Friday, September 2, 2016

Never Again

The other night I was surfing channels and came across the movie Brooklyn.  My father-in-law (British of Irish descent) bugged me non-stop last spring to go see it since they had seen it twice in the theatre.  The movie is about a young Irish immigrant who comes to America and falls in love with an Italian American, yadda, yadda, yadda. Anyway, I happened to start watching about 10 minutes before the main character finds out her older sister has died back in Ireland.  As she's being consoled by her parish priest, she realizes the finality of situation as he explains that the sister will be buried the next day.  Tears welling in her eyes, she looks up at him and asks, "But Father, I'll never see her again will I?"

I started crying.  Tears rolling down my face.  It's been almost 7 years since Jeanne died.  I think about her every day, but I try not to think about her being dead, as strange as that might seem.  My big sister is dead and I'm never going to see her again.  The finality of that fact is still unreal and hard to accept.

Sorry for the long absence. Just haven't had the time or the writing mojo.

Too much has happened both good and bad to fill you in on how things are going in our family.  All the kids are fine in varying degrees of "fineness."  All five carry bundles of anxiety and I work hard trying to help them each find ways to handle that load.  The difficulty of that job is compounded by my own anxious bundle.

We have three high school teenagers in the house now.  Just that fact is a bit scary.

I am reminded daily what a blessing it is to have a 9 year old in the house.

Being independent and in college doesn't mean you still don't need parents, even though you still can't accept them as your family.

Marriage is hard. I wish it wasn't. I've lowered my expectations in that area which makes it both easier to accept and sadder.

Not sure why I decided to write today. The reason for me starting this blog is still as difficult as it was 6 years ago to accept.  Hoping to start writing again since it has always been a great way to deal with that reality.

Thanks for reading.


  1. Welcome back! I am a reader from a New Zealand and have checked in often and worried about you. Pleased to see you are still hanging in there, although I guess what else can you do? Xx

  2. Wishing you peace as you navigate these difficult times. Your grace and courage shine through in your words despite the tough circumstances.

  3. What Jen said. Plus, like Anonymous said, so thanks for letting us know.

  4. So glad you posted! I've been a little worried. Sorry things are still rough. Sorry the movie was hard to watch. (I'm not doing well with any stories where dads die, so I can relate.)

  5. so glad to hear your voice…from the UK side of the Atlantic i often think of you and hope the load is a little more bearable and the light a little brighter...

  6. Welcome back. I haven't written on my blog in months; life gets busy.