Yesterday afternoon we got home from work and school to a clean and organized house. The cleaning ladies had come earlier in the day while we were all out. It's always nice to come home every other week to clean floors and bathrooms and for the most part we can ignore the random movement of articles of clothing, papers or books into strange locations. I noticed yesterday, though, that one of M's blankets was in the washing machine and it had obviously been washed with a bunch of other towels. This led to the discovery that the towels in my bathroom and the boys were in the dryer. Part of me was happy to see that a long overdue task had been handled. The other part of me were filled with feelings of embarrassment and shame that all of the towels must have been really dirty for the cleaning ladies to start not one but two loads of laundry (something they have never done before).
It was another reminder of how I regularly feel "less than."
I can never give each of the kids my 100% attention or energy.
I always feel behind and not good enough at work.
Our family could probably eat more healthy food.
Our marriage often falls low on the priority list.
The house is often cluttered and disorganized.
I worry that I'm not doing enough to honor's Jeanne's memory.
Critical comments from family about the girls make me feel like we messed up somewhere along the way.
I don't do enough for myself.
I don't always have time to be the best sister, daughter and friend I can be.
On any most days, however, I am usually so busy (driving, cooking, cajoling, working, etc.) that I can't imagine being able to give more in any item in the laundry list above. Lower my expectations? Problem with that is that it's not just my expectations being measured against but those of my kids, husband, family, work colleagues, and irrationally my dead sister. Part of the equation feels out of my control.
All I know is that I'm tired. All. The. Time. And mostly I really tired of feeling "less than." It's a lonely place to be.
I completely relate to all of this. I know it's because I'm still in the newness of grief, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not doing even the simplest of things.
ReplyDeleteI think I could have written most of this. I feel all the time like I am failing even though I'm probably just setting the bar too high. It's a shame, because I don't want to get to the end of my life and reflect on how much time I wasted being stressed about things like clutter, but in them moment what are you supposed to do? I don't know. I wish better for us both.
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