. A project that the two other moms were taking WAY too seriously.
Sunday included me driving M, D and L to the big kids' soccer games 2 hours away in Charlottesville with us leaving at 8am and arriving back home at 7pm. During the day, I also worked with M to study for her social studies test of turn of the century US history, which she knew nothing about. M got "hurt" in her game in the first five minutes and proceeded to moan the entire way home and forget which leg was hurt and exaggerate limp on alternating legs. She has cried wolf so many times I tend to ignore all physical complaints unless there is actual blood, fever or vomit.
Got the kids home, showered and eventually in bed. Then needed to make lunches, laundry for uniforms needed today and prep myself for a project kick-off meeting at the Pentagon today. My workload is crazy busy (which I know is good since it's a paycheck), but my brain is so sludgy with dealing with all the kids that I'm really not at my best and I'm in constant panic that I'm going to drop an important ball.
M is in a absolute state (see fake injury) and I'm not sure how to snap her out of it. School is an absolute disaster for her this year, and despite some new tweaks in her accommodations, she is consistently failing most tests and come home everyday declaring how much she hates school. It's hard to know how to handle her total lack of effort and argumentative nature when I question her or encourage her to try a little harder. It's not just school. Soccer is turning into a disaster and she is certainly not playing up to her ability. This is usually an area that gives her a lot of confidence and makes her feel good about herself. I keep reminding myself that it's October and hard for all of us to concentrate. I can't stop myself from worrying about her long term progress. ADHD and anxiety are a really tough combination. I'm considering an ADHD life coach, but am afraid we're just adding another moving piece into the mix and we're already on overload.
All the other minions are as demanding as ever with the constant needs of feeding, clothing, driving, love, blah, blah, blah.
I'm so tired today. Bone tired. The kind where I could lay my head down on the laptop while I write and fall immediately asleep. Not sure if this is the fatigue from the weekend, or my body's familiar reaction to stress and the shadows of grief and depression. I'm hoping a good night sleep comes tonight. If not, I'm thinking a good "furlough nap" might be in my future tomorrow.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Stats, Furloughs, and the Month of October
I'm pretty active on Facebook. I post funny things about the kids, pictures from vacations and, of course, all of A's videos on herpetology and skateboarding. I especially like how this forum has allowed me to keep in touch with, and often reacquaint myself with, childhood friends and teammates. I like Facebook.
I've mentioned it a few times around here about how the girls get significantly more attention in comparison to the boys. My parents are the worst in this area. I'm getting used to my parents first asking about the girls and then the boys get an inquiry almost as an afterthought or something they know they are "supposed" to do. C and S think I'm exaggerating about this, but they too cross this line and, frankly, have absolutely no idea what it's like for our family. I think at this point the boys blow it off and shrug their shoulders, simply accepting that grandma and grandpa go to all of M's games and E gets special dinners. I can't tell you how many times a day I get the dreaded question, "How ARE the girls?" It gets so old. It still hurts my feelings.
On Facebook, however, the stats are right there. If I post anything about the girls (which I do just as much as the boys), I get quadruple the amount of likes. People who don't even know the girls add comments and light up that blue thumbs up. I don't know why it bothers me. Am I secretly still harboring sibling rivalry with my dead sister? Is my frustration colored by the experiences with my family? Am I jealous for the boys? Why do I have a problem with the attention the girls get? Their story is undoubtedly sad and tragic. I think maybe some of these feelings stem from my need to get people to understand that yes, the girls lost their parents, but they have a family and we're taking care of them. I don't want them or us as a family to continue to be defined by tragedy. We have five kids and work hard everyday to treat them the same even when everyone outside of this house doesn't.
Or maybe this is all in my head. As Chris Rock once said, though, "You can't argue math. Everything else is debatable." In this case, the stats don't lie.
