Friday, January 22, 2016


A snow storm of historic proportions just started.  As the flakes peacefully fall from the sky, our family is prepped and ready for an extended hunkering down with plenty of food, games, firewood, and non-stop watching of the weather channel (that's all D our resident meteorologist).  It feels a bit like Christmas Eve, with the anticipation of something momentous to come.

I haven't written in a long time.  A really long time.  There are lots of reasons for this fact.  Busy with family stuff.  A horrible work situation where I had to request to be taken off of the project I had been running due to a hostile work environment.  A pretty awful 20th wedding anniversary and further marital woes. The holidays.  A vacation to FL after Christmas with the kids (car broke down on way, I threw up the whole time, with a flat tire the day after we got there).  Fatigue on my part both physically and emotionally that limits my urges to write in this space.  This laundry list, though, doesn't seem that much different from my usual venting about the stress that is my life.

This extended writing break seems different.  My life in the last few months hasn't been bad as much as it hasn't been good.  This distinction based on the consistency of the normal bad things, but my inability to find as much good on a daily basis.

I have not been feeling very well on all counts.  I've had a hard time shifting out of the sadness from October. Totally disconnected from those around me and struggling to simply get all the stuff done I need to in order to keep our family afloat.  I have tried to be normal mom for the kids, but I think they have noticed.  A especially often tells me how much he loves me and expressing his thanks for doing basic things.  Physically, I've lost weight (not good) and am so very tired all the time.  I wake up most mornings with awful anxiety and dread for the day ahead.

Maybe my writing avoidance is my inability to admit how bad it really is.

I have been trying to change the tide.  I've been going to therapy and at least admitting to her how badly I've been feeling.  I've tried to make sure I get to my indoor soccer game once a week.  Power naps during the day to restart my engine and clear the brain.  Reading before I go to bed to settle my thoughts.  I'm trying, but it feels like I'm trying to swim out of a rip current and not making much process.

Not sure where I'm going with this post.  I'm sorry for not writing as much, and sorry to my blogging friends for my lack of comments. I've been reading, just not finding the time to comment.  A difficult time connecting with those in my real life, is exponentially harder in the blogosphere.

This blizzard has provided the gift of uninterrupted time.  Its weekend occurrence allowing me the freedom from work demands and kid logistics.  D is currently making cookies.  L wants to play a game.  I may indulge this with a quick dice game and then maybe take a nap. 

I hope everyone being affected by the blizzard stays safe and warm. As long as we don't lose power, I'm looking forward to this forced period of slowing down.  I definitely can use it.


  1. That end note is how I feel, too. If we don't lose power, this is a gift and I may be able to power through some work and also find time to relax. If we lose power, well, then it's going to be a hard weekend/week.

    Sending a hug. You have a lot on your plate (and heart).

  2. Grateful that you checked in and that you're getting some time this weekend to just be.

  3. Keep taking care of yourself Peggy. Marriage is difficult without the added stress your family is under. Keep going to therapy. Take him with you if you need to. All the best to you. Stay warm :)

  4. Never a need to apologize to us. Sorry you are going through such a rough time. Sending good thoughts your way, but if there is anything more tangible I can do let me know. (Vomit and a flat tire? Ugh, sounds like a blog worthy but icky trip.)

  5. Hope the blizzard left you unscathed and you had a chance to rest.

  6. ((hugs)). It sounds like you're making good changes, even if they seem very small. Can you focus a little bit on the physical side? My husband struggles with losing weight when he doesn't want to (he is 5'9" and was under 120 pounds for a while). He was able to gain 10 pounds by eating a lot of nuts and having a big bedtime snack. I think he also ate a lot of full-fat dairy for a while. It has really helped his outlook to not be so physically depleted. I know it's hard to eat when you're stressed, but can you fit a full-fat latte in your day on occasion? Keep a bag of trail mix by your side? Do you need your thyroid tested?

    I hope you have a good, relaxing blizzard!


  7. Have you had a physical exam and detailed blood work to rule out any physical reason for the fatigue and weight loss? Sometimes we assume that the emotional changes are causing the physical, but it might be vice verse. Glad you are making the effort to take care of yourself and change the tide. Keep on swimming and one day you'll look back and see how far you've come.

  8. Thinking of you lovely lady xx