*********************************************
If I see one more post or comment from people about "essential" federal employees, blah, blah, blah, I'm going to scream. These are real people with real families and mortgages, bills and expenses. My husband works really hard and is very good at what he does. He hasn't had a raise in years. He works in the public sector because he wants his job to have a purpose. He is now sitting up in bed reading sports news on his nook. One day not getting paid, probably no big deal. Weeks not getting paid...we could have issues.
Congress passed a law. The Supreme Court upheld it. An idiot group within Congress is attempting to thwart our legislative process and is willing to have the government shutdown. Obamacare has NOTHING to do with the budget (it's an insidious law that actually makes sure EVERYONE in the country has access to health insurance...egads!). In my day, we called this being poor sports. It makes me absolutely sick. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to work my butt off just in case I have to be the sole breadwinner in the house.
*********************************************
I hate the month of October. The accident was in October. This month last year K almost died. C and I were talking yesterday that we question everything we do during the month of October thinking that it's colored by our feelings at this time. This will be four years since the accident. It still feels like it was yesterday. It still feels that in 23 days we'll have to relive it all over again.
I've mentioned it a few times around here about how the girls get significantly more attention in comparison to the boys. My parents are the worst in this area. I'm getting used to my parents first asking about the girls and then the boys get an inquiry almost as an afterthought or something they know they are "supposed" to do. C and S think I'm exaggerating about this, but they too cross this line and, frankly, have absolutely no idea what it's like for our family. I think at this point the boys blow it off and shrug their shoulders, simply accepting that grandma and grandpa go to all of M's games and E gets special dinners. I can't tell you how many times a day I get the dreaded question, "How ARE the girls?" It gets so old. It still hurts my feelings.
On Facebook, however, the stats are right there. If I post anything about the girls (which I do just as much as the boys), I get quadruple the amount of likes. People who don't even know the girls add comments and light up that blue thumbs up. I don't know why it bothers me. Am I secretly still harboring sibling rivalry with my dead sister? Is my frustration colored by the experiences with my family? Am I jealous for the boys? Why do I have a problem with the attention the girls get? Their story is undoubtedly sad and tragic. I think maybe some of these feelings stem from my need to get people to understand that yes, the girls lost their parents, but they have a family and we're taking care of them. I don't want them or us as a family to continue to be defined by tragedy. We have five kids and work hard everyday to treat them the same even when everyone outside of this house doesn't.
Or maybe this is all in my head. As Chris Rock once said, though, "You can't argue math. Everything else is debatable." In this case, the stats don't lie.
*********************************************
If I see one more post or comment from people about "essential" federal employees, blah, blah, blah, I'm going to scream. These are real people with real families and mortgages, bills and expenses. My husband works really hard and is very good at what he does. He hasn't had a raise in years. He works in the public sector because he wants his job to have a purpose. He is now sitting up in bed reading sports news on his nook. One day not getting paid, probably no big deal. Weeks not getting paid...we could have issues.
Congress passed a law. The Supreme Court upheld it. An idiot group within Congress is attempting to thwart our legislative process and is willing to have the government shutdown. Obamacare has NOTHING to do with the budget (it's an insidious law that actually makes sure EVERYONE in the country has access to health insurance...egads!). In my day, we called this being poor sports. It makes me absolutely sick. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to work my butt off just in case I have to be the sole breadwinner in the house.
*********************************************
I hate the month of October. The accident was in October. This month last year K almost died. C and I were talking yesterday that we question everything we do during the month of October thinking that it's colored by our feelings at this time. This will be four years since the accident. It still feels like it was yesterday. It still feels that in 23 days we'll have to relive it all over again.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Between a Rock...
We are starting to come to head with CA with issues with the little girls. Sister C and I have been talking on the phone and in person in the last 2 days about our worries about MG (age 7), in particular, but the girls' overall well-being.
According to CA, MG is being referred to a psychiatrist because her therapist she was seeing says she can't do anything else for her. We got this information from my dad, and none of it makes sense. She is supposedly having huge meltdowns and "spiralling out of control" since my grandfather died in April and father's day. None of this makes logical sense. She supposedly has no issues in school and whenever we see her, which isn't that often, she seems completely fine. The "fits" CA describes sound exactly like a 7 year old tantrum when she doesn't get her way.
What is most disconcerting is that we get no information from CA about MG. I think she feels so defensive about sharing with us, that we are left in the complete dark. Unfortunately, though, what she does share with us just doesn't make any sense. C and I are both raising kids the exact same age AND I've gone through that age 2 other times. None of the anecdotes make sense and at times it appears that she is projecting adult feelings and reactions to a kid.
The strange thing also is that we never hear anything about KT, whose social behavior with the other cousins is often unsettling.
My mind at 3am starts running down explanations for what is really going on. Is she having issues? Why is she still having such severe problems when her original therapist (someone we trust implicitly) graduated her from therapy over 2 years ago. Is something going on at home that we don't know about? What about the creepy nanny that we all can't stand? Is all of this just a bunch of lies from CA in order to get attention and sympathy from all of us?
The big problem is that we (C, S and I) feel completely paralyzed. If we try to approach CA about it, we all worry it's going to backfire again and she'll pull the girls further away. I can't afford to do this again for E and M's sake. My parents are absolutely no help at all. C got screamed at by both my parents last night when she mentioned to them her doubts about CA's explanations. My mom's mental health right now is so fragile that she wants to live in la la land and not want anything to be wrong.
I could stick my head in the sand with a perfectly reasonable excuse of having too much on my plate.
But these little girls are E and M's sisters. They are my sweet, funny nieces who didn't deserve any of this and do deserve and happy, fun-filled childhood.
They are Jeanne's babies.
The one thing I do know is that I'm sick of worrying and complaining. Something needs to be done and I hope we have the courage as a family to address it.
According to CA, MG is being referred to a psychiatrist because her therapist she was seeing says she can't do anything else for her. We got this information from my dad, and none of it makes sense. She is supposedly having huge meltdowns and "spiralling out of control" since my grandfather died in April and father's day. None of this makes logical sense. She supposedly has no issues in school and whenever we see her, which isn't that often, she seems completely fine. The "fits" CA describes sound exactly like a 7 year old tantrum when she doesn't get her way.
What is most disconcerting is that we get no information from CA about MG. I think she feels so defensive about sharing with us, that we are left in the complete dark. Unfortunately, though, what she does share with us just doesn't make any sense. C and I are both raising kids the exact same age AND I've gone through that age 2 other times. None of the anecdotes make sense and at times it appears that she is projecting adult feelings and reactions to a kid.
The strange thing also is that we never hear anything about KT, whose social behavior with the other cousins is often unsettling.
My mind at 3am starts running down explanations for what is really going on. Is she having issues? Why is she still having such severe problems when her original therapist (someone we trust implicitly) graduated her from therapy over 2 years ago. Is something going on at home that we don't know about? What about the creepy nanny that we all can't stand? Is all of this just a bunch of lies from CA in order to get attention and sympathy from all of us?
The big problem is that we (C, S and I) feel completely paralyzed. If we try to approach CA about it, we all worry it's going to backfire again and she'll pull the girls further away. I can't afford to do this again for E and M's sake. My parents are absolutely no help at all. C got screamed at by both my parents last night when she mentioned to them her doubts about CA's explanations. My mom's mental health right now is so fragile that she wants to live in la la land and not want anything to be wrong.
I could stick my head in the sand with a perfectly reasonable excuse of having too much on my plate.
But these little girls are E and M's sisters. They are my sweet, funny nieces who didn't deserve any of this and do deserve and happy, fun-filled childhood.
They are Jeanne's babies.
The one thing I do know is that I'm sick of worrying and complaining. Something needs to be done and I hope we have the courage as a family to address it.
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